Daniel & Thomas - 6. Chapter 6

I may be, even might be gay

Have you ever noticed that when you are waiting for something really cool
to happen, time slows down to a crawl and you seem to be waiting forever?
On the other hand when something really cool is happening, time accelerates
to warp speed and all to soon the fun is over. Albert Einstein had a theory
that time is relative, mind you he was thinking about time being relative a
black hole in space, I was thinking about time being relative the black
hole called school. Daniel's theorem is that time is relative to my level
of personal discomfort, the faster I want time to pass the slower it goes
and vice versa.

Thomas was taking his time in the shower. He had been in there for nearly
45 minutes, a personal record for him. I just couldn't stand to wait any
longer, so in frustration I went into Sara's bathroom and turned the hot
water faucet to full on, depriving Thomas of hot water in the hope that it
would get him out of the shower. At long last Thomas emerged from the
bathroom, looking most sanguine. He sauntered downstairs to say goodnight
to his parents. Much to my frustration Daniel's theory of relativity was
once again proving Einstein wrong, it has nothing to do with a black hole
in space, it really is all about my personal suffering. Sara wanted to play
monopoly, of course Thomas agreed.

I have to admit it's the first time I have ever won a game of monopoly,
competing against formidable opponents such as Thomas Dad and his sister
Sara. I purchased and put hotels on every property I landed on. Fining any
opponent whom was unfortunate enough to trespass on them, in a feverish
attempt to bankrupt them, so that the game would be over quickly. But it
was not to be, for no sooner would a player with only a few dollars left to
their name, throw the evil dice and miraculously land on the only square on
the board I didn't own and of course they would receive a monetary
windfall. Saving them from becoming destitute, how unfair. Finally two
hours later I ruthlessly bankrupted Sara and foreclosed on her last
remaining property. Thomas dad, having begged for mercy after he suffered a
humiliating bankruptcy at my hands ten minutes earlier, remarked that he
was surprised that I had such a ruthless nature.

As we packed the monopoly game away, I looked smugly across at Thomas. Bed
time at last! He looked anxious and it suddenly occurred to me why. Thomas
was stalling for time. It became crystal clear to me that he didn't want to
fool around with me, after all he had gotten off, he was happy. I was
crushed and suddenly pouted, I got up and said goodnight to his parents and
to Sara, I wasn't going to risk looking at Thomas, because I knew that I
would become emotional and then would have to explain to the others why I
was upset.

Thomas, suspecting what had just happened followed me up the stairs, I
ignored Thomas as he tried to speak to me when suddenly he grabbed hold of
my arm and spun me around to face him.

"What's the matter with you?" He asked.

"Nothing. Leave me alone. I'm tired, I just want to have a shower and go to
bed." I said angrily.

Thomas stared hard at me and then shrugged his shoulders. "Fine, suit
yourself."

I had my shower, brushed my teeth, changed into my pyjamas and left the
bathroom. By then the lights in Thomas bedroom were switched off so I
tiptoed to my bed and quickly climbed under the bed-covers. Thomas didn't
make a sound although I was sure that he was still awake. I could not get
to sleep as I tossed and turned in my bed, it was well after midnight when
I finally succumbed to exhaustion and fell into an uneasy sleep.

In the morning Thomas was back to being his old self, pretending as if
nothing had happened the previous night. He was cheerful and even tried to
be playful with me, but I would have none of it as I was still
pouting. Having had virtually no sleep didn't help my bad mood either.

"What's eating you?" He asked becoming annoyed with me.

I answered back sulkily "Nothing."

" Yeah right, you sure aren't your usual cheery self this morning."

I didn't respond; I just stared back coldly at him.

"I'm going downstairs," I finally said as I turned to walk away from him.

Thomas grabbed me by the arm. "If you're going to carry on like a baby,
then you might as well go home, because you're sure not going to be any fun
to be around," Thomas said with a mean expression on his face.

