All My Dreams Pass Before My Eyes - 34. Chapter 34 The Lighthouse

Mixed emotions. I'm kind of sad to see it end, but also was getting lost among the multitude of characters as the story went on. I set some recommendations, but really wish there was one for "Confusing."

Also, don't forget to mark it Complete so it can be reviewed.

18 minutes ago, Lee Wilson said:

Mixed emotions. I'm kind of sad to see it end, but also was getting lost among the multitude of characters as the story went on. I set some recommendations, but really wish there was one for "Confusing."

Also, don't forget to mark it Complete so it can be reviewed.

Good comment about the many characters. Perhaps I should have included a “refresher” of sorts as characters reappeared.

8 minutes ago, JLynch said:

Good comment about the many characters. Perhaps I should have included a “refresher” of sorts as characters reappeared.

No worries. My reading comprehension is for shit, so it may not have been an issue for anybody else. One positive about shitty comprehension, I can read stories/books multiple times and not remember what's going to happen. Needless to say, it's a negative in my writing; I have to re-read multiple times before it sinks in enough to not screw something up later. 😊

Thank you for this and it is appreciated that you took the time to grace these pages with your work. Like any good tale, this begs for a sequel chapter or a dozen!!!

4 minutes ago, drsawzall said:

Thank you for this and it is appreciated that you took the time to grace these pages with your work. Like any good tale, this begs for a sequel chapter or a dozen!!!

I’m most appreciative of your dedication to reading my work and your very supportive comments. My intuition tells me these characters will be retired, but you never know. I’m hard at work on a new tale…all new characters!

Nice ending for Cary and Apollo. Thanks for the journey.

I'm still shocked after reading "the end" 🤣🤣

Great story, loved the action, loved the ending, I'm a bit unclear how everyone turned out, but it was interesting to read on the separate lives of so many people.

2 hours ago, johnnyboy2285 said:

I'm still shocked after reading "the end" 🤣🤣

Great story, loved the action, loved the ending, I'm a bit unclear how everyone turned out, but it was interesting to read on the separate lives of so many people.

I tried to wrap a ribbon around the major characters beginning with Chapter 32. Scottie and Randy together, with Scottie destined to become a major super model. Day and Liam fully partnered. Winnie and Micah living a refined life. Toby with the love of his life, Bell. Carey and Apollo reunited for all time. Earlier, it appeared as if Da and Ally would be in a long term relationship. The same with Kaito and Dirk. We don’t know what happens to Harper. Do we actually care? I’d actually written a chapter ending where Marti is on a gurney heading into surgery for a double mastectomy with Gee looking on, tears in his eyes. I deleted it, although it did appear in a different version published on another platform. But, they were all wonderful characters I loved immensely.

So I read this story in its entirety over the last two days. And I held off with leaving any comments for two distinct reasons. Reason One: I tend to be too direct and honest with my critiques and this is not really encouraged. Reason Two: Every single comment would have been seen as negative. 

I think everyone can be honest and admit the first few chapters are in desperate need of re-writes and editing. As one person commented, this story is very confusing. Though the prose gets markedly better as the chapters progressed. I would say this is a really good first draft. But to see it fully realized, it should be gone over again. But I saw in a comment above, the author says these characters are retired. So I must see this for what it is.

This story seems to be two different yet similar stories that were mashed together. I would be curious to see if the author wrote each chapter and posted it immediately. I wonder this as numerous plot points were introduced in early chapters only to be dropped by the wayside to focus on sex scenes, which there are a plethora. 

The standout character by far, is Apollo. It would have been amazing if instead of all the other characters that really did not add anything to the story except gratuitous sex scenes, were dropped to focus on what I felt was the A story, Carey and Apollo. 

Instead of Tobey's pointless story arc, (my second favorite character), we got to see Apollo's journey as he tried to make his way through the seedy gay underground. As Carey get's more entangled with the Shadowy Circle, Apollo helps a young boy get out before he is fully corrupted. My mind grew wild with the possibilities. 

I grew increasingly frustrated until I remembered. I was mad that the author didn't write the story I wanted and instead selfishly wrote the story the author wanted to tell instead. How dare that author. (this is said with my tongue firmly placed against my cheek) So I adjusted my thinking and thought about the story I was freely given.

Should you read this? The chapters are short, it's a quick read with some interesting characters and plot devices. There are some filler chapters that could be cut without hurting the narrative, but you do get one really hot sex scene and a happy ending. There are a lot of stories on this site that I wouldn't even take the time to rate much less finish. So I'd give this 2.5 out of 5 books. 

