Virtualization - 17. Acceptance

Collin watches Armon put the finishing touches on his fate wheel.

Armon smiles at him, “I’m glad they added the next ring of nodes.”

Collin smiles back, “Yeah. That looks great by the way. I’m glad you were able to find something you really feel passionate about.”

Armon nods, “Thank you.” He looks down, “Collin. There’s something I want to say.”

Collin smiles at him, “What is it?”

Armon looks down sheepishly, “You know how I am using a wolf?”

Collin nods, “Yes. I can tell you really like wolves.”

Armon shakes his head, “I… it’s more than that. I… feel like I was supposed to be a wolf.” He takes a deep breath, “My avatar was lupine. And I always felt better when I was in game on all fours. This six hour game was the best time of my life. I finally felt what it was like! When I ran, I could feel it. I could smell and see the world from the perspective I’d always wanted to and it felt right! But then I was human again, and I felt hollow.”

Collin sighs, “So your pet isn’t just a companion, it represents the real you. I’m sorry for the misunderstanding.”

Armon looks up at him, “You aren’t gonna tell me I’m crazy?”

Collin shakes his head, “It’s not my place to judge you for what you feel you are. I want to be positive. If there’s one good thing that’s come out of all of this for everyone I know, it’s that it’s helped them find who and what they really are. If that, for you, is being a wolf? Then I’m just happy you were able to realize that.”

Armon looks down, “But I’m not a wolf anymore.”

Collin lifts Armon’s head so they are looking into each other’s eyes, “If you feel that you are, then you are.”

Armon smiles a bit, “Thank you.” He sighs, “It’s just so hard not being able to experience it anymore.”

Collin nods, “I don’t really understand, but I can imagine. It must feel confining.”

Armon nods, “Yeah.” He smiles, “Maybe what I’ll do now is try to figure out how to get that feeling back. Do what I can do.”

Collin smiles, “That’s the best thing you can do. I’ve learned lamenting what you can do nothing about is a waste of time.”

Armon nods, “From being trapped in here?”

Collin nods, “Yeah. In a way, I had to learn to be me, just like you are doing.”

Armon’s expression grows sheepish, “Do you mind if I hug you?”

Collin nods, “You can always hug me.”

Armon hugs him, “Thanks. I needed that.”

Collin hugs him back, “Everyone does sometimes.”

Meanwhile

Jacklyn and him are sitting in a tree in the garden.

“She was so full of life!” Jerome says.

Jacklyn turns her head to look at him, “You loved her still didn’t you?”

Jerome looks down, “I don’t know. I do know I felt very strongly, but I also know she didn’t love me, at least not like that.”

Jacklyn puts a hand on his shoulder, “You know? I think Gail did love you in her own way.”

Jerome nods, “I know she did.”

Jacklyn smiles at him, “So what are you gonna do now? You have thought about it right?”

Jerome smiles at her, “Stephan and Armon still need me, and I think I need them, so I’m going to keep going. I want to go see what’s in the new ring. I think Kwame’s right. I think the best way to respect those we lost is to keep going. Otherwise, what was the point?”

Jacklyn looks up, “I always was gonna keep going. Maybe it’s selfish, but I couldn’t just sit around where it’s safe. As long as I’m stuck here, I might as well live as best I can.”

“That’s a common mantra.” Jerome responds.

Jacklyn grins at him, “That’s because it’s smart.”

He stands up, “You should find a place. You still just grind energy for Ben and Theo.”

“Maybe that is my place.” She says, “Even though my build isn’t really made for grinding, I’m still happy doing it. It feels good, and those two kids deserve all the support we can give them. They’ve done so much better than anyone could have guessed.”

Jerome nods, “That they have. Have you considered making a guild with them? Making your position as their protector and compatriot formal?”

She smiles, “You know, that’s a good idea! Maybe I’ll mention it to them, see what they say.”

Jerome jumps out of the tree. “You should.”

She jumps down after him, “It’s not so bad, being stuck here.”

Jerome nods, “Yeah. It’s really not.”

Jacklyn starts walking away, “Just remember to live a little!”

Jerome waves, “You too!”

