Daniel & Thomas - 8. Chapter 8

A way forward... The conclusion to my story.

In my 15th year big changes occurred in Thomas and my life, we changed from
a public school to a private all-boys school. My dad who fundamentally does
not believe in private schools as he feels they are too snooty, finally had
to accept that the public school I had been attending right up to year
nine, was not good for me. Thomas changed schools simply because I did; we
were then and still are now, inseparable friends.

At first I was suspicious of the way people treated me at our new school, I
mean it was so alien compared to how I had been treated at the public
school a person couldn't help but be suspicious. It took the better part of
year ten to realize that not all schools are the same. In our new school
bullies are actually the ones that are in the closet not their victims.

You've heard the expression; he has come into his own. Well at the new
school I did. All of a sudden I liked going to school, I liked my teachers
I liked my subjects and surprise, surprise I discovered something I was
very good at, writing. I mean I always loved writing but for the first time
other people were telling me that my writing was better then average and
that I had potential.

I was no longer being bullied and I no longer felt threatened merely by
going to school I was able to get out of survival mode, which was great in
one respect but bad in another as it freed up my mind to think about things
in greater depth than I had previously.

A consequence of the new school was that I suddenly had friends and being a
large school there were lots to choose from. Being an all boys school there
just isn't the sorts of tensions that exist between boys and girls during a
normal school day in a co-ed school, like I mean egos don't seem to be
involved as much. Also us guys aren't afraid to put up their hand and ask
questions during class for fear of appearing to be a dork in front of the
girls. Being able to think freely is how my life started to change.

With regards to Thomas, I was starting to feel that our sexual relationship
wasn't going anywhere, don't get me wrong I absolutely enjoyed doing it
with Thomas. But something within me was changing at the time I couldn't
actually put my finger on exactly what it was. Around about fourteen and a
half I started getting pretty heavily into the net and chat-on-line, more
specifically gay chat. By the time I was 15 I had well established
relationships on the net in a particular chat room, a chat room that was by
in large gay. When I first started going there I was convinced that I was
gay and I thought I had found somewhere that I would fit in. Unfortunately
like most good ideas it didn't quiet work out the way I expected.

Here I was in a chat environment, predominately gay and at that time I was
convinced that I also was totally gay and I still didn't fit in. Imagine
how confusing it was for me to discover that I neither fitted in, in the
straight world or in the gay world, so where did that leave me? Stuck
someplace in the middle I guess.

Meanwhile Thomas had started dating girls, the relationships never lasted
long, and there was a long string of girl friends because like I said Thomas
is way cute and sporty like. His searching for the ideal girlfriend convinced
me that I needed to do something for myself. I had long since given up any
hope of convincing Thomas he was gay and I saw it as inevitable that one
day a girl would come along and she and Thomas would hit it off and that
would be the end of me in the potential long term partner stakes. I
couldn't understand why the thought of Thomas with a girlfriend, meaning
him and me not fooling around anymore didn't depress me as much as it
probably should have.

One of the rituals of the new school was the dreaded school dance, man was
that a scary thing. Sometimes I think it would have been easier to stay at
the old school and have the crap beaten out of me every day by a bully,
rather then have to deal with something like finding a partner for a school
dance, Of course the school dances are compulsory attendance.

I might digress here a little and mention that right from year ten, my
first year at this school I landed a position on the school newspaper, I
love writing for the paper and have written heaps of editorials since, but
one editorial in particular I want to share with you is one I wrote
specifically about my first upcoming school dance, If its boring just skip
over it but I kind of thought some people would enjoy reading it, as its
very much how I felt at the time.

MY EDITORIAL IN THE SCHOOL PAPER,

SCHOOL DANCE

Sitting here in the canteen, staring aimlessly into space, I am wondering
if I am the only guy who is filled with a feeling of dread, after having
read the notice pinned up on the Canteen bulletin board.

This particular bulletin board is infamous as the medium for relaying all
forms of bad and depressing news, it is strategically located next to the
cold drink vending machine, ensuring that all but diabetics and health food
fanatics are forced to read its unhappy messages. School dance, Saturday
31st of March, remember to wear your formal attire and ensure that you have
in your escort, an appropriately attired young lady. A hastily scrawled
message at the bottom read, if you are unable to acquire the company of a
suitable young lady for the evening, then you need to report to Mrs. F,
whereupon a suitably matched St A... Girl will be arranged for
you. Attendance is compulsory; nothing short of having received mortal
wounds or a non scheduled overseas trip would be considered as a valid
excuse for failing to attend.

