Empty - 6. A Slip of Emotion

*Arnold’s POV*

“Goodbye Chuck? Really?” I berated myself as I approached where my stepdad had been shouting from.

“Arnold! Are you okay? Are you hurt anywhere?” he began frantically asking. For the first time I had met him he seemed and acted like a doting parent. I don’t know why, but what he was doing was amusing to some odd part of my brain and well, I laughed. I laughed. It was as if whatever suppression I had placed on my emotions had vanished. As I laughed, and tears were rolling down my eyes, I didn’t notice the look of confusion and concern on his face. I think that was the first time he had witnessed me express more than indifference and anger since Alex’s death. When I managed to get my odd burst of emotion under control, I oddly felt a little happy.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just bumped into an old acquaintance of mine and well, we were just getting reacquainted. I’m sorry I bolted out of the house. I really don’t know what came over me.” I said, feeling guilty for what I had done.

“Guilty? Why am I feeling guilty? More importantly, why am I feeling emotion to begin with?”

“It’s fine son. I understand that your father’s appearance along with your brother was extremely overwhelming. At least you didn’t do what Cameron did. I guess you want to know what went down after you left, huh?”

“Something actually happened?” I asked, genuinely surprised that there’d be an event greater than my departure.

“Well…”

And that is how I learned that Cameron was my half-brother and what my grandparents did to mom and dad’s relationship. I never really liked that pair. They always treated me and Isaac like absolute shit and I’m glad that they’re dead. I’m sure if they really had their way, they’d have killed Isaac and I in an instant. They were essentially the spawn of Satan himself.

Upon arriving home, we realised that dad’s car was no longer in the driveway and that the house was dead still.

“Arnold, I know I haven’t been the best role model for you,” he began, and I snorted at the statement. Unfazed, he went on, “but I want to be there for you from now on. I want to try help you get better. Seeing you laugh back at the park made me realise that I stopped wanting to see you like that. When you bought Alex over, I’d always sit and watch you two interact. You always had a smile on your face, even when he lost his family. You were his rock and he took his life and yours that day. I feel guilty in the sense that I’ve been there but not there at all. I’m present but I don’t get involved. What I am about to tell you I haven’t told to even your mother, so keep it a secret between you and me please?”

“Sure. I won’t blab.” I said, intrigued as to why he was suddenly spilling his guts.

“When I was your age, I lost someone I really cared about. His name was Brent. He was closer to me that my own family was, and I really loved him like a brother. It was on his 17^th birthday that he came out and told me he loved me. I was shocked, but I didn’t hate him or anything. I just let him know that I don’t reciprocate his feelings. He then told me that I was the first person he told this and he was contemplating telling his parents. I was all for it, but I had this odd feeling in my gut as he smiled at me that night. It was like it was the last time I’d see him. If only I had listened to my gut feeling… If I had only…”

At this point he let the tears he’d been holding back flow freely and I reflexively reached out to console him. We sat in the car, him crying on my shoulder and me trying to console him. After some time, he managed to gather his emotions and decided to resume his story.

“I was in my bedroom when one of my other friends called me. He was neighbours with Brent. He sounded like he had been crying so I asked him what was wrong. He told me to turn on the news as he hadn’t accepted it himself. I was confused but for some reason, that horrible feeling in my gut returned with a vengeance. I turned the TV to the local news and the headline read ‘Father massacres entire family then kills himself’. I was shocked by the news until I saw the surname of the father and the residence that was taped off. It was Brent’s father that had killed his own family then offed himself. I can’t remember what happened after that, but I woke up in hospital with bandages around my wrist. The doctor said that I had ‘shut down’ for lack of better wording at the loss of my friend and had instinctively tried to take my own life. It was then that the news really sunk in. I had lost someone I dearly cared about. I struggled to cope with his death for years and I went in and out of relationships, hoping to find one that would make me stay. Then I met your mother. She was an interesting lady, having lost the man she loved. We didn’t really show much love to one another, but I think she just wanted a friend or companion to keep her sane and keep her demons at bay. For some odd reason, I wanted to stay by her side because the pain of losing my friend was lessened by just being around her. She had this uncanny ability to make me forget the pain I was feeling at times. Then there was you and Alex. Seeing Alex hurt like hell as he was oddly the splitting image of Brent, hence why I was never around when Alex came or why I was cold when we sat for dinner. Your mother never asked, and I was always glad. She always seemed to be waiting for me to make the first move and I may tell her tonight. What I’m getting to here is that I avoided associating with people because I feared losing them again. I feared letting them in only to not be able to save them when I could have been there for them. If I had told him not to tell his father all that, then he would still be alive. I guess, I still feel the remorse of not being able to save Alex either. I could see that he was hurting but I didn’t want to confront him as it would cause me demons to resurface so I guess I let you deal with it on your own. I was cold in the way I treated you after Alex’s death because the memory of losing Brent resurfaced and I wasn’t coping at all. Your mom saved me Arnold, and I’m eternally grateful to her.”

