Parity - 5. Topher - "Sugarpie"

January, Tuesday 30th

Selena: < you should bring me some burgers or snags tomorrow! >

Topher: < Haha. You can always come along. >

Selena: < next week maybe. i've got plans with reima x >

Topher: < You could bring him too. I'd be happy to see you. >

Selena: < im tempted. do you think i could come next time for real? >

Topher: < You're welcome to join us any time!  I'd be happy to see you. >

Selena: < im not catholic, will that matter? x >

Topher: < I don't see why it should. You're my friend, aren't you? If I love you, my Church group will love you too. >

Selena: < ok then, next week it's a date!!! have fun xx >

He couldn't help but smile at his phone. Selena van de Kamp was such a sweet girl, and she'd taken him firmly under her wing. Peatsland wasn't the nightmare he'd been expecting, the horror he'd prepared himself for. Aside from Veikko Carlisle's outburst and palpable hostility, the transition had been a smooth one. Dominic Faye came to mind as his favourite part of the experience thus far. Reima Carlisle was perhaps frosty and aloof, but he was thawing out quickly and Topher enjoyed his company. It was just a shame that his new friendships were hurting Veikko so much.

He'd felt crushed when the diminutive twin hurled such rage and profanity at him yesterday morning, but the punishment dealt by Selena and Dom felt so out of proportion. They would not speak to Veikko unless he apologised to Topher for what he'd said - it's not about what I want, Topher thought. I've forgiven him already. It's a shame that it's not enough for them because this senseless drama is starting to upset me, and both Veikko and Dom as well.

"Oh, come on Junior!" Jon's disappointed voice echoed from the doorway. Topher kept his door open more often than not. When he closed it, his parents immediately suspected he was up to something. "Why would you get undressed when you know we're expected at the gardens tonight?"

"Sorry," Topher replied with an apologetic smile. Aside from his underwear, he was naked, having stripped off his clothes the moment he arrived home from school. He'd done the same yesterday. He hated the clothes he was expected to wear. They belonged to Chris, the prodigal son of Father Jonathon and Gwendoline Lynch. Topher, though, he preferred to be free. No shirt, no socks. To feel the sun and the wind on his chest and the grass and sand under the soles of his bare feet, hair on his face rather than slicked back to the top of his head. It's a barbecue. It's not Mass, he thought sadly. He wanted to wear a loose t-shirt, some baggy shorts and some flipflops as everyone else did in the sultry heat of the summer evening.

"You don't need to be sorry," Jon chuckled. "You've got ten minutes to be ready before the nurse arrives and we head out. You know, you've always been a barefoot brat. I had more trouble getting you dressed for Mass than I ever did taking you to the dentist or to get your shots. I was hoping you'd grow out of it by now."

"Can I please wear my boardshorts?" Topher asked, sitting up on his bed to talk with his father. "It's hot, and I thought we might muck around in the river."

"You're a bit old to splash around, aren't you?" Jon shook his head. Topher's eyes fell. I have an example to set. "What's Percy bear doing on the bed?" Topher looked to the fluffy white teddy propped up against the pillow on the other side of the bed. I should have put him back.

"I didn't sleep very well last night," he admitted, almost scared to look at his father's face lest he was angry with him.

"I think you're a bit old to sleep with a stuffed toy as well, kiddo," Jon lectured him. He was still in his full-collared shirt and clerical collar, as well as the long pants and closed-toed black shoes he wore nearly every day. "You spend your mornings and a lot of your free afternoons on the beach, so I don't think it'll kill you to keep your clothes on for one night. You have an example to set for the other children, remember that. The kids all look up to you, so be a role model they can be proud of. Clothes on, shoes on, smile on. And make sure to see Mum before we go."

"Okay," Topher nodded, dread beginning to pool in his stomach.

"I don't deserve a son like you," his father smiled before he vanished. "Jesus has truly blessed me. We're going to be okay."

Topher didn't reply to him. He was feeling too conflicted. Dad saw it. Yesterday, he saw Mum hit me in the face. He saw what she was like to me. Witnessed it with his own eyes. He did nothing. For weeks and weeks, he's been calling me a liar; he didn't want to believe me. He saw it for himself, and he didn't even apologise to me. Please don't say "we," Dad. We're not equals, and we're not a team. I'm the one who takes all the hits because you're not strong enough to leave her in hospice care where she belongs.