Generally I have found that the notice about the upcoming dance has invoked
one of two very strong emotions in us guys. Wanton enthusiasm or fear and
dread. Me I am mostly in the majority and fall into the second
characterization fear and dread. The first group of guys are those who
already have girl friends, or those who's sporting prowess, is such that
they have received countless offers from future swim suit models, cleverly
disguised as school girls, to be their dates.

So why am I dreading the dance? Firstly I don't have a girlfriend, this is
a major obstacle, but I will come back to that in a moment. Secondly I
don't own a suit, thirdly and probably just as scary as not having a
girlfriend, I don't know how to dance. Ok so the suit isn't a problem, I
can have my dad hire one for me, even if I do run the risk of looking
prefabricated, and smelling laundered. Fortunately for me there is enough
time to buy a suit. So my problems are reduced to getting a date, and
learning how to dance.

Humour me guys, and consider going to see Mrs F, option, what did the
message on the bulletin board say? "Whereupon a suitably matched St A...
Girl would be arranged for you". Call me a pessimist, but I get the feeling
that a blind date with a suitably matched St A... girl would be akin to
becoming intimate with something that resembles a cross between a horse and
a vicious rodent. Horror movies scripts are written around this type of
scenario. Most of us, no matter how desperate have discounted this option A
couple of the more affluent of us guys are already implementing plan B,
booking their airfares for a weekend trip to New Zealand to visit a dying
relative. A relative, who, as coincidence would have it, has already been
on their deathbed twice this year. The relative each time escapes the grim
reaper at the last moment by making a miraculous recovery.

Because our family is not sufficiently affluent, and I don't have any
relatives in a New Zealand to start with, where I could escape to for the
weekend, I am left with only one alternative, find a date. To make matters
worse for me, I have the added complication of not having a sister, whom I
can bribe, threaten or otherwise coerce into providing one of her friends
as a suitable partner. I decide that I am well and truly screw... Hey I
can't use that word, ok I am romantically challenged. My brain is doing
mental gymnastics, trying to figure a solution to this problem. Each time I
think of what type of girl would make a suitable partner, I visualize one
of those well-disguised future swimsuit models. Maybe if somehow in the
next week I can gain 10 kilos and grow three inches and perhaps sprout some
hairs on my chin, as well as run the four-minute mile I might have a
chance? But the likelihood of this plan succeeding is zilch. Very quickly I
realise that when it comes to the dating ritual, I am clueless.

Three sleepless nights later I still don't have a viable plan. I am now
officially in panic mode. But I am a little comforted in the knowledge that
I am not alone. The majority of my classmates seem to be in the same
predicament. For some lucky guy's calling in an overdue favour from their
sister has solved the date problem, or by utilising whatever other means is
available to them. In a certain persons instance, who's name I wont
mention, mostly because he is bigger then me, his date resembles him so
closely that I suspect they are related by blood, something I feel sure
must be illegal, if it isn't it should be. I can't believe what some guys
will stoop to. I wonder if I should ask dad if I have any cute cousins that
I don't know about?

Finally in desperation I asked the oracle, my dad for help, however what
discernible advice I did get from him, probably worked well in the 1960's,
when free love and brightly coloured VW Combi-vans roamed the earth
unfettered. When all that was required to get a date, was to offer to share
your marijuana with your intended girlfriend, maybe even loan her your
autographed poster of Bob Marley for the weekend. To use this approach now
would be fraught with danger. The danger is your girl friends dad,
inflicting, grievous bodily harm onto you. Mind you, the mostly mortal
wounds, OUT CLAUSE, might then work. I decided to take a more pragmatic
approach. Firstly I needed to understand how girls think, after all to know
the enemy is to defeat it. So I decided to use my journalistic instincts.
Cleverly disguised as a reporter for the school paper, I travelled to St A..
College, to interview girls about the up-coming dance.

