What Now? - 3. Chapter 3 - Virgin no more.

Steven’s POV:

Alright, I admit I might not be as straight as I thought.

I might be a little gay… maybe.

Or bisexual. Yeah, I’m probably bi.

It’s this stupid Ian who’s messing with my head. That’s totally what it is.

‘You just think about it alright? I'll see you after school.’

That’s what he said at lunch after he gave me mind-blowing head and practically told me I could do whatever I wanted to him – even fuck him – without expecting anything in return. I think it was that submissiveness that did me in, besides the fact that he was smoking hot.

The idea of this small, sexy, energetic little boy with an attitude giving me complete power over his body was the nail in the coffin of my straightness. The only thing that came even close to making me as hot as that one sentence from Ian were the times I would make out with Danny, and that – the fact that my top two sexual fantasies were of guys – was what destroyed the idea I’d been holding on to that I was just experimenting.

Oh, and than first blowjob that got me here in the first place. Also from a guy. Fuck!

I might be a stubborn guy, but I’m not stupid, and I’m not one to lie to myself – anymore. Am I gay? I don’t know. Am I straight? Not completely. For now, all I know is I haven’t been paying attention to anything my teacher has been saying all period and the bell just rang.

Ian should be waiting for me at the bus stop.

* * *

I walked out of my classroom and the first thing I saw was Ian. I’d meant to go find him, but he was already there waiting for me outside the classroom. For some reason, this gave me a warm feeling in my chest – he was as eager about this as I was.

“Hey,” he said, trying to play cool. I could see the excitement in his pretty eyes.

“Hey,” I said back, moving aside so people could get out of the classroom. “You were waiting for me?” I couldn’t keep the smile off my voice, or off my face.

“Get over yourself,” he said, again playing it cool, but he was smiling too. “My teacher let us out early, and I just thought it would be more convenient if you didn’t have to look for me. It saves time, so we don’t miss the bus again.” His red bangs had dropped onto his forehead and he flipped them back with his hand. It was sexy.

“And this had nothing to do with you being excited to see me?” I teased. He smiled.

“Fuck you,” he playfully said, and we both smiled like idiots. “Anyway,” he said, breaking the tension that had started to form around us. “I was wondering if maybe you wanna ride the bus with me and come to my house? My mom’s not home, so we could talk about how this thing is gonna play out, you know?”

“Yeah,” I said quickly. “Sure.” He smiled, pleased with himself that he had sounded cool and calm while I was so eager. I blushed, and that of course made him smile even bigger.

We both got on the bus, and he put on his earphones while I sat next to him and pulled out my phone. I sent a quick text to my mom telling her I was going to a girl’s house so I’d be home later, and she texted me back, asking if it was the girl. I sighed and texted back a simple yes.

After Jake punched me on the nose last Thursday, I had to come up with something to tell my parents, cause I sure as fuck wasn’t gonna tell them my gay ex-boyfriend’s new boyfriend had hit me for yelling at said ex-boyfriend. I ended up telling them a guy had tried to put the moves on a girl who clearly didn’t want it and I got into a fight with the guy to defend her honor.

They ate it up.

Not only did it make me sound straight, in their eyes I was a fucking gentleman. And now my mom thought I was going to this girl’s house.

Whatever.

* * *

Ian got off the bus at his usual stop and motioned for me to follow him. We walked a few blocks to his house, and I noticed he lived in a not-so-nice part of town. He took his keys out of his jeans pocket as soon as we got off the bus and put them between his fingers as girls are taught to do to defend themselves against rapists.

“What are you doing?” I asked. He looked at me like I was stupid.

“Do you have any idea what it’s like to be this small and gay in a neighborhood like this? I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve been mugged.”

I felt sick to my stomach.

Poor little skinny Ian walking to his house every day worrying he’s gonna get assaulted. I wondered if he’d ever been beaten.

I hoped not.

“It’s okay,” I told him in a low voice. “I’m here, no one’s gonna jump you.”

