How The Light Gets In - 5. Chapter 5

“I don’t know if that’s the best idea,” his mother said when Luc told his parents that Scott had found him a roommate. “You’ve never met this young man. He’s quite a bit older than you. What if you don’t get along?”

“We’ll get along,” Luc told her, smiling the small, calm smile he’d perfected over the last few weeks. “He needs a quiet place, and I’m a quiet person. He’s just going to be my roommate, after all. And the condo’s large. There is plenty of privacy for both of us.”

But his mother was uneasy. “I don’t know, petit,” she said. “How well does Scott know him?”

“Not really well,” Luc was forced to admit. “Matthew just arrived on campus last week. But Scott knows his brother really well. So do I.”

That was a bit of a stretch, but Luc felt justified; he certainly knew Bran well enough to say hello, and had spent some time around him with Scott and Laura. Bran was a decent guy. More importantly, he trusted Scott.

“He won’t be a total stranger, Maman.”

“But it’s a – a delicate situation,” she said carefully, studying him with a worried frown. “We need to be sure he understands…” Her voice trailed off.

“He understands, Maman,” said Luc simply. “Scott talked to him. He says Matthew has had some problems too, problems that he’s resolved. That’s why he dropped out of school – to work them through.”

“But he will need to be comfortable with you being--”

“He will be comfortable,” said Luc softly, and to his own surprise, calmly. “He’s gay too, Maman.”

The words were out before Luc quite realized it. For the first time, he had openly acknowledged his orientation. He could hardly believe that now, after all these years, the words had slipped from his lips as… as easy as that.

His parents knew of course. Everyone knew. They’d all tried to talk to him about it - his parents, his brothers, the series of psychiatrists and therapists.

But no matter how many times he’d been told the fact that he was gay changed nothing about their feelings for him, Luc himself had known in his heart that it changed everything. Ever since Daniel…

He looked at his father, whose smile was totally accepting. At his mother, who looked like she was about to cry – good tears, relieved tears. Luc reached out and touched her hand, and wondered why this had been so impossible for him until now.

Maybe it was because it had been the unspoken elephant in the room for so many years. Maybe it was because going back to Nova Scotia meant so much. Or maybe it was just because, having lost Daniel and Scott, he had nothing left to lose.

“So?” he asked finally. “It is settled then? I want to return on the weekend.”

But his mother turned her hand beneath his and gripped it.

“I still don’t know, Luc. I’m also worried about you moving away just now, the timing,” she said finally. “Why don’t we wait until the end of the month? The splint will be off and the surgeons here can check your hand and set up your rehab--”

“No,” said Luc firmly. “I want to do that there, Maman. The surgery was done there.”

“Maybe in a couple of weeks--”

Suddenly, he realized exactly what her real concern was. She was afraid of the anniversary. She wanted him here, where they could keep an eye on him, on the anniversary of Daniel’s – of what Daniel had done.

For an instant, he’d felt that familiar rush of panic, but he fought it back.

“I know what you’re afraid of,” he said softly. “I don’t know how to make you believe it, but you don’t have to worry about that. Not again. But I think it will be better for me to be at the university now.”

He looked from his mother to his father, and then played his trump card.

“It would be better for me to be away from here on the 18th,” he told them. “It’s time. It’s past time. There are just too many memories here. It makes it harder.”

Tears ran down his mother’s cheeks, and for once it was his father who spoke.

“I think perhaps we should have a talk with Scott,” he said. “I’m sure he can answer all your mother’s questions about this young man, and help us deal with the practical matters.”

***

“Joshua!”

The syllables hung in the air, and Josh trembled.

“God, yes,” he whispered as, thrilled and humbled and proud, he claimed Scott’s mouth – and his own name.

His kiss and Scott’s response to it were so hard, so urgent and hungry, that he felt he could die of them. It was as if they were determined to consume one another’s very air. And finally, finally, when their bodies were spent and their mouths had stilled, he collapsed across Scott’s chest, literally breathless, barely conscious.

“Joshua,” Scott groaned again.

Josh buried his face against Scott’s neck and grazed his bruised and tender lips across the heated skin. He breathed deeply, flicking his tongue to savour the sheen of salt on Scott’s skin.

Then, for a while, they quieted together, holding close, nuzzling gently. As the sweat cooled, Scott pulled the duvet up around them, and for a few precious heartbeats, nothing mattered but the skin to skin reality of this moment.

But slowly, inevitably, the world reasserted itself, and Josh felt the worry inch back. And though he gloried in the tender contact, he could not quite relax. Scott had started him on this journey, and now he had to know it all.

He waited as Scott’s heartbeat slowed and his breathing quieted. Finally, he could wait no longer. He took a deep breath, braced himself.

