Mind Over Matter - 11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

I bounced on the balls of my feet, trying to be patient as the woman in front of me spoke to someone on the phone. I’d spent two whole hours on Sunday talking with a friend of Mr. Winters’ – a psychotherapist by the name of Maire O’Connell – and wanted to surprise Adam by visiting him on his lunch break to tell him the news. Although I was a long way from being cured of my problems, I already felt a lot better than I had two days ago.

There had been a couple of times when my mood went downhill. Once, when I realized that Adam hadn’t called during his break as he’d said he was going to, and again during my first hour with Maire when I’d told her about the events leading up to my eighteenth birthday. She, like Adam, had said that I was a victim of emotional abuse through neglect and that I’d spent the next year or so pushing the problem aside instead of dealing with it.

I also told her about the visit from my mother. I gave her the papers from the lawyer, sitting quietly in an overstuffed chair in her living room while she read them. When she was finished, Maire looked at me. “The way I see it,” she’d said, waving the pages. “You can either take this as it is on the surface – as the ultimate form of rejection – or…”

“Or?” I asked when she didn’t continue.

“Or you can read deeper into it,” she went on. “And you can see it as the ultimate permission to live your life as you choose.”

I stared at my hands. “It still hurts, though.”

Maire nodded. “It does hurt,” she agreed. “But as a wise monkey once said… you can either live with it or learn from it.”

I snickered. “A wise monkey – right.”

“Hey… there’s a wealth of important life lessons to be learned from Disney, you know,” she countered, holding out the papers. In a quieter voice she added, “And you can always try to talk to them again later. When you’re ready.”

Stuffing the letter back in its envelope I asked, “When will that be?”

“You’ll know. In the meantime I have some homework for you.”

That was how I managed to be here, standing at the admission desk in a hospital forty minutes from home, waiting for a receptionist to tell me where I could locate Adam. Maire’s ‘homework’ consisted of sitting down and telling him that I was trying to get some help and that I needed his support. “I’m sure he’ll want to be there for you,” she’d said. “But saying it out loud will help the both of you. For him it’ll mean you’re not pushing him away and for you it’ll confirm that he really does want to be there for you. It’s one thing to know that in your head, but you need to hear it for yourself, out loud, straight from him.”

I dragged myself out of my reverie as the receptionist hung up the phone. “Dr. Farris is in the cafeteria right now,” she said. “Take elevator nine to the basement and turn right when you get off – it’s at the end of the corridor.”

I thanked her and hurried to the bank of elevators, jabbing the button next to the doors she’d indicated. After what seemed like forever they finally opened and I stepped inside, pushing the little white square next to the letter ‘B’.

As I neared the cafeteria, I could hear dishes clattering and the sound of many voices talking loudly. I hesitated in the doorway, scanning the room for Adam, doubt creeping into my mind. Was this a good idea? What was I going to do, walk up to him while he was in the middle of a conversation with other doctors and say, “Adam, I need to talk to you?” Well… actually that might work.

There. In the corner next to the window. He was sitting with another man, laughing and talking. Despite the obvious good humor, I could see lines of fatigue around his eyes. My heart went out to him. He’d been working so hard, probably worrying about me, too…

I took a couple of steps toward them and then froze. The man sitting beside Adam had suddenly wrapped an arm around his shoulders, pulled him close and then… kissed him! Right on the mouth! It didn’t look as though there was tongue involved but… I felt my heart stop beating.

Adam looked up at that moment and his eyes met mine. His smile slowly faded as he recognized me. The guy next to him frowned in confusion as he tried to see what Adam was looking at. “Adam, what…?” he said.

“Joey.” I saw, rather than heard him speak my name. As he rose from the table I turned and raced back down the hallway. I punched the button for the elevator but the doors didn’t open right away. Spying a sign around the corner reading ‘Stairs’, I ran over to a metal door and pushed it open.

I burst out of the stairwell, glancing around to get my bearings, and then ran for the front door. As I reached them I thought I heard Adam call my name but I didn’t look back. I crossed the parking lot to my car in ten seconds flat, jamming the key in the lock and wrenching the door open. The starter whined for a moment before it caught, giving me a chance to panic, and then I was practically flying across the parking lot. I slowed down as I reached the entrance, glancing in my rearview mirror once at Adam’s retreating shape. I barely took the time to check for traffic before pulling out onto the road and heading for the freeway.

