Metanoia - 1. Detachable Penis

He plays for me, humming along with the melody. Waves break lazily against the side of the yacht as it moves along down the bay at a leisurely pace. I lean back in my seat and just watch him, listen to the sound of his voice. Always liked that voice. Always listened when it came up on the radio.

Kerry keeps playing while we talk, that same melody looping around, while he talks about life’s loops and how one cycle finishes so another can begin or some crap his guru (seriously? Guru?) has told him. Still, I listen. He says he needs me here with him, and something stirs inside me. And just when I think I’ve figured him out, he gets up and smashes this almost one-of-a-kind guitar against the deck. Leads me inside the cabin and starts smashing up the place like it’s the most natural thing in the world. It’s not his boat.

It’s Kovachek’s, his lying, manipulative manager, and I figure, okay. I’ll help him. Johnny’s ecstatic at this turn of events and watches eagerly while I help Kerry utterly destroy the place.

‘Come help me with this!’ Kerry says, trying to break off some kind of lever on the wall. I grab it and we both pull.

We fall into each other as the lever breaks, and I can’t help but kiss him. Again. The one at Dark Matter was pure instinct. This is . . . something more. It’s weird, how drawn I am to him. Kerry’s old enough to be my grandpa. Not that he looks it, or acts like it. Cybernetics will do that; age really is just a number these days.

I can feel his tongue in my mouth, his breath on my skin. I pull him against me, hold him, run my fingers up his back and neck and into his white hair.

Kerry pulls back a little, biting his lip and smiling. He turns, puts on the radio, starts dancing, and that should feel cringey, but it doesn’t. Not even a little. Kerry’s hot. His narrow waist and lean, smooth body. His eyes, the crow’s feet that form around them when he smiles. Soft, brown skin, and I need to touch, so I do, pull him into me again, kiss his lips, his bearded jaw, his neck. He pulls my pierced earlobe into his mouth in turn and I grunt. ‘Shit, Ker . . .’ My voice comes out breathless.

I can hear his smile. ‘You into that?’

Swallowing, I nod. ‘Yeah.’ He does it again, sucking and biting, and I moan. But then he reaches down between us, hand snaking down my belly toward my crotch, and I suddenly freeze, because there are some things you should really talk about before you fuck.

He seems to notice my hesitation, clearly the observant and attentive type (and fuck, if that’s not a turn-on), and steps back, letting go of me. ‘You okay?’ He cocks his head to one side. ‘We don’t have to if you don’t want.’

I laugh, a soft chuckle, because fuck yeah, I want. ‘That’s not it. I’m . . . seriously into this.’ I blow out a breath of air between puffed up cheeks, wondering how to phrase this. It’s been a while since I’ve had this conversation; since I’ve had a partner with whom it needed to be had. ‘I just . . .’ And it tumbles out in the least graceful of ways. ‘I left my dick at home.’

He blinks. ‘Huh?’

Looking away from his bewildered face, I scratch the back of my head and make a face. ‘Man, this is always weird to bring up, but I shoulda done it earlier, prolly.’

‘You’re trans,’ he says before I have to. I nod. ‘Okay, that’s cool.’

I look up, meet his eye, and find him smiling. ‘Yeah?’

Kerry chuckles. ‘V, I’m eighty-nine years old. You think I’ve never fucked a trans guy before?’

Feeling a little embarrassed, I grin. ‘Not everyone’s cool with a detachable, cybernetic penis. Especially not when I leave it at home like a gonk even though . . .’ I trail off and bite my lip.

Kerry folds his arms across his chest and raises an eyebrow. ‘Even though?’ he prompts.

I sigh. May as well finish making an ass of myself. I feel a little bit too much like a star-struck kid when I say, ‘Even though I really wanted this to happen. I just . . . didn’t let myself believe it’d happen tonight.’

Kerry’s smile softens. ‘You wanted this, huh?’ I nod, and he steps closer. ‘You wanted me?’

I nod again. My throat feels thick, somehow, and I swallow, my heart pounding in my chest. ‘Yeah.’

