Lukas - 9. Chapter 9

It was a bright and sunny but chilly November Saturday as Lukas knocked on Severin’s door.

“Can I come in?” he asked.

“Yes, please,” Severin responded, his voice getting stronger.

Lukas quickly sat in the chair that he had left the night before. With Severin laid up in bed, Lukas had spent the early morning tending to some of his garden chores. Eager to see his ‘uncle,’ he still had on his thick and well-used garden sweater when he heard Severin first stir.

“I wanted to tell you that I might be late tonight. I’ve arranged for Frau Marchuk to be here in case that happens.”

“Where are you going?” Severin asked, knowing the answer.

Lukas folded his arms across his chest, like he was announcing a major decision, not unlike his father.

“I called Christoph this morning and told him that we needed to talk. It might take a while, and I’m really not sure what will happen,” he said, his face momentarily downcast. “I don’t know … I might be very disappointed. There is a lot of stuff that I want to tell him. But whatever happens, I want you to know that I’ll be all right and will be home sometime - it just might not be before you go to bed. Will that be OK?

Severin reached out toward Lukas, taking his hand and pulling him down toward him in bed, then kissed his head. “Sure, Lukas. And good luck!” he added, squeezing his shoulder with the other hand.

“Whatever happens, I’ll be here - and your family will be here - for you.”

“Thanks, Uncle Sev. I really, really like him. I know that for sure. Every time I’m around him, every word out of his mouth and every gesture just makes me more sure,” he said, looking out the window, the garden just out of view.

“But I need to tell him about how I see my life, our life, how I picture things. And see what he wants too. I need to be honest with him about who I am.”

“Whatever you want to say, Lukas, I think it’s a very mature attitude. A lot of people rush into these commitments and don’t realize what it all means. You can’t say everything, of course. Some things are only told over time. But you are doing the right thing.”

“I hope so.” Lukas answered, his bloodshot eyes saying even more.

                                 ***

He got off the tram just down the block from Christoph’s flat and stepped quickly through the relatively empty streets, the rush hour crowd long gone. Fortunately, the cold wind was at his back as he made his way to the small alcove with the door. He hesitated for a moment, drew a deep breath and pressed the button. There was hardly a moment of delay before he was buzzed in.

From when they first met, the first greetings at Christoph’s apartment were always a little tentative: neither of them was exactly sure of where things stood and how exactly they should act. Lukas asked himself, ‘How long do I hug? Do I move my hands down his back? How hard to pull him toward me?’

While it always felt great for both of them, there was also anxiety, too. Neither really wanted to let go and had to be alert to when to release the warm, hard body in front of them.

Not to mention, there were some practical things too. After Cristopher buzzed him in, Lukas would quickly duck underneath the stair landing above and quickly adjust his pants, out of view of Christoph. Weeks ago, he had recognized that his quickly stiffening member would pull painfully on his pubic hair the moment that they touched.

But now, expecting and getting a warm welcome embrace and a fantastic long kiss from Christoph instead of a hug, they had crossed one barrier, he thought to himself. Lukas only hoped that it wouldn’t be the last one as Christoph kicked the door shut with his foot and pulled them tightly together.

“I’m glad that you called me this morning, because I wanted to talk to you, too,” he said before holding Lukas’ head with both hands and kissing his hair. He could sense Lukas inhaling the air around him and did the same.

‘He smells so damn good!’ Lukas thought to himself as he was immediately rock hard, but he tried to ignore it and was grateful for the quick adjustment that he had made downstairs. Still, it took a major effort to avoid pressing his hips into Christoph.

“Do you want something to drink?” Christoph asked after they slowly released each other, their hands slipping down and away from the other’s arms. After they had completely separated, Christoph helped him take off his scarf and jacket.

“It’s cold out there, so I could make you some hot chocolate?”

“Oh, nothing right now, but thanks,” Lukas responded. With his stomach seeming to rapidly tighten, at this point he wasn’t even sure that he could keep anything down.

Europeans kept their houses a bit colder than Americans, so Christoph was wearing a sweater over a long sleeve, polo-type shirt. It wasn’t the bulky, oversized kind that Lukas’ father sometimes wore, but a snug, medium-weight piece that definitely showed off the nice shape of his torso while keeping the cold at bay.

Lukas’ standard winter wear was a flannel shirt and t-shirt underneath. He normally liked a crew neck in the winter, but only his summer v-necks were washed and clean enough to wear. It made his neck a bit cold, as he didn’t ever like to fasten the top button, which was solved outdoors with the scarf. But it felt a bit bare indoors. For a moment he thought that Christoph was staring at the narrow fraction of his chest that was exposed and battled to put the thought out of his mind.