The ride home took twice as long as the ride out, due to the fact that I’d had to pull over a couple of times to get my crying under control. I hadn’t been this emotional since I’d left my parents’ house over a year ago and it was wearing me out. By the time I finally parked my car behind my building and climbed the stairs to my apartment I was physically and emotionally drained. I just wanted to climb into my bed and sleep forever.

It was dark inside. I flipped on the light beside the door and gasped as I recognized the figure sitting at one end of the couch. “Wh-what are you doing here?” I stammered.

“Waiting for you.” Adam pushed himself to his feet and walked over to where I was standing, reaching behind me to close and lock the door. “I got a key from George,” he added.

I didn’t answer. My cheeks burned with embarrassment and humiliation. Why was he doing this? What did he want from me? More importantly, what did he want from me that he was now getting from that other guy? I knew I was being petty – that I should just ask him what happened – but part of me just wanted to wallow in indignation. He had no right, dammit!

Adam stood beside me, silently waiting for me to say something. When I didn’t he took a deep breath and said, “Joey, I’m not involved with him. He’s a good, dear friend – probably the best friend I’ve ever had – but he’s as straight as an arrow.” He placed his hands on my shoulders and turned me to him. “Are you ever going to talk to me again?”

I shook my head, keeping my eyes focused on his shirt. I wanted to stay mad at him. I wanted him to realize how much he’d hurt me by walking out the other night, by canceling our… vague… plans for Saturday, by not calling when he said he would. I wanted to, but I could feel myself relaxing into his touch. Dammit.

“I couldn’t stay here that night,” he said, reading my thoughts again. How the hell did he do that? “You were too upset and I… I couldn’t stay here and watch you tear yourself apart again. It just got to be too much, you know?” I sniffled pathetically. Any minute now and the waterworks would start up again. “Saturday I really did have to work. I admit that I didn’t protest too much – working kept my mind off of… other things – but they called me, not the other way around.” I studied the button in front of me in silence. “I’ve been working pretty much ever since. If I wasn’t on the ward then I was on call. People think that we shrinks have it easy with our fancy offices and upholstered couches, but really we can be just as busy as an ER resident.”

Adam placed an index finger under my chin, forcing me to lift my head. “On the way here I phoned my boss,” he said softly. “She agreed to let me have Tuesday and Wednesday off.” I looked up. His beautiful gray eyes were ringed with shadows and lines of fatigue. My chest hurt at the thought of the torment I’d put him through. “Forgive me?” he whispered.

My eyes traveled down to his mouth. His full lips were still parted from his last words. Suddenly I really wanted to taste them – and my stomach wasn’t protesting. I met his gaze. “Okay.”

He pulled me against his chest, wrapping his arms around my back. I froze for a second and then burrowed my face into the soft fabric of his shirt. My hands slid around his waist almost of their own volition. Adam’s sigh of relief echoed my own as I realized how much I’d needed this – just to be held by someone. It had been so long…

I choked back a sob as my arms tightened around him. As messed up as I was, I knew that I couldn’t let Adam go. The thought that I’d been trying so hard to keep him away made me feel ashamed. Maire was right – I had to look at my parents’ rejection as their loss and my gain. I had my own apartment, a great job, good friends and a man that I loved right here…

Whoa. Loved? I thought about that for a second. Yeah.

I lifted my head. “Come on,” I said.

Adam’s eyes widened slightly. “Where are we going?”

I pulled out of his embrace, took his hand and led the way to the bedroom. “To get some sleep,” I answered. “We could both use it.” Inside we both stripped down to our boxers and climbed under the covers. I laid down on my right side and Adam curled up behind me, his right arm under my head and his left wrapped around my waist. As comfortable as I was, I could still feel the tension in his body. “What’s the matter?” I asked.

“Are you okay?”

I scooted even closer, if that were possible. “I’m alright,” I assured him. “Don’t worry.”

He still seemed unconvinced. “You’re not going to get sick on me, are you?”

I turned to look up at him. “I’ve been talking to someone,” I replied. “I was going to tell you today, but…” I hesitated at the troubled look in his eyes. “We’ll talk about it later,” I said instead. “Right now we both need some sleep.”

“As long as you’re sure,” Adam said. “I wouldn’t want you to puke on me.”

“Not tonight, babe,” I quipped, kissing his bicep. “I have a headache.” I fell asleep to the sound of his warm, throaty chuckles.