Having gotten permission from both the editor of the school paper and his
St A... counterpart I arrived at their playgrounds at the beginning of
lunchtime, paper and pen in hand, ready for the fray. This plan turned
out to be a most harrowing experience. Never again will I feel anything
other then empathy for a fish in a glass bowl, which is exactly how I felt,
being the only teenage guy in a crowd of three hundred screaming girls. I
could feel their eyes boring into me, even the smallest portion of my
exposed flesh was closely examined and discussed in minute detail. One girl
even went so far as to squeeze my buttocks. Now I know what you are
thinking, nirvana? I don't think so. Us guys like to assume the role of the
hunter not the hunted, which is exactly how I felt. I did manage to stutter
out some meaningless questions and got back just as meaningless answers.
Some of the comments that were directed at me, by boy starved girls, would
even have made a ship yard worker blush in embarrassment.

Finally just as things were about to get totally out of hand, a teacher
arrived just as the bell signalling the end of lunch, sounded. By then I
was looking somewhat bedraggled. My shirt had managed to part company with
my trousers, my hair was sticking out in every direction, my tie askew, and
my hat was no where to be seen, obviously it had become a trophy for one of
the more Amazonian St A... girls. I smelled of perfume. As for my notes,
totally useless, nothing more then nervous scribble, not a single
worthwhile thing had I learnt.

No doubt you are wondering why I have bothered to mention this most scary
foray into the female mind when it would seem to be devoid of a meaningful
plan to help you. Well it wasn't a total waste in fact I would have to say
it was a complete success. During the course of the interview I managed to
get, not one, but rather three offers to be my date for the school dance.
How does this help you? Your thinking, Well it doesn't. You are most likely
reading this and wondering what insightful advice JD is trying to impart
onto me? Well there isn't any. At the time of writing this I am still as
clueless as I was two weeks ago, but at least for me a trip to New Zealand
or a visit with Mrs F... Has been avoided. Besides I have bigger problems
then you, I CAN'T DANCE.

JDW...

Now where were we, ooh that's right the school dance? Well I had to find a
date for the dance, there is this guy at our school that I thought was way
cute and I had a major crush on him, he is like a year ahead of me. We met
on the net, but not in a gay chat room, Alex who not unlike me had been
through some rough times when he was younger so we related pretty well. I
got to know him more when I changed schools and right up to this day he is
one of my best friends. Anyway what I am trying to say is Alex has a
younger sister, my age. When I spoke with him about not having a date for
the dance Alex said he would ask his sister if she would go with me.

I had met Janna (Alex sister) plenty of times at his place, but I never
gave her a second thought, she is like a major babe and well out of my
league so I never even bothered, besides there always seemed to be guys
hanging around trying to get her attention. I thought that there was no way
she would go to the school dance with me so I didn't get my hopes up, and
besides why would I even care, being gay and all.

Well surprise of all surprises she said she would love to go to the dance
with me. At the time Thomas was like totally green with envy. Like me,
Thomas just couldn't believe she would go out with me. I didn't believe it
either, so I just came right out and asked her.

"Uhmm Janna, why are you willing to go to the dance with me?" I asked
nervously.

She looked at me with a strange expression on her face"Why wouldn't I go
with you, is there something wrong with you? Alex says you're really nice."
She answered matter-of-factly.

I blushed red as, "well girls don't usually think I am worth a second look"
I offered by way of an explanation.

"Well I am not girls, I am me and I think it would be cool to go out with
you" she replied.

So that was it, it was settled I had a date for the dance. Looking back now
I can't really say that I was nervous or anything, because at that time
there was no romantic inclination on my part, after all I am gay right? So
we went to the dance, we had the best time ever, I couldn't dance but I
wriggled real cute like and Janna was in fits of laughter all night. Later
after I walked her home I shook hands with her as I went to leave, she just
stared at me as if I was from another planet but didn't say anything. But
hey I am gay after all?

It must have been two weeks later when the phone rang and it was Janna, she
sounded way pissed off with me. I couldn't understand what I had done
wrong. She wanted to know if I planned on asking her anything in the next
while. I couldn't think for the life of me what she was on about so I
muttered "I don't think so." She dialed off, clearly not happy with me.

Almost straight away I telephoned her brother Alex and asked him what I had
done?

