Painted In Gold - 5. I Witnessed a Drowning

As soon as he was gone
she changed. As in never
the same. As in she’d gone
through a complete mental
breakdown and I had front
row seats to the worst
show of my life.
Every time I looked up,
her eyes had tears,
her nose was red, and
her face was blank.
She’d look away and
sorry seemed to be the only
word that I could say.
I could never say that
everything would be okay
because day to day
everything was different.

I walked behind her every
day, leaving footprints in
the train of tears she left
behind, waiting for her
to crumble, ready to catch her.
though she was too heavy
to hold, I still felt the
inherent obligation to
cushion her downfall and
it happened often, but
that was all I could do.

After that, I had to watch
her descend into complete
darkness and sometimes she
was gone for weeks without
any word. Not one word.
I watched my mother sink
deep into the cold abyss of
depression and not even try
to get to the surface.
Was she searching for something
in the depths of that underworld?
Was she searching for him?
I can never know, but can’t
help but wonder. I spent
most of my childhood
wondering and waiting.
Waiting for the answer to
come floating to the surface,
and for her to break through,
gasping for air and ready
to come home.