He looked up at me with a blank stare for a few seconds, before lowering his gaze and whispering, “thanks.” Then he kept walking.

We reached his house, and the first thing I noticed was how small it was – much smaller than mine, that’s for sure. He unlocked the door with his keys, and as soon as we were in, he shut the door, locked it, and I could see his whole body relax. I felt sick again, wondering if this was what he went through every day.

He led me through a hallway towards the back of the house (it was only one story) where his room was, and once we were there, he threw his backpack onto his desk and slumped into the bed. I stood stiffly by the door, not knowing what to do.

“Hey,” he said, tapping the mattress next to him. “Come here.” He looked awfully at ease, considering how scared he’d just been when walking from the bus stop.

I took a deep breath and laid my backpack next to his before joining him on the bed. I sat on the edge, leaving space between us, but Ian closed the distance and put his hand on my thigh.

“Relax,” he said, squeezing my leg, which made my dick get a little hard.

“I’m sorry,” I said, “I’m just nervous.”

“You’ve got nothing to be nervous about,” he assured me.

I nodded. “So… what did we have to talk about?”

Ian smirked, before getting up and straddling me, grabbing my face with both his hands. “I think we both know you didn’t come here to talk.”

Then he kissed me.

As soon as our lips made contact, he opened his mouth, and next thing I knew, our tongues were intertwined and my eyes rolled to the back of my head. He started grinding on me, and I grabbed hold of his slim hips. Even though I’d done this with Danny for two months straight, it was never this intense, ’cause I could tell he wasn’t really into it. Danny seemed to be with me simply because he liked the idea of having a boyfriend, but Ian was kissing me like he wanted to swallow me whole.

I’d never been harder in my entire life.

Suddenly Ian pulled back. “Fuck!” he said, with wide eyes, “you’re a good kisser!”

I chuckled. “Well, two months of doing nothing but that will give you practice.” He looked at me funny, and I remember he had no idea what I was talking about, since all he knew about me and Danny was what I’d said at the party.

He didn’t seem to care, though, ’cause he pulled off his shirt, revealing his slender torso, pale, smooth and beautiful, then pushed me back onto the bed and went back to kissing me deeply.

I pulled back briefly to take my shirt off as well, and we kept kissing as Ian felt up my chest and abs as I ran my hands up and down his back, feeling every inch of his exposed smooth, silky skin as he started whimpering. He was firmly sitting on my lap, grinding his hips into my hard on, before abruptly pulling back again.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, out of breath.

“This is too much!” he said. “We gotta slow down.” I nodded, gasping for breath. I was disappointed, but he was right, if we kept going, I’d cum too fast.

Then he scooted back a little until he was sitting on my thighs instead of my lap, and he started unbuckling my belt.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

He looked up at me from under his bangs, but continued his efforts, now pulling down the zipper on my jeans. “What does it look like?” he asked, pulling down the front of my underwear.

“Shit,” I whispered. “Is this your idea of slowing down?”

He chuckled. “I meant for me. You can still cum.” He pulled my straining dick out and kneeled on the floor in front of me. He tugged at my pants and I raised my butt off the bed so he could pull them all the way down to my ankles. Without further notice, he took hold of my dick and dove down on it.

I let out a long moan, but I forced myself to open my eyes and sit up. I had to see this.

Ian seemed to be transfixed, eyes closed and bobbing up and down on my dick with his red bangs covering his face as he caressed my naked thigh with his free hand. It was a fucking hot sight, but I wanted to see his pretty face, so I brushed the hair away with one hand, and I kept it there at the back of his head so it wouldn’t fall again.

Then he opened his eyes and they made contact with mine, and as corny as it might sound, I felt butterflies in my stomach. There was just something about seeing this beautiful boy with hazel eyes drooling on my dick that pulled me in. Looking at him, still sucking me off and making sweet whimpering sounds while he held eye contact with me, I started to feel weird things in my chest. Things I’d only felt with Danny before.