"Daniel you silly bugger, she likes you and HER school dance is Friday week
and she was hoping that you would ask her if you could go together." Alex
said.

I was dumbfounded, like me? Man that is so weird how can a girl like me I
am no one, I can't even play sports, I don't look my age, I don't have a
masculine bone in my body and she likes me? What's the matter with her, is
she like strange I asked Alex.

"Daniel you're the one that's strange, you shouldn't be so down on
yourself" Alex retorted angrily.

I promised Alex I would call her back and talk to her but not before I
spoke with Thomas. So I got on the phone to him straight away. I explained
to him what had happened; Thomas first reaction was way cool, are you going
to pork her?

For reasons I can not readily explain as I know Thomas would not
deliberately say anything to upset me, I saw red and lost my temper and
yelled at him. Suddenly the phone went quiet.

"Thomas? Thomas are you still there?" I asked.

"Yeah I'm still here." He almost whispered.

"What's the matter with you?" I asked him.

"You really like her don't you?" he asked.

Up until Thomas said that I had never even thought about it, I really
hadn't, why she was any different to any of the other girls he and I had
talked about, I mean he used words like pork and bone them and such with
just about every girl we knew. I was very confused and the silly part is I
was not even sure why I was confused.

"Well yeah I do Thomas but in the same way I like Sara, I mean I don't want
to have sex with her or anything" I told him.

"Well if you don't, then I reckon you're crazy" Thomas said.

We spoke for a little while longer, after I rang off my head was
spinning. I just couldn't reconcile the subconscious thoughts that had
driven me to react so violently to Thomas passing comments. Besides being
gay there was no where to go with this, so I got online and chatted in the
gay chat room for an hour, I got way bored and ended up reading for a
while, what I didn't do was telephone Janna. I had learnt a long time ago
that not dealing with things sometimes makes them go away (well it's a good
theory).

Well I have to tell you that didn't happen. Two days later when I got to
Alex place to borrow software from him I saw Janna. She saw me and walked
right up to me and smacked me in the mouth. I was stunned into disbelief at
what had just happened, tears welled up in my eyes, what did I do? Alex
gave me a disgusted look and said I probably deserved that.

I went home and was disproportionably distressed about what had happened at
Alex place. I felt I was so out of my depth in all of this I couldn't even
begin to comprehend what was going on. For the second time in as many years
I decided it was time to consult the oracle, aka my dad.

I told him exactly what happened, from the beginning to the end and I
waited for him to take my side and offer his sympathies, but it was not to
be.

"Daniel for someone that is supposed to be intelligent you're so stupid
sometimes" dad said.

I told dad not to state the obvious, merely by virtue of everyone seeing
what I was doing wrong except for me I must be stupid.

Dad then explained. "Janna likes you, you went out with her and had a good
time, you told me you did. You told me that you had fun dancing and that
you talked and talked with her and that she is really nice and very cute
and even that you wouldn't mind going out with her again if you got the
chance" dad said.

"Well you got the chance and you blew it, not only that it's obvious that
she asked Alex to have a quiet word in your ear just in case you were too
dumb to realize she likes you but still you ignored the signals." Dad
explained.

"But dad, why would anyone like me?" I realized what I said and tried to
back track, but dad stopped me.

"Daniel I don't know how you got to feeling so bad about yourself, when did
your self esteem become so low that you cant even understand how someone
can possibly like you. What's there not to like, you're a very handsome
young man, you have excellent manners, your funny and have a great sense of
humor, you're very intelligent and bright but more then anything else
you're a kind hearted kid with an enormous sense of empathy for others. It
seems to me young man, you need to start listening to others for a while."

I guess from my point of view, I saw myself as a wuss and a coward,
basically I measured myself by those things almost as if they were the sum
of me. It never occurred to me at that time that those traits are not
measures of a person, well maybe in certain circles they are but not in the
wider community.

I resolved to do something about Janna, I was about to take a gigantic leap
of faith, I was going to tell someone other then my friends on the net and
Thomas and my dad that I was gay. I phoned Janna and instead got her mother
on the telephone, she was nice but clearly not terribly impressed with me,
God was there no one that didn't know what a fool I had been. I couldn't
help but think take a number and stand in line lady. Finally a very
stand-off-ish Janna got on the telephone.

"Yes" She said abruptly.

