It’s Time To Go - 1. It’s Time To Go

“Darin?” Hayden called out as he was searching the upper level of his home. “Where are you …? I need you.”

Hayden continued room by room, searching for what appeared to be of great importance to him. He actually began to panic as if he had lost what he was seeking.

“I’m down here, Hayden,” Darin called out from the lower level and alerting Hayden to his whereabouts.

Hayden breathed a sigh of relief, giving up his search, and made his way down to the lower level. He couldn’t help but make note of the somber tone in Darin’s voice as he walked down the stairs, but it wasn’t until he turned the corner and caught a glimpse of Darin that a shudder went down his back.

“I’ve been looking for you,” Hayden stated with pain in his eyes as he moved into the room where Darin was located.

“I’ve noticed,” Darin commented, pointing out the obvious.

Hayden was dressed up in fairly good clothing, mostly because he felt the need to always appear presentable. Darin normally would wear casual outfits, unless on important days. Today, Hayden noticed how extra-dressed up Darin was, sizing him up from top to bottom, and knew exactly why he’d felt panicked beforehand.

“Going somewhere?” Hayden questioned.

“I think it’s time, don’t you?” Darin replied in a somber tone.

“You’re leaving me?” Hayden asked, though the tone he used suggested it was more of a statement rather than a question.

“This isn’t healthy anymore … it’s for the best,” Darin announced. The thought of Darin leaving made Hayden go rigid.

“I disagree. We’re happy, aren’t we?” Hayden asked, in a way that implied he wasn’t totally surprised at Darin’s announcement.

Darin let out a breath while trying to find the proper words. “Being happy has nothing to do with it, Hayden. Don’t you want more out of life then living like this?”

“I don’t want more,” Hayden pleaded as his eyes turned sad, “I’m happy here with you … I only need you.”

“Well, you can’t have me anymore,” Darin stated, trying to sound cold with his jaw clenched shut.

“I don’t believe you. Look in my eyes and tell me you don’t love me. ” Hayden spoke with a tremor in his voice.

“No, Hayden,” Darin sighed as he continued, “I can’t do this with you. It’s decided and I’ve got to stick by it.”

Darin turned towards the hallway, unwilling to allow himself to see the pain he was causing the other man in the room.

“Look at me … please.” Hayden continued to plead as he approached Darin from behind.

An inner battle raged within Darin. He struggled with himself as he slowly turned his head. The rest of his body followed suit and he found himself looking directly into Hayden’s eyes. Darin felt uncertain, but the question of whether he was winning or losing that very battle, which clearly was showing in his eyes, went unanswered.

“You know I don’t really want to leave,” Darin finally admitted after allowing himself to look deeply into Hayden’s eyes.

“Then why leave?” Hayden whispered in a low tone that suggested any moment he would break.

“You already know why,” Darin answered, realizing that Hayden was only denying the truth. “It’s time for both of us to move on. Do you have to make this any harder than it has to be?”

“You’re the one making this hard,” Hayden suddenly snapped back with a desperate note of anger in his voice.

“It’s just time, Hayden. Search your heart, you know I’m right,” Darin pointed out, feeling guilty that he had to be so harsh.

Hayden collapsed into a nearby chair, for he knew that Darin spoke the truth. Hayden looked towards the bookcase that sat in the corner of the room, and his eyes landed upon the shelf near the bottom where the photo album resided.

In a small voice Hayden spoke. “Do you remember the first day we met?”

“How could I forget?” Darin smiled as they both began to share the memory. “You were incredible clumsy back then.”

“I was not, you know I tripped.” Hayden defended himself, turning his head and looking towards Darin.

Darin let out a slight chuckle. “Believe what you will, but I guess if you hadn’t… tripped, we never would have met.”

A smile began to appear upon Hayden’s face. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. Do you still remember the walk we took that day?”

Darin nodded in response. “We walked the whole length of the boardwalk. I think it even rained that day.”

“Yes, it did, but only a small shower, and it only lasted about twenty minutes,” Hayden reminded him.

“Wasn’t that when we decided to go to the beach and you found that seashell?” Darin asked, pointing to an opal-looking shell resting on the bookcase.