Suddenly I had a flashback to when I was back in Malibu and I was in the same exact position. The guy that’d sucked me off that time was one of my neighbors. I’d known him for years, and I’d always suspected he was gay – he was short, skinny and nerdy, but that wasn’t why I thought he might be into guys. We used to play together, along with all the other neighbor kids when we were younger, but as we got older, he started becoming shy and started looking at me funny whenever he thought I wasn’t looking, especially once I turned fifteen and started working out.

Also, whenever my friends and I went to the beach, I’d notice him sitting by himself, pretending to read a book while he was clearly checking us out. Then one day when we were already eighteen, I was mowing the lawn in my front yard shirtless, like I usually did, and I noticed this same guy – his name was Jamie – went out into his front yard as well to take out the trash. His house was just across the street from mine, and he’d already dumped the trash, but he was still standing there, just looking at me with longing in his eyes. Suddenly he realized I’d seen him watching me, and he got a panicked look on his face as he obviously debated whether or not to flee in terror.

I don’t know why, but I felt a need to soothe the kid, so I waved at him, and he blushed, but he shyly waved back.

“Hey,” I called out, “how you doing?” I don’t know why I was being friendly. I barely ever talked to him anymore.

“I’m good,” he said in his small, timid voice. “How are you?”

“Doing well,” I responded, “but it’s kinda hot out here. I was actually thinking about taking a break and going in for something to drink. Wanna join me?” Again, I don’t know why I did that, I guess I just felt sorry for him – the kid needed a friend, I figured.

His eyes lit up like a Christmas tree, and he eagerly nodded. “Sure!” he squeaked, and all but skipped across the street to my front porch. His eagerness was endearing.

As you can probably already tell, that ended up with my dick down his throat and my mom walking in on us, Jamie running away in fear and my parents and I moving out of Malibu and to stupid Escondido. What’s even worse, though, was my mom wasn’t satisfied with ruining my life by taking me away from all my surroundings and friends – she also felt the need to ruin Jamie’s life. Right before we left our house and moved away, she went to his house and told his parents everything she saw. I never got to find out how that went for poor Jamie.

Anyway, back to the moment.

As I was thinking things couldn’t get any better, Ian suddenly pulled off with a loud pop and asked me a question that almost made me cum then and there.

“You ever fucked a guy before?” he asked out of breath, still running his delicate hands up and down my thighs.

Was he asking me if I wanted to fuck him? Right now?!

“Uh…” I stammered. “N-no…”

“That’s okay,” he said, wiping his mouth of his own saliva and my precum with the back of his hand. “It’s just like fucking a girl – not that I ever have, but I’ve had guys tell me that.” It made me wonder how many ‘straight’ guys he’d had sex with.

“Well…” I said, blushing, “I’ve never fucked a girl before, so…”

Ian’s eyes went wide. “Are you serious? You’re a virgin?” I blushed in silence. He let out a snort. “Wow! A guy like you? A virgin at 18? That just doesn’t happen. It must be my lucky day!”

“What?” I asked, surprised, “you mean you still wanna…?”

“Fuck yeah!” he said, looking even more excited than before. “I’ll be your first. I mean, if you want, of course. I offered to help you out, didn’t I?”

I chuckled. This boy was crazy, and I loved it. “Sure.” I was smiling, and he was too.

“In light of recent events, I have to change plans a little bit, but that’s alright,” he said, getting up and walking over to his nightstand.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Well,” he said, fetching a bottle of lube and a condom from the top drawer. “You seem to me like the type of guy to take charge, you know, hold me down, fuck me hard, but you’re a virgin, so it might take you a little bit to get there. That’s fine, I can teach you but you better learn quick, ’cause I like a man that takes charge, you hear me?” He said all this so nonchalantly I couldn’t help but smile as I listened to him and slowly jerked my dick up and down.

“Whatever you say, Ian.”

He smiled and started taking the rest of his clothes off. I did the same.