“And then?” he murmured into Scott’s neck.

“And then what?” Scott asked, pulling Josh closer in those powerful arms.

“Luc,” said Josh softly. “You said you needed me to know everything.”

“That was everything,” Scott answered drowsily, rubbing his cheek against Josh’s hair. “And I’m so sorry. I know it was wrong. I knew it then. I was sorry even before – before it was over. I’m not trying to make excuses, it’s just – I don’t even know how to explain it to myself. I didn’t really know what I wanted. I didn’t know what you wanted. I had thought, before you and I – well, before – I had thought maybe Luc and I…”

The explanation trailed out. Josh waited.

“He just seemed so – so certain,” Scott said finally. “And… I don’t know. I told Bran I was thinking with my dick.”

“You what?” Josh pulled away, moved to sit up. That was the first thing Scott had ever said that truly shocked him. “You actually told Bran about – about you and Luc?”

Scott laughed softy and pulled Josh back down into his arms. “I told Bran about me and a lot of things,” he said. “He’s been my friend, my confidant, the person I could trust. Normally, I have my uncles to talk to, but they’re not here, and then Ry’s father died. I was pretty confused. About Luc – and about you.”

Josh let Scott draw him back down, but he lay stiff, uncertain. Scott buried one hand in his hair, and with the other caressed circles against his shoulder.

“Relax,” he said softly, pressing careful, barely-there kisses against Josh’s ear and then trailing them slowly and sweetly down the side of his neck to his collar bone. “There were no details, I promise. Just... just that I had, and I shouldn’t have…”

He grazed Josh’s throat gently with his teeth, and despite himself, Josh trembled.

Scott worked his way back up Josh’s neck to his ear. “Bran was always telling me not to think with my dick,” he said.

Josh laughed in surprise, and finally felt himself start to relax again. “Smart boy,” he said.

Scott nuzzled a little more, then slowly quieted. Josh settled back down into the warmth, feeling Scott’s arms loosen and Scott’s breathing slow into sleep. But Josh wasn’t sleepy, and when Scott’s cell rang on the bedside table, he reached over and flicked it open without thinking.

“Hello?”

“Scott? C’est moi. Mes parents--”

“Luc,” said Josh quietly, easing himself carefully from under Scott’s arm and sitting up against the headboard. “It’s Josh.”

Nothing. Then –

“Oh. Um. Hello.”

An uneasy silence stretched between them. Josh glanced down at Scott, who had not stirred. He debated telling Luc that Scott was asleep but decided against it. It could be important, and Scott had enough on his conscience.

“Do you need to speak with Scott now?” he asked softly.

***

Luc’s hand, holding the cell, was shaking. Joshua. Merde. His immediate instinct was to hang up, but he resisted the temptation.

“Oui, if I may,” he said, reverting without thinking to the formally correct English he had learned as a boy.

“Hold on. I’ll get him for you.”

Luc heard muffled sounds, and about half a minute later Scott on the line.

“Luc? Is everything alright?”

Scott’s voice sounded a little raw, a little uncertain, and for an instant Luc found himself picturing that mouth, which could taste at once of tenderness and hunger. He pushed the thought away.

“Oui,” he said. “Everything is fine. It is just that my parents wish to speak with you. About-- your friend. I am sorry, but they have some questions, some concerns.”

He looked across the dining room table at his mother, who gave a little shrug.

“Don’t apologize,” said Scott softly. “It’s perfectly reasonable that they would want to talk to us.”

Luc thought his heart was already broken, but somehow there was still a bit of it left to shatter.

Us.

Not me.

Us.

Us as in Scott and Josh.

Us italicized.

Us underlined.

Us in bold face.

Just to make sure that Luc had absolutely, positively got the message.

He had. He had!

Because his parents were watching, he managed to suppress the tears that clawed at the back of this throat. He forced himself to smile at them.

“Oui,” he said again into the phone. “Here they are then. A moment please.”

He passed the handset to his mother; his father held a second.

“Go get another,” said his mother, but he shook his head. He didn’t need to participate in the conversation.

“Scott will tell you what you need to know,” he said, sitting back in his chair and smiling the calm smile that seemed to offer them such comfort.

He’d perfected it these last few weeks, that calm smile. At first, it had been a mask, a disguise he’d adopted because it seemed to offer comfort to his parents and to his psychiatrist. It was this smile that bought him a little time with his own thoughts.

The funny thing was, that carefully perfected smile had somehow become more than a disguise. Somehow, by using it to project calm, he actually seemed to be able to find a little of it. It was as if, in order to create that calm, careful smile, he really had to find inside himself a calm spot, a still spot.

