Keeping Hope - 4. Chapter 4

Keeping Hope Chapter 4

 

I turned to look at Hope, he looked at me. I stared into those beautiful eyes, getting lost in the beautiful colour. I look at his thin lips, still with that small upward curl. I leaned into him and let my lips brush against his own.

 

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As our lips touched, I felt a feeling of love and care, one I had never felt before. The kiss held for all of about ten seconds until Hope jolted back. He turned and ran. He ran in the opposite direction of the rocks we had scaled earlier. I felt an immense feeling of disbelief and frantic dismay. The sporadic feeling of horror rattled inside me for the seconds that I sat there, stunned. Stunned at what I had done, stunned at the way I felt.

 

I got up and bolted after Hope, my heart was pounding like a million jackhammers in my chest. As I ran faster and faster I was catching up with him, he was slowing as if he got the stitch. I managed to grab the cuff of his jacket, he slowed to face me.

 

“I’m soooo sorry Hope! I didn't mean to, I’m sorry…” I pleaded.

 

“Can you just take me home?” He replied croakily going on. Nothing could be seen, he had closed up like a clam. I searched his eyes for a clue, a clue for what was going on inside his head, a clue for anything. I felt as though I should have known what was going on, I felt I was missing a part of my memory.

 

My shoulders dropped. “Okay Hope.”

 

I walked back to the car with Hope in tow, I was embarrassed at what I had done, I did not want to explain it to Celeste or Andy but alas, I knew I would have to.

 

“Let’s go home… Hope isn't feeling well.” I said monotonously.

 

“Okaaay… I suppose we better head back then.” Andy said.

 

“That would be a good idea.” I replied.

 

Celeste looked at me. she knew what was going on. She looked at me with of pity, she pitied the fact that Hope rejected me yet her eyes were betraying her, she was unhappy with the fact Hope did reject.

 

We all climbed back in the car, Hope and I squished in the back yet again for the journey back. We drove in an uncomfortable silence, Hope stared out the window and I stared out mine, occasionally looking to him just in case he gave me a look of hope, a look of regret, a look of sorrow.

 

When we arrived back at Hope’s house he thanked Andy and Celeste and went inside, I felt a strange feeling of worry crawl under my skin, I dismissed it as just me being scared but I knew there was a deeper meaning to that. I kept running through scenarios in my head, scenarios where Hope and I were together, where we never spoke again, where he was silenced, forever.

 

That night I reverted to a practice I used to do, headphones in, pen and paper out. What was I writing? Poetry. Sounds soppy but poetry got me through some tough times, articulating your feelings on paper is strangely therapeutic.

 

‘Your eyes compel me,

Compel me to do things,

Things one should only do out of one power,

The one power of true love.

Seldom does one experience this,

Experience the one power of true love,

The power that cannot be detained,

The power that is given but not taken.

Love is said too much,

Yet not enough,

Like dew on the grass,

Seen yet not appreciated.’

 

 

I still felt as though I was missing something, I decided I needed to ask Celeste. I walked downstairs to find Andy in the kitchen under the instruction of Celeste.

 

“No just chop it slowly, none of that fast slicing nonsense!” Celeste instructed.

 

“For the love of god ghost lady I do know how to cut onions!” Andy exclaimed.

“Umm… Celeste? Can I borrow you for a minute?” I asked above the arguing.

 

“Gladly.”

 

I lead her to the deck out the front of the house.

 

“I feel like I’m missing something, with Hope I mean. I just cant put my finger on it.”

 

“Ahh, I had a feeling you would come to me about this sometime soon. Does it have something to do with this afternoon?”

 

“Kinda…”

 

“Well as you know you can read Hope’s mind, but you can only read it in shadow form, yes?”

 

“Yep.”

 

“But you can’t read his mind in mortal form, nor can you recall any of what you know about Hope in shadow form. Kind of like you kids and your technology, imagine that memory stick you plug into your computer is your shadow form information, then when you go to mortal form the stick is unplugged causing you to forget until your go back into shadow form again.” Celeste explained.

 

“Why is that?”

 

“I can only guess it is like that to keep you from exploiting their weaknesses, but I’m sure there are more sophisticated reasons.”

 

That could explain why I always felt I was missing something. I changed to shadow form.

 

Instantly I knew what I was missing. Hope was gay. That was why the kiss felt right, as if he enjoyed it. I switched back to mortal form and the memory vanished.

 

“See what I mean?” Celeste asked.

 

“Yeah, I couldn't tell you in shadow form then you tell me when I change back?”