I stared back hard at him. Arrogantly, I shrugged my shoulders and said. "
Ok."

Without saying another word I packed my clothes into my backpack and left
Thomas bedroom to go home, he didn't even acknowledge me leaving.

"Are you going home?" Sara asked when I passed her in the hallway.

"Yeah, dad and I have some stuff we have to do today." I lied.

"Well you're going to have breakfast first aren't you? Mum's made
pancakes."

"Thanks, but I really have to get home, my dad told me to get back early."
I said lying once again.

She looked deeply into my eyes giving me a curious look. Sara knows me well
enough to sense when I am lying. I am sure that Sara deduced that something
had happened between Thomas and I, but Sara chose to not mention it,
instead she put her arms around me squeezing tightly in an affectionate
hug.

"Why did you do that? " I asked surprised by her spontaneous show of
affection towards me.

"Because sometimes, ' my other little brother' needs a hug as well." Sara
said smiling.

I shrugged my shoulders and feeling a little sad I said, "yeah he does."

Later on the way home, I couldn't help but think that if Thomas, were more
like Sara, then I would be truly happy.

Dad was surprised to see me. "How come you're home so early, is everything
ok?"

"Yes dad I'm fine, Thomas and his parents had something on," I said, as I
lied for the third time in one day, realising sadly, that I was getting
quite good at it.

All that day I was feeling somewhat unloved, dad noticed because I was a
bit clingy around him. He knew that there was something the matter but he
didn't ask a second time. I guess he figured that if I wanted to talk about
it, I would.

As Thomas and I don't share any classes, avoiding him at school is
relatively easy. The only potential problems are at morning recess and
lunchtime. If I eat my lunch in the Library then there is little or no
chance of bumping into Thomas, as I don't believe Thomas even knows the
school has a library. Going home that after noon I hopped on board the
express train, I knew full well that Thomas would never catch that
particular train because it made no sense as it didn't stop at our stop,
but rather its first stop is one station later. Catching the express train
means having to walk further from the train station to get home.

For the rest of that week I pretty much managed to avoid Thomas, seeing him
only occasionally in the hall. I was starting to feel terribly lonely, but
my feelings were still to substantially hurt to consider speaking to
him. Each time I thought about reconciling with Thomas, I would visualise
the look on his face as he stalled for time that night, so as he wouldn't
have to touch me. That memory made my blood boil and the feelings of anger
drove back my loneliness. Thomas was by now also angry and to show it he
was hanging around more and more with his sporty type friends. When I saw
him in the hall on Friday morning. Thomas made sure that I overheard him
make arrangements to meet his friends on the weekend to see a movie. A
movie I might add that Thomas and I talked excitedly about seeing together.

A positive aspect about school at the moment, was that I was no longer, at
least for now, being bullied, as Nick had his own problems. When I did see
him, he seemed to be on the verge of saying something to me, but at the
last moment changed his mind and walked away mumbling. I suspect fear of
being beaten again by his father constrained him.

Friday lunchtime, Nicks ex gang member and friend Crabb came over to talk
to me. He asked me if I was OK, I told him yes.

"Look kid the others and I, never meant for you to get hurt like that,"
Crabb, who I soon discovered had a real name, which was Jim. Told me.

I looked him in the eye in an attempt to gauge his sincerity. He did seem
to be genuine in his apology. After all I remembered that he had tried to
get Nick to stop beating me, I was curious about that so I asked him. "Did
you stop Nick from beating the crap out of me, after I was out cold that
day? "

"Yeah. He wasn't to happy about it either," Jim said rubbing his jaw to
indicate that he and Nick had gotten into a punch up over me.

"I wanted to thank you for that." I said shyly.

"That's OK. Look I feel really bad about the way we have been treating
you. I don't know why we went along with Nick. He's a Psycho you know?"

For a moment we both looked a little embarrassed, so to change the subject
I asked Jim what the deal was with Nicks Father.