We were both naked in less than a minute, and I was left sitting on the bed with my mouth hanging open. I’d thought Ian was a little skinny kid with a pretty face, but watching him stand there naked with a bottle of lube in his hand, I was mesmerized.

He was gorgeous.

His clothes certainly didn’t pay any justice to how defined and toned his little body was, or how gorgeous his legs were, thin but perfectly proportioned. I didn’t get to find out what his real hair color was, though, since his entire body was shaved smooth.

Noticing I was admiring the view, Ian did a little twirl for me, and I groaned at the sight of his perky little ass. He chuckled. “Thanks.”

“I didn’t say anything,” I replied, jerking a little faster.

“You didn’t need to,” he said cockily. “Besides, I think you’re fucking hot too.” I smiled, and he came over and gave me a lingering kiss, before getting up on the bed and slumping down right in the middle of it on his back. “Alright,” he announced. “Foreplay is kind of a big deal for me, but since you’ve never prepared anyone before and you’d probably be really bad at it, I’ll do it myself, so you just watch.” I frowned, slightly insulted. “What? It’s true, but don’t worry, I’ll teach you next time.”

Alright, I thought, there’s gonna be a next time.

Ian popped the bottle of lube open and poured some lube on two of his fingers, before opening his legs and flashing me a drool-worthy view of his pink, hairless hole. I turned to face him and got on my knees on the bed, still jerking my dick.

Then his fingers were on his hole, circling it, lubing it up, and then one of them started sliding in, first the tip, then up to the first knuckle, then the second, then the whole finger was in. He started slowly sliding it in and out. I was transfixed, watching this sexy little boy fingering himself in preparation for my cock. I was panting like a dog.

“Steven?” Ian asked, pulling me out of my trance. I looked up to his face and found him smirking. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah.” I croaked out. My voice sounded so raspy, and … hungry. I was hungry for him. I started jerking off faster.

Ian added another finger to his pretty hole, and once they were both easily sliding in and out, he started a scissoring motion, opening up his hole slowly. My hand was a blur on my cock.

“Oh, shit,” I panted. “I think I’m gonna cum!”

Ian rolled his eyes and pulled his fingers out of his ass. “I knew it,” I heard him mutter under his breath before diving down and swallowing my dick.

“Fuck!” I groaned. “Ian, stop, I wanna cum while I’m fucking you.”

He pulled off but his hand kept jerking me. “You won’t last a minute. I’m gonna make you cum to take the edge off. I’m assuming you can get hard again?”

“If you keep fingering yourself, then fuck yeah!”

He smiled.

“Good. Now give it to me.” He dove down on my dick again, and I felt my orgasm climbing.

I remembered he said he liked a guy taking charge, so I grabbed the back of his head and pushed him a little further down on my dick as I started thrusting into his mouth slightly. He was stunned at first and stopped sucking, but then he seemed to like it, ’cause he redoubled his efforts and started sucking my dick like a vacuum.

No more than a minute later, my dick exploded and I filled Ian’s mouth with my cum. He wasted no time swallowing it all as soon as it came out, and once he had me clean, he pulled off and smiled up at me. “Wow,” he panted, “you really are a quick learner. That’s good. Now, where were we?” Then he flopped back onto the bed and brought his lubed fingers to his ass again, but before he put them in, I decided since he liked me taking charge before, I might as well try again.

I pushed his hand away, and without a word took the bottle of lube, pouring some onto two of my fingers. Ian eyed me quizzically, and when he realized what I intended, he smiled his sexy smile. “I’m impressed,” he said, trying to be funny, but I knew he really meant it.

I thought of just jamming both my fingers in, since he’d had two in there himself, but I changed my mind at the last second, figuring my fingers were way bigger that his, so I brought only one finger against his delicious-looking pink rosebud and pressed gently.

Ian moaned, and so did I. My dick never actually went down, but even if it had, it would’ve come back to life from that feeling alone.

