My Chaotic Life - 6. Nothing Like Human

ORIGIN

I'm afraid of my own mental state
It's a tenuous grip on reality at best
And I can't stand to face my fears

So I wrap myself up with lies
To perpetuate the illusion
That I'm something like human

Don't humans have a desire to be happy
A burning ambition to know love
Consuming passion to be loved

I know the origin of my fears
Understand my web of deceit
Yet I constantly deny them

My life has been one long secret
Love always hidden in shadows
Petrified to let the sun penetrate my love

Joy realized only in the embrace of night
Yet dawn scatters the illusions away
Ironic for the boy who only craves the sun

TORTURED

You once called me Hemmingway
Claiming I was broken in the head
And unable to cope with simple reality

Honesty is the real enemy between us
You understood that more than I
And oh, how I hated you for that

I hated your clarity and intution
I hate your knife that cut through delusions
And forced me to reflect with truth

I hated your manipulations
Your icy silences
And I hated your volume

It was like the calm before the storm
Softly coercing me to change
And if that failed it was intimidation

You had a complete disregard for me
An explosive attitude with a sharp tongue
And an eerie casualness of coldness

I hated your alcohol breath
And your drunken seductions
Even as I was consumed by your actions

Torn between hate and lust
And unbelievably uncomfortable
I still fucked you time and time again

Your manipulations were as deft as mine
And though neither were harmless
Maybe both were unintentional

I think it might have been your temper
And the drama that surrounds you
That pushed you to end things noisily

A SLOW REALIZATION

But mainly I was afraid of your rejection
Nothing started on a fabricated life will last
This web of shit returns to haunt me again

And there was fear
Oh, how I feared you
And to a point, I still do

But the fear is for different reasons now
Since I now understand why you do things
It was easy when I took the time to look

I no longer hate you
Certain emotions are wasted on people like you
And hate is an emotion I can no longer afford

EXAMINING

Could it be we two are alike
This stolen innocence of ours
Long before our toys were put to rest

I was twelve and learned to choose like adults
I was a fucking child
Innocence taken by a minister

I was forced to grow up
With scratches on my back
And teeth marks on my ear

What was your instrument of damnation
A lecherous Uncle perhaps
Or some other family friend

It had to be someone close to you
Because to this very day
It prompts you to be wary even in slumber

You are shallow and always scared
Still running from monsters in the dark
I know this because sleep eludes me as well

I wake up in sweats reliving those moments
Without stimulates to enable me
I sleep in stolen moments between nightmares

Maybe the drugs we ingest are merely substitutes
Little white pills for the nightmares that haunt us
Or you could very well be right

That its my own perverse mentality that leads me
That drives me and controls me
To destroy all things good and pure around me

Such a jaded outlook on life
Happiness would always elude me
Jaded...fucking jaded

RAZOR SHARP

Seeing the mess of shit I spewed around you
I can not blame you for the reaction you gave
Or the way it all ended

When I gave you lies to piece the puzzle together
The distorted picture that emerged had to frighten you
And slowly push you away

I forced you to make a decision about us
Maybe not the decision you would have wished
But it was the only decision I ever gave you

Realistically a choice was never made
I presented one avenue of escape
You had to walk down that narrow path

I pushed you away and it was easy
I know you wanted that push
I only fulfilled your desire to run

A BITTER LACK OF TRUST

I can not be trusted
Your words ring in my head like a mantra
Repeating over and over until I believe them

But for every lie I entrusted to you
I received two in return
I lied to you and you lied to me

Lies about me
Lies against me
Lies to me

Hatred fueled your words til perception was skewed
And for a time you won this battle between us
A brief season of celebration you enjoyed

This I know because I heard the clapping
I felt the jubilation in your words
And I smiled

ADMISSION

My greatest strength lies in this admission
I don't give a fuck what others might think of me
The greatest joke is the one no one knew I played

So through this all you've amused me
I sit back amazed how badly I crept under your skin
To cause such intense hatred inside you

Remember hate without love is powerless
And your hate was strong
Stronger than your love could ever be

