Solace - 1. Solace

Solace

“Danny?”

“Yeah?” I responded, not taking my eyes off the TV. It had been a long day and all I wanted to do was relax on the couch and put in a few hours of nonsensical reality show time.

“You busy?”

I shrugged, even though I didn’t know if he was actually looking at me. “Not especially. Just unwinding from work,” I said without much effort. “Why, what’s up?”

“Can we maybe talk for a little bit?”

Finally, I looked away from the TV. It wasn’t the kind of thing I was used to Jason saying. He wasn’t a very emotional guy, but the way he worded the question sounded like he had something serious to talk about. I eyed him from across the room, where he was standing in the doorway with a beer in each hand. “Sure, man, what’s up?”

He walked into the room, seeming tense. He handed me one of the bottles and sat on the opposite end of the couch. “I just have a lot on my mind lately, and I feel like I need to get it off my chest.” He stared down at his beer, turning it in his hands. I realized he hadn’t looked at me once since entering the room.

“Is everything okay?” I asked, clicking the power button on the remote. If it was as serious as it seemed, I wanted to give him my full attention. We’d been roommates for three years, and by that point we were best friends. We met in senior year of college and had been basically inseparable since. If he needed to have a deep conversation, I wanted to be there for him.

He nodded. “Yeah, it’s nothing like that. Everything is okay, I’m just… I don’t know, man. I’m just really confused, I guess. I’ve had some stuff going on in my head for a while and I just think I need to talk to somebody about it before it gets the best of me.”

I didn’t really know what to say. I wasn’t sure how to respond to it. He didn’t speak up again though, and I knew I needed to be supportive, so I said, “so… what’s going on?” It felt a little brash, but it was the only thing I could think of to keep him talking.

“I just realize I’ve been unhappy for a while. I feel lost,” he said, the slightest hint of a quiver playing at his voice.

It made me a little nervous. I had no clue what he was talking about. “Um, in what way? Like with work? Is there something going on with your family?” I took a drink of my beer. The cool rush of the alcohol down my throat helped ease me a little.

Shaking his head, he slowly looked up and looked me in the eye. Never before had I ever seen him look so sheepish. “How did you know you were gay?”

Fuck me. Was he coming out to me? Was this really happening? Or was he just confused? Maybe living with a gay guy for three years had thrown some cogs out of whack in his brain.

“I, uh… I don’t know, man. I just knew. How does someone know they’re straight? It’s just something you feel within yourself, I guess.” I finished my beer.

He cleared his throat. “I mean, I guess it’s something we’ve never really talked about in depth, but like… did you struggle with the thoughts, ever?” His beer was still full, and I assumed he was using it more as a distraction technique than actually wanting the drink.

“Yeah, a little. It’s weird knowing that you’re different from most people. I was worried for a while that there was something wrong with me, but once I finally realized that there wasn’t, I came to grips with it and I’ve always been happy.” I studied him, the downtrodden look on his face. “Are you… do you think you might be… Jace, what’s going on in your head right now?”

“Yeah,” he said simply, and I took it to be an affirmative response to my unasked question.

“Are you sure?”

He let out a small, slightly sarcastic chuckle. “Of course I’m not sure, that’s why I’ve got so much stuff going on in my head. I wanted to talk to you about it so maybe you could help me figure it all out.”

“You don’t think it’s just from spending so much time with me, do you?” That sounded lame. But Jason had never struck me as gay, in any sense. And as soon as I thought it, I realized how ignorant that thought was. As a gay man, I should know better than to pigeonhole someone’s sexuality. I hated being stereotyped. So Jason was a jock, manly by the cliché sense of the word. He didn’t groom himself all that well, and he certainly had no fashion sense. But that didn’t mean that I should be so doubtful of what he was telling me. I had come into this conversation trying to be supportive, and instead I was starting to act like a jerk.

Thankfully, he didn’t seem to take it that way. He was probably still so in his head about it that he didn’t notice. “I don’t think that at all. To be honest, I’ve had these feelings and thoughts for a long time. Before I knew you, even. I think that’s why a part of me bonded so well with you when we first met; you were this openly gay man that was so sure of himself, and confident. I think I saw it as a way to finally start figuring myself out.”

Between our meeting senior year and living together since, we’d known each other for a total of four years. And I had never had any idea that he was going through this. “So, uh… why haven’t you brought this up sooner?”