Jim shrugged his shoulders, " I don't know, I've never been to Nicks house,
he doesn't invite anyone over."

That Nick didn't have friends over to his house didn't really surprise me,
so I told him that my dad had been to visit Nick at his home whilst I was
in hospital and that dad was surprised to find that Nick had been severely
beaten. While talking to Nicks father, It didn't take dad long to discover
that he is an abusive alcoholic who had beaten Nick senseless because he
had gotten suspended from school for attacking me.

"I didn't know that, Nick told us he got into a fight with an older kid,
like a year 12 guy and that the other kid looked even worse then he did."
Jim seemed genuinely surprised to hear about Nick's father.

"Nick probably doesn't want to admit that his father did it, I mean like I
can understand that." I said.

Jim didn't say anything but nodded his head in agreement.

After a pause in the conversation I said, "Jim can I ask you something?"

"Sure kid. I mean Dan, that's you're name isn't it?" He asked.

"Yeah Dan or Daniel, but not Danny I hate it when people call me that."

"Why did Nick and you guys choose me to pick on? I don't understand what I
ever did to make you guys so angry." I asked, desperate to find out why I
was their victim.

Jim seemed to think for a moment, as though he were struggling to
articulate his thoughts into words.

"That first time, I guess we picked you because you're kind of small and
you look a bit to pretty to be a guy. Nick said you were a faggot and that
we should ugly you up a little to make you less attractive."

As I listened to him I was flabbergasted;"You wanted to disfigure me,
purely because of my appearance. I can't help the way I look, it's not my
fault." I stated angrily.

"Look man, don't get shitty with me, you asked me why we picked you and I
told you." Jim said as his face reddened with embarrassment.

"Sorry, you're right and I didn't mean to upset you." I apologised.

There was an uneasy pause in the conversation then suddenly Jim asked.

"What's the score with you and Tom P?"

"What do you mean?" I asked, confused by the question.

For a moment Jim's face got even redder. Then I figured out what he was
asking me. Considering how Thomas had been treating me lately I was almost
tempted to tell him that we we're lovers and that we have sex every school
night and twice nightly on the weekends. But instead I got angry.

"No way man, Thomas and I have been friends since I moved here. We are
friends that's all." I said blushing angrily.

"Cool, I didn't mean anything, its just Nick reckoned you two were like gay
or something." He said.

"Well how would Nick know? Look you would have to be a complete moron to
judge people purely on face value." I said.

"If he thinks Thomas is queer then how come Nick, never went after him? " I
asked curiously.

Jim shrugged his shoulders. " I guess because he Tom would have fought
back."

I soon discovered that Thomas was right, everything that had happened to me
happened only because I was too much of a coward to fight back. Knowing
that didn't do a lot to help my already low, self-esteem.

"Because I am a coward, that doesn't mean I deserve to have the shit beaten
out of me, I never did anything to harm you guys. " I said.

"No you didn't deserve to, but can I give you a little piece of advice in
case something like this happens to you again. Next time go spastic and
scream madly, throw punches wildly, anything, and just don't lie there on
the ground like a stunned mullet. It will be bad the first time but then it
won't happen again. It was because you just lay there and took it that
seemed to upset Nick the most."

"I wanted to ask you why you didn't have Nick charged with assault, by the
police. At assembly the day after you went to hospital the headmaster said
that you were going to."

I told him that it is my opinion that Nick is more a victim then I am. "
His dad is an abusive alcoholic that beats him for no reason. It seems to
me that Nick only knows one way to respond to a situation and that is with
violence. I can't help but wonder if maybe Nick sees my cowardliness and
his feeling of helplessness as the same thing, maybe he thinks that if
somehow I can fight back then so can he."

"Or maybe he is just a sadistic asshole." Jim said cynically.

"After what he did to you, how the fucking hell can you stand there and
sympathise with him? Who the fuck are you, mother Theresa?" he said
laughing.