J

On 4/5/2024 at 1:25 PM, Jason Rimbaud said:

First and foremost, thank you for reading my story and taking the time to write these thoughtful comments. I would like to have the opportunity to respond and provide answers to some of the things you have speculated about.

So I read this story in its entirety over the last two days. And I held off with leaving any comments for two distinct reasons. Reason One: I tend to be too direct and honest with my critiques and this is not really encouraged. Reason Two: Every single comment would have been seen as negative. 

Even though you obviously had a negative response to parts, most, or all of the narrative, you read it all the way through. The story must have resonated with you, in some way. I’d love to hear what kept you reading.

I think everyone can be honest and admit the first few chapters are in desperate need of re-writes and editing.

It’s interesting that you made this comment. I felt the first chapters were the most well crafted if, simply because they were the first. I reread the story from the beginning numerous times while I was writing it. As a result, each time I read it through, I found mistakes and made countless other edits. Not so much with the last chapters as they were reread fewer times.

That being said, I know the entire story would have benefited from a beta reader or an editor. Unfortunately, I didn’t have access to any, as my writing is entirely private. Early on, I received a couple of suggestions from the gayauthors moderators that had a profound effect on helping me shape the narrative. Likewise, comments from other readers, both in public, and through private communications, helped keep me on track.

As one person commented, this story is very confusing.

I can see that. The story jumps forward in time and then goes back. Characters appear and disappear for long expanses only to reappear again. There was a method to my madness. I thought it would work but, as mentioned earlier, a good editor could have ripped it apart and made better sense of it.

Though the prose gets markedly better as the chapters progressed. I would say this is a really good first draft.

Thank you! This gives me hope!

But to see it fully realized, it should be gone over again. But I saw in a comment above, the author says these characters are retired. So I must see this for what it is.

Even though I love them all, I’m ready to let these characters go. I don’t see any sense in writing about them as they age. I’m most comfortable writing about younger people as the central characters. They will only reappear (possibly) if I bring them back in some new context. Right now, I can’t imagine what that would be.

This story seems to be two different yet similar stories that were mashed together. I would be curious to see if the author wrote each chapter and posted it immediately.

As I wrote in the notes at the beginning of the story, this story is indeed a mash-up of two separate stories that have been published on other platforms. Those stories did not align with gayauthors.org standards, so I took them apart and reconstituted them to create this new piece. The entire narrative was complete before I published the first chapter. However, along the way, I realized I needed to flesh out certain aspects of the story, so I revised and added narrative to some chapters.

I wonder this as numerous plot points were introduced in early chapters only to be dropped by the wayside to focus on sex scenes, which there are a plethora. 

The standout character by far, is Apollo. It would have been amazing if instead of all the other characters that really did not add anything to the story except gratuitous sex scenes, were dropped to focus on what I felt was the A story, Carey and Apollo.

I agree that Apollo is a compelling character. He’s based on a young man (boy?) I encountered just as Carey did, in the median of a boulevard. I saw him for less than 10 seconds but, nevertheless, he was burned in my brain. His story just kind of rolled out of me. I probably received more comments about Apollo than any other (Bell was a close second). One reader recounted his own homelessness, others provided information about human trafficking. Another prayed, “I hope he’s ok,” as if he was a real person. 

Instead of Tobey's pointless story arc, (my second favorite character), we got to see Apollo's journey as he tried to make his way through the seedy gay underground. As Carey get's more entangled with the Shadowy Circle, Apollo helps a young boy get out before he is fully corrupted. My mind grew wild with the possibilities.

I guess I might have disappointed you by not fleshing out these parts of Apollo’s story. Interesting idea. A new story?

I have to disagree with you about Toby. I don’t see his story as pointless. He’s a young man trying to find his sexual identity. And, find love. I think that’s a worthy subject. 

I grew increasingly frustrated until I remembered. I was mad that the author didn't write the story I wanted and instead selfishly wrote the story the author wanted to tell instead. How dare that author. (this is said with my tongue firmly placed against my cheek) So I adjusted my thinking and thought about the story I was freely given.

What story did you want told?

Should you read this? The chapters are short, it's a quick read with some interesting characters and plot devices. There are some filler chapters that could be cut without hurting the narrative, but you do get one really hot sex scene and a happy ending. There are a lot of stories on this site that I wouldn't even take the time to rate much less finish. So I'd give this 2.5 out of 5 books. 

Thank you for that rating. I understand that a 2.5 doesn’t sound all that great. But, you obviously have very high standards. I’m grateful you took the time.