His shoulders fell. I could tell he was still not completely comfortable having the conversation. But it was also clear that he needed to get it out. “I don’t know. There have been times I’ve almost said something. I always just doubted myself. I think it finally just got to a point where I couldn’t take it anymore.” In truth, I had noticed that he had become more sullen over the past couple months. I truly had just assumed he had been having a rough time at work, and since we weren’t ones for overly-deep talks, I never said anything.

“So, have you… experimented at all?” I asked. It felt weird talking about this with him. We of course had talked about our personal hookups to one another, but I never thought I’d be asking him about fooling around with other guys.

“No,” he said. I couldn’t fathom, at 25, and feeling like you might be gay, not having ever even kissed another man before. “Obviously I’ve thought about it. A lot. But I’ve never found myself in a situation in which I’ve been comfortable enough to do so. I wouldn’t want it to be with a random guy, you know? It’s a big deal for me, so I would want there to be some kind of meaning behind it.”

I nodded. That made sense, of course. My first few sexual encounters hadn’t been meaningful at all. I didn’t necessarily regret it, but there was a part of me that wished the firsts had been more special. It felt like a romance novel, having thoughts like that, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t true.

We sat there in silence for a little while, me unsure of what else to say. I was sure he felt the same way too. Eventually, I stood up. “I’m gonna grab another beer,” I said. Jason, at that point, seemed to realize his drink was still full. He chugged it swiftly, and it was clear that he felt a weight lifted off his shoulders just by laying everything on the table. I grabbed his empty and tossed both in the trash on the way to the fridge. As I fetched two more, I hesitated. With him opening up to me and revealing that he wanted his first experience with a guy to be meaningful… was he hinting something? Was he into me?

The thought panicked me, because I certainly wasn’t into Jason. I loved the guy, sure. And he was very attractive. But I had never thought of him in that way. Regardless of if I had thought he was straight or not, I’d never looked at him as someone I wanted to sleep with. I steeled myself as I reentered the living room. He hadn’t moved. He was fidgeting with his hands and eagerly took the fresh beer, likely glad to have that distraction again.

As I settled back down, he spoke up again. “So… what do you think?”

I glanced at him. “What do I think? I mean… it caught me by surprise, that’s for sure. I wasn’t expecting it. But I think if it’s something you’re feeling, you should absolutely try to sort out your feelings. I’m glad you came to talk to me. I want you to be happy, Jace. Whatever I can do to help, you know I’m here for you.”

He smiled, finally, but just barely. He looked me in the eye. “Thanks, Danny.” Before I knew what was happening, he took his free hand and placed it over mine. Shit. “You mean a lot to me, you know. I’m glad I have you.”

I let out a fake cough and muttered, “me too.” Maybe I was being presumptuous. Maybe the touch was just out of friendship and not because he wanted something more. But he didn’t pull it away. He was still looking at me. He put his bottle on the floor and scooted closer to me. No, no, no. Don’t do this, Jason. But it was happening. He began to lean in, slowly, and before I knew it my best friend was kissing me. I wanted to stop him, to tell him that I didn’t feel that way about him. But he had just unloaded a deep-rooted secret on me and I was afraid rejecting the advance would cause a downward spiral. The last thing I wanted to do was to throw him back into that depression. So I let him kiss me.

Everything was happening so fast. Less than an hour ago, I had arrived home from work and settled down on the couch to watch TV like any other evening. And now, my formerly closeted best friend and roommate had his lips pressed to mine.

At first I didn’t kiss back, but I didn’t want him to realize that anything was wrong. So I opened my mouth to his, and we found a rhythm. I had to admit that he was good at it. It felt good, physically, but mentally I was still not there. Thankfully it wasn’t an extended kiss, and he pulled back before long. His smile broadened. “That was… yeah. That felt right.”

I smiled back, though inside I was far from happy. I didn’t want to be doing this, but again, I didn’t know how to prevent it from happening without making him feel like an absolute fool. I knew what it was like to make advances on someone who didn’t return the feeling, and it wasn’t pleasant. I could only imagine it would be intensified in someone who had just revealed a secret that they hadn’t shared with anyone before.

The kiss seemed to open up the floodgates, however, in a positive way. He began talking with more ease, revealing all of the thoughts he’d had over the years. He seemed much more comfortable as he talked about everything he had been too afraid to in the past.

Throughout his monologue, I only had to interject here or there with a “wow” or “right” to show that I was paying attention. He went on for hours, and between the two of us we finished a case of beer. It’s amazing how much you can drink when you’re just listening to someone talk. And honestly, I was glad he was able to unload it all. Clearly it was several years’ worth of repression that had just been waiting to see the light.

But of course, eventually the conversation began to dwindle. As the beers sank in and the night wore on, we both began to feel a little sluggish. “We should probably head to bed,” I mumbled, checking the time on my phone.