I blushed a little. You don't have to be mother Theresa to show empathy for
others, if more people in this school had some measure of it then the place
would be a lot better for all of us. You big time jocks think you're so
cool. With your muscles and bullying attitude, like you rule the world or
something. You asked me why I like Thomas, well its simple, he could pound
the shit out of me anytime he wants he knows it and I know it. But he never
would because he doesn't need to pound on someone, to prove he's tough." I
retorted angrily.

"OK, OK don't get you're knickers in a knot kid. I understand what you're
saying. This whole episode has been a learning experience for all of us
dude." He said in a conciliatory tone.

Suddenly, Thomas appeared by my side. "Is this prick bothering you?" Thomas
said with a threatening glare at Jim.

"Thomas!" I said surprised to see him. "No Jim and I were only talking,
he's actually pretty cool." I said to Thomas in an attempt to diffuse a
potentially dangerous situation.

"Jim? You mean the gorilla has a name?" Thomas snarled.

"You want a fucking piece of me pal? Well come on go for it" Jim snapped
back angrily.

This was happening too fast. I could see things about to escalate even more
and get out of control, so I jumped in between the two of them, putting my
hands on Thomas chest and restraining him.

"No Thomas don't, we're only talking, I mean it. Jim is ok, he isn't like
Nick, in fact he stopped Nick that day, if he hadn't I might be dead now."
I explained, desperately trying to get Thomas to back off.

" Well he didn't fucking stop him soon enough did he." Thomas said glaring
at Jim.

It became evident to me that Thomas had his own agenda. "You're not doing
this because of me. You have your own reasons, which have nothing to do
with what Nick did." I yelled angrily at Thomas.

"Get out of the way kid, this is going down and there is nothing you can do
to stop it." Jim warned.

"Fine. Fuck the both of you. Beat the crap out of each other; see if I
care. You're just a couple of shit head jocks that want to flex your
muscles and prove how manly you both are. You're fucking egos are bigger
then your brains. Just don't pretend it has anything to do with me." I said
as I stormed angrily off towards the library.

"Feisty little bugger isn't he?" Jim said to Thomas as they both stared at
my back as I walked away from them, stunned by my sudden outburst.

"Yeah shame I cant convince him to be like that when assholes like you pick
on him." Thomas said, not as angry as he was a moment ago, but still not
ready to walk away.

Jim relaxed a little. "Look I made a mistake, I should never have gotten
involved with Nick, if it helps at all, me and the other guys never planned
to do anything to the kid. It was like spontaneous. Nick saw him and went
psycho, it just fucking escalated from there."

"Yeah and I guess that it wouldn't have been so bad if Dan had stuck up for
himself, I have been trying to get him too, but haven't succeeded yet."
Thomas lamented.

"Look Tom, I'm glad the kid has you to look out for him, because he needs
looking after. Unless he gains like 30 lbs. and grows two inches he ain't
going to do to well in a fight. If its any consolation you have my word
that if I see any guys picking on him again, I'll stop them, even if it's
that psycho Nick. It's the least I can do after what's happened." Jim said.

Thomas looked at Jim to see if he was being genuine, deciding he was he
said. "Fair enough, with the two of us looking out for him he might even
make it alive through to year ten." Nick said grinning.

Jim offered his hand to Thomas. Thomas looked at him for a moment and
decided that there was no point in harbouring animosity so he shook it and
they both smiled.

"Does the kid always talk that much?" Jim asked.

"Yeah, he never shuts up," Thomas laughed.

"He's had it pretty tough though. His mum died when he was eleven which is
when I first met him, before that he was home schooled, he'd never even
been in a school room."

"Must have been awful to loose his mother and then suddenly find himself in
school for the first time." Jim said.

" How did the two of you become friends?" He asked.

Thomas told him about the incident in the Skateboard Park.

"So you feel sorry for him, is that why you're his friend?"