 

Even though you obviously had a negative response to parts, most, or all of the narrative, you read it all the way through. The story must have resonated with you, in some way. I’d love to hear what kept you reading.

Ugh, this is exactly what I meant when I said my comments are taken as negative. Which only goes to show you how bad of a writer I truly am.

This time, I am taking my time to make sure I convey my thoughts in a manner that is honest, yet easier to understand. This is going on my fifth hour and third re-write. Because if anyone knows me at all, I tend to overwrite. 

Firstly, I really enjoyed this story for reasons I will explain. But first, when I actually take the time to comment on a story, it is because I really enjoyed it. I like the author's voice, the plot points, characters, and lately the sex scenes. And when I like a story enough that I want to comment, I tend to be bluntly honest in my comments.

And since you took the time to graciously respond to me I will attempt to answer the questions you asked and hopefully explain myself better this time around. 

My Confusion

Most of my confusion stemmed from the actual formatting of the words on the page. There were many times, based on formatting, I lost track of who was speaking as the usual "he said" or "she said" were missing. I kept having to go back and count the sentences to see who was speaking. There were also times, within a single paragraph where the action switched times as well as places. This was jarring and it took me out of the narrative. You want to avoid anything that would take the reader out of your narrative for any reason.

Use of Time Jumps:

There are two different time jumps that also confused me. The first type, when there was a time jump buried in the narrative itself. Time jumps are fine and necessary in any narrative, but they should be easy to spot. IE: "For the next few hours, Carey focused on his homework, but he couldn't get his mind off Apollo's smell. He gave up and went the store." Indicators such as this was missing. 

The other time jump could be fixed by shuffling the order of the chapters. I would have started the story with Chapter Two: The Lake and put Chapter One: Tybee Island as Chapter Four. I would have moved Apollo's time jump back to when it happened in real time in regards to Carey's journey. 

This ties back in my theory that Carey is actually the protagonist of this story. I will die on that hill.

Two Stories In One

This makes sense now in my tiny brain. But if you were to honestly ask any reader who the protagonist of this story, I would venture a guess the answer would be Carey, as he seems to be the emotional glue that holds the story together. With the exception of Toby, they only have one interaction, Toby is only connected to Bell, and Bell isn't the main character either. So for me, in regards to Carey's story, Toby is the odd man out. 

So when I wrote pointless characters. I now can read that back and see how arrogant and hurtful that comment could be taken. Because what I should have written, those characters and/or scenes that do not move Carey's story forward actually hurts the narrative. Remember, I did not know it was two stories mashed together, I went by what I saw on the page.

Chapter 27, nice little chapter with some sex, but it doesn't affect the outcome of the story at all. Chapter 30, I don't remember reading about Liam, so if I did, his character didn't resonate with me so why should I have a whole chapter about him falling in love in Europe. I wanted to know what the *insert explicative* was happening with Apollo!

I want to be very clear. This is only my opinion, this doesn't mean I'm right. But you asked so nicely I felt you deserved to know my convoluted thought process. 

You wrote, I guess I might have disappointed you by not fleshing out those parts, 

Would I have liked to know more about Apollo? Yes, and I'll tell you why. You made the decision to bring him back in the narrative. You could have chosen to keep him gone until he showed up on Carey's door in the last chapter. But you didn't, so I blame you for making me crave more of this fascinating character.

You asked, What story did I want told?

There is an old saying in the theater, if you show a gun in the first act, someone better be dead on the stage by the third. You introduced what I thought was great conflicts for our characters to overcome, the Shadowy Circle, Cary and/or Toby navigating the upper crust of society and the manipulations that could result in that, Harper being the scorned lover and seeking revenge on Carey, Bell using his charms to leave a path of destruction until it all comes crashing down and he realizes that Toby is actually the one he needed, but it was too late as Toby moved on. The professor, he groomed Carey to a point, went after Bell, and then Toby, but in the end even he got a happy ending with Micah. 

Apollo faced real adversity and had to overcome tremendously. But we are given but a taste of that conflict. And through it all, I didn't really see growth in Apollo in terms of character development. He was pretty much the same when he started as when he ended.

Carey had nothing to overcome really except his acceptance that he was a sub.  It was enjoyable to read about his sexscapades with hot guys, but what I was hoping for was conflict. I wanted him to grow as a character through facing adversity.

And then there's Bell. That selfish, manipulative asshole that floats through the story without once getting called out on his self-entitled behavior. And the one time you could have broken him down a little, enough to cause him to run back to Toby, he came out on top again. I'm referring to the encounter with the husband and wife, they should've have used him in a way that would force him to change his behavior. But not only did he get away with all of that, he ended up with the second best character in the entire story. And boy did that make me mad, Toby deserved someone better than Bell.