Meanwhile

Stephan isn’t sure why he’s hesitant to message Luke. Normally he’s happy to see him, but now it’s making him uneasy. Maybe it has nothing to do with Luke, just being him uncomfortable asking for help, but that doesn’t make a lot of sense either. What makes even less sense is that, though he’s quite uncomfortable contacting Luke, he’s still considering asking someone else to do it for him, which is why he’s standing at one end of the square staring at the A team.

He usually has no issues approaching them either, but he still can’t make himself do it. Once again, he can’t come up with a reason why. Maybe it’s his hesitance about Luke. Or maybe he’s just scared that when he asks Luke for help, he’ll be told no. Though he has no reason to think Luke would refuse him.

“Uh… are you okay?” The voice belongs to a girl.

Stephan turns to see the girl he’s seen with Zuri and Kaja. “I don’t know.” He answers honestly.

She raises an eyebrow at him, “You know, you can go talk to them.”

Stephan sighs. So she did notice, “I know.”

“Then they aren’t the problem?” She posits.

Stephan shakes his head, “No.” He looks down, “I’m being stupid.”

She crosses her arms, “Huh. Well, I tried.”

“Wait!” He says as she starts to turn away, “Can I ask you something?”

She turns back, a curious smile on her face, “Sure.”

He sighs, “Have you ever been worried about something dumb?”

She nods, “Hasn’t everyone?”

He nods, “Yeah, I suppose. I’m just...” he turns to look at the A team again, to find they’ve left, “afraid to ask for help.”

She raises her eyebrow at him incredulously, “You’re afraid of asking the A team for help?”

It sounds ridiculous to him too when she says it. “Sort of. I’m…” He realizes expecting Luke to react any differently than them is also pretty ridiculous, “I want to ask Luke to teach me to parry.”

She smiles at him, “Sounds like a good plan to me. What’s wrong? Does he dislike you or something?”

He shakes his head, “No. We talk regularly.”

“Is this like, some boy macho pride thing?” She posits.

He’s realized that all along of course, but hearing her say it is even more of a hit to his pride than asking Luke would be. The irony that it took a bigger blow to his pride to get him to do this is not lost on him, and he realizes he has some growing to do, “Yeah. I should just go talk to him.”

She smiles, “Yep. Glad I could help.” He smiles at her in response and then sends Luke a message as she walks away. He sighs when Luke responds that he can meet him now at the main teleporter. How can he be this uncomfortable asking a guy he trusts with his life for some lessons?

Luke raises an eyebrow when Stephan walks up to him, “Are you okay? You seem nervous.”

Stephan shakes his head, “Yes… No… Sort of…”

Luke motions towards a bench, “Do you want to talk about it?”

Stephan can’t help but laugh at the absurdity of Luke offering to lend an ear to Stephan about his irrational nervousness regarding asking him for help. Luke’s curious expression deepens but he says nothing. “Sorry. It’s just, I was nervous about asking you for help, and now you just offer it!”

Luke shakes his head as he sits down, “You never have to worry about asking me for help Stephan.”

Stephan sits down next to him, “I know. I guess I just feel weird asking for help.”

Luke nods, “I was the same way at your age. Don’t worry about it. So, what did you need help with?”

Stephan smiles at him, “I’m going to be tanking for my guild, and I have my shield, but that’s kind of all or nothing. You are the best player at parrying in the game, aren’t you?”

Luke blinks at him, “One of them. But, I don’t think I’d be a very good teacher. I learned by trial and error.”

Stephan frowns, “You told me a lot about it before.”

Luke nods, “Yeah, but parrying is really really precise. Knowing what to do is only a small part of it. You still have to be able to time it right.”

Stephan looks down, “So you won’t help me?”

Luke tilts his head to the side, “Actually, I will. I just want you to know that not everyone is good at parrying. And if you’re bad at it, it’s more dangerous than just blocking with your shield.”

Stephan nods, “You said something like that before.”

Luke nods, “I meant it. But if you want to learn, I’ll try and teach you.”

Stephan smiles at him, “Yes.”

Meanwhile

Collin is leaving the lodge when Brent and Nina walk over to him. He smiles a bit when he sees she finally took his suggestion, but he decides not to say anything. He doesn’t want to rock the boat. For her part, she walks straight up to him.

“Collin! What do you think?” She asks.

“You look very beautiful.” He responds.

