Parity - 13. Topher - In His Image

February, Monday 19th
(Thirteen days later)

"Chrissy!" Kevin Li's cheerful voice pricked Topher's ears as he looked over to see the beautiful sixteen-year-old boy jogging along the sandy road in his hoodie and shorts.

"Look who finally showed up!" Topher remarked, happy to see him and drawing him into a full body hug. Not one of those man-hugs that Kevin liked so much to keep them at arm's length. No, he was done with those. He liked his friend. He loved him. He didn't care who knew it. "I've missed you so much, Flash!"

"Yeah, so I see!" Kevin laughed and pulled himself away from Topher's lean but strong brown arms. "You're acting a bit like a woman. All clingy and stuff."

"Why does missing you mean I'm a woman?" Topher asked, offended and annoyed. "Didn't you miss me in the past couple of weeks? At all?"

"Course I did!" Kevin saw that he hurt Topher's feelings and swung his arm around the boy's neck. "I was only joking."

"Then where have you been?" Topher asked, not wanting to scare Kevin off too quickly but needing answers. "I've needed you, and you haven't been there for me."

"Sorry, man. You have God, at least," Kevin smiled at him, but Topher didn't buy it.

"I always have Him, but I needed you!" Topher tried to explain.

He prayed every day. This was true. He spoke to the Lord often, and although He gave comfort in return, it wasn't the same as having his friend by his side. Laughing, gossiping and being brats together. Swimming and running. Kissing. Topher looked to the ocean where the sun peeked from the horizon. Hope. Love. Faith. Am I the only one who understands that? He loves us all. He forgives our trespasses. He made me in his image. Why should I feel ashamed for loving Kevin? For loving Dominic? I shouldn't. Love trumps sin. It always has and it forever will. I love Kevin. That's more important than sin.

"You know why though, don't you Toph?" Kevin meekly defended himself. His narrow eyes locked on to his friend's, and he sighed. "I don't like... seeing you with her. Harper, I mean."

"Why?" Topher knew why, but he wanted to hear his friend admit it. Admit that you like me back. "Do you want to date her?"

"No!" Kevin huffed, beginning to walk the way of the pipe. Topher, barefoot and topless in the cold ocean breeze of the dawn, walked to keep up with him. "I always thought she and Zack would get hitched, though."

"Right?" Topher giggled. Those two hated so many things in common. Gay people for instance. Me. People like me. The pastor's son. What a disgrace I am.

"You aren't into her though, are you?" Kevin asked him quietly, and Topher sighed. He didn't want to lie, but he didn't want to admit that he was only using Harper to cover up his homosexuality.

"Between us, no. I like guys, Kev. Okay? I think I'm gay, and I know that means," Topher finally got that off his chest.

It was the second time he'd come out. The first was to Dominic on the beach a few kilometres away, and the two confessed an attraction to each other. I like him a lot, Topher thought with a smile. That big, brown man with his oversized chest, hands and feet. His cute button nose and curly black hair that tumbled around his neck. That intriguing moko on his shoulder that left grooves in his skin. The way Dom respected Topher's need for space and privacy while he worked everything out. He's such a nice guy. But in the end, he's not Kevin. My best friend. My kindred spirit. I love Kevin. I know Kevin loves me. I only wish he knew that too.

"You're not serious, are you?" Kevin asked, stopping to look at him. Those eyes weren't full of hatred as Topher expected. They were full of pain, guilt and fear. "You can't tell anyone that, okay?"

"I can," Topher looked away. "Maybe I should. I'm so tired of lying to the world about who I am, Flash. Bearing false witness is a sin, after all. So I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't, but I may as well pick the option that makes me feel better. I'm exhausted."

"You know the Church will freak?" Kevin reached and grabbed Topher's hand. The Chinese boy's skin was cold to the touch. "You can't do that. My parents will never let me see you again."

"Is that why you've been avoiding me?" Topher asked, his eyes narrowing with fury. "Because your parents think I'm a filthy sinner? Or is because you think that? Please be honest with me."

"You're my best mate," Kevin replied after a very long pause. "I'd never think that about you. Even if you're a... a gay. It's just... my parents, you know? If they knew, I'd never get to hang out with you again. It's hard enough to do it as it is, you know? It's not because I hate you or whatever."

