My One True Weakness - 9. Chapter 9

There's no feeling like waking up to heartbreak.

That next morning, I just...I felt it in the center of my chest, you know? And I felt bad about it, because it's not like Colin owes me anything. I have no right to ask him to love me or demand that he tells me so, even if he does. I haven't done anything to deserve his affections, nor have I made any moves to cause him to return any of the infatuation that I've been willing to shower upon him, were he to give me the chance to show him how I feel. It feels unfair...but is it, really?

Maybe I've been spoiled over the years. I was so used to being the prize that everybody else was climbing all over one another to get a hold of that I never really had any practice with pursuing a treasured prize of my very own. I've been privileged. Maybe even selfish. And I don't know how righteous I can possibly be in this situation when I only expect Colin to love and care for me for no other reason than I want him to. I mean...I just WANT it! That doesn't mean that he has any obligation to give it to me. This isn't a 'You're hot, and I'm hot' type of situation like what I have with Joey. Colin really means something to me. I just wish that I had the kind of skill and finesse that's needed to actually be able to tell him so.

It sounds lame, I know...but I never had to actually 'work' to get someone interested in me before. And that puts me at a severe disadvantage this time around.

I thought about what happened yesterday, and how I probably offended Colin in one way or another with my advances. I didn't want to come on too strong. He barely even knows me! I didn't want it to sound like I was screaming, "FUCK ME!" when we've barely had more than a few conversations. I'm not anywhere near being that brazen with my flirting. But....honestly, I wanted to hold him. I wanted to kiss him and touch him and make love all day long. I make no apologies for craving him in a sensual way. I just wanted to show some interest without making some sort of slutty creep out of myself.

I don't know what to do. I'm not used to this. I wish I had some decent relationship building practice before he came along. Because I really don't want to chase him away.

He's too precious to me to anxiously chase him away by being a total 'predator' in my interactions with him. I should probably just back off a little bit. I'm coming on too strong, aren't I?

I got out of bed, moping around the house all morning and feeling sorry for myself. I thought that finding somebody to love was supposed to make me feel GOOD. I thought it would fill me with light and with joy and just...make everything better. But all it seems to do is confuse me. Instead it makes me paranoid, and guilty, and it really hurts when it digs as deep into my heart as my feelings for Colin go. This was unexpected. It made me feel so ugly on the inside. And I couldn't get it to stop. The emotions just continued to eat away at me until I was almost too weak to remain standing.

I guess the saying is true when they say to be careful what you wish for.

I wished for true love...and it hurts. God...it really hurts.

The only question now is...will the hurt be worth it in the end? I guess that's the last bit of hope that I have to hold on to. Maybe I should have taken the easy way out with Joey. It was so much easier...

I spent the whole morning thinking about what I could have done differently. Said differently. Colin was so damn cute, I was surprised that I was able to concentrate at all. His pretty eyes and soft light brown hair...slim and just...sweet, you know? He didn't have to be a dolled up super model boy. His beauty was so natural. He was just born to be appealing, you know? Even if he didn't realize it. In fact, the fact that he seemed to be so oblivious to the fact that he was a stunning individual only made him more compelling to me. Like...how can he not know? That's so sexy to me. Just knowing that he was humble to the point of dismissing his God given beauty as something so inconsequential.

He truly was something to behold...inside and out.

I couldn't help but to feel like I was missing out. Being a part of his life, I mean. A significant part of his life. I should stop obsessing over him. It's not fair for me to do that. I can always go back to spending time with physically appealing boys and enjoying the love they're willing to give to me without me having to give much in return. But...this just felt like my one chance to give my love to somebody else for a change. To share something with someone that I really cared about.

I'm starting to understand that it's not all about what I receive from other people that's going to make me happy in the end. Not if I can't give something back, and really matter to them too. A mutual exchange of emotion that has some real merit and a sense of companionship involved. Without that...what am I even doing, other than having a few sexual encounters without meaning or purpose? I'm just a teenager. Do I even know what I'm doing? Does it even matter?

I can do without these thoughts. I'd rather be blissfully unaware of the fact that they even exist, to be honest.

I thought that I was going to be sad for the rest of the day, but I saw a text on my phone...and it was from Colin. I thought it might be from Joey at first, looking for another reason to get together and share another a pointless orgasm with one another...but when I saw that it was from Colin...my spirits were immediately raised to heights that brightened up my entire afternoon!

Colin just wrote to say, "I'm sorry about yesterday. I was being a dick. I didn't mean it, k?"