She smiles sheepishly at that, “Collin. I… know that nothing is going to happen, but I don’t want to regret anything. I already have enough regrets just being who I am, so I wanted to say: I think you’re beautiful. I think you’re great. I know I have a schoolgirl crush on you. I know it’s probably not deeper than that or lasting, but I wanted to tell you anyway.”

Collin smiles down at her, “You’re definitely too young for me, but I’m not angry. I’m flattered, and glad you realize that it’s not true love, for your own sake.”

Nina smiles up at him. Then she turns to Brent, “He helped me pick this out. He’s got a knack for color!”

“Oh?” Collin says, “I’ve been trying to pick a color for my room, but red and gold is a bit too Gryffindor common room. Do you think you could help me?”

Brent looks away, clearly embarrassed, “I think I might be able to do that.”

Collin raises an eyebrow, “So. You two are getting closer?”

Brent looks at him, “She doesn’t see me that way.”

Collin turns to Nina, “How do you see him?”

“He’s the guy who sees me for me.” She sighs, “I don’t know how to feel. Some part of me wants it to be a lie, but that part of me is crazy and I hate it! He can see my… my...” She whispers under her breath, “boy bits” She picks up her voice again, “and still see me as a beautiful girl. I wish I could do that.”

Brent smiles, “I’ll do it enough for the both of us!” He looks up at Collin, “For what it’s worth. I think you’re really attractive too. Not that I’m attracted to you, but I am a bit envious.”

Collin nods at him, “Thank you.” He smiles at them, glad to see young love start to bloom. He hopes Nina starts to feel for Brent how Brent clearly feels for her. Finding a person like that, who accepts you for who you are unconditionally, is rare.

Nina looks over at Brent and then up at Collin, “I think I will feel that way about him. I just… need to… I need to become a person I can love! I need to figure out a way to look in the mirror and like what I see. And then, once that happens, I think I’ll be able to feel that way about someone else.” She looks down, “But it’s so much easier to say that than to do it.”

Brent smiles at her, “You don’t have to ever believe that. I hope you do, cause you deserve to be happy, but I’ll be here for you.”

“Nina. I may not like you in a romantic sense, but you always have my support. I think you are beginning to realize what we all are, that this is our life now, so we have to live it.” Collin says.

Nina nods, “Yeah.”

Brent nods as well, “Thanks.”

Collin smiles as they run off. He’s been worrying on and off about both of them. Sometimes they seem great and happy, like now, but he’s also seem them looking terrible. But after seeing that, he’s not worried. They’ll be fine.

As they’re leaving Collin, Brent and Nina get messages. “It’s from Guy.” Nina says.

Brent raises an eyebrow, “Mine to.”

“He wants to meet us in his room.” Nina continues.

“It must be important if he asked for both of us.” Brent posits.

Nina nods, “Then lets go.”

Its only a few minutes later when they enter Guy’s room. They are about to say something to him when they see the serious expression on his face. “Is something wrong?” Nina asks.

Guy points to a couch opposite the chair he’s sitting in, motioning for them to sit down. They both sit, silently waiting for him to speak.

“Zach.” He says finally.

“Is that your name?” Brent asks.

Zach nods, “Yeah. I… I…” He takes a breath, “I can’t fight anymore.”

Nina tilts her head to the side, “That’s fine.” She isn’t curious why he’d want to stop. She’s curious why he’s making such a big deal about it.

Zach looks at Brent, “Yeah. I… I didn’t want you guys to feel like I abandoned you.”

Brent shakes his head, “If you need to stop fighting, go ahead. If you need to become a non-combatant, then that’s what you need.”

Zach smiles at him, “You think so?” Brent nods in response.

Nina smiles at him, “Of course we think so.” She notices that he’s looking more to Brent than her, but rather than being insulted, she’s happy. She can tell he’s looking to Brent because he’s a boy, rather than because he has any dislike of her.

Zach looks down at his hands, “I was standing right next to her you know. When everything went wrong. Those exploding bugs landed around us. I tried to tell her not to, but she wouldn’t listen. She charged a group of them. She was happy even! Then she hit one, they all exploded, and she was gone.” Brent and Nina go quiet. They know he’s talking about Shirley.