"Hi Mum," Topher gently knocked on the open door of her bedroom after he dressed in the clothes he disliked and fixed his hair for the second time that day. He his heart sank when he saw her sitting up in the bed, her hands holding the sides of her head. Nothing had changed since he'd given her the morphine shot after school. Jon had been with her intermittently, and no matter how much she changed, how bad her day was, she always loved him. Why does she hate me? That woman there isn't my mother, not anymore. I miss her so much. She was in a lot of pain today. She might be better tomorrow, but Topher wasn't sure of it. While she still had good days where she remained functional, they were getting more sporadic as she approached the end of her life. Now, she hallucinated, she became angry and paranoid for no reason and she was often in severe pain.

"Jon? Why are you shouting?" Gwen moaned, looking over at him and narrowing her eyes. "Jon?"

"It's Topher, Mum," he said quietly and slowly approached her. She was in her pyjamas, and the room was dark. She was hooked up to her intravenous therapy. Early on in the end of life care, Gwen had joked about replacing her IV bag with a sack of wine. Now... he didn't want to think about it.

"Christopher?" Gwen's voice was full of pain. "Why are you shouting? Go and play outside, please. Mummy has a headache."

"I'll be back in a couple of hours," Topher whispered as softly as he could, reaching out to touch her. "I lov--"

"Just shut up!" Gwen shrieked and shoved him away with all his strength. Topher lost his balance and tripped over his foot, smacking the back of his head hard against the wall. He cried out in pain and scrambled out of the room before she could say or do something else hurtful, sitting on the floor with his back against the wall. He knew he needed to be brave, to be strong for his mother and his father, but he wasn't able to this time. The tears of pain, both physical and emotional, began leaking down his cheeks. When he brought his fingers to the back of his head, he saw blood on them. It scared him. Lord, why are you doing this to me? Whatever I'm doing wrong, I'll fix it. Please stop this.

"What's going on up there?" Topher heard his father scaling the creaky stairs and got to his feet before he could be seen looking so weak and pathetic.

"I fell," Topher wiped his eyes and face with the sleeve of his shirt and steeled his voice. "I hit my head. I'm just getting my bearings back."

"Are you alright, Junior?" Jon asked, his dark brown eyes assessing the damage when he reached the landing. Topher kept his father from seeing any blood on his fingers or his head. You must have heard her shout at me. You must have!

"She pushed me," he admitted, his voice quiet so that his mother would not hear him. "She pushed me, and I fell into the wall."

"Topher, you need to stop blaming her for everything," Jon told him sternly, putting a firm hand on his shoulder. "You know she doesn't mean to hurt you."

"But she does hurt me!" Topher angrily brushed his father's hand off his shoulder. "Every day! You look the other way and pretend it's not happening!"

"You haven't raised your voice to me in years!" Jon sounded more surprised than angry at his son's words.

"James 4:17," Topher hissed before he sidestepped into his bedroom. "I need to wash my hands." He closed the door behind him. Anyone, then, who knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, commits sin. You should know that one, Father Jon, he thought bitterly. He ran some warm water over a facewasher and gently dabbed at the back of his head, where his fair hair was cut short and cleaned up the blood that leaked from the tiny gash.

There wasn't much, but it still hurt him to see it. By the time he'd cleaned his hands, face and made sure his scalp was no longer oozing blood, the nurse had arrived and Topher passed her in the kitchen. He did not have a lot to say to her, but the two exchanged a greeting. She brought seven new syringes full of morphine with her. Topher was not supposed to touch it, but sometimes he administered one through his mother's cannula on his father's orders. Once, his mother had been crying and shrieking in pain so much that he couldn't help himself and got himself into a lot of trouble for his weakness. Jon barely looked at him when the two climbed into the car together, with Topher carrying the giant bowl of smoked salmon salad for the potluck. His feelings were hurt, and Topher felt terrible about that.

"I'm sorry," Topher said quietly. There was nothing else to add.

"Me too," Jon replied. They didn't have anything else to say until they arrived at the gardens. Only six months ago, we would have laughed the whole way, Topher thought miserably. What's happening to us?

A dozen people had arrived already. Harper Peterson's family of five were instantly recognisable and he was glad to see her. She leapt up from her seat at the bench to greet Father Lynch, superstar of the Catholic community, and his devout, handsome and kind-hearted son, Topher. What a picture, Topher thought. It's a shame it's not an accurate one.

"I've missed you!" Harper squeezed her arms around his neck. She was a small girl, quite a bit shorter than him, so she needed to stand on her toes to hug him properly.