"You promise you don't hate me?" Topher's blue eyes shone in the brand new light of the sunrise. Bluer than anything else in the world. They drooped while he pleaded with his friend. "If you don't want to be friends, then tell me. I have to know, okay? When you ignore me or you don't show up to run in the morning, you hurt my feelings. A lot. Do you hate me?"

"Nah, Toph, no way," Kevin drew Topher into a hug and Topher's eyes welled with tears. I'm such a sissy boy. Nobody likes a sissy boy. That includes Kevin. And my dad. "You're such a softy; you know that?" Softy? He didn't say sissy. The word rang in Topher's head. Sissy. Softy. What's changed? "You're my best mate. Now and always, okay?"

"Kevin... why did you kiss me all those times?" Topher asked, rubbing his friend's back and bathing in his intoxicating touch. His smell. Just... so much Kevin. He'd been deprived of Kevin for so long. He didn't know when he might get another chance. He trusted Kevin to tell him the truth, but part of him was perpetually paranoid that his friend would have another crisis of conscience or insecurity and start running from him again.

"Um... I didn't mean to," Kevin pulled away and Topher's heart skipped a beat. Oh, no.

"So why did you?" Topher asked, his feelings once again trampled on by Kevin's clumsy, insensitive feet. "I know you liked it."

"I'm not gay, Toph," Kevin immediately told him, taking a step away. "I don't care if you are or whatever, but I'm not. Alright? You're my best mate, but that's all."

"Oh. Okay," Topher nodded, his heart crushed. What did I expect? He'd love me as I love him and we'd be happy? What a joke. Sinners don't live happily ever after.

"Are you alright?" Kevin asked, keeping his distance and nervously scratching the back of his calf with one of his filthy running shoes.

"Yes. Let's just run, okay?" Topher wiped his eyes and began to jog along their regular route.

"Sure," Kevin awkwardly agreed and sped to keep up with him.

There was no competitive aspect behind their run this time around. They were side by side as they ran by the waves crashing against the shore and the gentle salty breeze coming off the water. Topher loved the thrill of running while he was wearing so little. He loved to feel it. Everything. He loved the feel of the winds on his chest, belly and hips. The wet sand and occasionally a far-reaching wave tickling at his toes. It was exhilarating and it never failed to cheer him up. It reminded Topher that God was real. He is real, and He is watching out for me, even if it's hard to remember that right now. The boys ran to the pipe and barely stopped for a break before running all the way back. Topher was wrecked by the time they reached the stairs back to the road.

"I'll pray for you Toph," Kevin told him before they parted ways. Topher frowned and Kevin saw it. "Like, not because I think you're a sinner or you're sick or anything. Because you're my mate and you're hurting, and I don't know what else to do."

You know exactly what to do, Topher thought with dismay. Tell me you love me too. Tell me, and we can just be happy. To heck with what the rest of the Church thinks! They don't get to judge us. Only He does, and if love trumps sin, He will understand. He is love.

"Thank you Flash," Topher smiled and squeezed his friend's shoulder. "Just don't be a stranger, okay? That will be enough for me."

"I won't, mate. Trust! But um... what are you gonna do about Harp? She's my mate too, and you can't just keep pretending," Kevin pointed out, and Topher's eyes wandered. He was right. What would he do about Harper? That wasn't going to last long. She was getting on his every nerve. "I'll text ya. See you tomorrow morning, Chrissy!"

"Bye," Topher waved with a forced smile before trudging his way back up the road towards the big, underpopulated house he lived in.

Along the way, people waved, smiled and greeted him, and Topher always greeted them back with a smile. He didn't know why he made himself do that. It was expected of him, he supposed. The pastor's son, his pride and joy, and he had to act like it. What Topher wouldn't give to be invisible for a day. A day where he didn't have to be Chris. He could hear Gwen crying out in pain the moment he approached his house, and already he felt emotions swirling like a hurricane in his chest and his throat. She didn't have far to go, but every minute was like agony for her. The morphine injections barely seemed to work anymore. He tried to close his ears to his mother's wails, but it didn't work.

"Jon!" Gwen yelled as Topher entered through the back door. "Jon! Make it stop!"

Please make it stop, Dad. Why are you letting her go through this? Why won't you take her to the hospital where they can help her?

"Jon! Jonathon!" She yelled again, and Topher's eyes leaked tears of agony.