He looks up at them, “I was too afraid. But it was more than that. I… I began to think this was a mistake. The entire raid. Playing the game. All of it. I began to think that this was stupid, that I didn’t really want this. That I was just going along with things because that’s what you guys wanted.” Brent and Nina’s eyes widen. Neither of them had realized he felt like that. They hadn’t ever intended to push him into anything. They’d always thought he wanted to be a part of their group.

“Now I don’t know what to think. I wonder if I was wrong. I wonder if we were wrong. Or maybe I wonder if it was just wrong for me.” He sighs, “Please don’t get mad.”

Brent smiles at him, “I’m not mad. I’m sorry I made you feel that way.” He looks down, “I was so busy being angry at everything, that I forgot to be a friend.”

Nina looks away sheepishly, “Yeah. I’m sorry too.”

Zach sighs, “It wasn’t you.” He thinks for a moment, “Well, not just you. Shirley. She was always pushing me. And I loved her for it, but she intimidated me too. She was so good at getting over everything.” He looks up at them, “Did you ever see her when she was mourning for her brother?”

Brent shakes his head, “She lost a brother too?”

Zach shakes his head, “No. Her brother was never in the game to begin with. He drove her there. I think her parents forced him to, but with Shirley it’s hard to know.” Brent and Nina both nod. It was sometimes hard to know exactly what Shirley was thinking. They all could tell she was a lot more conscientious than she appeared, but she was also so straight forward and naive about so many things that it was hard to know exactly what she was trying to say.

“I met her before you guys were around, cause she just started talking to me about her brother. I listened, and I listened. I wanted to say something to her, to try and cheer her up, but nothing ever came to mind. Then one day she just… came to me and was happy. I asked her what happened, and she just said: ‘My brother is happy.’ I was so confused, cause she was saying the same thing she was saying when she was sad, but she seemed perfectly happy about it, so I asked her, ‘Are you okay?’ and she was like, ‘My brother is happy. I’m fine.’”

Zach shakes his head, “I kept watching her, for signs that she was… in… denial I think it is? Or… pro… projecting? But I couldn’t find any. She just seemed happy. And when I talked about it she was perfectly fine with it. It was like, she’d somehow gotten over it.”

Brent and Nina are not surprised by that. Neither of them understood their former companion’s ability to move on. They’d both come to rely on it, but it was alien to both of them how she could so easily and unabashedly accept things. “She was like that.” Nina eventually says.

Zach looks at them, “Yeah. After watching her enthusiastically charge to her death, I realized something. That’s not me. I think about the top players, and I could imagine them doing the same thing. Jacklyn, Luke, Asa, Ardine, Jerome. I could imagine them charging into that group of explosives with the same grin.” He looks down into his hands, “And until I can imagine myself doing that,” he looks up at them, “I can’t fight.”

Brent looks at him, “Can you imagine us doing that?”

Zach looks up at him, a surprised expression on his face, before he thinks about it. His eyes widen as the response surprises even him, “Yes.”

Nina stands up and walks over to him, “You should take however time you need. We’ll still be here when you make up your mind.”

Brent nods, “Yeah.” He walks over and puts a supportive hand on Zach’s shoulder, “You can always count on us.”

Zach looks down, “Do you think I should start using my name?”

“If you want to, I think it’s safe. If not, we’re all used to calling you Guy.” Nina says.

Zach laughs, “I hate that name.”

Brent bursts out laughing, “Seriously?”

Zach snickers, “Yeah. But I was too afraid to go by anything else. And I didn’t want to lie, or go by Zach, so I just… kept doing it.”

Nina shakes her head, “Then definitely go by Zach.”

Zach looks at her, “I… I want to try that. Could you help me?”

Brent walks over to him, “You want us to spread the word?”

Zach looks at him, “Yeah.” He looks at her again, “Could you?”

Nina and Brent both smile at him. “Of course.” Nina says while Brent says, “Yeah.”

Some Time Later

“You want to make a guild with us?” Ben asks Jacklyn.

Jacklyn nods, “I do.”

Theo smiles at her, “Sounds good to me.”

Ben looks at them both incredulously, “But, we’re not combatants. What purpose would there be in us being in a guild?”

Jacklyn smiles, “There’s loads of perks to being in a guild, and I think you guys have been doing incredible. I want to show my support, and pledge to protect you.” She grins at them, “Not that I’d ever not do that anyway, but I dunno. It just feels right.”