“That is against the rules, it against the Guardians Law, sorry.” She apologised.

 

 

“Okay then, thanks for your help.” I said walking back to my bedroom.

Hope was on my mind. He was all I could think about. I looked at the clock. It read 5:30pm. I got up from my desk and lay on my bed, recounting, again. It seemed to be the thing to do with my spare time, although my mind did sometimes drift to finding ways to see my brother again, I longed to hear his sweet laugh and see his cute we grin once more. Alas, I knew it was improbable.

 

Just then my cellphone vibrated, Hope’s name came up. I scrambled to my phone and read the message.

 

‘Sorry.’ Was all it read.

 

To say I panicked would be an understatement. I shoved my phone in my pocket and raced out of the house, not stopping to knock in the Weir’s door I raced to Hope’s room. Knowing full well the door would be locked I located his parents keys, which they conveniently left on their dresser in their room, I opened the door to see a body crouched on the ground. Hope was looking out the window, crying.

 

I closed the door. “Hope?” I said in a shaky voice.

 

No reply. I went over to where Hope was sitting.

 

“You okay buddy?” I asked putting my arm over his shoulder.

 

I heard Hope make a muffled squeak. He then started vomiting into the rubbish bin beside his bed.

 

“Hope!” I scrambled to help him. The vomit was a sickly colour, flecks of red in it.

 

“What did you take Hope?” I asked him quietly.

 

He pointed to an empty sheet of pills. I looked at the orange box beside the sheet ‘HIGHLY CONTROLLED DRUG’ was written in bold characters.

 

I reached for my cellphone, Hope stopped me.

 

“I didn't take them all, just one.” He said in a raspy voice pointing at the floor where white pills lay.

 

“Really?” I asked worried.

 

He nodded. I held him close and let him cry into my shirt. I stroked his head for at least an hour before he calmed down. He fell asleep. I picked him up and put him in his bed. I lay beside him and watched him rest. Creepy? Yes. However, well worth it, he looked so peaceful sleeping, the sporadic scrunching his face up suggested he was having nightmares.

 

It was a few hours before Hope woke. the most disturbing thing was that his parents didn't come up, not even just to check if their son was okay. When he started to wake I started to move away from him, just to give him some space, he grabbed my arm.

 

“Don’t go…” He whispered.

 

“Okay.” I replied softly.

 

I reached into my pocket in search of my iPod when I realised it was still at home. I cursed myself in negligence but in my own defence I was in a rush to get to Hope.

I felt Hope’s breathing slow, I then switched to shadow form. Hope was lying on the pillow as if I was never there. Hope was thinking hard, he was thinking about his parents reacting to his sexuality, his need for love and what a horrible person he was. It made me horridly sad to hear what he was thinking. I switched back to mortal form to be with him.

 

I leaned over to Hope, gave him a peck on the cheek, and lay beside him. I fell asleep. I dreamt I was in the middle of an empty paddock full of thick fog and an evil cackle coming from all around me. I then began to sink into the ground like a stone in mud. I struggled and out of nowhere appeared a girl about my age. She stood and waved as I sunk below the surface. Then I woke. Hope was looking at me, half-asleep.

 

“Hey.” I said quietly.

 

“Hi.” He replied softly.

 

He opened his eyes. His eyes remind me of the greenish blue tinge of the ocean.

 

“How you feeling?” I asked.

 

“Been better.”

 

“Yeah well I can relate.” I said.

 

“Sadly.”

 

“Some of us just go through more than others.”

 

“We do.”

 

We lay in silence for a few minutes, I looked around Hope’s room one picture caught my eyes. Hope and a girl, the girl looked way to familiar.

“Who’s that?” I asked, pointing at the picture.

 

“That would be Ashley. She was my best friend, she left just before you got here. Moved to the states.”

 

“Ahhh okay. Can I borrow your iPod?”

 

“Sure… It’s by my laptop on my desk.”

 

I grabbed it and found the latest All Time Low album, Future Hearts. I put his iPod on the speaker system and went back to his bed.

 

“How long have you been clean?” I asked Hope.

 

“How long what?” He asked quizzically.

 

“The bracelets on your wrists make it somewhat obvious to someone like me.” I replied sadly.

 

“Oh…You first.”

 

“Two months.”

 

“Three days…” Hope replied.

 

I reached over and hugged him tightly. I could remember what it was like to feel like that. Feel as though you mean nothing to the world. To anyone.

 

“If I can do it you can too.” I whispered.

