Bodark Creek - 52. Chapter 52

William died unexpectedly. We were at his house for no special reason. It was Memorial Day, but we didn’t have anything planned. It was going to be an easy day, and we probably wouldn’t do a lot. We’d eat, and read, and maybe catch up with a few of his friends. We’d only been in Montana for a week and were thinking about another trip to Europe in the fall. William wanted to test out his Spanish.

I got up before he did. It must have been around six, because I still got up early. I got out of bed carefully so I wouldn’t wake him, but I know he was breathing then. The bed was still warm, too. But a few hours later, just before nine, I went to wake him, and he was cold.

I knew exactly what had happened. It happened with Martin, too, but this time, I couldn’t believe it. Martin was nine years older. William had an easier life. But William had the Bronner heart, and you could never tell when that was going to go.

I called the police. They sent an ambulance, but I knew there was nothing to be done. I called William’s oldest daughter, and she called the others. Everyone was there in a couple of days, and Del and Susan flew in for the funeral. I spoke with the rest of my family on the phone.

“I’m so sorry,” Leona said. So did the others.

“What are you going to do?” Ruth asked.

I didn’t know. I was still completely surprised. William was in good health. There was no reason this should happen for years.

“I’ll come home, of course,” I told Ruth. But I didn’t know what I was going to do then. I’d lost the habit of working on the farm.

“Stay with me,” Ruth suggested. “At least, for a while.”

So that was taken care of, but there were other things to work out. William’s pension from the university would stop. It wouldn’t if we’d been married, but I never wanted to do that. I still didn’t feel comfortable.

William had laughed at that. “You’ll sleep with me and risk all that before God. But you don’t want to piss off the state.”

“That’s not what I’m worried about,” I told him. “It’s family.”

“They all know what’s going on. And they’re happy for us.”

“They know, but they don’t,” I said. “And there are things they’ll accept so long as we don’t put it right in front of them. I think our getting married would do that.”

So I didn’t get William’s pension, though I didn’t really need it. And it turned out he had a will, but it was made years ago, before his wife Jean died, and everything went to his children.

“If there’s anything you need...” they all told me.

“No.” I just wanted a few of William’s books, and a couple of things we bought together. And I wanted William alive, but that wasn’t going to happen.

“I don’t know why this is hurting me so much,” I told Ruth when I got home. “It’s not like I cry all the time. Actually, I hardly cry at all. But I feel so tired.”

“You had plans,” she said. “You had all these wonderful years ahead. There were so many things you wanted to do.”

“He wanted to do them. I was just going along.”

“But you went along happily. And he wanted to do these things for you.”

I had to admit that. And I couldn’t deny that I didn’t know what to do next.

“Do you want to see Spain?” Del asked.

“I don’t even know Spanish,” I told him, laughing. “And it would be so different alone.”

“What if Susan and I went with you? The kids could stay with Neal and Marie.”

“It wouldn’t be the same.”

“It still might be good.”

I thought about that. But what was good was getting home. Going back to what I was used to. I’d missed seeing everyone.

Del didn’t say he didn’t believe me when I told him. But he knew when to keep quiet.

After staying with Ruth for a month, I moved back to the farm. I slowly cleaned for a couple of weeks and started doing the chores. I hadn’t forgotten any of it, and that was fine. But it wasn’t important to me anymore. So in late August, when Charley and Faye invited me to visit, I went.

“You know how hot Tucson is,” Charley warned.

“It can’t be any worse than Texas.”

“We get up early. We do everything before ten. Then we don’t go out again till six.”

“That’s fine,” I said. “We can talk, and Faye and I can cook. We can even play some Rummy.”

“I haven’t played cards since the last time you were here.”

That was also the first time I’d been to Tucson, and it had been a good trip. Charley and William had gotten along as though they’d always stayed in touch. Charley had told Navy stories, and William had talked about university politics, and Faye and I had listened. Charley was sixty-six and a bit rounder than he’d been before. When he moved west, he’d joined the border patrol and had just retired.

“You can’t believe what I’m doing now,” he’d told us. “I’m an extra in the movies.”

There was an old film studio just outside the city, and they still made westerns there. They told Charley he had the perfect Old West look.

“That’s ‘cause I’m so beaten down,” Charley had joked.

After this trip to Tucson, I stopped in Amarillo. Neal’s first wife Valerie still lived there, along with her second husband and Danny, the grandson I almost never got to see. I didn’t tell Neal I was going because I didn’t want to cause trouble.

“He won’t mind,” Valerie insisted. “And you’re welcome to stay with us.”

I thanked her but said I’d stay at a Best Western. They always had nice rooms.

Danny was thirteen. I hadn’t seen him since the divorce, and he probably had no idea why an old woman was interested in him. He saw Neal at least once a year, so he knew he had family. And he said he recognized me from pictures.

He was a polite boy, a little noisier than Del and Susan’s son Daniel. Though this Dan was also three years older.

“Do you miss seeing your cousins?” I asked him.

“I see them all the time.”

“I mean the ones on your father’s side.” I forgot that his stepfather came from a large family.

“I don’t miss them,” he said. “I have lots of friends.”

“We had a family reunion, you know. You were invited.”

He said he knew. But he added that it would have meant going alone. “Or having Baden come out and drive me.”

He always called Neal by his last name. But he called his stepfather “Dad.”

“You can come and stay with me,” I offered. “I have a farm.”

Danny lived in a house in the suburbs. He lived with his mother, stepfather, and a half-sister and brother.

“You father lives on a farm, too,” I reminded him. “Though he also runs an insurance business.”

“I know all about Baden,” Danny said. “He’s good enough when he’s here, and Mom never says anything bad about him. But I don’t like him much.”

“All right,” I said, figuring that was a useless thing to fight. And we went to a movie that I let him pick. It was science fiction, and I probably enjoyed it as much as he did. Afterwards, I asked if he wanted me to buy him something, so he’d remember.

“Remember the movie? Why would I forget?”

The way he talked, I wasn’t sure he liked me, either.

“I thought you might like a present,” I explained.

“I’d rather have money.”

“What would you spend it on?”

“Oh, you know,” he said. “Things.”

So I asked Valerie, and then I gave Danny twenty dollars. There was a thank you note waiting for me when I got home, which is why I say the boy had good manners. But I couldn’t imagine how hard it was for Neal to visit.

Driving through Dallas, I thought I’d stop and see June. I really didn’t expect to stay very long, probably no more than for lunch. But I stayed a couple of days. Her new husband was friendly, and it was good to see June so happy. Her husband was also her own age, which made them both only slightly younger than me.

“I was really sorry to hear about William,” she said.

She’d already told me that on the phone, and she sent me a very nice letter. She only met William once, another time when I was driving through Dallas. But they got along well.

“I don’t know what I’d do if my husband died now,” she went on. “It’s only been five years, but I’ve gotten so comfortable.”

I knew what she meant, but it wasn’t being comfortable that I missed. It was the thought of getting up each day and wondering what would happen. I never had that with Martin. I knew what every day would be like, and I was happy knowing that. But everything changed during my years with William.

And either I had to adjust to that, or I had to start making some things happen for myself. I could take some trips. And I could make new friends. And I could always read and ask questions. But meanwhile, I just thanked the Lord for giving me both Martin and William.