He opened the fridge and looked at the cup on the bottom shelf. It was full of morphine needles that Jon would inject into his dying wife every few hours. It's not enough, Topher thought miserably. The sedatives and the pain relief. It just doesn't work anymore. She needs help. She needs to go to Heaven. There's no sense having her here. It's killing her. It's killing me.

"Please," he put his hand on his heart and stared at the wooden crucifix at the freezer. Jesus stared back at him, eyes solemn and full of pity. "Do what's best for her. I love her, but there's nothing more I can do for her. She needs to be with you now. Please, Lord. Amen."

"Take that back," a harsh, angry voice growled at him from behind. "How could you say that?"

"Because I love her!" Topher spun around, a hurt, angry scowl on his handsome, golden face. "I love her, and I'm tired of her being in pain!"

"You think I don't?" Jon's dark eyes were watering with angry, miserable tears, and his arms were folded. "I'm the one who does everything for Mum while you stick your head in the sand and pretend that it's not happening! She will leave us when He decides it's time. Don't you dare take any time from me by praying for her death!"

"Okay. Sorry," Topher apologised automatically, his head bowed. Wait. No. I'm not sorry at all! Why am I saying sorry, then? Why am I lying? I always lie! "It's just... she's in so much pain, Dad... I don't want her to suffer any more."

"When the Lord is ready, He'll take her," Jon told him firmly, walking forward and putting his hand on his son's shoulder. "Be strong, Junior. We love her. We'll be there for her until the end. Now go and see her before breakfast, okay?"

"Dad, there is no point," Topher dared to argue, and he felt his father's fingers squeeze harder. Angry. "She's not herself. She's gone, okay? That's not Mum. You know that. She hates me!"

"She's your mother," Jon wearily gave his son a shove in the direction of the stairway in the next room. "She brought you into this world. The least you can do for her is to be there when she leaves this world."

He's right, Topher thought. I'm selfish, but... why can't I be selfish just this once? I love her. I'll always love her. But this woman... that isn't her. My mother died a few weeks ago when I said goodbye to her. This woman does not need to be alive. Not anymore. It's cruel. Topher climbed the creaky, carpeted staircase, hand on the white railing, shaking with fear of what he might see. What she might do to him. I'm afraid of her, he thought. I should never have to be frightened of my mother. He's making me. This is all because of him. This is all his fault. The Lord is not punishing me for my weakness. He's punishing my Dad. This is all because of him. Not me.

"Jon!" Gwen cried over and over.

Where are you, Dad? Why aren't you here? She's asking for you. Never me. Why are you sending me up there, then? Why aren't you with her?

"Mum," Topher greeted the woman in her dark bedroom.

She was in bed, dressed in her red nightgown, writhing under the sheets. Crying. Whimpering. Yelling. Her hands on her head and her eyes screwed shut. Her brain couldn't take much more. She was a strong woman, though. Tenacious and brave. Topher wasn't surprised that her body wasn't ready to give up.

"Why are you doing this to me, Christopher?" She growled at him through a gritted jaw. "Why are you making me go through this?"

"I'm not, Mum," Topher didn't believe for a moment that she was going to listen to him. "I'd do anything to make you happy. You know that."

"Christopher!" She shouted again, and his heart began to break.

As if to put an exclamation point on her unreasonable hatred of him, she swiped at him. She wasn't quite close enough to hit him, but her nails scratched his forearm. Topher, stunned, looked as she turned on her side away from him, crying and covering her face with the floral pillow. He looked down at his arm. Three scratches; one of them bleeding. He looked back at her, then his arm again. Okay. Enough is enough. He stormed back downstairs, his father looking up at him from the kitchen table.

"Fuck you!" Topher shouted all of a sudden. He surprised himself with the anger and profanity that spewed out of his mouth. He meant it, though. All the animosity and resentment he'd built up for months flew from his mouth, coating his awful, hypocrite of a father. A man of God? A lie.

"Excuse me?" Jon's expression darkened, but Topher steeled himself. "You'll watch your tongue with me, Junior. I didn't bring you up to be some impertinent hoodrat."

"No, you brought me up to be like you!" Topher shouted over the sound of another of Gwen's pained cries. "And I am! I'm weak! I'm a fraud! Everything about me is a lie! I hate my clothes! I hate my friends! And I hate what you're doing to my Mum! You're making me watch her get worse and worse, and you let her hit me and abuse me! You just let her! You disgust me." Topher shook his head. Not because he was sad. He was relieved. He didn't realise that telling the truth could feel so good!