"Uhm hi it's me Dan" I answered ever so meekly.

"Yes" she said again. She wasn't going to make this easy for me.

"Uhm I need to talk with you," I almost stuttered.

"Well Talk" she said, all business like.

I felt an overwhelming sense of hopelessness in this course of action so
instead I decided to forget it; I mean it wasn't like she was even going to
listen to me.

"Look sorry, I made a mistake calling you. I won't disturb you anymore,
bye" I said getting a little angry.

The phone went silent for a moment, then she spoke, "Don't you want to know
why I slapped you?"

"Well I already know why, it's been explained to me by ten different
people, I am an evil bastard and deserved what I got." I said, resigned to
my fate.

"I wouldn't be that harsh, more like I would say you are clueless when it
comes to girls" she said.

I nearly burst out laughing, thinking to myself, well aren't all gay guys?
Instead I said, "what do you mean clueless?"

Janna went on to tell me why she was mad at me, apparently she really liked
me and she thought that I liked her, she couldn't understand why I didn't
have a girlfriend, how we got on so well and had such a good time and then
treated her like she had the plague when it came to a second date.

"You're not like gay or something are you?" she said jokingly, only I
wasn't laughing.

"Oh my god you are, aren't you?" she said feeling embarrassed.

I was too stunned to answer, don't ask me why but I got all choked up and
couldn't talk, I told her I had to go I told her my dad had walked in and I
hung up the phone. I went straight up to my room, threw myself on my bed
and bawled my eyes out solid for an hour. Then I did a really stupid thing,
I got online and was so nasty to every gay friend I had that I was like
totally surprised that I wasn't banned and kicked forever from the chat
room.

I may have been ready to give up on myself but Janna was quite as
ready. The next day, which was Saturday, Alex phoned me and asked me if I
could have lunch with him at maccas. I didn't really want too, but I also
didn't feel like spending a morning with Thomas and explaining it all to
him, mostly because I didn't think that he would be sympathetic.

When I arrived at Macca's sitting right next to Alex was Janna. I was about
to turn and make a run for the door when Alex got up and grabbed my arm.

"Sit down, Dan and Just listen, I'll get some food and drinks." He said.

I couldn't look Janna in the eye I was way too embarrassed.

"Dan I don't much care if you are gay, do I come across as some kind of
homophobe?" she asked me. I told her that I didn't think that at all, on
the contrary I told her that I thought she was far nicer than any other
girl I had ever met in my entire life.

"Dan I am not looking for a boyfriend, all I want to be is your friend, I
had a really nice time with you the other night, I think you are cute,
funny and very intelligent. I am like totally sick of all the macho jocks
that keep asking me out and want to get into my pants the moment we're
alone, its way more fun to go out with someone nice and someone I can talk
with." She explained.

"So you don't care if I am gay?" I asked her incredulously.

"Nope not in the least, well as long as you don't start stealing my
make up or clothes" she laughed.

"I am not THAT gay," I told her laughing right along with her.

By the time Alex came back we were chatting along like two old friends.

I did end up going to her school dance and once again we had a really neat
time. Janna talked me into taking dance lessons which I enjoyed very much,
I learnt several dances so at least I could get up on the floor and do
something meaningful with my wiggles.

Over the next six months we went out all the time, the movies, dances,
parties we became very solid friends, then something strange
happened. Janna had a date with another guy.

I was insane with jealousy, I don't know why because it didn't make any
sense at all. I wanted to go out and buy a double sided ax and chop this
guy into little pieces. I stomped around the house like a lion with a thorn
its paw, three times in one week I got grounded by my dad for being rude to
him and others.

Janna telephoned me to ask me what I thought she should wear and I said
something that to this very day I am still ashamed of. "May as well go
naked course that's how you're going to end up at the end of the night."
Needless to say she hung up in my ear. My dad grounded me for another week,
which was ok because I deserved it.

Janna wasn't talking to me anymore, she went on her date, I never did find
out how it turned out but that wasn't the end of it. Even Alex was mad at
me, Thomas was the only person that seemed to understand, there was
something weird going on with him but I couldn't quiet suss that out
either, besides I had other things on my mind.

Finally Janna decided to confront me, she turned up at my place, I asked
her if she was going to hit me again? Instead she grabbed my head and
pulled me into a kiss.