"I've missed you too!" Topher uneasily balanced the huge bowl on one hand while his other rested around the girl's lower back. "So much!"

"Break it up, you kids!" Gertie Peterson, Harper's mother, teased them from the big bench. Already it was filling up with bowls and plates of salads, wedges, breads, cheeses and guacamole - Topher was afraid he wouldn't be able to stick to his diet tonight. The smell of meat cooking on the nearby barbecues filled the air and his tummy started rumbling. After the events that had taken place in his mother's room, he felt like he wanted to cheer himself up by gorging himself on as many burgers, pieces of garlic bread and brownies as he could. I wish Selena were here, he thought. Dominic too, and even Reima. Topher behaved himself, though. In spite of his misery, he beamed as cheerfully as he could when he shook hands and greeted everyone there, as his father had taught him to do. Nobody likes a sissy boy.

"Saint Joseph's sucks without you!" Harper was following him around, attached to him at the hip. He laughed and turned to her.

"You wouldn't even be in my classes!" He remarked, leaning back against a thick tree trunk. "You can't be missing me that much when you only saw me for recess and lunch periods."

"Kevin and Zack aren't as much fun," she pouted, tossing her brown curls over her shoulders and grinning with her thin, red lips. She's pretty, Topher found himself thinking. She's always been pretty, but now she's becoming a woman.

"Where is Kevin, by the way?" Topher asked, looking around. "He'll be here, won't he?"

"He said he would," Harper leaned next to Topher and rested her head on his shoulder. She's more affectionate that she usually is, he noted. His face tinged pink with embarrassment. She's always had a crush on me. "So how's Peatsland with the queers and the sinners?"

"It's... very different," Topher replied carefully. "It's a beautiful school, and the lessons are a lot more hands-on. You might actually get in trouble for not speaking during a class!"

"Wow!" Harper raised her thin eyebrows. "That's weird."

"I'd come back to Saint Joseph's if I could," Topher sighed. "I miss you all so much, but Peatsland is nice. It wasn't nearly the nightmare I was scared it would be. Everyone swears so much, though. I think I can do without that."

"How are the deviants and degenerates?" She asked curiously, and Topher felt something burning through him. Was it shame? Anger? He didn't know, but the question didn't sit well with him.

"They're just people, from what I've seen," he mumbled uncomfortably. "Veikko Carlisle is every bit as nasty as I thought, but the others have been very kind to me. Dominic Faye in particular. He might be my best friend there."

"What? You know he's a poof, don't you?" Harper appeared alarmed, and Topher narrowed his eyes. "You shouldn't hang out with him. He's dangerous. Remember what he and his disgusting friend did to Zack?"

"He's gay, he doesn't have leprosy," Topher replied tersely. "Zack is a bully, and they were only defending themselves."

"Zack was defending himself from them, more like," Harper scoffed. "Nobody wants to see that queer stuff."

"Let's talk about something else," Topher suggested. What a shame, he thought. Harper looked so sweet, but she had ugliness in her. Hate. She did not know these people. She had never met them or spoken to them. How could she think so little of them? Dominic may be homosexual and a big, muscular brute to look at, but he was gentle and kind. Topher couldn't believe that Jesus would reject such a pure-hearted person because he loved other men. Neither should Harper. It seemed wrong.

"Are you dating anyone from this Peatsland place?" Harper asked, and Topher couldn't stop a smile from spreading on his face. She likes me.

"No," he played with his tie. I don't like wearing a tie. "It's been two days, Harp! I can barely remember anybody's name."

"Good! You can't date any girls without my approval!" Harper declared, and he shook his head. You're so transparent.

"Topher!" He heard Jon calling for him, and he obediently moved away and gave an apologetic wave to his friend, who smiled provocatively at him. More people had arrived, and it was Topher's responsibility, alongside his father, to welcome each and every one of them.

"Flash!" Topher's heart raced when he saw his favourite person strolling through down the pathway with his little sister and his parents sometime later. Kevin was wearing a very low cut tank top with deep sleeve holes that exposed much of his athletic body, and Topher immediately felt something below his waist twitch. He chose to ignore it. Don't be tempted. Not again.

"Hey Toph, it's been a while!" Kevin extended his hand, to Topher's relief, and the two shared the awkward man-hug. The blond boy greeted Kevin's family, and then the two boys were alone for a moment.