“Yes, it was,” Hayden answered as he stood up and picked up the seashell and lifted it to his ear. “I’ve always loved how this one sounded. It sounds different than the others, and it always makes me think of you and that day we shared.”

“How did you actually find that shell, again?” Darin asked, while watching Hayden listen to the sound coming from the shell.

“Simple, I stepped on it and fell into you since I was in my bare feet,” Hayden replied as he lowered the shell and gently placed it back on the shelf.

“Oh yes, that’s right,” Darin spoke excitedly. “You tried to keep the rollerblades on, but had to take them off because you couldn’t stand up in them. If I remember correctly, you refused to go back to your place and get proper footwear and ended up instead spending the day barefoot.”

Hayden smile faded suddenly as his eyes lowered towards the floor. Darin was quick to pick up on this and was about to reach out to pull him in an embrace, but caught himself before he did so.

“You promised you would one day teach me how to rollerblade,” Hayden reminded Darin in a low admonitory voice.

“That’s true, but you decided to put them in the attic and took up the art of stalking shortly after that,” Darin said in an unreadable tone.

“I never stalked you,” Hayden shot out, knowing just what Darin was referring to.

“Oh, really?” Darin questioned.

“Don’t ‘oh, really’ me,” Hayden stated in an irritated tone as he crossed his arms in front of his chest.

“So you don’t think opening my bedroom window totally naked, which was on the second floor by the way, only to find you looking in from the other side was stalking?” Darin asked.

“Nope,” Hayden answered, very certain of himself.

“Then what would you call it?” Darin insisted, as both of his hands found their way to his own hips.

“Bird watching,” Hayden grinned.

Darin let out a sudden laugh which seemed catching because Hayden followed suit and both of them smiled warmly. As they looked closely at each other, the silence that filled the room between them was peaceful and calming, but as with the calm before a storm, the two of them suddenly felt awkward and uncertain as to what to say or do next.

Hayden finally broke the silence as he leaned up against the wall behind him. “At least I didn’t dress up as a woman to get into a strip club just to check out my mate.”

“Yes, well ….” Darin paused as he tried to find the words before he admitted, “Well, we both know how jealous I can get.”

“That was a very entertaining night; in fact, I still have the photos I took of you,” Hayden announced while glancing from the photo album to Darin.

“Wait a minute, you promised me you destroyed those photos,” Darin shot out in annoyance.

“I lied.” Hayden’s lips curled, which only frustrated Darin further.

“Where are they then? I’ll dispose of them myself.” Darin spoke as he began to head towards the photo album.

“I’d like to see that, but then, you won’t find them there anyway. Do you honestly think I would leave such things as that in an obvious location?” Hayden stated.

“I always hated the way you did things like that,” Darin said, frustrated and feeling defeated with their situation.

In the closeness that was now between the two of them, Hayden noticed Darin’s bangs falling into his face. On instinct, Hayden reached out to push them back, but Darin perhaps picked up on Hayden’s intent and brushed his bangs away before Hayden could do so.

“Well, you didn’t always make it easy for me and it was something I wanted to remember when I was older. ” Hayden spoke softly as he lowered his hand back down to his side.

Darin crossed his arms, looking towards Hayden as if he had two heads instead of one. “Why you would want to remember that night, especially considering on how it turned out?”

“I think it turned out alright,” Hayden smiled.

“Turned out alright?” Darin spoke, confused, as his tone shot up, “for crying out loud, Hayden, they beat us until we couldn’t move. I still remember how you looked when I woke up and you barely remembered the attack. Why would you want to remember that night?”

A painful expression appeared upon Darin’s face. Hayden stood up, then walked over to Darin while looking him right in the eyes. “Because, Darin, it reminds me of just how much you love me.”

“Loved,” Darin corrected, as he turned and walked over to the window and looked out.

“You still love me, Darin. I know you do, otherwise you would have left by now,” Hayden said, but his words fell upon deaf ears.

Darin muttered, barely more than a whisper, but clearly in a cold tone, “I’d bet you actually asked the cops for the photos they took of us that night.”