Thomas thought about it. "Initially that was true, yes, but then I got to
know him. He really is pretty cool. Dan knows lots of stuff and he is
radical on a surfboard. All in all I would have to say that he is an
excellent friend, he would do anything to help anyone. But he is a bit soft
in the head sometimes, if you know what I mean, but hey, no one is perfect
and besides my mum likes him more then me." Thomas said smiling.

"Look Tom despite what you think I am not such a bad guy, I have a little
brother myself so I sort of understand you're wanting to protect Daniel. As
far as I'm concerned I can't say that he and I will be friends, but I
certainly am going to look out for him in the future. "

"Thanks, that would be cool." Thomas said.

Just then the bell rang and they both headed off on their separate ways.

After school on the way home on the train while I was reading my novel, a
shadow fell over me.

"I get the distinct impression that you're avoiding me." Thomas said,
surprising me.

I looked up at him. " I am not!" I said in an attempt to deny his
allegation.

"So the reason you are catching the express train is because you need the
exercise!" he said sarcastically.

I was caught out; he had me there. I didn't have a meaningful answer so I
simply shrugged my shoulders.

"Look Daniel, we need to talk about a few things."

"What's there to talk about. You think I am some sort of repulsive creature
that you can't stand to look at. The thought of touching me fills you with
revulsion. Or I suppose we talk about what a worthless coward and spineless
wimp I am." I suggested.

"Oh get up off you're high horse and shut up and listen instead of waffling
on like an idiot." Thomas said getting mad at me.

I was about to retaliate but he fixed me with his stare, so I clamped my
mouth shut.

"Lets go to Burger King, we can get a booth and talk." Thomas suggested.

I nodded but didn't say anything. "Well say something." Thomas glared at
me.

"Great, first you get mad at me for talking and you tell me to shut up, now
you're mad at me for being quiet. Make up you're mind will you." I said
antagonistically.

Thomas grinned, as he cuffed me over the back of the head, causing me to
smirk.

"What's the story between you and Crab? Jim I mean." Thomas asked.

"There isn't a story, he just felt bad about what had happened and wanted
to apologise. I mean what's done is done, he can't undo what happened to
me, but at least he regrets it. I actually think he isn't a bad guy, just a
bit dumb."

"Just a bit dumb like me you mean?" Thomas asked.

I put my arm around his shoulders, "Naaw Thomas you're not just a bit dumb,
you're a lot dumb." I said teasing him.

Thomas suddenly grabbed me in a headlock. "If I am so dumb how come you're
the one who is about to do a chicken dance on a public train? I mean, you
are about to do one aren't you?" He said as he squeezed down on my neck.

"Ouch, ouch, yeah you're right I was just about to get up and start
dancing." I said playfully.

Later at Burger King, after we ordered the minimum food, so, as we wouldn't
get kicked out of the restaurant by the manager, for loitering. Thomas and
I sat down in a booth where we could talk in private.

"Ok you're paying for the burger, so you can do the talking." I said
staring down at the tray in front of me and looking at the disgusting slab
of something or the other sandwiched between the two bread buns they call a
hamburger.

"Ok, well I want to talk about the other night, about what happened." He
started to say but I interrupted him.

"There's nothing to talk about, while I jacked you, you got off on thinking
that I was a girl, then you opened you're eyes and found me so physically
repulsive that you couldn't stand to look at me for the rest of the
night. Its simple, nothing more to say about it." I said conclusively.

"Shut up and eat you're, err, whatever it is, and listen to me." Thomas
paused as he looked down at the pitiful excuse for a meal.