I immediately texted him back. "It's ok! You weren't being a dick! It's totally cool!"

There was a hesitation at first. I guess he didn't know that I'd be reading my texts at that particular moment. But then he texted back with, "It's not cool. I was talking to Missy...and she basically told me that I was being a big meanie when I didn't have to be. I guess I just...I worry about silly stuff sometimes. And that's not your fault. It's mine."

I didn't know what he meant by that, nor did I have any idea as to how to reply to him concerning that stuff. So I just said, "I really like you, Colin. I just want to hang out. Ok? We don't have to do anything major. I just like being around you. You're fun to talk to."

Colin sent back a sad face emoji as an answer, and I thought that I might have said something wrong again. Why is he sad? I was trying to give him a compliment! Why is this so confusing???

Then, after a minute or two, Colin texted, "Thanks, Russ. You're so cool...you know that?"

I asked, "Did I make you sad?" I had to know. I wanted to know what I was doing to hurt him so I could stop myself from doing it in the future.

And Colin just said, "No." Then he added. "I think I'm making myself sad. I do that sometimes."

Again, I was baffled as to how to really talk to him when he was like this. So, I just asked him, "Say...do you want to hang out today? Let's just go somewhere and talk for a while. What do you say?"

I was kind of figuring that we could patch things up between us if I could just...talk to him, face to face. See his facial expressions, his gestures, hear his tone of voice. Something a bit more personal than this weak texting stuff, you know? Because I feel so limited right now, and I can't really figure out what's going on in his mind without being able to look him in the eye and gauge his responses on a more human level.

Besides...I miss seeing his super cute face. Hehehe! So, I guess that's a part of it too.

There was another long hesitation. Long enough to make me think that he was about to reject the offer entirely. But then I got the little symbol that let me know that he was texting me back. I got a little bit scared. Hoping that he had something good to tell me. Please don't say no! Please oh PLEASE, don't say no!!!

"I suppose I can hang out for a little while..." He said.

YES!!!!

Omigod, I was so happy that I stood up and literally jumped up and down with the biggest smile on my face! A huge contrast from what I was feeling when I woke up this morning!

I didn't want to come off like some kind of excited stalker, so even though my hands were shaking and my heart was racing, I sent him a rather 'casual' text in return. "Ok. Cool. You want me to come over to your house?"

A brief pause, and then he texted back, "Sure. I mean...if you want to."

Omigod! "Yes! I'll be there in twenty minutes! Is that cool?"

Colin said, "You don't have to rush or anything..."

"It's fine. Twenty minutes! I'll be there!!!" I said, now letting my excitement show a bit more than I wanted it to. So I tried to tone it down a bit. "Not like it's any big deal or anything. I mean...if you want wait until later or something, that's alright with me."

Colin texted back, "No. It's ok if you want to come over now. I'm not doing anything, so...whatever."

Was he trying to be as nonchalant about this as I was being? I don't know. Didn't really care, to be honest. I was so excited to just go and see him again and talk to him again, that it didn't make any difference anyway. "Ok! I'm leaving now! Be there soon!"

"M'kay..." He said. Awww, he's so cute! Ok, I need to get myself together! I'm gonna wear my red sports jersey and my black soccer shorts. Where are my sneakers? The gleaming white ones. Yep! I'll take them. Some deodorant, and a little bit of body spray...white ankle socks...ok. How do I look? I stared at myself in the mirror, turning left and right, teasing my blond hair a bit to get it as close to perfect as I possibly could. Am I...like...cute enough? I hope so. Ugh! I can be so insecure sometimes!

I need to leave. The faster I leave the house, the sooner I can be with Colin again. Omigod...this rush! This is exactly what I've been looking for! This is what I've been missing! I am giddy with excitement right now! It's the most exhilarating feeling in the world, actually being in love with the idea of being with another boy this way. It's a sensation that no other boy has ever inspired in me. No matter how gorgeous they are on the outside...they don't have this kind of effect on my emotions and fulfill me on an inner level the way that Colin can! And I've never even shared a single kiss with him. How crazy is that?