Somehow the word kiss doesn't describe it, nothing before or even after has
come close to how I felt at that moment. I got an instant erection, I saw
stars, I could hear buzzing in my ears, I was tingling from the top of my
head to the bottom of my toes. When she finally broke the kiss I literally
fell over on my bum.

"Oh sorry Dan, I shouldn't have done that, I forgot you're gay!" she said
sarcastically.

Several times I tried to speak but each time my mouth opened but no words
came out. My erection was tenting the front of my trousers; Janna looked
down and she blushed a little but no where near as much as me when I saw what
she was looking at.

It was at that moment in time, that exact second when I realized two
things, two very important things, firstly I like Janna a lot more then I
was even willing to admit to myself, secondly, I might be gay but on the
other hand I might be a little straight also.

A couple of weeks later Janna and I were walking along the street, and she
reached out and took my hand, a seemingly simple act, I mean people do that
every day don't they? It had a profound effect on me though. Again I
tingled all over and my mouth was dry. I didn't know it at that time but I
was in love.

Over the next few months Janna and I became boyfriend and
girlfriend, all the while Thomas was getting weirder and weirder. He seemed
to be obsessed with downloading porn from the net and had little or no time
for anything else. I guessed that he may be feeling left out because of
Janna and me, so I resolved to spend more and more time with him. I probably
should mention that I decided to stop having sex with Thomas, it didn't
feel right to me anymore, besides he was getting way to rough with me
lately. Its not that I didn't desire him or find him attractive anymore, it
was simply that I felt it was not fair to either Thomas or Janna that I be
intimate with both of them at the same time. By intimate I don't mean sex
in case you were wondering about that, well not at that time.

All three of us went through a very rough year emotionally, for starters I
had to come to terms with my own sexuality, then I had to somehow convince
other people of it, specifically my friends on the net, which I might add
with the exception of a couple of people was a total disaster, they just
couldn't see the possibility that I wasn't like totally gay. I guess I can
understand their point of view.

I could dribble on and on about the following year but suffice to say I
reached a point in my life where I think I can make a fairly accurate
evaluation of my sexuality, though it's been a long time in the
coming. There is a part of me that is very much gay, there is no doubt
about that, there is another part of me that is very much straight,
there is also no doubt about that. I hear a lot of people use words like
gay, bi or straight and I can't help but wonder if it's that clear cut that
it can be put into a simple multi choice question, I mean I think its
different for everyone. The single most asked question in the chat room I
used to visit is, are you gay, str8 or bi, and I always avoided answering
that question by being either sarcastic, or smart mouthed or way outrageous
in my answer. Well I am finally prepared to answer the question, I should
ask for a drum roll, but it would probably wake you up.

The fact is with the right person under the right circumstances I can be
gay or straight, it totally depends on the person. Right at this moment in
time which is a couple of months after my 17th birthday that person is
Janna, I love her more then anyone I have ever loved before, I find it
extraordinarily difficult to write about her because my feelings run so
deep, but I will say this much, even just thinking about her fills me with
a sense of warmth and well being, just the smell of her hair arouses me, or
even listening to her voice. I can tell you for certain no guy except maybe
Thomas has ever had such a profound affect on me, maybe one day I will meet
someone that does, but not today.

I will be completely honest and tell you that I miss physical relations
with Thomas a lot, every now and then he tries to seduce me, just to check
and see if my resolve has failed me but so far it hasn't. I love Thomas now
as much if not more then I did two years ago, he and I are inseparable
friends. Unfortunately Thomas has not come to terms with his sexuality, I
long ago arrived at the conclusion that Thomas is gay. He won't ever admit
it and subsequently I fear that he will be destined to live a life in the
closet so to speak, which makes me very sad. I have tried and tried to make
him see the downside of that but he insists he isn't gay? In the end all I
can be is to be there for him.

I hope that this chapter hasn't upset too many people, at the outset I said
there were complex reasons why I had not completed my story, well now you
know them. I hope with all my heart that as you read my story that
somewhere in my words there is something that makes you smile or at the
very least makes you better understand me and the world I live in, if you
don't then I hope that at the least you have enjoyed some part of my
writing.

Joshua Daniel W...