Choices - 1. Chapter 1

In the background, children were playing, running and laughing. They were watched over by either their mom or dad who was engaged in a conversation with their peers. I was at the park, sitting alone in a bench, my mind a blank. To the outside world, I just seem like a guy who enjoys meditating on a lazy Saturday morning. But on the inside, strong conflicting emotions were spreading like wild fire throughout my entire being.

As I stare mindlessly at nothing in particular, my hearing suddenly caught the sound of running water. I was mildly surprised to realize that not all my senses were numb. I slowly looked around at the source of the sound and there, to my left about several feet away, was a fountain. It was not a magnificent fountain. In fact, it was rather very plain which was probably placed in the middle of the local park to give the ‘park’ feeling to visitors. But as I stared at the fountain, I vividly saw the continuous spray of water from the center and jets of sprayed water landing all throughout the perimeter of the fountain. Sunlight was glinting through the water and sparkles like diamonds were created. Without realizing it, the ‘beauty’ before me has calmed down my emotions. I was still alone in the bench but I was not miserable anymore.

I tried to think but stopped. Thinking will not be of help this time, I will have to do that later. I just sat and experienced the park. I closed my eyes and I was suddenly hearing the fountain as if from afar. Various sounds penetrated my hearing. The children’s laughter was still there. The murmur sounds of people talking all at once were still present. But there was also the sing-song humming of birds, the sound of a mild traffic somewhere nearby and various other sounds which I can’t identify at the moment. Suddenly, all my worries felt so insignificant as my consciousness became aware of all the living and non-living things around me, of the vast world of which I only take up a small portion. I sighed then and opened my eyes.

My vision was attacked by the sight of something dark blue and I could not help but recoil. As I look up, a handsome face etched with concern was looking inquisitively at me. A park jogger was standing in front of me wearing dark blue jogging pants and white shirt. I was suddenly inflamed. Why can’t anyone mind their own business?

“Can I help you?” I said with an edge in my voice.

He suddenly launched into an explanation of how he was jogging and minding his own business (which I doubt) when he suddenly spotted me. He said that he stopped because he thought that I was experiencing a heat stroke. It was a very hot day and I was sitting very still. I knew that I should feel thankful to this stranger for caring but if anything, I became angrier. He saw me at my weakest moment.

“I’m fine, just have a lot on my mind.”

“I’m almost finished jogging and I’m out of breathe, do you mind if I sit down with you?” He said smiling while breathing in and out hard.

“It’s a free country. Do whatever you want.”

I tried to ignore the jogger sitting beside me on my right. I listened for the sound of before but the moment was broken. Without anything else to do, I spied on the jogger. Without looking directly at him, I saw how he poured cold water from a bottle he brought on his head, the water cascading down his body. He then took a towel and dried himself.

“Sorry about that, did I splash any water on you?”

“No.” I said, trying hard to act as natural as possible despite being caught spying on him.

“I’m William but you can call me Will, everyone does.”

“James.” I said.

We then started chatting. Will was friendly and his happy disposition was infectious. He always ended his speech with a smile, showing his perfect white teeth and dimples on both sides of his cheeks. I could not help myself but warm up to him. He would unconsciously brush a strand of brown hair out his face from time to time. His hair was longish but kept neat. His light brown eyes were twinkling as he animatedly told me of how he was once chased by a Labrador as he was jogging in this same park about a couple of months ago. He ended the story not with a smile but with a hearty laugh. Without realizing it, I was laughing with him.

Suddenly I was the only laughing and I abruptly stopped as I felt his eyes on me. It was only for a brief moment but I knew that I’ll remember that memory for the rest of my life. My heart was beating fast, pumping hot blood throughout my entire body. My almost numb body was suddenly made aware of everything around me, especially of the handsome guy beside me. I slowly turned my head towards him and I directly saw, for the first time, his smiling face. I had never seen anything so beautiful before. A ray of sunlight was on his face, bathing him in dazzling light. The sight was simply perfect.

The next thing that happened was so unexpected, so wrong that I was horrified. He was asking me whether I want to go back to his place. He said it was only a few meters away and that I’ll enjoy the walk. I politely declined the offer and for the first time during our entire time together, his face was unsmiling.