“Actually, I did,” Hayden confessed.

Darin turned around and looked back at Hayden. “You’re morbid, you do know that?”

“I thought that’s what you love most about me,” Hayden smiled.

Another awkward moment fell before quickly turning into an eerie silence. Darin eventually approached a picture hanging on the wall of the two of them in each other’s arms. They were well-dressed and both smiling, and much younger. Darin raised his hand and touched the side of the frame as if trying to dust the edges.

“We were happy back then, weren’t we?” Darin finally broke the silence as their thoughts returned to the time the photo was taken.

“High school prom,” Hayden said, as he allowed himself to sit on the armrest of a chair nearby. “How could we not find those days less complicated?”

“Things sure got more complex after that day,” Darin remembered.

“Yes, I know, but that might have been because it was our coming out party,” Hayden laughed. Darin followed suit by chuckling.

“I don’t think the school was prepared for the Prom King to kiss another guy,” Darin laughed.

“Well, you always knew how to cause a scene.” Hayden spoke with fondness at the memory.

“Do you really think I caused a scene?” Darin asked.

“Yes, but I can’t decided who caused the bigger scene. Was it when you avoided dancing with the Queen and grabbed me to shove your tongue down my throat or was…” Hayden suddenly cut himself off before finishing his comment.

“Or what?” Darin asked.

“It doesn’t matter,” Hayden said, as he reached over and picked up a small object that resembled more of a paperweight then anything else, and held it tightly in his hands.

“You’re damn right it does,” Darin spat out, frustrated that Hayden wouldn’t finish his thought.

“It’s just the reason why you did it. I made you come out that night. I broke up with you because you didn’t want to go with me publicly,” Hayden finally struggled to admit.

“Well, I guess that’s one way to force me to do something,” Darin smirked.

Hayden lowered his head as he whispered in a weak voice, “I wish I hadn’t always pushed you into doing things you weren’t ready for. Maybe if I hadn’t, then things would have turned out different. You know?”

Darin kneeled down in front of Hayden to look up into his eyes. He reached out to touch his face but changed his mind and pulled back at the last second.

“I’m proud of the way things turned out,” Darin spoke softly while looking into Hayden’s eyes.

“I’m not, and by the sound of things you’re not willing to give me that chance,” Hayden blurted out.

“That’s not fair,” Darin shot out sharply, but then changed to a gentler tone. “You know this is what’s for the best. Search your heart; I know you know I speak the truth.”

“I’m going to miss you,” Hayden whispered while a tear rolled down his left cheek.

“Will you promise me something?”

“Anything,” Hayden said through his tears.

“Try to remember the good times we shared together, rather than the bad ones, for those are the ones worth fighting for and remembering,” Darin said in a gentle, soothing tone.

Hayden let out a slight laugh, “What you really mean is to forget the embarrassing moments you had.”

“Yeah, those too,” Darin smiled as he rose up and took a few steps backwards towards the fireplace.

“Please don’t go,” Hayden pleaded.

“I do love you, Hayden, and I wish I could stay here forever, but you know I can’t.” Darin spoke with a tone that suggested his heart was about to break.

“I know,” Hayden said with his head lowered yet still able to look sadly into Darin’s eyes.

Suddenly, from outside of the house, a female voice called as she knocked on the front door, “Hayden, it’s time to go.”

“I’ll be there in a minute,” Hayden yelled back as he looked towards the door.

Hayden turned his head back towards Darin; only to Hayden’s disappointment Darin was no longer in the room. Hayden sighed to himself and headed towards the mantle above the fireplace. As he placed the object in his hand on the mantle, he reached next to it and delicately picked up a small reddish wooden box.

The wooden box, which was rectangular in size and made of rosewood, contained a lock with the key in it. Hayden removed the key and gently placed it into his pocket before rubbing his finger over the brass plate located on top of the box. The nameplate had a single word engraved on it. "Darin".

Hayden carried the wooden box to the front door, but first stopped to glance around the room. “I’ll always love you, Darin,” Hayden spoke with a tremble in his voice. He softly kissed the top of the box and whispered, “But you’re right… It’s time to go.”

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