"You didn't show up for our run this morning," Topher didn't mean to whine, but he'd been disappointed about it all day long.

"Yeah, sorry about that," Kevin made up for it by putting his arm around Topher's neck as the two walked side by side back to the populated area. There must have been nearly a hundred people here by now, most of them frequent Churchgoers and their families. A homeless woman who went by Val often made an appearance, to the joy of some and the disgust of others.

"Do I need to start ringing you in the morning so you remember to wake up?" Topher teased him, and Kevin laughed.

"You do, and I'll throw you into the sea," his friend poked back. "How's school, Christine? You're missing me, I bet!"

"So much," Topher agreed, happy to have his friend by his side again. "School's not so bad. How about you? Are you missing me, too?"

"Yeah," Kevin pulled him closer and squeezed him. It was a hug, so Topher believed, but with enough machismo to protect Kevin's fragile ego. "How's Gwendoline? Is she alright?" Topher flinched. He preferred it when his friends didn't talk about her illness. Harper and Zack often respected that, but Kevin always wanted progress updates.

"She's..." Topher didn't want to tell him, but he abhorred lying, so that wasn't an option either. "Having a rest tonight. I don't think she'll be back for another potluck. She's sleeping a lot."

"Gee Toph, I'm sorry," Kevin looked away sadly. "I pray for her every day. And for you."

That's sweet of you, Topher wanted to say. He fantasised about spinning around and enveloping Kevin in his arms and kissing him on the lips. What? What's wrong with you? He'd never forgive you for doing that again.

"Thanks," Topher replied instead. "Will you be on the beach tomorrow?"

"I should be," Kevin nodded, but Topher saw through his response. He's scared we might kiss again, isn't he? That's why he didn't come this morning. Please don't try to avoid me, Kev. It hurts.

The meal progressed very well. The smoked salmon salad was a tremendous hit, to Topher's pride. Another sin I have to answer for, he thought as he looked across at Kevin's handsome face and soft eyes.

"This salad is the best! Gwen made this?" Zack asked, his mouth full, scarfing as much down as he could as quickly as he could. Topher smiled. His mother was a terrific cook.

"No, I did," he admitted, and Zack looked at him incredulously. "Mum taught me some of her recipes a while ago when she got the diagnosis."

"Wait, you cooked this?" Zack could scarcely believe the words and, to Topher's amazement and ire, pushed the bowl away from himself. "That's pretty gay, man. I don't know if I like that a dude made this."

"Please yourself," Topher had never been particularly fond of Zack, and it was beginning to show itself. He remembered the time Zack nearly lost his job because he refused to sign in - the only available pen was glittery and wrote in purple ink. He remembered seeing Zack throwing sand at little Veikko Carlisle at the beach because Veikko lay snuggled up in Dominic's arm and that offended him - eventually, Zack tried to beat the smaller boy down. He remembered the way Zack pulled the head off Percy bear because he thought that Topher's attachment to his first stuffed toy made him a sissy.

Even though Gwen stitched Percy back together, Topher had never forgiven his friend for that. Unfortunately, Zack's parents were very close with Topher's, so it the two were expected to get along. Kevin and Harper's parents belonged to the same clique, but he enjoyed their company. Even if Kevin had some flaws and Harper as well, they were amiable to him. Zack was not. He'd always been rude and sometimes cruel to Topher, but boys will be boys and nobody likes a sissy.

"I think it's great," Harper stood up for Topher like she always would. She agreed with Zack on a great many things, but when it was Topher's honour on the line, she would side with him every time. "Can you imagine never having Gwen's smoked salmon salad again? Or peanut brownies or...!" She gasped. "Apple-cranberry pork roast!"

"Then she should've had a daughter," Zack shrugged as though it was making perfect sense and he reached over to stab a beef patty.

"It's 2018, Zackie," Kevin pointed out, sounding a little annoyed. "If you think cooking up some grub is gay, you better get yourself a wife pretty fast. Otherwise, you're gonna starve to death quick smart when your Mummy stops packing your lunch."

"Nope," Zack dismissed him, gnawing at the burger right off his fork rather than cutting it up. Funny, Topher thought with a smile. Zack thought his hypermasculine attitude made him tough and dominant, but it was the most fragile force in the world. He couldn't even get into a pink car. "I'm seventeen in three weeks, and I'm going right to the Defence Force Academy."

"What?" Harper nearly choked on her salmon. "You're going to the army? For real? I thought you had to be eighteen!"