He steps closer again, brings his hand to my cheek, stroking my stubbled jaw with his thumb. ‘You still want me?’

I laugh softly. ‘Fuck yeah.’

‘Then I’m cool with it if you are. You’re all man, far as I’m concerned. Long as you’re comfortable, V.’

‘Oh, I’m comfortable,’ I say, and then he’s kissing me again, manoeuvring me toward the couch, broken glass crunching beneath the soles of our boots.

When we get there, I reverse our positions, pushing him down on his back. I reach for his pants, undoing the button and zipper and pulling them down, and I really shouldn’t be surprised to find he’s going commando, but I’m still almost startled when his cock springs free, bobbing against his stomach. Uncut, thick, and veiny. His slim frame makes it look huge. I wrap my fingers around the shaft, stroking slowly, and Kerry’s head falls back as he groans softly. The skin of his cock is silky smooth, the head shiny with pre-cum and pink in contrast to the brown shaft. I run my thumb over the slit and he pulls a sharp breath, almost like a hiss.

‘Look at me, Ker,’ I say, and he does, just as I lower my head and lick the tip of his cock, tasting him. Salty-sweet and a little bitter, but in the best of ways.

‘Fuck, V, that’s hot,’ he murmurs, and I smile. I kiss my way down his shaft, burying my nose in his pubes and breathing in the musky scent of him, before turning my attention to his balls, pulling one into my mouth while I continue to stroke his cock. He makes a slightly choked noise, which tickles me endlessly. I’d love to keep teasing, but I can tell he’s growing impatient. And, frankly, so am I, so I raise my head again and look into his eyes as I take his cock into my mouth, as deep as I can manage. ‘Aaah, fuck!’ he groans.

I love the sounds he makes, the way his hand twists itself into my green and blue dreadlocks, pulling. I like giving head, always have. I like everything that makes my partner feel good. I love taking people apart like that, watching them lose control and shatter for just a moment. Guess I’m just a giver. But then he pushes me off him. He’s biting his lip, his pupils blown wide. ‘C’mere, kid,’ he says hoarsely. I climb up on the couch and he pulls me into a kiss. ‘Need to fuck you.’ His voice is all gravel and I shiver.

‘How d’you want me?’ I ask, my voice almost breaking, because that’s a kink for me. I get off on need. When he told me earlier, when we were up there and he was playing that beautiful guitar that’s now smashed all over the deck, that he needed me, it made my heart pound almost as hard as it does now.

‘Well, first of all, I want you naked.’ He grins. I stand up and get undressed, watching as he peels those tight pants all the way off. He gets up, pulls me close, pressing his open mouth against mine. ‘Sit down,’ he whispers, planting another hard kiss on my lips before pushing me away. I do as he says, leaning back against the backrest. He leans over me, bites my shoulder as he slides a finger inside me. He doesn’t need to. I’m ready, sopping wet and aching for his cock, and I tell him as much. He chuckles. ‘Impatient, hm?’

‘You have any idea how long I’ve wanted you?’ I gasp, beyond feeling embarrassed now, as he adds another finger, sliding them in and out. ‘Fuck, Ker . . . just fuck me already!’

‘All right, all right! Chill.’ He smiles. ‘Not goin’ anywhere.’ But he pulls his fingers out, strokes his cock a couple of times. He positions himself and enters me in one long thrust, and fuck me, I whine like a little bitch. ‘You okay?’ he asks.

I nod. I’m struggling to form words. It’s been a long time since I’ve been fucked this way. I never imagined the person to do it would be Kerry Eurodyne.

Kerry leans down, kisses my lips with surprising tenderness. ‘Gonna need some verbal confirmation, here, kid,’ he whispers.

Laughing, I manage to say, ‘I’m good, Ker.’ And clearly that was all he wanted to hear, because he pulls out and slams back inside me, and I throw my head back with a moan, seeing stars. ‘So good!’ I groan.