For me to feel so strongly is a credit to your strong characters. This is why I said I thought it was a great first draft. You have already told an entertaining story with great characters, and you have hinted at a deeper, richer story lurking underneath that could be brought out with further re-writes. But if you are finished, then I can respect that.

Remember, you wrote the story you wanted to tell. And I really did enjoy it very much. So at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what story I want told.

I hoped I answered your questions, I know that I tried to honestly convey my thought process. I also hoped it came across how much I enjoyed your story very much. And if you go on to write other stories, I would volunteer to be a Beta Reader for you anytime. Though I could only assume how much I'd suck at that job as well. 

So to clarify my rating for you, and hopefully I explained my thought process, I broke it down into categories. 

Compelling characters: 4 out of 5 Books
Compelling sex scenes: 4 out of 5 Books
Overall Narrative: 2.5 out of 5 Books
Story Structure & Formatting: 1 out of 5 Books
Overall Enjoyment: 4.5 out of 5 Books

On 4/7/2024 at 6:11 PM, Jason Rimbaud said:

Even though you obviously had a negative response to parts, most, or all of the narrative, you read it all the way through. The story must have resonated with you, in some way. I’d love to hear what kept you reading.

Ugh, this is exactly what I meant when I said my comments are taken as negative. Which only goes to show you how bad of a writer I truly am.

This time, I am taking my time to make sure I convey my thoughts in a manner that is honest, yet easier to understand. This is going on my fifth hour and third re-write. Because if anyone knows me at all, I tend to overwrite. 

Firstly, I really enjoyed this story for reasons I will explain. But first, when I actually take the time to comment on a story, it is because I really enjoyed it. I like the author's voice, the plot points, characters, and lately the sex scenes. And when I like a story enough that I want to comment, I tend to be bluntly honest in my comments.

I’m very flattered that you enjoyed my story. You seem to have some very high standards. 

And since you took the time to graciously respond to me I will attempt to answer the questions you asked and hopefully explain myself better this time around. 

My Confusion

Most of my confusion stemmed from the actual formatting of the words on the page. There were many times, based on formatting, I lost track of who was speaking as the usual "he said" or "she said" were missing. I kept having to go back and count the sentences to see who was speaking. There were also times, within a single paragraph where the action switched times as well as places. This was jarring and it took me out of the narrative. You want to avoid anything that would take the reader out of your narrative for any reason.

I was aware of this but I used this device based on several books I’ve read where the dialogue flows in one stream of consciousness. One author just combined dialogue of two different characters into the same paragraph. Now, that was confusing! That being said, it’s possible that I had developed the voices of my characters enough that what they were saying was easily attributed to them.

Use of Time Jumps:

There are two different time jumps that also confused me. The first type, when there was a time jump buried in the narrative itself. Time jumps are fine and necessary in any narrative, but they should be easy to spot. IE: "For the next few hours, Carey focused on his homework, but he couldn't get his mind off Apollo's smell. He gave up and went the store." Indicators such as this was missing. 

The other time jump could be fixed by shuffling the order of the chapters. I would have started the story with Chapter Two: The Lake and put Chapter One: Tybee Island as Chapter Four. I would have moved Apollo's time jump back to when it happened in real time in regards to Carey's journey. 

I was sort of stuck on “Tybee Island” being the first chapter. I just thought it was a strong opening even though it was out of time order. I should have resisted that compulsion and published it in consecutive time order. That would have forced me to make the first chapter more compelling…so as to draw the reader in to read on. 

This ties back in my theory that Carey is actually the protagonist of this story. I will die on that hill.

Indeed, he is THE protagonist. 

Two Stories In One

This makes sense now in my tiny brain. But if you were to honestly ask any reader who the protagonist of this story, I would venture a guess the answer would be Carey, as he seems to be the emotional glue that holds the story together. With the exception of Toby, they only have one interaction, Toby is only connected to Bell, and Bell isn't the main character either. So for me, in regards to Carey's story, Toby is the odd man out. 

That certainly makes sense. To be honest, Toby is a simple naive kid, clueless in many ways. I believe Day tags him in that way. But, that simple, innocent beauty of his is an important part of the narrative. His confusion, desire, and pursuit of love tugs at the heart.

So when I wrote pointless characters. I now can read that back and see how arrogant and hurtful that comment could be taken. Because what I should have written, those characters and/or scenes that do not move Carey's story forward actually hurts the narrative. Remember, I did not know it was two stories mashed together, I went by what I saw on the page.