"Wow, man! First Toph leaves, and now you? I'm gonna be all alone!" Kevin wailed in dismay but extended a congratulatory handshake regardless. Where the news saddened the others, Topher thought it was the best thing he'd heard in a long time. Maybe the army will straighten him out, he thought. He started laughing out loud when he considered how Zack might react if the academy assigned him to the kitchens.

"Congratulations, Zack," Topher covered for himself by smiling at his friend, who was looking at him strangely. "You've been after this for such a long time. All that praying has paid off!"

"Yeah, man!" Zack slapped the table in excitement. "Finally got the parents to agree to let me go. Three weeks! Gonna have my seventeenth and enrol the next Monday!"

The conversation turned to Zack's plans, much to Topher's joy. It was a poignant experience for him, to have his friends and community enjoy his mother's recipes. I'm not as good as her, he thought, but she would be proud of me. My mother, the woman who birthed me. The woman who loved me. Not this woman who hates me and hurts me.

Zack and Kevin joined the other youngsters for a game of cricket on the grass. Topher disliked cricket and decided to spectate, sitting against a tree. He'd taken off his shoes and socks in defiance of his father's wishes and rolled his slacks up over his ankles. The meet and greet portion of the night is over. I've done my part, he'd told himself. Now I should be free to enjoy myself like everybody else. Some of the children had waded up to their knees in the gently flowing river nearby, and Topher was jealous. Perhaps he'd get away with spending the rest of the evening barefoot and perhaps not, but Jon would not stand for his son making a spectacle of himself by playing in the water. I don't see why not, he thought sadly.

"Topher," Harper asked, having followed him almost everywhere for the whole night. Jon noticed this, and even shot his son some coy smiles and raised his eyebrows a couple of times. She was very close to him now. "Do you think I'm ugly?" Oh, bless, here we again. He almost flinched when her fingers began tracing his and occasionally linking with them.

"Of course I don't," Topher reassured her. "I think you're beautiful."

"Would you kiss me?" She asked, far more boldly than he would have expected. He'd been aware of her feelings towards him for a while, but she'd never been so aggressive with them. Perhaps it was losing him to Peatsland that kicked her into second gear.

"I don't know," Topher replied, being completely honest.

"Are you a poof or something?" Harper asked matter-of-factly. "If you think I'm beautiful, but you won't kiss me?"

"Of course not," he wasn't sure about this answer. I don't know what's going on with me, but I want it to stop. "You're like a little sister to me. I remember watching you getting baptised. Kissing you would be... weird."

"It sounds like Dominic Faye is turning you gay," she continued teasing. "You have an opportunity to kiss me and you're turning me down. What's the matter with you?"

He didn't kiss her because he wanted to. He did it to stop her from talking. That's horrible, he thought as his lips gently pressed against hers. No. She keeps saying things about my friend, he reminded himself. I don't want to hear it anymore. It was only a small, two-second peck on the lips, but apparently, everybody and their mother witnessed it, and there was a series of 'aww' and 'ooh' and 'woo' that left Topher's face a crimson, embarrassed red. Zack was obnoxiously loud and making kissy faces at them, but Kevin looked so betrayed for some reason. There was hurt in his eyes.

Topher didn't feel guilty about it this time, though. He felt angry. You don't want me to kiss you, but you don't want me to kiss someone else? I'm already confused enough, so how much more confused do I have to be before you stop all this? Out of spite, he took Harper's hand entirely in his and squeezed her fingers. Harper giggled happily and rested her head on Topher's shoulder. That did it for Kevin, who looked away and returned to his game. What would Harper say if she knew Kevin and I kiss each other? Hopefully, his parents and Kevin's would continue to keep that to themselves.

At around seven-twenty, while he was still holding Harper's hand and watching Kevin intently to see if he would look back at them - he never did - Topher's phone began to ring. Immediately he panicked. What if it was the night nurse and his mother had taken a horrible turn or even died while he was here having fun? His heart settled down when he saw Dominic Faye's name on his caller ID. He's at work, isn't he? Why is he ringing?

"I've got to take this," he pulled away apologetically from his friend - or was she technically his girlfriend now? - and stood up.

"Seriously?" Harper looked annoyed. "You want to ditch me so you can talk to a faggot?"

"Don't call him that, please," Topher looked down at her. "He's my friend." He walked away and pressed the button to answer the call. "Hello!" He greeted his friend cheerfully.