 

“I can’t, that’s the problem. I need to do it.”

 

“I know the feeling Hope, but I can help you if you just let me in.” I replied croakily.

 

He just stared at his roof in silence. ‘Missing you’ started playing from the speakers. I started to softly sing along.

 

 

‘I heard that you've been,

Self-medicating in the quiet of your room,

Your sweet, suburban tomb,

But if you need a friend,

I'll help you stitch up your wounds.’

 

It’s crazy how much people can relate to lyrics, and how songs just come on at the right moments. This song seemed to have an effect on Hope he started crying again.

 

“I’m sorry.” He whimpered.

 

“It’s okay Hope.”

“No it’s not. All I've caused you is misery when you could have been out having fun.”

 

“I’d rather be here with you than be out with fake friends. You are my only true friend.”

 

“You have Finn…”

 

“Yeah but I’m closer too you, for many reasons.” Mainly because I liked him and because I was his Guardian.

 

“Okay.” He said and looked at the roof, contemplating.

 

“Asher…” He asked a few minutes later.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Why did you kiss me today?” I panicked.

 

“Uhh… Um… Well…”

 

“Are you gay?” Hope asked quietly.

 

I sighed. “Yes.” I looked over to Hope. He looked somewhat relieved and scared.

 

“Okay.” He replied quietly.

 

“You’re all good with me?” I asked.

 

“I have no reason not to be.” He replied.

 

I looked at him quizzically. He rolled over to face me.

 

“I have absolutely no problem with you.” He whispered.

 

He was so close to me at that point I could feel his warm breath on my nose. He scooted closer, our noses were touching.

 

“Asher…” He whispered.

“Hope?”

 

“Kiss me for god’s sake.”

 

“Kay.” I replied before kissing Hope. When our lips touched it felt right, I remembered the kiss on the beach. It was nothing as if that he was kissing me back. With a passion.

 

“Wow.” Hope muttered.

 

“What!” I giggled.

 

“You are a good kisser.” He giggled.

 

“So are you, but your my first.”

 

“So are you, but I would've thought you had one already…”

 

“Why?”

 

“Cause your like… Hot!”

 

I blushed. “No I’m not! You are!”

 

I rolled over onto my back and Hope moved closer to my side. I listened to the music playing, Something’s Gotta Give.

 

 

‘Wake me up, say enough is enough

I'm dying to live, something's gotta give

Pull me out of this sinking town

I'm dying to live, something's gotta give’

 

“This is our song.” Hope said to me.

 

I nodded. “Yeah, I guess it is.”

 

“Are you going to go back to see your brother and parents?” Hope asked out of the blue. I wished I could have gone back just one last time to see Jacob, to play with him one last time. I knew this was impossible but it was how it was going to have to go.

 

“Maybe one day in the future, I mean I have family that looks after the headstones.” I replied softly.

 

We heard a knocking on the door, Hope jumped off the bed quick as lightning.

 

“Yeah?” Hope said through the door.

 

“Are you going to come down and join the family or are you just going to stay locked up in your room the whole time?” His mother asked through the door.

 

“Umm… Asher is here right now.” He said as I got up.

 

“Oh… I did not know he was here… Dinner is in ten.”

 

“Be down soon.” He replied.

 

“I better head home.” I said to Hope

 

“Yeah probably…” He replied.

 

“Do you want to stay the night?” I asked hopefully.

 

“Uh… Sure, be over after dinner?”

 

“Cool, see you then.” I kissed Hope on his forehead and went down the hallway. I changed into shadow form and walked down the stairs and into the kitchen where Mrs Weir was drinking wine and finishing cooking dinner. I sat on the artsy couch across the room. Mr Weir walked in and sat at the table.

 

“What’s for dinner?” Mr Weir asked his wife.

 

“Stir Fry.” She replied

 

Hope then came down the stairs, hair still messy from before and he looked extremely tired. He looked cute as all hell. The Weirs sat at the table in silence and started to eat the meal Mrs Weir made.

 

“So Asher was here?” Mrs Weir asked Hope.

 

“Yeah he was.”

 

“It’s good you have a friend but you need more than one.” Mr Weir stated.

 

“Maybe you should start to play rugby…” Mrs Weir chimed in until Hope stopped her.

 

“No, I am not playing rugby.”

 

“Okay okay.”

 

They are in silence for another minute.

 

“Oh I forgot to mention, Ashely is coming to stay with her grandmother for a few months so she’ll be going to school with you.” Mrs Weir said.