"Chris, please--" Jon wanted to calm down and return to a civil conversation, but Topher wasn't into it.

"My name is Topher!" He shouted back at him. He'd been so good. He did what he was told. All the time. His diet, his school, his friends and his exercise. His community and social responsibilities. Letting his sick mother strike and hurt him. "I hate you!" He told his father quietly, realising just how much he'd grown to distrust and despise the man who was supposed to love him, supposed to protect and cherish him. Not this man. This man was weak. He was egocentric and feeble-minded. Gwen's tumour didn't just take Topher's mother away from him. It took away his father. While she was physically deteriorating, his father was doing so on the inside.

"Go to your room," Jon ordered him, his voice quiet and full of pain. "We'll speak about this later."

"I'm gay, Dad!" Topher twisted the knife, a perverse feeling of joy throbbing through him as he watched his father's jaw hanging open. The same way he felt good in his bones when he told Veikko what a horrible little person he is. "I like boys. I've been kissing boys! I love it. I love the way it feels when I'm with them."

"Junior!" Jon looked shocked. Good.

"Your precious baby? Your miracle baby? It's all a lie, Dad," Topher finished off by taking a sledgehammer to the pillar that supported his father's faith and slammed the kitchen door behind him.

There would be consequences for this. He knew that. Right now though, he didn't care. I want to be with guys. Kevin. Dominic. Maverick, even. I want to kiss them and touch them and be with them. As me. As Topher! As he walked into his bedroom and shut the door behind him, he spied Percy bear on the shelf next to his bed. He smiled and picked the fluffy little friend up and kissed him between the eyes, briefly snuggling him to his chest and putting Percy on the other side of the queen sized bed where he belonged. With me when I sleep. He then picked out the clothes he would wear to school today. It was a beautiful day, so why not dress for the occasion? He would wear a faded blue tank top, loose black gym shorts and flipflops. Strictly beachwear, his mother and father told him. When you go out into town, you represent your community and your family. Well, no. Today I'm representing me. I'm Topher Lynch! He showered with newfound vigour and confidence, then dried and dressed before checking himself out in the full-length mirror in his generous ensuite. Yeah. That's more like it, he thought happily. He brushed his sun-bleached bangs and let them fall over his face just the way he liked them. I like you this way, he told himself. I'm sorry I let us down for so long.

"Junior," Jon's voice shocked Topher out of his mental pep talk, and the boy turned around, ready to square off with his father again. He was surprised to see that Jon was only sitting down on his bed. He didn't look angry or disappointed. "Come and sit with me."

"I'm not changing my clothes," Topher warned him.

"You don't have to change your clothes," Jon even smiled and beckoned to him. "I want to talk with you. That's all. You're not in trouble."

"What?" Topher was confused. He gingerly approached and sat down next to his father on his bed, eyeing the man off with his beautiful blues. "How are you not livid with me?"

"I love you too much," Jon put his arm around Topher and cuddled him close, even kissing him on the forehead. "Topher, have you always been this unhappy?"

"What do you mean?" Topher bit his lip, not wanting to admit that this bout of rebellion was a long time coming.

"Talk to me, okay?" Jon encouraged him, rubbing his arm with an old, wrinkled hand. "I've never seen you like that before. What's going on? Tell me everything."

"I'm a homosexual," Topher told his father first. "I always have been."

Jon exhaled deeply, but he put his other arm around his son and hugged him even closer. Topher wasn't expecting this. The way the members of his community talked about gay people - his father in particular - it wasn't what he expected. Topher returned the hug. He was furious with his father. That had not changed. But this... this was a relief.

"Yes. You are," Jon admitted, but he wasn't angry. "Gwen always knew. I was hoping she was wrong, but... well, it answers a few questions. Heh. It's not about me, though. How are you, Junior? Are you okay with this?"

"I'm not sure yet," Topher answered quietly. He wasn't expecting this. He was ready to fight. He was prepared to have it out. Every time Gwen called for her husband, Topher's blood boiled anew. He thought the news would crush his father, but this? This was support. He didn't expect it. How could his father be okay with this? How?