Theo shakes his head, “Ben. What’s wrong? Does Jacklyn make you uncomfortable?”

Ben looks down, “I just feel like. You already do so much for us.”

Jacklyn waves him off, “How many times do we have to tell you: you guys are the ones really doing stuff for us.” She looks Ben in the eyes, “I sometimes wonder why you’re so down on yourself. You’re a smart, organized guy whose good at what he does.” She thinks for a moment, “You seem to like it too.”

Ben looks down, “It’s not that. I do like it. A lot.” He sighs, “I guess I’m used to being teased.”

Jacklyn sighs, “You must have been teased a lot to still worry about it after not being teased for months.” She raises an eyebrow at Theo, “Unless it’s this guy.”

Ben shakes his head, “I don’t care if Theo teases me. I just… I worry the other shoe will drop.”

“It won’t Ben. You don’t have to worry about your respect running out. If anything, you’re getting more and more respected as you do more and more for us.” She thinks for a moment, “Actually. There is something I’m curious about. Do either of you have any plans now?”

Theo shrugs, “Nothing different. I like what I do, and as long as people still keep doing content, they’ll still need us.”

Ben nods, “Yeah. We’re both in agreement.”

Jacklyn puts her hand out, “So, why can’t I be a part of that?”

Ben looks up at her, “I…” He smiles a bit, “There isn’t a reason.” Rather than taking her hand, he hugs her, “Thank you.”

She hugs him back, “Anytime.”

Meanwhile

Brent is staring off into space.

“What’s wrong?” Nina asks him.

He sighs, “I’m thinking about the memorial.” He looks at her, “I never added my brother’s name to it.”

Nina isn’t sure what to say, “Oh.”

Brent sighs, “I… want to. But...”

“But what? He was a PKer? Remember what Luke said?” Nina says.

“But it’s different isn’t it? Saying it and being okay with it are two different things!” He stops himself, “I’m sorry.”

Nina shakes her head, “You don’t have to apologize. But I think if you need your brother’s name to be on there, then put it there.”

Brent looks down, “I don’t want to disrespect the other names there.”

“That’s silly. Why would your brother’s name being on there disrespect someone?” She asks.

Brent sighs, “What if he killed one of the other people whose name is on there?”

“There are lots of names that have been added since the original seventeen. How do you know there aren’t already PKers on the list?” She suggests.

“I guess I don’t.” He brings up the forum post, “When I think about it, I don’t know anything about most people on this list. Except Shirley and my brother, no one I really knew has died.”

Nina puts a hand on his shoulder, “If you’re that worried about it, no one has to know, but I think that’s not really important.” She looks at the list, “This list of names, it’s not really for the dead. They’re gone. The list of names is for us, so we won’t forget, not just who was here, but also what happened to us.”

Brent sighs, “I hate it. I hate it so much. When I think back on it, my brother was an asshole. He was abusive. If he wasn’t my brother, I’d hate him. Maybe some part of me does hate him, but it’s so stupid! If I hate him, it’s not because he was abusive to me. It’s because his abusiveness got him killed so I’ll never see him again! How fucked up is that?”

Nina shakes her head, “You loved him, unconditionally. He didn’t have to deserve it.”

Brent looks down, “Maybe I wish he did deserve it. Or maybe I wish I’d been able to change him.”

Nina tilts her head to the side, “Change him?”

Brent nods, “I keep wondering if I stood up to him. If maybe I wasn’t a coward, things might have been different.”

Nina shakes her head, “How much older than you was he?”

He looks at her, “Four years.”

She shrugs, “What could you have done? You were a child and he was a teenager.”

He nods, “I know. I know all of that. There was nothing I could have done. But all that does is make me feel helpless!”

Nina nods, “You might have been then, but you aren’t now.” She thins her eyes, “If people get mad at you for loving your brother, fuck em!”

Brent thins his eyes, “Sometimes I think I understand how he felt. I feel so angry.” He sighs, “But I don’t want to be that guy. I can’t just say fuck em.”

She puts a hand on his cheek, “So don’t. But don’t let them define how you mourn either. Don’t let them tell you that your bother isn’t worth remembering.”