 

I heard about Ashley before, but not much had been said about her.

 

“Really?!” Hope asked excitedly.

 

“Yes.”

 

“Cool.” Hope said quieter.

 

The rest of the dinner was eaten in silence. I decided to head home, Hope seemed to be okay. I wandered down the street, thinking. Thinking about what happened this afternoon, thinking about Hope’s soft lips against my own.

 

“I’m Hooooomeeee!” I yelled as I entered the house.

 

“Where were you?” Andy asked as I walked into the kitchen, he was doing the dishes.

 

“At Hopes.”

 

“Ah everything okay over there?” He asked.

 

“Yeah, he’s gonna stay tonight since its Friday, is that okay?”

 

“As long as you don't make too much noise.”

 

“Suuure.”

 

“So I take it you got whatever happened earlier sorted out then?” Andy asked me alluding to me the fact he knew Hope was fine.

 

“Yeah, all sorted.” I said smiling.

 

“You look way to happy, in fact I don't even want to know… Just remember to use protection.” He said seriously.

 

“Aaaaaannndddddyyyyy!” I moaned.

 

“What? I feel as though I am you father figure in your life so you need to be told things that dads are supposed to tell sons!”

 

“Yeah well thanks anyway.”

 

“No worries… By the way, ghost lady went for a walk, if you could call it that anyway. She’ll be back later and your dinner is in the fridge”

 

“Okay.” I said as I took my dinner to my room.

 

I opened my bedroom door and saw a scrapbook lying on my bed. I put the plate of food on my desk, picked it up, and opened to the first page. There were family pictures. I sat on the corner of my bed and flicked through the pages, they were all from when I was born till, well you can guess. I opened the last few pages and there were more recent pictures of my family. Ones secretly taken. Jacob did not look very happy and Mum and Dad looked older. I dropped the book when I heard a knock on my bedroom door.

 

“Asher?” A voice came through the door.

 

I opened it to see Hope standing there with a duffel bag.

 

“Hey!” I said as I pulled him into a hug.

 

“You okay?” I asked.

 

“Better now.” He said

 

“Good.” I said smiling.

 

Hope came into my room and I closed the door, he picked up the scrapbook.

 

“What’s this?” He asked holding it up.

 

“Just a old photo album Aunty brought back for me.”

 

“Do you mind if I take a look?” He asked sitting on the edge of my bed.

 

“I’ll look with you, maybe not the last pages though.” I said.

 

“Okay.”

 

The first picture was Mum holding me and smiling to the camera. Hope giggled and said I looked cute. As we flicked through the album there were pictures that made me laugh and feel guilty. Hope came to stop on one particular picture, that picture was near the end of the album, near the time of my death.

 

“Who’s all those people?” He asked me. The picture was taken at my birthday party, with all my friends from school. I was standing next to Kyle and Stacey.

 

“Those are all my old friends from home, Kyle, Stacey, Andrew, Simon and Kathy. Kyle was my best friend.” I said sadly.

 

“Why ‘was’ your best friend?”

 

“Cause he dropped me when he found out about me.”

 

“Oh…”

 

Hope closed the book.

 

“I think its time for some cheering up after a rough day.” Hope said.

 

“Haha okay then.”

 

He grabbed my laptop, unlocked it and opened the internet browser. He went onto YouTube and went to Troye Sivan’s channel. We watched some of his old videos and laughed, we watched Connor Franta’s videos and had a good laugh. The whole time Hope seemed alive, he seemed like he was enjoying life. I grabbed his hand. He turned to me and blushed as he looked down.

 

“Wanna go for a swim?” I asked.

 

“Race ya!” He winked.

 

I went to my drawers and pulled out my board shorts and Hope had already put his on. He ran out of the room and down the hallway, I shook my head and put my shorts on and followed his laughter. He was waiting at the glass sliding doors they were locked. I ran and got the key and opened the door. Hope jumped into the pool and shook the water out of his hair like a dog. I closed the door and jumped in after him. I came up close to him.

 

“Hey.” I whispered.

 

“Hello.” He smirked.

 

Hope pulled me closer and held his arms around my waist. Our foreheads were pressed together, eyes locked on each other’s. Hope had changed somewhat, I felt the urge to know what he was thinking but I could not, obviously. Hope tilted his head to the side and kissed me hard. He wrapped his legs around my waist and held on to my shoulders with his hands.

 

“You’re perfect, you know that?” Hope said to me Still on my waist.

 

“Nobody's perfect.” I replied.