I laugh at the hatred I feel emanating from you
My manipulation was deft and on target
You were destroyed in your hatred for me

My life is a mess of misconceptions
Interpreted by those that understood my bullshit
And had the balls to confront me with it

I respect those that see me for the liar I am
I respect you though I hate to be around you
A constant reminder of the failure I've become

RESPECT

And I hate that respect is there for you
This unspoken fondness I carry
I know you see this in my burning eyes

You struggle with this fondness
Unsure of how to proceed
Because you feel it as well

I like to believe you wished to help me
To change me for the better somehow
Or maybe you only wished to understand

But understanding is the key to change
And in your mind and in your eyes
I can't change

And I can't blame you for that
I never gave you the tools of understanding
Because I have no cause to explain my actions

Right or wrong
The past is the past
And I live in today

And sometimes
Some people
Just aren't worth the effort

A DELIBERATE ACTION

I wondered how long you would try
Before it became more than you could bear
Til the act of understanding drained you

Altering your meager threshold of pain
Hoping to break you down mentally
Until nothing is left in your already fragile mind

You lasted longer than I thought possible
Far longer than anyone else
My respect for you grew

But so did the uncomfortableness
So I sat night after night in the dark
Plotting this demise

What would it take to push you to your limit
What did I have to do to break your feelings
To crush whatever was left of your love

Hatred
That's something we both knew all to well
It was the core of our relationship

Seeing the avenue before us was life changing
It was straight and narrow
Opposite of the subversive alley you accuse me of dwelling

But I did walk in the shadows
And I saw my way out
I forced you to make the decision

For if anyone couldn't handle us
It was me
And you were right about that

Your intuition astounds me
The quality of your words I still hear
Even if your motivation is in question

Your motives were never crystal clear
I know, believe me
Because my motives mirrored yours

SEXUAL PREDATOR

I'll admit that manipulation is my weapon
But sex is your weapon of choice
You used your cock like a knife

Your smile charmed me into believing your lies
But it mirrored a hurricane ripping apart the shore
Leaving broken hearts in the wake of your passing

And yet I wonder who is affected more
Your numerous victims
Or you

THE PLAN

When I couldn't make myself over
Fit into the mold of lies I spewed for you
I manipulated you into hating the idea of us

It was so very easy
It was ended in a single fight with one word
Goodbye

Like a marionette on wires you danced to my tune
I was the puppet master controlling your actions
The queer pied piper

And if I made you uncomfortable
All the better for me
Self-preservation is paramount

This is a lesson you know well
You've perfected it over the years
Even as I have

THE KEYS

I know these words may not reach you
Because if anything I know you
And I know how you deal with life

You'll walk around these pages
Wishing them away will be your escape
But this is only on the outside

In you heart you'll be grateful to have read them
To get a glimpse of something I hold close
Like a junkie holding his syringe

These words are alive
Given breath by each keystroke
Brought forth by a desperate need to understand

These words will confuse you
Wrap you tightly in a kind of tangled hope
That I am not the man you perceived me to be

In a fit of anger one night
You told me to write down my emotions for you to read
Accusing me of being unable to convey emotion in spoken words

I hope I have made myself clear
Here in these written words
Though I believe it will not matter

HONESTY

My life is one long scar
This scar upon scars erodes my soul
And it suffers me a fate of perpetual loneliness

Yet I wear these scars proudly
I even invent reasons to stay hard
To stay unfeeling and dead

And when i begin to awake
When the feelings begin to overwhelm me
I create situations to destroy those feelings

Why is the question that can never be answered
No one will stay around long enough to riddle the answer
But mainly because I would never allow such access

Just as you were never allowed inside
Because seeing indifference in your eyes
Is easier than seeing any form of love

My delusions will accept me like no human ever will
And looking back on the time I spent with you
I can blame no one for the tragic ending of us

And one day
Maybe someday
I'll prove I'm something like human

Don't think of me in anger or hate
These emotions will ruin your life
And rob you of any chance of happiness

Instead think of me in pity
It's more than I deserve
And all I'll ever receive