‘Good.’ He kisses me again, his tongue sliding against my own, and he starts to move, slamming into me over and over. Like he knows this is exactly how I want it. Maybe he just reads people like that. Now he sucks on my earlobe again, panting with every thrust, and I hold onto his shoulders, digging black-painted nails into his skin. He growls, biting down on my neck, upping the intensity.

‘Ah, I’m gonna come!’ I moan, and my body goes taut as he fucks into me. Then he slows down, kisses my cheek.

‘Hot,’ he whispers against my skin. ‘Wanna get on top?’

I utter a breathless laugh. ‘Okay. Just . . . gimme a minute to breathe.’

He laughs, pulls back a little and looks into my eyes, then kisses my lips softly. It feels oddly contradictory, the way Kerry fucks hard but kisses so gently. I wonder how he likes taking it (because I’m pretty sure he does like it) and if I’ll ever get the chance to find out.

He sits down on the couch and I climb on top of him, sinking down on his length. He puts his arms around me, and as I start to move, he thrusts upward to meet me halfway. He grabs my ass with one hand, squeezing, and the other goes into my hair again, pulling at it like he did when I was sucking his cock. ‘Fuck!’ I groan, closing my eyes.

‘Good?’ he asks breathlessly.

I nod. ‘Good . . . You?’

He laughs again. ‘Real good. Gettin’ close, V.’

I reach down between us and start stroking my biodick, wanting to be where he is, feel what he feels. I want to come with him. Need it.

He lets go for a second, leans back and just watches me with something akin to wonder in his far too blue eyes. ‘Beautiful,’ he murmurs. Then he gets a wicked glint in his eyes. He pauses the movement of his hips for a moment, effectively halting my own. I keep stroking myself, watching as he leans over to a table and picks something up. I glance at what’s in his hand. A lighter.

‘Wanna feel really alive?’ he asks.

I’m not sure what I think he’s gonna do when I nod my head in confirmation, but setting fire to the fucking cabin is not it. But that’s what he does, lighting the thing and tossing it onto the debris beside us.

I laugh in sheer surprise. ‘What the fuck, Ker? Are you crazy?’

‘Maybe,’ he says. He puts his arms around me again, pulls me close and whispers in my ear. ‘I need to come inside you while the world burns down around us.’

There it is again. Need. I can’t help the moan that escapes me. This is crazy. This is dangerous. But then again, I put my life on the line every single day, and I may only have days left to live at this point anyway, and so my brain tells me, to hell with it. Be crazy. Or maybe that’s just Johnny’s influence. I start to move again, capturing his lips. He swats my hand away from my biodick, strokes it himself, and he’s good at it. He did say he’s been with trans guys before. I close my eyes, groan loudly. ‘Close!’ I manage.

‘Good,’ comes the reply. He bites into my neck, growls against my skin, and just as I reach my peak and cry out, his hips come to a stuttering halt as he grunts. I can feel him pulsing inside me. I keep moving, milking it out of him, and then he lets go of my neck, kisses me again, open-mouthed and sloppy.

‘C’mon, let’s delta before this thing blows,’ he murmurs.

We get up and he grabs my hand. I just about manage to pick up most of my clothes on the way; my left boot is missing but I don’t give a shit. I’ve got other boots. We leave the smoky cabin, run up on deck, and I watch as Kerry cannonballs into the water. Laughing, I follow and we both swim to shore.

We lie on the beach and watch the yacht blow. The evening is warm, the wind soft against my bare skin. Our clothes are fucking soaked. When he offers to give me a ride home, I start pulling on my jeans and tank top anyway. Of course, he has a couple changes of clothes in his car. ‘Pants won’t fit you, you’re way too buff, but this shirt might.’ He tosses me a Second Conflict tour t-shirt, and I smile. Of course Kerry Eurodyne wears his own merch. Much like Johnny.

Who incidentally stands a ways off, smoking and looking unimpressed. He doesn’t speak, though, no doubt saving his scathing remarks on my getting royally fucked by his best friend with him as a reluctant tagalong for later.

‘Where can I drop ya?’ Kerry asks as we get into his car.

‘Watson. Megabuilding H10. Thanks.’