"Toph, what's goin' on?" Dom asked. He sounded happy, which was good.

"Still at the barbecue," Topher strolled lazily along the grass. "I had my first kiss with a girl a few moments ago."

"Oh... nice, mate!" Dom laughed. "Is she a looker?"

"I suppose," Topher didn't feel comfortable talking about it, he decided. "How about you? Is everything okay?"

"Oh yeah, I'm on my break," Dom explained. "I just wanted to see how you were getting along. It sounds like I might have been interrupting."

"No, I'm thrilled you interrupted," Topher started laughing, and Dom did as well. "So you're on your break at work and you decided to call me? That's lovely of you." He couldn't shake the thought that Dom only called him because he was in an extended fight with Veikko Carlisle.

"It's been a long shift," Dom admitted, and his voice did become tired. "I wanted a conversation that wasn't about onions or orders, I guess."

"I have some good news for you," Topher smiled to himself as he revisited the thought. "You remember Zackary McKenzie? Well, he's going to join the army, and we'll only have to put up with him when he's given leave!"

"Hahaha!" Dominic enjoyed that. "I thought he was your mate, though."

"By circumstance. I really think he's a brat who could use some discipline," Topher admitted. "Perhaps you could tell Veikko. It might cheer him up."

"I haven't spoken much to Koko in a while," Dom replied sadly. Topher enjoyed his accent, the way he pronounced his vowels so differently. It was so... Dominic. "I'm too fuckin' tired of dealing with his shit at the moment."

"Does... do I... complicate things?" Topher was uneasy about his new friendships sometimes. It was hurting Veikko and he didn't like that, even if he thought the kid was a handful and he didn't like him at all. "I don't want to be the reason you're falling out with him."

"You're not, buddy," Dom reassured him, and Topher heard him sigh. "I'm really grateful to have you around, and thanks again for the chat. You've already made my night better! Hey, I'll let you get back to your new girlfriend. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Wait! Do you want to walk to school with me tomorrow? You're working after school all the time, so I was wondering if you'd like to hang out before school instead?" Topher asked quickly before the other fellow hung up. There was a moment of silence.

"I don't think I can, Toph," Dom said, slowly and sadly. "I usually have stuff to do in the morning. I'll let you know tomorrow, okay?"

"Of course," Topher flashed a dazzling smile as though Dom could see it. Or maybe he'd know. "Have a great night."

By the time Topher returned, the cricket game was either in intermission or had finished, and Zack and Harper were giggling together.

"How's your pet fag?" Zack asked him immediately, and Harper's giggles intensified. How dare you, Zackary.

"My friend? He's doing well, thank you for being interested," Topher replied angrily. "Where's Flash?"

"Got mad about you being a fag lover and went home," Zack continued to taunt him, and Topher felt his blood boiling. The sooner Zack left to join the armed forces, the better. "So, you two, when's the wedding, hey?"

"Don't be a creep!" Harper chastised him and swatted him playfully in the face. "It was only a kiss!"

"Yeah, but you've gotta be married before you're allowed to do it," Zack reminded her. Thank the Lord for that loophole, Topher thought to himself. He couldn't imagine sliding himself between Harper's legs. The kiss wasn't a declaration of his love, either. It paled in comparison to feeling Kevin's pouty, full lips press themselves against his, the dance their tongues would make. With Harper, it wasn't any more than a display of friendly affection. In his eyes, at least. Harper was already grabbing at his hand again, and he let her.

"Excuse me," Topher was too depressed at the thought of upsetting the boy he loved and too angry at the homophobia from the people he thought of as his friends. "I'd like to be in the company of nicer people right now."

"Ooh, Toph," Zack mocked him as he picked up his shoes and stormed off, leaving Harper behind. "You're in a tizzy today, buddy! Maybe you've got your period! Calm down before you have one of those pa-pa-panic att-t-t-acks!"

"Shut up," he heard Harper hiss and smack him, and that at least gave him a smile. I made a mistake, he realised. I should never have kissed Harper, not unless I meant it. Oh, no. What would she think if she knew her first kiss was with someone who was only trying to make someone else jealous? Another boy, at that? You're a terrible person, Topher. How could you do this to her? And to Kevin? And to God?