He nodded, and we both stood up. He grabbed my hand again. “Can I sleep in your room tonight?” he asked, a hint of coyness returning to his tone. Though more confident than he had been at the beginning of our conversation, his shyness was still evident in the question.

And once again I was at a loss. I didn’t want him to sleep in my room. But I didn’t know how to say that to such a forward question. Plus we were drunk, so my decision-making skills were worse now than they had been a few hours ago. “Sure,” was all I could muster. Damn it, Danny.

As he turned off all the lights and made a trip to the bathroom, I slunk into my bedroom. Normally I slept in my underwear, but I felt a little odd about it tonight. I shed my jeans and pulled on a pair of basketball shorts, and left my t-shirt on. I crawled into bed and waited for Jason to join me. A sentence I never thought would cross my mind.

And he did, soon thereafter. Once he neared the edge of the bed, he took his shirt and pants off and dropped them on the floor. Wearing nothing but boxer briefs, he settled into my bed next to me. We were silent for a while, as had happened several times that night. I stared at the ceiling, hoping this meant we would just go to sleep. I was sure I could reason things out a bit better in the morning when the booze had worn off.

However, I eventually felt Jason turn onto his side, facing me, and his hand found its way under my shirt and up to my chest. His fingers softly grazed the skin there, running my sparse chest hair through his fingers. For being new to this, some of the things he was doing were done with ease. “Thanks for listening to me tonight,” he said quietly. “It means a lot to me.”

“Of course,” I said, my tone equally as hushed.

He removed his hand from under my shirt and up to my chin, at which point he gently pulled my face toward his. We kissed again, though it was a little sloppier considering the amount of alcohol we had consumed. It also intensified faster, and I felt him moving his hand once again. This time he slid it down to my waistband. I swallowed. And sure enough, he hesitantly slid his fingers underneath both layers and to my crotch.

I immediately began to get hard. I am still a man after all, and another man’s hand on my dick is going to cause a reaction regardless. He moaned into my mouth. He caressed me for a while, which resulted in a full-fledged erection. At that point, he slid my shorts and underwear down my legs. Where the meek Jason had gone, I didn’t know, but he was lowering himself under the covers and his mouth soon found my shaft.

It wasn’t long at all before I felt that long-forgotten pain of teeth grazing the skin. Fuck. It had been a while since I’d had an inexperienced blowjob. “Jace, Jace, I think this is something you want to try for the first time when you’re sober,” I said. I didn’t know how else to word it, and it for sure could have been more blunt. So I was happy with the way it came out.

It didn’t seem to upset him; if it did, it didn’t quell his appetite. He sidled back up next to me and whispered, “Are you a top or bottom?”

Of all the things that had occurred that night, for some reason that question caught me by the most surprise. “What?”

“Top or bottom?” he repeated awkwardly.

I didn’t know what else to do but answer honestly. “Vers,” I said. And upon realizing that he didn’t seem sure what that term meant, I added: “Both.” I knew exactly what he was getting at. “Are you sure you want to do this? Don’t you think this is all happening a little fast? You just really came to grips with all of this today.”

“I’m sure,” he said, and once again it didn’t seem like he had taken any offense to what I’d said. “I’m not a virgin, the sex part isn’t intimidating. It’s exciting. Yeah, I just opened up about everything today. But I’ve felt this way for a long time. And I want my first time with a guy to be with someone who means a lot to me.”

Well, shit. “Okay,” was all I could think to say.

He kissed me again, a brief yet lingering contact that I felt his passion in. He really felt something for me. “Do you have condoms?” he asked as he discarded his own underwear.

“Drawer,” I said simply, and he rifled around in my nightstand until he found one. He tore open the package and applied it with ease. He slid his legs between mine and steadied himself. “Whoa,” I said, putting my hand to his chest to stop him. “Gay sex requires lube. There’s some in the drawer.”

He fished that out as well, but hesitated. “Do I just put it on me, or you? Or both?” Had he not watched any gay porn in his years of closetedness? I took the tube from him and applied some to myself before moving to him. Damn, he was big. I added a little more for good measure. I clicked the tube closed and dropped it back in the drawer. “Ready?” he asked.

“Are you?” I asked back. I could just make out a smirk on his face in the darkness as he centered himself. I couldn’t help but groan as he pushed into me. Though he was well-equipped, it wasn’t so big that it hurt. It felt good. Really good.