Maybe, he thought, the psychology experiments were right. Maybe it was true that the physical act of smiling, even fake smiling, released serotonin and so improved the mood of the person, regardless of how they felt before making the effort to smile.

Or maybe – and this is what he was inclined to believe – maybe, the act of creating the calm, careful smile somehow led him there.

Whatever it was, it seemed that he had found, in smiling, a way to centre down. So now he smiled, and he could feel his breathing slow, feel himself calming.

And God knows, he needed calm now, he thought, as his parents began to question Scott. Because if there was one thing he knew with absolute certainty, it was that he had to go back to Nova Scotia. He had to. He didn’t know why, but he knew that, even without Scott, that was where he needed to be. The only way that was going to happen was with his parents’ permission – which meant that he needed his parents to believe in Scott’s solution. And for them to believe it, he needed to believe it. He would endure the violation of his privacy. This Matthew would be an acceptable roommate. He had to be. He just had to be.

So though his heart was breaking, Luc sat at the kitchen table with his parents while they asked Scott questions and believed.

He believed for all of them.

***

Scott met up with Bran and Matt at the student centre late that afternoon to discuss the details of Matt’s move to Luc’s condo. Matt was, Scott realized, very anxious to move out of his res room, and he didn’t seem to want to stay in Scott’s room either. Since he didn’t have a lot of stuff, and since Scott had the keys that Luc’s parents had left with him when they’d brought Luc back to Montreal early in December, they decided that they might as well move him in that evening.

“I think it’s a great idea,” said Scott, registering the relief on Matt’s anxious face. Scott had noticed how very tense Matt had seemed these last couple of days, and how he’d always seemed to be watching over his shoulder. He hoped living with Luc would ease whatever Bran’s brother’s concerns were.

“It’ll give you a couple of days to get settled before Luc gets in Sunday evening.”

“You wanna pack up your car now?” Bran asked.

“It won’t take long,” said Matt with a grin. “I never really unpacked. But I gotta tell you guys, I’d feel more comfortable if I was paying rent. I know it’s a great deal, but it’s not like I can’t afford it.”

Scott assured him that the deal he’d struck was a reasonable one. “I kinda thought you’d feel that way about rent,” he said. “But Luc’s mother was adamant. Luc’s not going to be able to drive for a while, maybe for several months. So instead of rent, you’ll be driving him to and from school, and to rehab. And to get groceries and stuff like that. I hope you’re ok with that. You might find it a pretty serious constraint on your time.”

“It’ll be fine,” said Matt. “I just need a quiet place to work. I’m happy to do the driving. It’s only ten minutes to campus.”

“Well, you don’t have to do all the driving. Josh and I will help, too. Josh has a car, and I can always drive Luc’s. And Luc and I have virtually identical class schedules.”

They were about to head over to Matt’s room when Scott’s cell rang. He fished it out of his pocket, saw Josh’s number and grinned.

“I gotta take this,” he said, pushing back from the table and taking a few steps away.

“Must be Josh,” said Bran with a grin, and he and Matt dropped back into their chairs.

Scott grinned and took a few more steps away from the table. “Hey,” he said softly.

“Scott?”

Terms of endearment were rare between them. Scott had tried a few, but nothing felt exactly right yet. Josh rarely used endearments at all. It didn’t seem to matter, though. Josh could breath more sex into the single syllable of Scott’s name than Scott would have thought possible.

He smiled. “Yeah.”

“Have you got anything planned this weekend?”

“Not much. We’ve got some ice time Sunday afternoon for a pick-up game--”

“Tell them you won’t be there.”

“Oh? Where will I be?”

“We’re going away for the weekend.”

Scott laughed softly. “Really? And why is that?”

“Because we need it,” said Josh. “All this sensitive, meaningful sex is great. Healing. Profound. But sometimes--”

Despite the teasing tone his Josh’s voice, Scott knew he was serious. “Sometimes what?”

“Sometimes we have to lighten up a bit and have some fun.”

“I see.”

“Good. Because we’re going to have a very… private weekend, you and me. And you…”

“And I what?”

Josh’s voice dropped to little more than a low growl. “You are going to fuck me senseless.”

Scott cupped his hand around his cell and laughed softly. “I am?”

“You are. And if you’re a really good boy--”

“Yeah?”

“I just might return the favour.”

Scott felt himself blushing and shot a glance at Bran and Matt. They seemed completely absorbed in their own conversation.

“Oh, really?” he asked, dropping his voice further to little more than a whisper. “And just how are you gonna do that?”

The sound of Josh’s laughter made him smile.

“I’m not quite in a place for phone sex at the moment,” Josh said. “But if you want to hold that thought--”

Scott couldn’t suppress a bark of laughter, and glanced around to see Bran and Matt both watching him. He grinned at them, then turned away.