Christoph quickly found the hanging loop on the inside of the jacket while he temporarily laid the scarf across his shoulder. He placed his hands at each side of the loop and carefully placed it on an open wall hook next to his own neatly laid out items. As he did this, Lukas kicked off his boots and laid them on a rug next to Christoph’s array of shoes and boots.

When Lukas first visited the flat, the hooks were always filled with Christoph’s jackets, scarves, gloves, caps and even umbrellas, and he would quickly rehang things to fit Lukas’ jacket and whatever else he might be wearing. Now, there were always at least two open hooks.

“Is this a good place to talk?” Christoph asked, motioning toward the couch as they walked into the living room.

“Yes, this will work,” Lukas answered as they both took a seat, Christoph on one end with Lukas next to him in the middle of the beige leather cushions. The two were separated by a few inches but Lukas could feel the welcoming heat from Christoph’s body as he settled into the cushions, which seemed to almost envelop him.

Christoph laid his hand on the back of the seat, not quite reaching Lukas’ shoulder. He wondered what it would be like if that newly healed hand did reach around him, pulling him closer, but quickly pushed himself back to reality.

The air was still: there was only the sound of the tram outside as both made tentative starts in talking, until Christoph was able to express a full sentence.

“Um…thanks for coming over, Luka. May I call you that? Luka?”

“Yes, I’d like that,” he responded.

“Good. I know that you had something that you wanted to say, but I wanted to perhaps talk first as it might make it easier for you. Would that be all right?” Christoph asked, pulling back his hand to rub his face. Lukas noticed the slight shaking of his hand, but also noticed how the dusting of blond hair made it so masculine.

Lukas froze. ‘Did he want to stop things because he thinks I’m going back to the U.S.? But he just hugged me? And called me ‘Luka.’ What’s happening?!’ he asked himself silently, trying not to betray his anxiety.

“Go…go ahead, Christoph, if you think it will help,” he replied, struggling to put together a coherent thought himself.

Christoph swallowed and cleared his throat, which made Lukas even more nervous. ‘Here it comes…’ he thought to himself, a cold sweat coming out of him. He wondered if Christoph could hear his heartbeat which now seemed almost like the loudest sound in the room.

“I know that you have plans to go to law school next year, and law is, of course a very country-specific thing: you can’t go to law school in one country and expect to practice in another one with a totally different system. And if you go to a great law school like Columbia, I know that you’d really be a terrific lawyer, I can tell already….’

‘Oh no, he’s going to tell me good luck and all that,’ Lukas thought, his own breathing increasing, almost not hearing Christoph for a moment as the thumping became almost deafening.

“…and I’ve thought a lot about that, and about you, frankly. I don’t want to put pressure on you at all Luka, but I can’t help saying this, but I really, really like you, and I think that maybe you like me, too.”

Lukas blurted out “Yes!” before he could even finish talking. It seemed like he heard a sigh of relief from Christoph but couldn’t be sure.

“Good, I’m glad to hear that,” Christoph continued, smiling as he reached over and very gently rested his hand on Lukas’ leg.

“As I said, your law education is a very country-specific thing, and we both know that you’d be great at it. So, if you’d be willing to do this, to be with me, then I would follow you back to the U.S. next year. I’d quit my job and move over there with you.” he said, his voice now firm after a shaky start. But his eyes were plaintive.

“I hope this isn’t too much at once and all. I know we’ve only known each other a a couple months. But I also know that right now, at least for me. that you’re the one that I want to be with, no matter what,” he continued, now gently squeezing his leg.

”You’re the one, Luka,” he repeated.

‘What?!’ Lukas said to himself. His head whirling, he thought, ‘get a grip, Lukas!’ He wanted to think carefully about the next words out of his mouth. He started to smile, but there was a pregnant silence between them.

“And there is one more thing about this too, that makes me want to go to America, and I have to be honest with you about it.”

“What’s that?” Lukas asked, almost not believing what he was hearing.

“This is not a safe country for you. It might seem like it. But the reasons that your dad’s family had to leave haven’t completely disappeared. There are still bad people here.” he added. “I grew up with them and they are still very much alive. This place isn’t as de-nazified as a lot of American’s think it is, especially amongst the older people, the people in power. So, I think that going back to the States is right for you in all ways.”

Christoph looked at him, then turned his head toward the window before turning back to him. “Ugh…gosh Lukas, I don’t mean to pressure you at all. I was wondering about how I would say this all to you and all, but if you think it’s premature or anything else I can accept that.’

Now putting his own hand on Christoph’s, he replied, “No, I’m OK. I’m really glad that you said that - all of it. I must admit that I was nervous coming over here, not knowing where things were going with us, or exactly what you thought,” he said, squeezing Christoph’s hand.

“Is this a good time for me to tell you something?”