Touching another boy’s hole would’ve been unfathomable just two months before, but now not only was I willingly doing it, I was enjoying the fuck out of it. It was completely hairless, pink and wrinkly, but surprisingly attractive, at least to me, and just the feel of its wrinkled exterior was sending shots of electricity all over my body. Then Ian moaned again, and he flexed his hole, then relaxed it and flexed it again. “Come on,” he said in a needy voice, “you were doing so well, what happened? Put it in already.” I took a deep breath, and literally plunged in. “Ughn!!!” moaned Ian.

“Oh fuck!” I whispered. The feel of his soft, warm insides wrapped around my finger was amazing - it was everything I’d always imagined it would feel, except in my fantasies it was Danny I was fingering.

I started slowly sliding my finger in and out of his warm tunnel as I’d seen him do to himself, and then as he relaxed his hole, I realized I needed to stretch him out properly. My dick was a lot bigger than my finger.

“Ian?”

“Yeah?” he asked, head thrown back against his pillow with his eyes closed.

“Can I add another finger?”

He started laughing. “Steven,” he said, straining his head up to look at me, suddenly serious, “you’re about to put your dick in me – you could literally do anything you want to me right now and I wouldn’t complain.”

His words made me so horny I seriously considered just shoving my dick in and starting to rabbit-fuck him then and there, but I held back – barely. Instead, I added a second finger and started scissoring them like he had, and that sent Ian into a stream of ‘fuck’s, ‘yeah’s and ‘oh, fuck yeah’s.

I was feeling confident, so I started adding a third finger, but Ian huffed. “Come on,” he panted, “don’t flatter yourself, you’re not that big.”

I chuckled. It was nice to know even when he was in the throes of passion, he still had that attitude. That was fine, I was feeling good and he was making me feel powerful, so I went with it.

“You sure about that, buddy?” I asked, taking my dick in my hand and slapping the head against his hole a few times. “Don’t want you complaining later.”

“Holy shit!” he muttered, I’m not sure if it was because of my new dominant attitude or my dick against his hole. Either way, his hole opened right up like a budding rose, and I started slipping the head in.

“Stop!” Ian yelled all of a sudden.

I was paralyzed with fear. What the fuck had I done wrong?! I was sure he was loose enough, he clearly wanted it – I was dying for it – and he’d been the one to initiate it.

“What’s wrong?”

“Put on a condom, you shithead!” he hissed, his gorgeous hazel eyes intense with… frustration?

I chuckled. “Right. Sorry – got carried away, I guess.” I quickly fetched the condom from where he’d dumped it on the bed earlier. I ripped the wrapper open, and quickly put it over the head of my dick. I started rolling it down, but Ian let out a frustrated sigh and pulled it off.

“You clearly haven’t done this before,” he hissed, taking over. He held the tip with his fingers and rolled down the rest quickly. He clearly had done it before. It caused a surprising pang of jealousy in me, wondering how many guy’s dicks he’d put condoms on before they fucked him. It only made me want to do better – to be his best. “Alright – there!” he said, giving me a condescending look.

“Calm down, man,” I said. “I did say I hadn’t done it before.”

His eyes softened. His pretty, pretty eyes. “You’re right, sorry.” He smiled shyly and gave me a sweet peck on the lips. “Okay,” he said, leaning back, “now fuck me, you stud.”

Stud? Fuck yeah! He made me feel like such a man.

“Hold on,” I said, “didn’t you say you were taking charge since it was my first time?”

“I changed my mind,” he said, running one hand up and down my abs and the other holding my dick, making sure I stayed hard. No worries there. “You’re doing so well I’m sure you’ll be great. It’s like second nature to guys like you. Now come on, I’m not used to begging. I’m usually the one guys beg for – now fuck me.”

I chuckled. “Alright, then. Get ready for the best dick you’ve ever had.”

He started laughing. “Yeah, righ – ugh!” He didn’t get to finish, ’cause in that moment I slid my latex-covered dick more than half way inside his ass. “Motherfucker!” he screamed. “You idiot! Slow down!”