He hugs her, “You’re right. I shouldn’t let this get to me.” He shakes his head, “I should ask Brandon what he thinks. He’s the one in charge of this after all.”

She chuckles, “Still need some approval?”

He shakes his head, “I already know what Brandon is going to say.”

She nods, “Yeah. Put up the name.”

“I want to talk to him in person about it though.” He says as he sends Brandon a message.

“That won’t change what he’s going to say.” She teases. Brent nods solemnly in response.

A few minutes later Brandon walks over to where they are sitting, “What’s up?”

“I was wondering if I should add my brother to the memorial?” Brent asks.

Brandon raises an eyebrow, “Why wouldn’t you?”

Brent looks down, “Because he was a PKer...”

Brandon shakes his head, “I think that only makes it more important.”

Nina tilts her head to the side, “That’s not what I expected you to say.”

“Me neither.” Brent responds.

Brandon nods, “I understand why, but I think what Luke says is correct. And there’s another reason too. We shouldn’t get complacent. We should remember PKers for no other reason than to remember why we don’t PK.” He smiles at them, “It’s also a way to respect the people who were killed by PKers who no one remembers.”

Brent smiles, “Thanks.” He turns to Nina, “To both of you.”

Nina shakes her head, her tone laced with sarcasm, “I should be offended my opinion wasn’t good enough.”

Brent snickers at her, “Your opinion was good enough. I’m the one who needed to be convinced.”

Nina thins her eyes at him. “You aren’t faking your social awkwardness at all.” It’s not a question.

Brent shakes his head, wearing a sheepish smile, “Nope. Not at all.”

Brandon laughs, “You guys are going to be one of the best power couples on the server.”

Nina’s eyes widen, “You think?”

Brandon nods, “It’s obvious how much you care about each other. Maybe it won’t happen immediately. You both seem to have stuff you need to work through before you are ready for that, but I see it.”

“She’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever known.” Brent says.

Brandon smiles, “She is beautiful.”

Nina shakes her head, “You don’t have to placate me.”

Brandon thinks for a moment, “I’m not placating you. Living with Asa. Watching him with Wake. It’s given me an appreciation for difference. And the truth is, even if you were a boy, you’d still be beautiful.”

Nina looks down, “So you think I’m different?”

Brandon smiles at her, “In a good way.”

Nina shakes her head, “What if I just want to be normal?”

Brandon sighs, “I don’t know what to say to that. Maybe at one time I wanted to be normal, but since I’ve been here I’ve more and more decided that normal is boring.”

Nina smiles at that, “Normal is boring?”

Brandon nods, “Yep. Normal is boring.” He smiles at her, “So, is there anything else?”

Nina shakes her head, “Nope.” Brandon waves to her and walks away.

Nina thinks for a moment, “Normal is boring. Huh.”

Brent grins at her, “You’re so far above anything the word normal could ever describe.” He hugs her, “So much more.”

She smiles at him, “So I should set my sights higher than normal?”

Brent lifts her off the ground, “Aim as high as you want!”

She nods, “Yeah. Let’s aim high! I’m not gonna go up there alone.”

Brent grins, “So, I think I’m gonna tell everyone else how I feel. About you, and about my brother. Are you okay with that?”

Nina nods, “I want you to. You have my support.”

Brent puts her down and turns towards the lodge, “Shirley would be happy about this, wouldn’t she?”

Nina smiles wistfully, “Yeah. She would.”

That Evening

Collin stares out the window, “Lloyd, what would you say to… no. I shouldn’t.”

Lloyd walks over and stands next to him, “I’m straight dude. You know that.” Lloyd throws an arm around Collin, “You were the one who convinced me I was remember?”

Collin sighs, “I do remember.” He leans into Lloyd, “I’m sorry. I’m just. Now that I’m not trying to direct everything, I don’t know what to do.” Collin thinks for a moment, “I feel like no one my age is available. None of the girls or the gay guys.”

“You’ll find someone.” Tracy says, “And I feel a tad insulted! I’m not a girl now?”

Collin can’t help but snicker, “I dunno. Why, are you interested?”

Tracy sticks out her tongue, “You’ll never get your nasty ass thing into any part of me!”

Lloyd rolls his eyes, “You know, that might be why he didn’t consider you.”

Tracy snickers, “Your thing is nasty too. Both of you are like, brothers. That’s gross.”