Now Christoph was the one who looked worried, but Lukas squeezed again.

“You have a great career and life ahead of you here, Chrisso. You’re already special in what you do and the sky is the limit,” he said. “But me as a lawyer? I’m not as sure as you are about my prospects, but more importantly, even my interest. I’ve mentioned to you before about my doubts,” he continued.

“And I’ve been thinking a lot about us, too, and the fact that I need to make a decision about what I’m doing next, and I think I have that decision,” Lukas said, drawing a deep breath.

He could feel Christoph shake slightly. Intuitively, without even thinking, he started to gently stroke his hand.

“You’re the one for me, too,” he said. “And I’m as sure of that as I’ve been of anything in my life,” he said, smiling at him.

“To make this work, what I’d really like to do is move here and take care of you and take care of us. I’ll figure out something to do. Gosh, the important thing is that I like you so much. I can’t imagine having a life without you. I mean, um…I love you, if that isn’t too forward or maybe naïve of me.”

“Me, too,” Christoph replied, practically jumping off the couch to pull him into a kiss, his eyes now watering before he wiped them with his sleeve.

“I don’t care about my career as much as I care about you, Lukas. I’m worried about you living here. I worry whether you’ll be safe,” he whispered in Lukas’ left ear as they embraced, his mouth so close that Lukas could feel his breath. For a moment, Christoph nudged the ear with his nose, causing Lukas to shiver.

“Are you all right?” Christoph asked, pulling away.

“Yes, um…I do that when you touch me,” he answered. “It’s like electricity or something, I don’t know, but be careful,“ he added, smiling.

Lukas continued. “I hear you about it not being safe here for me. My Dad and aunt and uncle might say the same thing, and maybe I’m being naïve again, but I’m not worried. Maybe I should be, but I’m not… not when I’m around you,” he added. “But we should talk about a few other things, too, and maybe put them all together, if that’s OK?” he asked.

Christoph nodded, raising his hand onto Lukas’ shoulder. There was only a flannel shirt and a t-shirt between their skin, and it took all his willpower to control what felt like an electric wire was attached to him.

“I hope that you still feel the same way after I tell you this stuff,’ Lukas said, looking into his eyes as Christoph started to lightly massage him.

“To be honest, I’m so happy now,” Christoph replied,” but I haven’t gotten over the fact that you might like living here. As I said, I don’t feel that you’re safe in this country, so I need to think about that. In the meantime, go on.”

‘Oh, god, that feels so good!’ Lukas thought as he felt the fingers roll over his shoulder before clearing his throat.

“Chrisso, my dad and my mom had an arrangement that was kind of unique to them. Dad worked and mom took care of everything else. But that doesn’t really begin to describe it. She was the boss. Dad worked at the hospital and his clinic and mom ran the home like it was a little business where she was President and Chairman of the Board. She was the law. Dad never worried about anything domestic but relied on mom to do everything that kept the home life going.”

“Every month Dad gave her his paycheck and profits at the end of the year, and she took it to the bank and then he got an allowance, like us kids. It was a bit bigger than ours, of course, but he had to live within the limit like we had to,” he said, chuckling. “But she made sure that the check book balanced as she took care of bills, paid our tuition, bought us clothes, bought his clothes, hired the repairmen, arranged our vacations, everything. She even picked out my dad’s cars and just gave him the keys.”

“She was so thorough and reliable,” he continued. “My Dad, and all of us, were devastated when she died, but he was by far in the worst state - he was practically incapacitated. But it wasn’t only emotional, you know. Her administration of the family was so complete that when she died, my dad hardly knew what to do about the practical tasks around the house. Just in terms of simple things like paying taxes, the water bill, fixing the sink. All that kind of stuff. He, and us kids, depended on her to do all of that.’

“After she passed, it was awkward there. For a while, my sisters and I had to step in and help. That’s when I really got to appreciate all that she did. It took three of us to replace her, along with my accountant cousin and a few others,” he added, chuckling.

“But Mom and Dad had a unique kind of partnership that made it all work for them both and for us kids, too. They were very happy in how they arranged their lives.”

There was a pause, where neither said anything until Christoph nodded, almost to say, ‘continue.’

“The reason I’m telling you this is because that’s how I view a relationship, at least my role in one. Maybe because it’s the only one that I’ve ever known. I can see where it might be a turn-off, but that’s how I picture things. I’ll never be as good of a partner as my mom, but I’ll do the best I can, I promise” he said, looking at the modern-style carpet on the wood floor, but then raised his head up to again look directly at Christoph, unable to decipher any reaction.

“So that’s the deal. You make the money and focus on your work and I’m the family boss and run the house and take care of everything else.”