Fuck. “I’m sorry! Sorry! Should I pull out?”

“No!” He panted, eyes closed and both hands fisting the sheets. “Just stay there for a second.”

I stayed completely still, fearing I’d screwed everything up and he’d never let me fuck him again. His ass felt so wonderful around my dick, so hot, so tight, and the spasming was like a really tight massage on my aching shaft. It was utter bliss, and it was threatening to make me cum already, but knowing I’d unintentionally hurt him made my hard-on wane a little.

“I’m so sorry,” I tried again. “You were so open, I thought…”

“Yeah, I know,” he said, eyes still closed, but at least he wasn’t frowning anymore. “I should’ve told you. You need to go slow, especially when you have a dick as big as yours, but it’s fine, the pain’s gone. I just feel really full. Give me a little more.” Glad I hadn’t caused real damage, and to be honest kind of flattered, I started – slowly – sliding more of my dick into his sexy ass.

“Ugh… mhm… like that?” I asked hoarsely.

“Yeah,” he panted. “Like that.” Then I felt the head of my dick slide against something spongy, but kind of hard, and it made Ian’s eyes fly open. “Oh fuck yeah! Just like that!”

Holy shit, I thought, I just found his prostate! I didn’t need him to tell me I was doing good anymore – his moans were doing that for him.

“Oh, yeah,” he whimpered in my ear, clawing at my back and pulling at my hair. “Oh, my god, yesss!” He was throwing his head back, moaning and whimpering into my ear, kissing my neck, pulling my face into his and kissing me like a wife kisses a soldier when he comes home, sending my ego into outer space.

I’m such an idiot, I thought. I can’t believe I waited this long.

Why the fuck had I not done this before?! If I’d known it’d be this amazing, I would’ve done it years ago, when I had my first crush on my best bud back in Malibu when we both started lifting weights together. With Jamie – I would’ve kissed him like I’d wanted to when he was blowing me, I would’ve stripped him naked and fucked him right there on my bed. I wouldn’t have cared if my mom had walked in on us. I would’ve done it with Danny when we were dating.

God… Danny.

I wished I could’ve fucked Danny. I would’ve been good to him – even better than stupid Jake – stupid, manly, sexy Jake.

Maybe I would’ve fucked Jake too.

But this was no time to think about what could’ve been. I was fucking Ian, and there was nothing short of amazing about him – he was a little sex animal. And he was gonna make me cum.

Right fucking now.

I picked up my pace, making my hips slap soundly against Ian’s ass, and his cries became even louder.

“Oh, god!” He whimpered. “I knew you’d be amazing!”

That sent me over the edge, and I groaned as I ground my hips hard against him and shot my load into the condom.

Ian brought his hand between us and started jerking off furiously, and in less than a minute he painted both our stomachs with his cum.

* * *

Five minutes later, both Ian and I had cleaned up, and we were sitting on his bed facing each other, him in his underwear and me fully dressed.

“Well,” I said, “that was…” I trailed off. I had no idea why I felt so awkward around him now.

Ian chuckled.

“Look, Steven, it doesn’t have to be weird, alright? Like I said, I’m just helping you out, I’m not gonna date a guy in the closet, and I don’t think you want to date me either. We barely know each other. This is just fun, and if it helps you figure out what you want then that’s awesome, but I understand if you need a little time to think after this. You did just have sex with a guy for the first time after all.”

“Yeah,” I said, nodding. He was right, my mind was reeling – I needed time to think, not only about what we’d just done, but what it meant for me. I didn’t know what to say.

Ian scooted closer to me on the bed and put an arm around me. “Hey,” he said, making me look at him. “I just want you to know there’s no pressure coming from me, okay? We can do this again sometime if you want, or it can be a onetime thing – your choice. But even if you decide not to do it again, we can be friends. I’ll be glad to help you out while you figure this out. I’ll be the friend I wish I’d had when I came out. Sound good?”