“That’s not what I meant,” he said. “How are you gonna do that when I’ve got you f-- when you’re senseless?”

Josh’s laughter deepened, and its throatier timbre made Scott twitch in interesting places. “You really think you can keep me that way the whole weekend?”

“Oh, yeah,” said Scott.

“We’ll see.”

Josh was still laughing when he clicked his phone shut.

When Scott’s cell rang, Matt knew immediately that it was Joshua. He could tell from the quirky smile that lit up the rugby boy’s face when he checked the display. And the body language as he pushed himself away from them to take the call. Scott had such an open face – there was something kind of naïve about him.

Not that Matt ever missed much. Reading people was… what he did. Scott was easy. And consistent. Heart on the sleeve type.

Unlike Joshua.

But he didn’t want to think of Joshua. He wanted a wall between himself and those memories. Pretty difficult with the guy’s picture beside him as he tossed and turned, and tried to sleep.

And now fucking impossible, knowing it was Josh on the phone with Scott.

He stole a glance across the table. Scott was a couple of meters away, leaning with his back against the wall. Just as Matt glanced at his face, he grinned and absently raised his free hand to his neck.

Matt sighed. He hadn’t actually seen Josh with Scott yet – hell, he didn’t even want to think about the two of them together. But somehow he couldn’t resist watching Scott react to his lover. It was there, somehow, in the way he tilted his head, the way he shifted his weight from one foot to the other.

And it wasn’t just that Scott was so easy to read. It was also that, well, Josh left… marks. And Matt missed nothing. When Scott had joined them at the student union, flopping down into an empty chair with his jacket open, Matt had noticed immediately the little red mark at the base of his throat, flashing like a warning sign.

Teeth marks, Matt thought. Just beneath his Adam’s apple, disappearing beneath his shirt.

And that was just one of several tiny, subtle marks. There was also the slight swelling of Scott’s lower lip, a small scratch on the back of his hand...

The only thing Josh had ever left on Matt was the wetness on his cheek that first night. Fuck, he’d hardly even talked to him…

And though Matt tried to resist, to focus on his brother, who was making plans for moving him into Luc’s place that night, all he could think of was the last time he’d actually seen Josh.

It had been a late night in March, almost three years before, cold and damp with a heavy fog and retreating snow. Matt had found him at Rainbow, alone again at his solitary table with his bottle of wine and single glass. Again Matt had grabbed his own glass from the bar, pulled over his own chair, poured himself a little. Talked.

Joshua had said nothing at all. His face had been expressionless. When the bottle was done, he’d simply stood up, watching Matt steadily with that huge sadness behind his eyes.

“You want to go back to my place?” Matt had asked, and for once he was actually thinking of something more than sex. He was about to say ‘we could talk,’ but he didn’t get the chance. Josh had nodded and turned away, leading him to the door.

He had not allowed Matt to kiss him, though Matt had wanted to very badly. He’d put a finger lightly over Matt’s lips when Matt had tried to talk. And then he’d dropped to his knees with a speed and determination that had seemed almost angry.

Even when Matt had tried to slow him down, to gentle him, Josh had shaken him off. His mouth was skilled and determined and fierce, and although Matt had tried hard to prolong it, it was over fast, too fast, and Josh was on his feet again.

But when Matt reached for him, Josh had pushed him away, and said the only words he’d said all evening, words heavy with loathing.

“I can’t do this anymore.”

As Matt watched him go, he realized just how much Josh loathed him. And how much he loathed himself.

Matt had gone Rainbow every night for weeks after that, but Josh was never there. He hadn’t seen him again – except in the laughing photograph that had watched him sleep these last two nights.

But he could still feel the loathing...

“Hey. Earth to Matthew.”

Matt jerked in surprise as he felt his brother’s hand on his arm and looked up quickly. “Sorry. Bit of a brain glitch there,” he said.

Matt laughed. “No, really? I was just asking if you wanna have dinner here and then move your stuff, or move it now and maybe order in.”

Scott rejoined them then, and the three of them resumed their discussion of plans for the move. But Matt couldn’t help but notice the drowsy pleasure still lingering in the big guy’s smoky grey eyes. And when Scott actually took his lower lip gently between his teeth, as if he was testing the swelling, his eyes would get kind of dreamy.

Josh had done that to Scott, Matt knew. Josh’s words in Scott’s ear. Josh’s teeth on Scott’s bottom lip. Josh’s hands--

He remembered again the look of loathing on Josh’s face when he’d left Matt that night...

I can’t do this, Matt thought. I should never have come back here. What the fuck was I thinking?