 

“You’re MY idea of perfect.” Hope said smiling.

 

“I believe you are perfect for me.” I replied. I gave him a quick peck on the lips and pushed him off.

 

“You’re in.” I smirked.

 

“Bitch!” He squealed.

 

We spent at least an hour laughing and swimming around the pool before we got out.

 

“Your all wrinkly.” I pointed out to Hope.

 

“You are too.” He pointed at my fingers.

 

I laughed. “C’mon let’s get this gross pool water off.” I said dragging Hope to my room.

 

“You take my bathroom and I’ll take the spare one.”

 

“Okay.” He replied.

 

I walked out of the room, crossed the hall, and went into the spare bathroom. I showered and dried. Towel around my waist I walked back to my bedroom. Hope was lying on my bed on his iPod listening to Mayday Parade. He watched as I got my change of clothes and pulled them on. I lay on the bed beside him.

 

“So why did you run earlier?”

 

“I was scared.” He replied simply.

 

“Why?”

 

“Well I was scared you were just playing with me.”

 

“I wouldn't do that to you, ever.” I said.

 

“I know that now… It’s just me and my stupid insecurity’s.”

 

“They’re not stupid, they make you.”

 

He yawned. “You shouldn't be yawning. You spent the bulk of the arvo sleeping!” I exclaimed.

 

“Meh.”

 

“Don’t you ‘meh’ me!”

 

“I will ‘meh’ whoever and whenever I feel the need thank you very much!”

 

“Aren’t you just a nice person then.” I said.

 

“I like to think I am.” He said smirking.

 

“Of course you do.”

 

“Should we go down to the waterfront?” Hope asked suddenly after a moment of silence.

 

“Really? It’s kinda cold though…”

 

“Put your puffer jacket on wuss.”

 

“Jeeze, yes Mum.”

 

“Just hurry up lazy.” He said rolling his eyes.

 

We got our jackets on and walked out of the house. We followed the street down till we reached the harbour. The wind was strong and the waves were crashing hard on the beach. The moon was our only source of light, my hand found Hope’s as we sat on the rocks by the busy road. The cold sea wind whipping our hair, the sound of the waves pounded above the noise of the cars speeding down the road. Hope squeezed my hand and I squeezed his back. The smell of the ocean made me think of the holidays I used to go on at the beach house.

 

“So how long is your Aunty here for?” Hope asked referring to Celeste.

 

“Umm well a while I suppose…”

 

“She seems nice.”

 

“Believe me, she is amazing.”

 

Hope just hummed in agreement, he lay his head on my shoulder.

 

“I’m glad you came today.” He said to me.

 

“So am I.”

 

After quarter of an hour, we headed back to the house. Celeste was sitting on the couch looking out the window. I motioned for Hope to go to my room. He nodded.

 

“Good evening.” I said sitting next to her.

 

“How is Hope?” She asked me.

 

“He is okay now.”

 

“You seem awfully happy, what happened?” She asked.

 

“Hope is gay, and kissed me.”

 

“That’s wonderful!” She said to me smiling.

 

“Yeah, I haven’t asked him to be my boyfriend yet… Do you think he will?”

 

“I can see the way he looks at you. I think he will be over the moon.”

 

“Really?!” I asked excitedly.

 

“I would think so.”

 

I switched to shadow form and hugged her.

 

“You are growing up on poor old me.” She sniffed.

 

“Not really, just happy for the first time on a long time.”

 

“I remember when you were born you had this special glow around you. I knew you were going to turn out to be an amazing person, I was correct. You passed through to the Guardians world and now you have a second chance at life.”

 

“I better go see Hope now, take care Celeste.” I said giving her one last hug.

 

“You probably should.”

 

I walked up the stairs and found Hope sitting on my office chair.

 

“You tired yet?” I asked Hope.

 

“Wee bit yeah.” He said yawning, causing me to yawn.

 

“Bed time then?” I asked.

 

“Yeah that’s probably a good plan.” He said.

 

I stripped off to my boxers and climbed into bed, not caring about hiding my scars. Hope stood hesitantly beside my bed.

 

“Well get in!” I said.

 

Hope slowly took his clothes off and climbed into bed staying on one side of the bed.

 

“Are you just gonna sleep over there?” I asked.

 

“Huh what?”

 

I grabbed his arm and pulled him towards me, his body head radiating onto my chest.

 

“Goodnight.” I said to Hope.

 

“Night.” He said.

 

We both fell into a well-deserved sleep.

 

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