I blew my smoke out the window as I looked out of it. In five days I was going to be on a plane to spend my entire summer in Scotland. Normally I looked forward to it as It was a nice break but this time was different. Jon Han sat at the kitchen table studying me like he always does when he comes over. It's been a fun couple of weeks of getting to know each other. It was juvenile really, we would just annoy each other and refuse to give up any ground as we tried to figure out what we were. At this point i knew what he wanted but I just refused to believe it.
“Something bothering you?” He asked like he always does when I think a bit too hard.
“Just sucks I’m leaving for Scotland again soon.” I answered as I finished the dart. “I don’t want to leave.”
“I know you’ve told me your uncles a hardass, but is he really that bad?” He asked to follow up.
“He just wants what’s best for me so I can’t fault him but I don’t know. I just wanna stay here and enjoy the summer.” I thought out loud as I looked away with my hands back on the kitchen table.
“What’s so great about this dump that you can’t find across the pond?” He asked out of my sight.
I wanted to answer. I really did. I wanted to tell him that I'd fallen for the idiot and i just wanted to spend the summer driving around doing stupid couple shit. I wanted to stand in the crowd of concerts with him behind me with his arms wrapped around my chest. I wanted to kiss him whenever I wanted. I just couldn't though. I didn't deserve a guy like him.
After a couple minutes of silence I felt his hand under my chin. I instinctually resisted but that wasn't stopping him, not at this point. As he used his other hand to brush the hair away from my eyes and my heart felt like it was going to explode. This wasn't some hallucination or dream brought on by too much booze, he was really going for it.
He chuckled once before closing his eyes and pressing his lips to mine. There it was, my first kiss.
I allowed myself to succumb to the bliss for a few moments before realizing what i had done. Jon couldn't be with someone like me. I'm a mess. A failure in every way. It's impossible to love someone like me.
"You need to leave." I mumbled after pushing him away.
"Jason hold on we should figure out..." Jon said trying to stop me.
"Sorry." I said interrupting him as i walked to the door. "I shouldn't of done that." My heart was beating even faster than it was a few minutes ago. I needed him gone. I needed to calm down.
Thankfully after a bit of thought, he picked up his jacket and complied.
"If you want to talk about it, call me. I'll be around." He told me before walking out the door.
I don't deserve a guy like him. If I let my guard down he'll see me for the absolute mess that I am. He's better off not finding out.
"Where's that fucking bottle of Gin?" I asked myself as I walked back into the living room. I needed to be numb, it's the only way I can manage all of this.