Looking back... Far Back - 2. Dani'el

How could I understand when you spoke to me of love?

A child, I had sat gazing into the pool and waiting for my friend.

Too large now to sit on your shoulders, raised above the corn,

Burying my face in your sweet hair, the colour of honey scented with fresh air and the sweetness of angels.

How could I understand when you spoke to me of love?

A child I had thought myself too old for your stories.

Too impatient to grow up and experience for myself the touch of a man

Lost in the image in the pool, my own heart was lost, waiting beneath the tree for the man with the sweetness of angels

How could I understand when you spoke to me of love?

A child, I had never experienced the depth of which you spoke

Too inexperienced to recognise the tone when you spoke his name

Too lost in my own dreams to realise the depths of yours when you spoke of the man you loved with the sweetness of an angel

How could I understand when you spoke to me of love?

A child, I have never felt the touch of a man’s hand on my body

Too innocent to picture the pleasure and the pain

To know the depth to which your heart endured the rejection of the one to whom you turned with all the sweetness of an angel

How could I understand when you spoke to me of love?

A child I gazed into you deep eyes and saw his reflection there

Too hurt that my true friend loved someone else

To spiteful to understand the selfishness with which I shut you out when your heart bled for the love of your sweet angel

How could I understand when you spoke to me of love?

A child, I feared his darkness and his dour expression

Too blind to see the heart that beat beyond

To listen to your heart when it spoke to me of the fear you felt that you would lose the love of your sweet angel

How could I understand when you spoke to me of love?

A child, I had been cosseted and protected

Too ignorant to know the pain of loss

To soothe your confusion and your sadness for the darkness that shut you off from the love of your sweet angel.

How could I understand when you spoke to me of love?

A child, I had never known the heights to which you had risen,

Too naïve to have traversed the depths

To which you had been plunged, the dark path that you had walked in the shadow of your sweet angel

How could I understand you when you spoke to me of love?

A child, to me all was simple black and white.

Too light to realise that not all that was good was bright

To hide from darkness was my childish wish, to run from all that was not bright and good and I feared the sweetness of angels.

And then I fell.

And then I learned

And then I understood

Now I understand what you told me of your love

Now I understand the pain of loss and suffering alone

Now I understand how dark love can be, how lonely it can leave you

Now I understand why you wept when you spoke his name even as you laughed out loud in the saying of it

Now I understand why your eyes went dark when you thought of him even as your soul grew light in the knowing of him

Now I understand why your lips fell silent when you thought of him even thought your heart was bursting by all that you wanted to say

Now I understand why your spirit soared at the mention of him even though the touch of his hand led you into darkness

Now I understand why you were full of him when all I wanted was for you to be there for me, just for me

When all you wanted was to be there for him and he for you.

You were the brightest star I ever knew

You were the sweetest soul I ever touched

You were the kindest heart I ever broke

You were the best friend I ever had.

And you were always his and he was always yours… if only we had known… if only I had understood.