I smiled and nodded.

“Yeah. Thank you, Ian. Really.”

“Don’t mention it.”

He walked me to the door and I went home. I had to walk quite a bit, since I’d gotten here on the school bus, and I had no idea where to get a city bus from there, but in a way it was good – it gave me time to think, which I did.

I’m not a virgin anymore, I thought. I just had sex for the first time – with a guy.

It was a weird thought, but in a way… it made sense. I’d always known I wasn’t into girls the way my friends were. I didn’t fantasize and jerk off to them like they kept going on and on about, and the few times I’d actually made out with girls I hadn’t been into it, and neither had my dick. I’d apologize and tell them I was tired, or drunk, if the situation allowed for it, and I tried to convince myself that it was true, but deep down I’d always known there’s was more to it than that.

Jamie opened my eyes.

Every time I’d think back to that blowjob, I tried to make myself believe he’d come on to me and I’d let him suck me off ’cause I was a horny kid like everyone my age and there wasn’t a girl around, but now that the truth was out – at least in my head – I could admit that I had seduced Jamie, and not the other way around. He was just a little shy gay boy pining for the football player across the street. He’d never intended to even attempt to go beyond that, but I had been the one to invite him into my house that day. I had been the one acting differently – way too friendly, flirtatious even, and loving the attention he gave to my body. He had been the one that got on his knees and pulled my shorts down, but only after I’d made it abundantly clear that I wanted it.

As I turned into my street and saw my house, I wondered what would’ve happened if my mom hadn’t come home early that day. What if Jamie had finished what he’d started? What if I’d kissed him like I so desperately wanted to? What if I’d fucked him that day?

What if?

Oh well, I thought as I stopped in front of my door and pulled out my keys, what’s done is done. All I can do now is try to do better, starting with not lying to myself anymore.

I had to admit who I was and what I wanted, and I needed to let go of the past before I could do that. I had to let go of what happened with Jamie, what my parents thought they knew, and I especially had to let go of Danny.

He wasn’t mine and he never had been.

I climbed up the stairs, and once I got in my room, I ripped my backpack open and pulled out my binder, turning onto a blank page.

I’d heard a guy say on TV once that when you had something hard you were dealing with and didn’t know what to do, it helped to write it down and say it out loud. It put things into perspective, and it made it real in your brain.

Taking a pen with a shaky hand, I set my hand down on the paper and wrote down I’M GAY in big, capital letters.

I didn’t feel any different.

I took a deep breath and swallowed hard. “I’m gay,” I whispered to myself.

It felt weird.

I looked around, half expecting my mom to pop her head in out of nowhere like she’d done that day.

“I’m gay,” I repeated, with just a little more confidence.

I waited a few seconds, and nothing happened, so I said it again.

“I’m gay.”

I took a pause, and then I did it again.

“I’m gay.”

And again.

“I’m gay.”

I realized it was working. The more I said it, the easier it came out, and the more real it became.

“I’M GAY!!!” I screamed into my empty room.

Nothing happened, and then I started laughing hysterically.

How stupid, I thought.

I’d been so terrified of admitting it to myself for so long that in my mind it’d become this huge deal, and now that I’d actually said the words, nothing had actually happened. The earth hadn’t stopped spinning, the birds outside my room hadn’t stopped chirping, my parents hadn’t freaked out and thrown me out. Absolutely nothing had happened, yet at the same time, a major thing had happened – I’d accepted myself for who I was.

It actually made me feel better – more in control of my own mind and life, now that I wasn’t lying. At least not to myself.

I ripped the page off, crumpled it up and threw it in the trash bin beside my desk. Then I sighed deeply and laid back on the bed with a huge grin on my face.

I knew I was a long way before actually coming out to other people, but for the moment I was happy. I wasn’t a virgin anymore – I’d just had sex for the first time with a gorgeous boy who asked for nothing but to be my friend and for the first time in forever, I was at peace with myself.