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    Headstall
  • Headstall
  • Author
  • 09/08/2022
  • 416 Words
  • 7,997 Views
  • 38 Comments
Stories posted in this category are works of fiction. Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are created by the authors' imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 

Odes to Life, Love, Loss, and Loyalty - 1. Chapter 1

Some losses are pivotal to our personal growth. Life needs balance, and so does love. Without it, there is certain death.

Love and Violence in the Afternoon

 

I need to remember all of that morn as a lesson

When acknowledged truth cleared my vision

And betrayal raged through me like a hot fire

This day I finally came to terms with my own folly

 

Your view of love was a warped and selfish one

Because it never impeded your basest needs

Yet, you insisted on keeping me trapped in lies

Until I found my way to unsheathing the truth

 

How your constant volatility kept me off balance

Enough that I blamed myself for your penchant

To wander, without requiring you to pay any price

I saw it all laid out before me because I pushed

 

And to see it was to be ashamed I could love you

That I could be easily manipulated, and so brazenly

How I closed my ears to all the whispered history

Verification of how you really only loved yourself

 

Rose-colored glasses disintegrated in minutes

As I watched your face while demanding answers

How could I have ever believed the likes of you?

How could I have lost myself to such a monster?

 

Love was something I had thought of as pure

But I changed that day in a most profound way

As the carefully crafted clouds around your true self

Disintegrated like tissues against my raging river

 

I witnessed your rising fear as I pressed you to uncloak

I saw your panic, for I had never challenged you before

But this day was different… it was the end of pretense

And I no longer feared losing someone I saw no depth in

 

You should never have grabbed my arm and yanked

Pushing between me and the door when I sought to leave

The fool you are didn’t see your controlling days were over

Or that trying to hold me in place was now a symbol of our past

 

Admittedly, I had never taken you as stupid before

Yet you really believed you could continue to bully me

Even after witnessing my deep conviction to walk away

Because you had never taken the time to truly see me

 

Maybe that was my fault, for letting you tread all over me

Maybe it was my fault I had to use violence to end your grip

Maybe it was my fault the fist I swung was greased with hate

But it was your fault we died that day. Happy anniversary.

Thanks for reading.
Copyright © 2022 Headstall; All Rights Reserved.
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Thanks for reading.
Stories posted in this category are works of fiction. Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are created by the authors' imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 

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Headstall
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On 9/8/2022 at 10:39 AM, kbois said:

Wonderfully written piece. It brings out an array of emotions. Finding strength to leave an abusive situation is often the most difficult decision one can make. 

Without a doubt, it was, kbois. And writing about it had its pitfalls. I don't wear rose-colored glasses anymore, not when it comes to affairs of the heart. When I first entered the community, I didn't understand the bitterness I witnessed. Now I do. :( 

Thank you for the kind words and the support. Cheers! :hug: 

  • Love 7
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Headstall
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On 9/8/2022 at 1:23 PM, W_L said:

Amazing and very visceral, it was not a poem that readers enjoy, rather it is something we experience in the perspective of an abused lover/partner/spouse. 

@Headstall Thank you for sharing this great piece with us!

You're right, W_L. It is not pleasant subject matter. Being starkly honest is often uncomfortable, for both the author and the reader. So glad you appreciated my effort, and I thank you for the kind words. Cheers! :hug: 

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Headstall
On 9/8/2022 at 8:51 PM, drsawzall said:

I'm not one to cross the street for poetry but...

The raw emotion, the angst and pain along with the ending of abuse was visceral and was well done!

Loved the following...

I witnessed your rising fear as I pressed you to uncloak

I saw your panic, for I had never challenged you before

But this day was different… it was the end of pretense

And I no longer feared losing someone I saw no depth in

 

You should never have grabbed my arm and yanked

Pushing between me and the door when I sought to leave

The fool you are didn’t see your controlling days were over

Or that trying to hold me in place was now a symbol of our past

Thank you so much, Doc! I'm pleased as heck you crossed the street for this poem. :)  This was my first bit of writing after a long spell, and it meant a lot to me that I was able to pen this, brutal as it is. Thanks for quoting the lines you did. That panicked look is branded in my memory, for in it I saw verification that I was right about it all. 

Onward and upward... I might glance back, but there is nothing there to dwell on. Cheers, my friend. :hug: 

  • Love 5
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Headstall
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On 9/8/2022 at 9:29 PM, Albert1434 said:

A great and powerful piece of poetry! Thanks for sharing this with us, dark and bloody. Painful and sad that we have to live thru this stuff:,(

Thanks for sharing:hug:

Thanks, buddy. It is definitely dark, and yes there was a bit of blood. Living through this, wasting all those years, changed me profoundly. I have no delusions about love, or what can be paraded as love. Appreciate your support as always, dear friend. Cheers! :hug: 

  • Love 6
Headstall
On 9/9/2022 at 2:28 AM, Aditus said:

First, I chose 'Love' because the lyrical self persevered.

With every stanza shackles have been shed, freedom came closer for body, mind and soul. 

You found perfect words to describe a rough road. I myself feel a little raw and shaken after reading this.