Thomas explained to me, that what I failed to remember about the other
night is that I had instigated the whole affair. I had told him that I was
out to discover my sexuality and that I wanted to use him as a tool,
(metaphorically speaking that is) to see if I was actually gay or not. At
no time did I tell him that he had to do something other then actually get
off. By turning around at the end and asking him to do something with me I
was in fact asking Thomas to also deal with his sexuality. As it turns out,
Thomas isn't ready to deal with that. According to Thomas he is
straight. Because he got off when a boy was masturbating him didn't make
him gay. Especially he said as he had his eyes clamped shut and was
fantasising that I was in fact a girl. He said it wasn't fair for me to put
conditions on our friendship that forced him to make such a choice. Thomas
said that he felt I was putting him under pressure to consciously commit an
act of homosexuality. He felt as if he was cornered and that I was using my
friendship to make him do something that he didn't want to do.

Although I tried too, I failed to see a flaw in Thomas logic. He was
right. Not once during that whole episode in his bedroom did I consider
Thomas feelings. As far as he was concerned I was treating him like he was
an inflatable sex toy. I had substantially used our friendship for my own
personal benefit. The realisation that I had used him made me feel ashamed
and disgusted with myself. I guess it must have shown on my face, because
suddenly Thomas expression softened.

"Look Dan, I can't deny that in some way which I can't easily explain to
you, I find you very attractive, maybe its because we are such good friends
or maybe its because, well you do look very pretty for a guy." Hastily he
continued as he saw me redden.

"My advice to you Dan is simple, next time you want to fool around, don't
get me off until you have gotten off yourself, otherwise dude the only way
you will be getting off is with your own hand and alone in the dark. After
I blow my wad I start to think about what I am doing and I get cold feet,
but when I am like horny I will do nearly anything. You just got to get
your timing right." Thomas said.

"And you're telling me, that I am the slut?" I laughed.

"Hey I am not a slut, sluts don't have standards, I do. After all I
wouldn't let an ugly guy jack my knob, would I?" he said matter of
factually.

"So you-do think I am attractive." I said catching him out.

Thomas laughed out loud. " You're a cute pint sized little nymphomaniac is
what you are."

"Thomas, this is totally disgusting." I complained.

"Come on Daniel, its normal for friends to talk about this sort of stuff."
He protested.

"Not the conversation you idiot, this hamburger." I said, but it scored me
a second cuff over the head in as many hours from Thomas.

"You never told me Dan?" Thomas looked serious again.

"Told you what," I asked wandering what he was talking about.

"If after what happened you worked out if you are gay or not." He said.

"Oh that." I answered.

"Well?" he waited.

"Well what?" I asked in an attempt to stall for time so I could think of a
good answer.

"Are you gay or aren't you?" Thomas articulated the question better so I
couldn't possibly misconstrue his meaning.

"I don't know. Honestly I don't. I am so confused, its like even thinking
about you're cock," I blushed bright red as I said it, " makes me feel
funny inside. I know I want to do more, its like it all went so fast the
other night, that's why I tried to slow you down so as I could enjoy it
more, but you wouldn't let me, you just wanted to get off. I was building
up to sucking you're dick but I didn't have enough nerve. Besides I didn't
know if you would let me." I told him.

"You were going to give me a blow job?" Thomas asked incredulously.

"Well I was thinking about it." I admitted.

"Ooh man why didn't you say something I would have held off for sure."
Thomas confessed, blushing when he realised what he had just said.

"Cool." I said grinning at Thomas mischievously.

I told Thomas that in all honesty, what happened the other night brought me
no closer to answering the fundamental question, am I gay or not. I was
starting to suspect that if I were to be gay then I was certainly flexible
about it, as thoughts of girls had also been creeping into my mind a lot
lately. The reality for me is that sexuality even at age 13 was never a
yes-no black and white answer. Even as I write this I go through periods
when I am sure I am gay and other times I am certain I am not. What I did
discover in time was that I definitely was spending too much time thinking
about it and not enough time enjoying the sensations. Its like my dad often
tells me, after all is said and done more is said then is done. I resolved
to think less with my brain, put a damper on my heartfelt emotions and let
my urges have a little more control over my actions.

Continued in, A new perspective.