Chapter 27, nice little chapter with some sex, but it doesn't affect the outcome of the story at all.

I respectfully disagree. I needed to bring some closure to Kaito, especially, and to Dirk, to a lesser extent. This was actually an inserted chapter. In one of the other stories that was the basis for this one, Dirk suffers a career ending injury on the football field. Kaito is there to provide him with solace. 

 Chapter 30, I don't remember reading about Liam, so if I did, his character didn't resonate with me so why should I have a whole chapter about him falling in love in Europe. I wanted to know what the *insert explicative* was happening with Apollo!

Liam was a more significant character in another version of this story. I thought I did a pretty good job introducing him and giving him a decent back story, even though it was a little thin.

I want to be very clear. This is only my opinion, this doesn't mean I'm right. But you asked so nicely I felt you deserved to know my convoluted thought process. 

You wrote, I guess I might have disappointed you by not fleshing out those parts, 

Would I have liked to know more about Apollo? Yes, and I'll tell you why. You made the decision to bring him back in the narrative. You could have chosen to keep him gone until he showed up on Carey's door in the last chapter. But you didn't, so I blame you for making me crave more of this fascinating character.

You and everybody else (as I’ve mentioned). He is an absolutely compelling character. I tried to tell as much of his story as I could or dared. There was some much darker stuff. 

You asked, What story did I want told?

There is an old saying in the theater, if you show a gun in the first act, someone better be dead on the stage by the third. You introduced what I thought was great conflicts for our characters to overcome, the Shadowy Circle, Cary and/or Toby navigating the upper crust of society and the manipulations that could result in that, Harper being the scorned lover and seeking revenge on Carey, Bell using his charms to leave a path of destruction until it all comes crashing down and he realizes that Toby is actually the one he needed, but it was too late as Toby moved on. The professor, he groomed Carey to a point, went after Bell, and then Toby, but in the end even he got a happy ending with Micah. 

Apollo faced real adversity and had to overcome tremendously. But we are given but a taste of that conflict. And through it all, I didn't really see growth in Apollo in terms of character development. He was pretty much the same when he started as when he ended.

Carey had nothing to overcome really except his acceptance that he was a sub.  It was enjoyable to read about his sexscapades with hot guys, but what I was hoping for was conflict. I wanted him to grow as a character through facing adversity.

A very good point!

And then there's Bell. That selfish, manipulative asshole that floats through the story without once getting called out on his self-entitled behavior. And the one time you could have broken him down a little, enough to cause him to run back to Toby, he came out on top again. I'm referring to the encounter with the husband and wife, they should've have used him in a way that would force him to change his behavior. But not only did he get away with all of that, he ended up with the second best character in the entire story. And boy did that make me mad, Toby deserved someone better than Bell.

Bell was a character that everyone loved to hate. I’d have to go back in my notes to count the number of times readers called him a shit ass. There’s no question, a lot of people wanted to see him get cut to ribbons. On the other hand, Toby loved the guy. And, when he just showed up in Savannah, it was if he finally let go of all of his shitty preferences and decided to devote himself to Toby.

For me to feel so strongly is a credit to your strong characters.

I LOVE my characters. I could write pages and pages about them without even calling it a book or a story.

This is why I said I thought it was a great first draft. You have already told an entertaining story with great characters, and you have hinted at a deeper, richer story lurking underneath that could be brought out with further re-writes. But if you are finished, then I can respect that.

I’ve been encouraged privately by others to give this another look. I just may do that. Right now, I’m writing another story with some new interesting characters. I just hope the story itself isn’t too damn confusing. Maybe that’s my writing style??

Remember, you wrote the story you wanted to tell. And I really did enjoy it very much. So at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what story I want told.

I hoped I answered your questions, I know that I tried to honestly convey my thought process. I also hoped it came across how much I enjoyed your story very much. And if you go on to write other stories, I would volunteer to be a Beta Reader for you anytime. Though I could only assume how much I'd suck at that job as well. 

Ha! Ya never know. Perhaps we should keep in touch. Writing is such a solitary activity, as you know. You’re sitting there wondering if any of it works…and not knowing until you click the publish button.

So to clarify my rating for you, and hopefully I explained my thought process, I broke it down into categories. 

Compelling characters: 4 out of 5 Books
Compelling sex scenes: 4 out of 5 Books
Overall Narrative: 2.5 out of 5 Books
Story Structure & Formatting: 1 out of 5 Books
Overall Enjoyment: 4.5 out of 5 Books

That’s great! Thank you for taking so much time to write this comment. I’m humbled!