Collin shakes his head, an amused smile on his face, “I’m so glad you haven’t lost yourself.”

Tracy nods, “I almost did. I didn’t say anything, because losing Gabriel hurt so much, so I kept it inside. Didn’t show any of you. But I think I’m okay now.” She puts her arms around Collin and Lloyd, “Or maybe I’m in denial. But I know you guys’ll be there if I need it.”

Lloyd smiles at her and nods.

“Always.” Collin says.

He looks down, “So, I do want to find someone, but I also just want to play the game. Maybe let it be a game for once. Let my life be a game for however time I have left.”

Lloyd grins at him, “That’s what I’ve been telling you.”

Tracy saunters over to them, “Really Collin, you should go out there. Find someone who doesn’t find your thing nasty and do what you want with them.”

Collin nods, “I guess I should. You know, Nina told me she likes me today. She’s way too young for me, but it’s what got me thinking about this.”

Tracy smiles at him, “She’s got good taste.”

Lloyd shakes his head, “So his thing is nasty but people who like him have good taste?”

Tracy nods, “Yep!” Lloyd rolls his eyes in response.

Collin laughs, “How can I be so lonely for romance when I don’t even have a sex drive right now?”

“Romance and sex aren’t the same thing.” Tracy says with a shrug.

Lloyd nods, “You know that. If it was, we’d be married now.”

Tracy points into her mouth and sticks out her tongue and yells “TMI! TMI!” causing both of them to laugh. Then she settles down, “You’ve been so focused on the game and making sure everyone is alright that you’ve been unapproachable.”

Lloyd nods, “Intimidating.”

“Oh. So, just chill and be myself?” Collin responds.

“Yep! You’ll find a place for that nasty thing yet!” Tracy says. Lloyd and Collin just laugh in response.

Meanwhile

Kwame swings around his knives, “So if I swing like this, I can avoid the attack assister and parry more effectively?”

Luke nods, “If you get good enough at it.”

Kwame stands up and sheathes them, “I have to if we’re gonna go out there alone.”

Luke shakes his head, “You can just be DPS. I can tank.”

Kwame raises an eyebrow, “Didn’t you want to avoid that?”

Luke shakes his head, “This is different. This is just combat stuff. I’m not protecting you cause you need it. It’d be cause that’s the plan.”

“I still wanna be able to protect myself. Fuck, not being able to do that is what got my cousin killed!” Kwame yells.

Luke looks down, “We don’t actually know how he died.” By the time he wonders why he feels the need to clarify that, it’s already been said.

Kwame doesn’t take offense, “That doesn’t make it better. We shouldn’t have let him die at all.”

Luke nods, “I agree. And we won’t let anyone else die.” He looks over the edge of the cliff they are standing on towards the new ring, “That’s why we’re doing this. We’re gonna find out what’s there so that we can tell everyone.”

Kwame nods, “And so we can fucking kick its ass.”

Luke smiles at him, “Yeah. So we can kick its ass.”

Kwame grins back, “So what are we waiting for?”

Luke turns towards the horizon, “You wanna be the first to go to the new ring?”

Kwame’s grin widens, “Fuck yeah!”

Luke grins at Kwame as they turn towards the nearest teleporter and the unexplored places beyond.

Meanwhile

Asa is about to press his button when he realizes he’s using the menu on the wrong side. He quickly tries to adjust the other menu but it’s too late. The elite goblin he’s fighting slams into him with a charge and he falls over. A moment later Ardine’s ax chops it in half.

“It’s hard to believe you were once the mighty BunnyAce.” Brandon teases.

Asa bursts out laughing. “I haven’t felt like this in forever!”

“Like what?” Ardine asks, her tone a mixture of curiosity and amusement.

Asa lays on the ground staring at the sky, “Like I was trying. Oh sure, I failed sometimes, but that always felt like it was my mistake. Now it feels like effort. I was so good at what I did that I’d forgotten what trying felt like.”

Ardine laughs, “You know, I understand what you mean.”

Asa looks up at her, “You gonna change your build around?”

Ardine smiles, “I haven’t thought about it. Perhaps I will, but if I do, it will be because I want to, not because everyone else is doing so.”