‘No problem.’ He glances at me out of the corner of his eye with this soft smile. ‘You’re tall,’ he says after a while. The comment puzzles me for a moment before I realise what he’s saying.

‘I skipped female puberty,’ I tell him. ‘I always knew this was who I was. Got blockers. Started T at fourteen. No surgeries, this is all me. Well, none of those surgeries, anyways.’

He nods slowly, eyes on the road. ‘You don’t mind talkin’ about it.’ It’s a statement, not a question.

‘Nah, not really. It . . . can be awkward when you like someone, just the immediate revelation. Y’know, the worry that they won’t be into you. Folks got hangups.’

‘Well, I don’t mind pussy,’ says Kerry with a shrug. ‘Cock ain’t the reason I like men.’ Then he smiles wryly. ‘Well, not the primary reason, anyway.’

‘I mean, you can have cock. Y’know, uh . . . next time.’

He laughs. ‘Outta curiosity, any particular reason you don’t just get an implant?’

I shrug. ‘Lotsa reasons. I don’t have bottom dysphoria. I enjoy vaginal sex. I don’t wanna, y’know, mess with my reproductive system too much . . . not that I necessarily want kids, but I like having the choice. Choice is important to me. Anyway, the packer’s great. Hooks into my cyberware so it feels like the real thing for me. ’Cept where you have to stop after you come, I can just keep goin’ and goin’ . . . and goin’.’ I grin as Kerry swallows, reaching down to adjust himself. I like that I can make him flustered.

‘Good to know,’ he says, his voice almost completely normal. Almost.

‘I don’t wear it every day ’cause even though it’s fully functional, it gets in the way sometimes. It’s more for play than anythin’ else. And, uh . . . it’s not like my sex life has been . . . active lately.’ Dying’ll do that to you.

‘Well, we can fix that,’ Kerry says softly.

I consider asking him to take me home with him instead of dropping me off. But I’m tired and I can tell he is too. I need a shower and a change of clothes, and a good night’s sleep. And there’s Nibbles to take care of too. Still, when he pulls up in front of my building, I say, ‘Wanna come up?’

Kerry shakes his head. ‘Nah, not tonight. Kinda beat. Besides . . . I think I have a song to write.’ He smiles at me, the same gentle smile as before.

‘Okay. Guess I’ll see ya.’ I still kiss him before I get out of the car.

When I get in, I leave my clothes on the bathroom floor while I shower and get ready for bed. Johnny’s quiet. I see him out of the corner of my eye, smoking on the couch or hanging out with the cat. Not sure how that works, exactly, but it’s like Nibbles can see him, or at least knows he’s there. Cats are funny like that.

Before I get into bed, I pull out the box I keep the packer in. I take a picture and send it to Kerry with the caption dick pic.

Johnny snorts. Finally, he speaks. ‘That’s actually pretty funny.’

I raise an eyebrow at him. ‘That’s it? Not gonna mock me?’

He shrugs. Shakes his head. Taking a drag off his virtual cigarette, he looks out the window. ‘Nah. You deserve to be happy. Kerry too.’ If only for a little while. He doesn’t say it, but it hangs there in the air between us, no less true for going unsaid.

I receive a message. It’s a reply from Kerry. A laughing smiley, followed by a pic of his own. An actual dick pic. I blush, remembering how he tasted, how he felt inside me.

‘I could do without seein’ Kerry’s cock ever again, though,’ says Johnny nonchalantly. I roll my eyes. Another message follows.

Kerry: Something to think about till next time

I write back.

V: When’s next time?

He answers almost immediately.

Kerry: Tomorrow night?

V: Your place?

Kerry: Yes. Any time after 5

I fail to hold back a smile I’m sure borders on goofy, and Johnny makes a derisive noise. There it is. Good old Silverhand. ‘You’re like teenagers,’ he says. But then he grins. Actually grins at me and adds, ‘Not gonna lie, though. Was kinda hot.’

I scoff. ‘Pervert!’ But for some reason, it matters. It matters that Johnny approves, in his own crazy way. And as I get into bed, I smile.