Topher, angry with his friends and himself, spent the rest of the potluck with his father and many of the other members of the community. No friends, no children. I don't deserve friends and I'm a horrible role model. There was a tense moment when Harper's father pulled him aside. Topher was scared he'd be lectured or scolded for his inappropriate behaviour with the man's daughter, but instead, Mr Peterson applauded him for finally making a move. The man laughed about his daughter being in love with Topher for years and merrily informed Topher that if his little girl was ready to begin dating, he was thrilled that it was with the sensible, respectful son of Father Jonathon. Why can't you just yell at me, Topher found himself silently pleading. Please don't tell me you're proud of me. I did a horrible thing. She deserves better than me. Maybe I will end up having a panic attack after all.

It was nine o'clock when the fellows arrived home - Jon suddenly seemed very eager to leave, and Topher wasn't ready to argue. They brought no leftovers with them. Leftovers were taken home by members of the community who needed them - usually Val, who often wept with gratitude. Topher's parents were very well off. His house was huge and spacious, the home that Jon and Gwen purchased when there had been dreams of a family with a minimum of four children. This house has six bedrooms, he thought as he entered through the front door. It seems like a waste of space when Val has to sleep in the foyer of the Church because she has nowhere to go.

"Hello, sugarpie!" A familiar voice called to him as he passed the sitting room, and he did a double take. He hadn't heard those words in a while, and he came back to poke his head inside. Gwen was sitting there, her IV next to her chair and watching the television. The nurse greeted him as well, smiling from the sofa and a glass of juice in her hand. That was a weird thing for the nurse to say to him. Gwen had only thrown him against her bedroom wall a few hours ago. It couldn't have been her. "Sugarpie!" Gwen waved, and his heart leapt in his chest. Oh! It was her, wasn't it? She didn't call him Christopher. She called him sugarpie!

"Mama?" Topher asked gingerly, and Gwen beamed at him, beckoning him to approach her. "You're not angry with me, are you?"

"Heavens, no!" Gwen reassured him, standing up carefully so as not to cause trouble with her cannula.

"Do you need some help, Gwen?" Nurse Murdoch asked, poised to get up and assist.

"No thank you, dear," Gwen held her arms open, and Topher felt more tears beginning to run down his cheeks. You're such a sissy boy, he thought. "I'm not quite dead yet. I'd like to give my sugarpie a kiss, though."

It must be her, one of her good days where she wasn't angry, where she wasn't imagining that he was going out of his way to hurt and offend her. Those days were plentiful early on, but as weeks went by, they became fewer and fewer until Topher truly believed that she was lost to him entirely, that he'd never see the mother who loved him again. He didn't waste much time in wrapping his arms around her thick body and letting her embrace fill him with a warmth he hadn't felt in so long.

"Mum had a rough day," Nurse Murdock's voice was full of emotion as well. "Then she had a big sleep, and she's just woken up. She's feeling much better."

"I've been praying so hard," Topher sobbed. "I love you so much, Mama."

"Oh, sugarpie," she whispered in his ear, squeezing him close. "You're my little miracle, and I love you to bits. Look at you! You're getting so handsome! I still wish you'd cut that hair, though."

"Hello, darling" Jon swooped in and kissed his wife on the lips before joining the standing hug. "Anita told me you were awake, so I thought I'd bring us home early."

"Oh, you didn't have to do that!" Gwen laughed and eventually broke away, sitting back down in her chair. Topher, not wanting to let go just yet, sat on the armrest and linked his arms around his mother's. Jon's eyes were moist as well, Topher could see. It's hard on him too, he reminded himself. He loves her as much as I do.

"I'm sorry I've been asleep so much, Junior," she kissed him on the fingers and rested her forehead against his. Harmony and grace flooded from her into his heart again. "I'm missing out on so much! I've been dreaming about you a lot, but they've been awful dreams. It's good to be awake and to see you for myself again."

She thinks none of it was real, Topher realised, his heart beginning to break. She thinks she's dreaming most of the time. Jon looked at his son with pleading eyes, and Topher saw him. This is what he's been waiting for. Praying for.

"It's just a bad dream, Mama," he whispered and kissed her on the forehead. It wasn't, but she didn't need to know that. Be strong for her. "I'm just glad you're awake again. I love you so much."

"I love you too, sugarpie!" Gwen kissed him back.

He didn't know how long this would last, but both he and his father intended to make the most of it while they could. Every time she 'woke up' might be the last time they saw their wife and mother, especially as she approached the night the Lord would take her for good. It was very late when Topher finally dozed off with his head in her lap. Thank you, Lord. Thank you for giving me the chance to tell her I love her.