I just sat there and stared as this 35-year-old man poured his heart and soul out to me. I didn’t know what to say and I felt like I really had nothing to say. After he fully gathered the last of his stray emotions he looked at me with a look he had never produced since I had met him. Love. There was nothing but love in his eyes and I felt my defences slowly but surely coming undone. Unable to confront my emotions yet, I broke the eye contact and quickly rushed from the car. I ran past whoever was in the lobby and up the stairs to my bedroom. I really have no idea why I ran, but it felt like I had to run. Once I was in my room, I threw myself on my bed. It in the darkness of my room when my demons, which I had managed to keep away, returned with a vengeance that couldn’t be stopped.

“Well, well, well… What do we have here?” someone said in what felt like a dream. “Seems like little Arnold isn’t as strong after all. All it took was an obsessed stalker and a sad, broken man to shatter his defences. You really thought you sealed me away forever? Hah! Stupid piece of shit. The only way to get rid of me is to face me, but you can’t do that, now can you Arnold? You never really face any of your problems, do you?”

“Who’s there?” I asked the voice.

“Gosh, 2 years and you’ve already forgotten my voice. Come on Arnold, you couldn’t have forgotten me already. I mean, you loved me, right?” the voice asked mockingly. “Oh well, I guess out of sight, out of mind applies here, right? It’s me, Alex. No, that’s incorrect. I am the part of you that you refuse to face. I have taken on the form of Alex as that’s the one demon you cannot face. You seem to not want to express any emotion over his loss and you seem to have supressed the memory, but I think now’s the time to open the floodgates. It’s time to face your demons, Arnold. It’s time you started living.”

Before I could respond, there was a blinding light and suddenly I was running up a flight of stairs. When I had gotten to wherever I was, I had no idea. I got to a door and flung it open. In front of me sat a figure with a gun to its head. I was frozen in my tracks and couldn’t move. I looked at this figure as it spoke to me. As it told me why it was doing this and how I’d recover from this and the BANG! The figure took its life. I began to scream. I was crying, and I was short of breath. Someone was shouting my name, but it sounded like they were at the end of some long tunnel. The sound of my name got louder and louder, then…

“ARNOLD SNAP OUT OF IT!” the figure on top of me shouted as it shook me. My heart was racing, and I felt insanely hot a I tried to gather my breath. I was suddenly drawn into a warm embrace and I felt and heard what I believe was someone crying. I still didn’t know who my saviour was, but I was glad they were here. As I calmed down, I realised that I was completely drenched, and the scent of urine permeated through the air. It then struck me that I was in my bed, in my room and I had just had a nightmare. I had also pissed myself during this whole ordeal and looked like hell. I tried to fight out of the arms of whoever was holding me, but they were way stronger than me. Once they felt me completely relax, they slowly untangled and I was released from the warm embrace. As my eyes adjusted to the light that was in the room, I tried to focus on who it was that embraced me. Sitting in front of me was Cameron. He looked so broken and had a few bruises on his face.

“Are you okay Arnold?” he asked as I finally took note of him sitting there. “You were having the mother of nightmares when I got here, and it took some time to get you to come back to the living world. I was about to call mom and dad in.”

I was still staring at the bruises on his face and I finally managed to get my voice to co-operate.

“Did I do that to you?” I asked with a shaky voice. He snorted at my statement and chuckled.

“As is you could hurt me this bad. No, you didn’t do this, but that’s besides the point. Are you okay Arnold? Do you need me to call mom?”

“NOOOOOO!!!” I shouted at him, startling both of us with the amount of emotion behind that outcry. “Don’t call her. I just need to change the sheets, shower and then go to sleep again. I’ll be okay now, thanks.” I said, beginning to return to my reclusive state.

“Don’t do this Arnold. P-p-please don’t shut me out again…”

I looked up into the teary blue eyes of my older brother. He looked so weak and defeated by not being able to help me and I really wanted to open up to him, but I guess my inability to deal with too much negative emotion kicked in and I began to feel nothing at all. Even his teary eyes and devastated look had no effect on me. When he realised that he could no longer influence me emotionally, he wiped his eyes and placed a hand on my shoulder.

“I’m here for you if you ever want to talk.” He said as he got up and left. Before he exited my room, he turned and looked back at me one last time, trying to see if he could get my will to break again. Unfortunately, my cold persona was back and even badder than ever.

“Goodnight Cameron.” I said, getting up to go close the door so I could clean up my bed and myself in peace.

That night though, his gesture ignited something inside me. It was a tiny spark, but it was big enough to cause one last teardrop to fall