I hurried over to his house as fast as I could, and when he opened the door for me...it was like I was melting into a puddle of infatuation right in front of him. He seemed a bit nervous, inviting me into his house, but he stepped back and opened the door for me just the same. I tried to look him in the eye, but he was too shy to really look back at me. In fact, he almost seemed to be shaking himself to pieces, and that gave me even more of a promise for something special happening between us than I had originally thought. I mean...he likes me right? I remember sitting there with him and Missy at the local high school hang out, and she was practically pushing him into my arms the whole times. It's not like I didn't know what was going on there. And she's been sort of nudging Colin in my direction ever since. Considering how close they are as friends, I'm thinking that's got to be 'out' to her and maybe he's even mentioned me once or twice when she was around. Which would be awesome! Because...I mean...if there's a chance that Colin wants to have anything to do with me...I'm all in. He can have me! I swear...he's the most breathtaking part of my life. And I as far as my emotions, my heart, my good looks, my friendship, my laughter...he can have it all. Every last piece of it. Just let me be a part of your life. Please? He may doubt it...but I need him a lot more than he needs me.

It just feels good to not be a piece of eye candy for a change.

"I don't have any snacks or anything." Colin said softly. "I have some root beer in the fridge if you want, though..."

"That's cool. I'll take one."

"Ummm...ok then." He said, and got me a can of root beer, trembling slightly as he mumbled, "My room is...back this way. So...yeah."

I let him lead he way, and I went in to sit at the foot of his bed. His room was really cool. A few movie posters, some bobblehead figures, and a couple of other trinkets that made me smile. I don't know...it was just cool to be able to get a glimpse into his private world like this. I liked that.

"So....where's the hidden stash of comic books that you're always talking about?" I giggled.

"Oh...in my closet. I mean, my parents know that they're in there, but I try to keep them out of sight when I can. Saves me from any unnecessary conflict when I don't need it in my life."

"I hear that." I smiled, ust staring into his green eyes and trying to control my cravings for him as best as I could.

"Do you...ummm...I mean, you can see some of them if you want to. My parents won't be home for a while, so..."

"Sure. What do you have in there?" I said, my labored breath helping me to restrict my urge to grab him with both hands and kiss him deeply on the lips. Ugh! Being this close to him is so much worse than thinking about him from a remote location.

I watched Colin walk over to the closet and pull a long box full of comics out, each one of them wrapped and preserved in plastic coverings. He definitely had an extensive collection of comic books, but I was mostly focused on the fact that Colin had a really nice butt the whole time. I mean, like...well shaped and sculpted to perfection. Not really big...in fact it was a skinny butt, but it was so perfectly sculpted that it left me breathless, regardless. He has really long legs too. I like his legs a lot. And his arms. And his back and shoulders. Just watching him dragging those boxes out of the closet was enough to turn me on to the point where I had to fight off a growing erection in my pants, hoping that I could get rid of it before he turned around and saw it sticking up in my pants.

Jesus...I can't believe that I'm here in a house all alone with Colin right now. Is this a dream? It certainly feels like one.

"You can look through them if you want to." He said. "I've got a little bit of everything. I mean, they're not in order or anything, but I can tell you which stories that are the best to follow. I really like 'West Coast Avengers', and 'Dark Knight Returns' is a standard. There's some Superman stuff in here too. Oh and Daredevil has this really awesome series called..."

"Colin?" I said, interrupting him, but feeling like I couldn't hold my feelings back for a second longer. It was just killing me.

"Yeah?" He asked, nervously.

"You....ummm...I mean...you know that I like you, right?" I couldn't believe that I had just said the words out loud, but...there it is. I just wanted him to know. I needed him to know.

Colin's gaze dropped down to the floor, and I saw his trembling get much much worse as he tried to avoid acknowledging my comment with any real embrace of what I was trying to tell him. "K. Cool." He said, and then turned his attention back to the comic books. "There's some cool stuff with the Teen Titans and Trigon...you might want to check that out. And there's Nova...he's pretty cool..."

"Colin? Did you hear what I just said."

"Huh?" He said, still avoiding my eyes. "Yeah. I mean...sure. I just...well...I like you too. You're cool."

"That's not what I mean." I said, and I reached out for his hand. "I like you, Colin. Like...really."

He pulled his hand away from me, now almost breathless with the adrenaline rush that was running through him at that moment. "I...I don't know if I can..."

"What? What is it?" I asked. But he looked as if he was hyperventilating.

"I can't do this." He said. And he suddenly stood up and headed for the door to his bedroom. "I'm sorry, Russ. I just...I don't know how to...I can't. I just can't." And he rushed out of the room, leaving me there al by myself.

What the...? What did I do? What did I say? Why was he shaking so violently at the mere mention of me actually having feelings for him? Did I mess this up? I wasn't trying to!

Do I...like...chase him? Or should I leave him alone? I'm in his house. I can't just sit here by myself. What do I do?