Thank you for sharing, Gary.

~Adi

I was a bit shaken too after writing this, Adi. I have a lot of poetry that no one else ever sees, and this could have been one of those. Fact is, though, I was proud to be writing again, so I made the decision it would be posted. I like how you describe your journey in reading this one. It was a long day for me, but yeah, shackles were shed as I gained strength... and that freedom enticed me to bear all the pain so I could claim it. Much thanks to a fellow poet. Cheers! :hug:  

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Headstall
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On 9/9/2022 at 1:28 PM, northie said:

Anniversaries can be times for reflection, giving thanks, and perhaps, heaving a sigh of relief.

They can also be an opportunity for baring your soul. Thank you, Gary, for having the courage to let us into this episode of your life. To escape an abusive relationship needs a special kind of courage, I think. I'm glad you're out the other side and living your life as you want it. 

Thanks, northie. Relief is what I feel most, now that time has put distance between us. He never really gave up, but I was never tempted. Okay, full disclosure, that statement might be a touch too absolute. The mind tends to play games, but I'm too smart and too different now to consider such folly. When people show you who they are, believe them. :) Courage? I suppose, but it was really about self preservation for me. I had lost myself, and the sadness of that was suffocating. Appreciate the support, dear friend. Cheers! :hug:  

  • Love 7
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Headstall
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11 hours ago, Mawgrim said:

Very powerful description of the moment when someone finally sees a toxic relationship for what it really is. 
 

 

 

But this day was different… it was the end of pretense

That line sums it up so well.

It's astonishing to me still, how we can convince ourselves of things that just aren't true. We see it all over the world in every conceivable instance. Once the pretense is gone, though, there is no turning back. Truth is truth. 

Thanks, Mawgrim, for the kind support. Cheers. :hug: 

  • Love 7
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Headstall
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6 hours ago, Valkyrie said:

:worship:  Very well done!  This poem showed brilliantly the process of realizing a relationship is toxic and then telling the abuser they no longer have power over them. 

Abusers and narcissists are master manipulators who, unfortunately, make it easy to fall for their BS.  Once those glasses disintegrate, it's liberating, but also quite understandable to question what you ever saw in them.  Nothing shocks a narcissist more than to be called out on their behavior.  I love how the narrator in the poem finds their courage and stands up for themselves. 

I think this is one of the most powerful lines in the poem.  The violence in the end was absolutely justified self-defense.  The abuser tried to stop the narrator from leaving, so defending himself to get out of the situation was totally warranted.  Celebrating the anniversary of gaining freedom from an abusive relationship is something to be commended.  This poem is raw, emotional, and ultimately triumphant.  Thank you for sharing it with us :hug:  

Wow. Thank you, Val. I agree with you about that line. It was a shock to me when I realized the qualities I saw were all in my head. He said something to me when we first met that was very shallow, and I should have taken my cue from that. 

The violence was necessary... yet I abhor the way it ended. That wasn't me... that was someone who was desperately trying to stay strong and find himself again. Posting something so brutally honest is hard, but it is also cathartic. Your words mean a lot to me, my friend. Appreciate them so much. Cheers! :hug: 

  • Love 6
Headstall
6 hours ago, spike382 said:

Gary, there's no right words for how that hit me.  What a mix of emotions.  And how it ended, having to live that again and remember yearly.  So goddamn sad.  

Thank you though, for sharing this. Love you buddy. 

Love you too, spikeman. :hug: Sad, yeah, but it is part of my past. Being a newbie, I was not prepared for how things worked in the community, and what and who to be wary of, but I learned my lessons well. He's said many times since that it was his loss, and he's right. But, the fact is, I lost years, and once in a while that rankles. I'm pleased this stirred your emotions, buddy. Thanks for the support. Cheers! 

  • Love 5
lomax61

It's the 'happy anniversary' tag at the end of the poem that grabbed me made me wonder if this was a personal. I love to balance my reading with some poetry and this serving of your Odes to Life, Love, Loss, and Loyalty certainly packs a punch. Love can blindside us. I've seen this with countless couples over the years, both gay and straight, and most often there is one guilty party. "Verification of how you really only loved yourself" says it all and I've often wondered if some people are incapable of love. Nice job, Gary.

  • Love 5
Headstall
7 hours ago, lomax61 said:

It's the 'happy anniversary' tag at the end of the poem that grabbed me made me wonder if this was a personal. I love to balance my reading with some poetry and this serving of your Odes to Life, Love, Loss, and Loyalty certainly packs a punch. Love can blindside us. I've seen this with countless couples over the years, both gay and straight, and most often there is one guilty party. "Verification of how you really only loved yourself" says it all and I've often wondered if some people are incapable of love. Nice job, Gary.

I believe love means different things to different people, and yes, some are incapable of love because they can only put themselves first. Selfishness is the antithesis of love. 

This poem was definitely personal. Mine usually are to some degree. "Write what you know," right? Happy to hear this packed a punch for you, Brian. This was the first thing I wrote in months, and helped get me back on track, and pushed me to write two other anthology submissions/stories. Thanks for taking the time to read and support. it is appreciated. Cheers! G.

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