"I don't understand the Lord's plan for you," Jon responded after a pause. "There are a lot of things I don't understand, but you will always be my miracle. That'll never change. He knows what He's doing with you. If your heart desires other boys, then so be it. If you want to wear these clothes to school today, then so be it. If you don't like Zackary, Harper and Kevin, then so be it. Our Lord gave you to us for a reason, and even if I don't know what that reason is, I will never question Him."

"So why are you always telling me what to do?" Topher asked him.

"I'm your Dad. It's my job," Father Jon kissed him once more. "I'll be telling you what to do twenty years from now when I'm old and senile! But I never realised you were so unhappy, Junior. That was my mistake, and I'm sorry about that. Talk to me, okay? What do you want?"

"What do I want?" Topher was almost furious when he heard those words coming from his father's mouth. Have you not been listening? I've been telling you what I want for a long time! "I want to sleep with Percy! I want to wear the clothes I like and I want to play and swim in the river and stuff. I want to see Kevin! I don't want to see Zackary or Mum anymore. I know that's awful of me and I'm selfish, but that's what I want!" He didn't even feel guilty about the things he said. I should feel bad that I don't want to see Mum anymore. I don't. She's gone. She's in pain. There's nothing more we can do for her.

"Then you sleep with Percy," Jon reached behind them with a grunt of exertion and picked up the fluffy white teddy on the other side of the bed, bringing it over and putting it on his son's lap. Topher smiled. "Remember Mum stitched his head on a little bit wonky?"

"Yeah," Topher's eyes welled with tears. He loved her so much. She wasted no time in fixing Percy bear for her little Sugarpie. "He looks to the left now. I don't know, Dad. I know I'm getting older, and I have responsibilities and a reputation and stuff, but I'm scared all the time. Mum is hurting and I can't help her! My psychology teacher is missing and Maverick Matsuda still doesn't have his memory back from when people beat him up. I mean..." Topher began to cry as he tried to speak. "I've been so scared. I'm trying not to be gay, and I'm in this new school where people get bashed up, and you're always telling me to get over it and be the miracle and and and--"

"I'm sorry," Jon did his best to comfort Topher, but there was so much that he'd been holding back. It was difficult to stop and his bangs stuck to his face, wet with tears. "I had no idea you were struggling so much. I've been too busy with my own problems, haven't I? Oh, Toph. I'm an old fool. I admit that. I wish you told me you were suffering. Why didn't you?"

"How could I?" Topher clutched Percy to his chest and felt comforted by the warm, fluffy presence. My oldest friend. Older than Kevin, even. "You always tell me that nobody likes a sissy boy. Any time I tell you anything you brush me off. For ages, Mum's been hitting me and hurting me and you just... you tell me to get over it!"

"I do, don't I?" Jon sighed. "I've been putting you last, and that's not fair on you. And... you're gay, huh?"

"I am," Topher affirmed, burning red with embarrassment. He didn't intend to come out in this way - to spite his father. He especially wasn't prepared for his father to be okay with it! "When I kiss Harper, I don't feel anything. When I kissed Kevin... it felt..."

"It felt like the Lord Himself crafted the two of you to fit together like jigsaw pieces," Jon finished his sentence.

"Yeah!" Topher couldn't help but smile when he thought of his first kiss with Kevin. And his second, third, fourth--

"That was how it was when I first kissed Gwendoline," Jon reminisced sadly, and Topher hugged his dad back. "I don't understand you sometimes, Junior, but I understand what you're telling me. You're an amazing kid; you know that? We're very different people. I realise that. You'll always be my little miracle. If boys make you happy, then you will always have my blessing. I only want you to be happy. Okay?"

"Oh, Dad," Topher squeezed him, Percy bear squashed between them. "You don't hate me? You're not angry with me?"

"No," Jon smiled and gently stroked the back of his son's head. They were the same height now. "I'm glad you're being honest with me. It'll only be the two of us soon. Let's not go into that stage of our lives being angry with each other."

"I know you want me to, Dad," Topher didn't want to push his luck, but it was time he started doing what was best for him. "But I can't stand being around her anymore. I said goodbye when she came back to us last time. This is... it's killing me. I can't be here with her."

"I need her here, Junior," Jon asserted rather defensively. "I won't let her go without me there by her side. But... I understand what you're saying. I hear you, Topher. I see it now."

"So... what happens now?" Topher asked.