Although he had never been with another guy before, it was still obvious that he knew what he was doing. He found a just-off-rhythm pace in his thrusts that kept the pleasure racing through me. There were a couple times that he did go a little too deep, in which cases I winced, but otherwise I had to admit that it was probably some of the best sex I’d ever had.

It was clear that it was a good experience for him too, as it wasn’t long before he came. “Fuck, Danny,” he said through gritted teeth as I felt his body tense. After he regained his composure, he pulled out of me and rolled over onto his back. “That was… amazing. Next time, I want to try it the other way.”

I didn’t respond, and he didn’t add any more. I heard soft snores from his side of the bed before long, and I once again found myself staring at the ceiling. It was good sex, there was no doubt about that. And I cared for Jason. More than almost anybody. But my feelings hadn’t changed.

As I finally drifted off to sleep myself, I hoped the morning would bring more clarity.

A sliver of light broke through the blinds on my bedroom window and across my face, which prompted me to wake up. I had the slightest of headaches, which could have been worse considering the amount of beer I drank and skipped dinner.

Part of me was surprised that Jason wasn’t still in my bed. I had half-expected him to be laying there watching me as I woke. I swung my legs over the edge of the bed and realized I was still naked from the waist down. I located my shorts from somewhere within the tangle of sheets and pulled them on.

As I made my way into the living room, I saw Jason pouring two cups of coffee in the kitchen. “Perfect timing!” he said as he brought them to our small table and sat down. I joined him and immediately sipped at the mug. As I replaced it on the table, he leaned over and gave me a quick peck. “Last night was so important to me. Thank you.”

Even after a night’s rest to think on the events that had transpired, I still felt the same way. It was going to be hard to tell him how I really felt, but I knew I had to. “About that…” I said softly.

He sat back in his chair and frowned. “Did I do something wrong?”

“It’s not that. Not at all. The sex was… well, it felt great. You’re good at it. And you’ve got a great dick,” I said, and it was all true.

“So what’s up?” he asked. He stared at me, his coffee untouched.

I didn’t really know how to tell him how I felt. After everything we’d been through over the past several hours, especially. I was sure at the very least I’d hurt his feelings. “So last night was… it was good. And you mean so much to me, Jace. You really are my best friend. But I just don’t think I feel the same way as you. I love you, but I don’t have romantic feelings toward you.”

I was nervous to make eye contact with him, but I forced myself to look him in the face. He didn’t look sad, he didn’t look angry… he didn’t really look anything, in fact. His face was stony. “So why would you let me kiss you? Why would you sleep with me?”

I was really sticking my foot in my mouth. I didn’t exactly know how to tell him why I’d allowed everything to happen the night before considering I didn’t share his feelings. But I had to. “It’s not that it wasn’t meaningful. It meant something, it really did. I know how much you wanted your first experience to be with someone important to you and I could tell how much you wanted it to be me. And I am so glad I could give that to you.”

It was then that the anger did start to bubble up within him. “Give that to me? You didn’t give me anything if you don’t share those feelings. If you don’t feel that way about me, I could have slept with just about anyone and it wouldn’t have made a difference. I opened up to you, I shared all of these things that I’ve struggled with for so long. You shouldn’t have even let me kiss you, you should have stopped it before it went that far if that’s really how you feel. It wasn’t supposed to be a favor, Danny, it was supposed to be something that meant something to both of us. I feel like a damn idiot!”

He stood, and without looking at me again made his way to his own bedroom and slammed the door. That felt about right. I really fucked this one up.

I barely saw Jason over the next week. He wouldn’t respond to me when I tried to talk to him, wouldn’t respond to my texts or answer my calls. He locked himself in his room whenever he was home, which was rare.

And then one day, when I came home, I went to knock on his door as I had every day since our fight. I didn’t really expect a response, but I wasn’t ready to give up yet. But when I knocked, I realized the door was ajar. So hesitantly, I pushed it open.

The room was empty. His bed, his clothes, everything was gone. He’d moved out. There was no note, no sign that he planned on coming back whatsoever.

He blocked me on all of his social media platforms and continued to decline my calls and ignore my texts. I don’t know where he moved to, if he was still in town or if he decided to go somewhere else. I never heard from him again, in fact.

It still haunts me to this day that I lost my best friend because I wasn’t just honest with him from the start. He unloaded so much on me and revealed so much of his own truth that I was too scared to be honest with him for fear of hurting his feelings. And in doing so, I accomplished exactly what I didn’t want to. I had blurred the line between support and humiliation. One poor choice destroyed my relationship with Jason. I guess telling someone what they want to hear isn’t always the best decision to make, and I’ll never forget that.

End