After his speech, which seemed now like the most important of his young life, Lukas swallowed hard. It didn’t sound like it came out right and he might have just ruined things, he thought, and started to sweat again. But Christoph put both hands on him.

“You know what? I like the idea of you taking care of me. You watch out for me like no one ever has,’ he said, almost sounding like he was going to cry as he wiped his eyes again.

“This is going to sound strange to you, but when other people in my life have bossed me around to make me do things, especially my stepparents, it was only with the purpose of making their life easier and letting them be lazy and irresponsible. It wasn’t to make our lives as a family better or help other people. It was self-centered and worse, and I hated it.”

“But with you, it’s totally different, and that worries me.”

“But why should it worry you?” Lukas asked, perplexed.

“Because it’s the opposite with you. You being, as I think you say in English, ‘bossy’ is always a way of making things easier for me and more difficult for you. You sacrifice for those around you. You always put me and others first and think of yourself second. And it sounds like it was that way for your mom, too.”

Lukas looked at him. “I just want to make your life better, Chrisso. As much as I can. And that’s about the only way that I know how,” he said. “If you want to make me happy, that’s what makes me happy. Let me take care of you, and of us.”

Christoph wiped his eyes again.

“If that’s what I need to do to be with you, I’ll do it,” he responded. “But I won’t let you neglect yourself!” he added firmly,” getting a smile from Lukas.

They continued to look at each other, Christoph ever so slightly sliding over closer to Lukas.

“Oh, and I promise that I’ll improve my German. I know it’s still ‘schlecht’ now, but I’ll work at it,” Lukas added.

“No worries there, ‘Shatzi’ “Christoph replied.

“Shatzi?” Lukas replied.

“It’s like ‘babe,’ or ‘honey’ in English, I think, as least how I hear it in American movies. It literally means ‘treasure,’ but kind of an intimate way of saying it,” he responded. “A little old fashioned, perhaps, but that’s OK with me. Anyway, we’ll work together on the German part. We’ll get you a good tutor and whatever we need to do.”

Lukas smiled back at him. “I hope so, but like I said, I do promise that I’ll work at it,” he replied, then slightly slumped back into the couch, inching closer to Christoph. As he did, he looked at Christoph.

“Was there something else that you wanted to say?” Christoph asked.

“Just one more, but it might be the biggest one,” Lukas responded.

“What’s that?” Christoph asked, staring into his eyes.

“Are you sure that you want to hear it?”

“Yes, I do.”

“If it’s too much, we can discuss it and all. It’s kind of unusual, especially for a gay couple. It’s not a requirement, but I’d really like it if we could.”

“Tell me, Lukas,” Christoph said firmly as he squeezed Lukas’ shoulders, gently shaking him, which got another small smile out of Lukas.

“Ok…hear me out and let me finish, then, OK?

“Yes, of course,” Christoph responded. “Start talking.”

Lukas drew a deep breath, closed his eyes, and started talking.

“I really want to have kids. Maybe we can adopt, and, you know, they are coming out with new ways of conceiving these days in test tubes, believe it or not. And there might be other ways too. I don’t know all the answers right now. But I think that you’d be a great dad and I’d love to raise a family with you.

He looked at Christoph for some sign one way or the other but couldn’t tell what he thought. So, he just plunged ahead.

“This would be the one area where I’m not the boss, at least not all the time,” he added, smiling. “We raise the kids together - we’re both part of their lives. I’ll take care of the day-to-day stuff, just like my mom did for us. But they will know both of their dads.”

Christoph didn’t move, continuing to look right at Lukas.

“I mean, if this is too much…” Lukas started before being cut off.

“When I was a teenager, I’d thought that if I was ever a father that I’d try to be a better parent than either of my stepparents,” Christoph said. “I kind of gave up on that thought when I began to realize what being gay probably meant in terms of kids. But now, if that’s possible somehow, I’d really like that. I would like that very much, very much!”

“And like you say,” Christoph continued, “I don’t know how we do it, but that’s your job to figure out, right?

Lukas smiled. “Yes…um, that’s my job. And it’s also my job to decide where we’ll live and as I already said, we’re going to live here, in Austria. It’s your home, and it was my family’s home for a hundred years, too, at least until my parents’ generation,” he said.

Christoph drew a deep breath and then put his right hand on the cheek of Lukas. “OK. As I said, you’re the boss, so we will stay here. But I have conditions, and you’ll need to accept them for you to stay here or we go to America. OK?”

Instead of reaching back out, Lukas took Christoph’s newly freed hand and wrapped it in both of his own, then stroked it gently. “OK. But remember, this is your last chance for amendments to the agreement?” he said, smiling.

“Yes, I understand. But you might not like them.”

“Anything will be worth it,” Lukas replied as he leaned in towards him.