Asa nods, “Yeah.” He shuts his eyes and takes a deep breath, “It doesn’t feel fake anymore.”

Ardine nods, “Your build? Or the world?”

“Both... Neither.” He laughs, “Me? I don’t feel fake.”

“What do you mean?” Wake asks.

Asa sits up, “I mean, I may have started going by my original name, but I don’t think I stopped being BunnyAce. I was still playing a role.”

Ardine tilts her head to the side, “Oh? Speaking as someone who knew BunnyAce? I’m not so sure of that. But I suppose it’s good that you no longer feel like it.”

“What do you mean?” Asa asks.

“From what I recall. BunnyAce was a happy, carefree individual. He mastered the game, and he took his duty seriously, but he never stopped forgetting it was a game. If anything, you seem more like him now.” Ardine points out.

Asa laughs, “So what? I’ve stopped being Asa and started being BunnyAce?”

Brandon shakes his head, “But you aren’t that guy though Asa. Sure, you’re more like him than you were, but I don’t think she means you’ve regressed or anything.”

Ardine nods, “I think BunnyAce was always you. It’s not that you’ve stopped being BunnyAce. It’s that you, yourself, have changed.”

Wake nods, “I think she’s right.” He smiles, “I don’t know what you were like before. The truth is, all the top players intimidated me, so I tried to avoid you.” He laughs a little sheepishly, “I’m sorry.”

Asa snickers, “Don’t be.”

Ardine laughs, “It is quite difficult for my worst enemies to offend me. For you, it might be impossible.”

Wake laughs, “Okay. But back to what I was saying.” He turns to Asa, “You’ve definitely changed. You’ve become less meticulous, your perspective broader. Your feelings and thoughts aren’t separate anymore.”

Brandon nods, “Yeah. I see it too.”

Asa nods, “Perhaps.” He laughs, “I guess I never thought about it before.”

Ardine chuckles, “Funny the things that don’t occur to us.”

Brandon turns to Ardine, “And what about you? You don’t think you’ve changed?”

“Of course I’ve changed.” Ardine says, “But one thing about adults is that, we are very habitual creatures. Even great changes may not be apparent to our countenances. But do not let that fool you. For example, when I first came here, I saw myself as a mentor. Not just to you, but to everyone I felt I could guide. I’ve since realized that was shortsighted of me.” She smiles, “That might seem like a small revelation to you, but for me it was a revelation that completely changed my perspective. Where once I saw children I could teach and learn from, I now see people. And that shift in perspective, was twofold. Not only are you no longer students, I’m no longer a teacher. In here, I can be a whole person.”

Her smile extends into a grin, “Bonehead Throkdar can be an intelligent reasonable berserking maniac who mercilessly crushes her enemies!” The three guys with her laugh.

Brandon nods, “I think I get it. You don’t even need to tell me I’ve changed. I’m not sure I can even comprehend who I was before. I don’t really remember what I felt like.”

Wake smirks, “That’s normal.”

Asa nods, “Yeah. Looking back at who you were, sometimes you just wonder how you could have ever been that person.”

Ardine nods, “Absolutely.”

She turns to Wake, “But I think Wake is the one of us whose changed the most. You used to be an introvert who was afraid of scaring anyone and everyone. Now, you don’t hesitate to be there for people, even people you don’t know. You don’t worry about how you come off. You just do your thing and make people comfortable regardless.”

Wake’s smirk becomes sheepish, “I suppose you’re right.”

Asa stands up, “So, the post combat lull is so over. I guess that means nothing’s gonna spawn here.”

Ardine nods, “Do we want to cast sanctuary, or do we keep going?”

Brandon grins, “Are you kidding me? We have to get our boy up to snuff!”

Wake shakes his head, amused, “He’ll do it. He’ll be the best again.”

Ardine stands up, “I’m game!”

Asa looks up at them, “With you guys in front of me, there’s no way I won’t master this!”

Brandon puts his arms around his guild, “Let’s do this!”

For the first time in a long time Asa isn’t looking to the future. He’s watching his friends, his family, and that’s enough for him. He remembers how he felt. The feeling of the grass on his palm. The scent of the field in the air. It’s the one memory from that six hours that hasn’t become a blur. Maybe that’s because that’s what he feels like now. He finally feels like he can just be. That perhaps, this place, is real.