His cheery attitude shined through in the end though as he had a huge grin on his face and playfully told me that he was going to be here tomorrow at around the same time and that he hoped I’d be here too. I just nodded noncommittally. The last thing I saw of him that day was his muscular back as he jogged further and further away from me. The events that followed thereafter were uneventful, dull and boring as compared to the excitement I felt when I was with Will. I went home and faced the reality that is my life.

The next day, I was again sitting at the exact same bench of yesterday. I was looking up to the blue sky, the same color as my eyes except that mine was a deeper blue. I was absent-mindedly stroking my short curly blonde hair when I suddenly felt someone staring at me. It was him and he was already smiling widely at me. I smiled back and stood up, offering my hand to him. He was taller than me, I’m exactly 6’ and he’s probably 6’2”. He briefly shook my hand and I was electrified when our hands touched.

We chatted again, he never seem to run out of stories and questions. I was totally at ease while talking to him. He wasn’t wearing jogging pants as was before, he was wearing a rather skimpy black cycling shorts which accentuated his muscular biceps. I knew that if I looked closely, I’ll be able to trace his cock through those cycling shorts but I controlled myself. Exciting as that would be, I felt that there was more to this man than his good looks and amazing body. The more we talked, the more I liked him. When I’m with him, it felt like nothing could go wrong. There was only me and him and all is well in the world. It was almost noon when he indicated that he had to go. Unlike yesterday, he did not ask me if I’d like to go back to his place. He just smiled, turned around and just like that, he was gone, lost in the crowd.

Thus begun the weekly meeting between Will and me. Every weekend, we would meet at the exact same bench, smiling and chatting about everything and nothing in particular. Sometimes, there was barely any talking, we just sat and observed things around us. As much as he seem to enjoy talking, he seem not to mind being quiet at times. My first impression of him being a happy-go-lucky guy was immediately forgotten. It gives me thrills whenever I catch him looking straight through me, as if he was searching for my soul, but he overshadows the incidents by using his most potent smile. I knew that he was interested at more than a friendship but I admire him for being sensitive to the fact that I do not feel the same at the moment. He also did not bother me with questions about my personal life but he’s always all ears whenever I volunteer information on the subject.

Through chatting, I was able to gather that he’s already 25 years old which makes me older than him by two years. He was not shy about being gay, in fact, he even told me of past boyfriends of which there was only two. He’s still friends with his exes and they have new relationships of their own. Inside his mischievous exterior lies a genuine decent guy. He wasn’t interested in just hooking up with other guys and having good times together. He was interested instead in really having a serious relationship, of being with someone who loves him and whom he loves. My heart ached a bit as he said this, it was just so romantic and sincere. I believed him when he told me all of these although he was smiling as he talked, there’s just something about him which made me feel that I could really trust him.

As for myself, I only gave him vague information here and there. I talked about safe subjects: about the experience of growing up with my siblings, about my accomplishments in school, about the joy I felt in making out for the first time with a girl in high school and other safe subjects. I did not mention any of my relationships and he did not ask.

Three months of meeting like this, Will arrived soaked in sweat through jogging as usual. I was already sitting at our usual bench in the park. Somehow, he did not seem himself, I was even of the opinion that he did not get much sleep last night. My suspicions were confirmed as he spoke.

“Listen, James, it’s probably not your business but I felt like you have to know. I met someone yesterday at work. He’s handsome and fun to be with just like you. Anyway, I was thinking of going out with him, that is, unless you don’t want me to?”

He then waited expectantly for my answer. I remained silent. I knew my answer to his question the moment he asked it but I just can’t make myself say it. He was still waiting for me to say something, patient as ever. A thunder roared before I spoke.

“Go out with him.” I said very silently.

If he was mad, he did not show any sign, but he was unsmiling. Thinking that the day would not get any worst, the sky darkened, lightning flashed and the thunder roared and soon thereafter raindrops started falling. We were both soaking wet before we got to the nearest tree which would shade us from rain.

We stood there facing each other. My blue eyes were mirrored from his brown ones. Though he did not spoke, I was able to tell that he was hurt through his eyes. Water ran down his right cheek, I was not sure whether he was crying or it was the result of the rain. Feeling responsible for the pain that he was experiencing, I reached for him. The back of my right hand brushing off the water running down his cheeks. I shivered not from the cold of being soaking but because of the electricity I felt when I touched his cheek. He closed his eyes then as I continued rubbing the back of my hand against his cheek. The moment was so perfect, there was nothing I could to stop myself from moving closer to him and touching my lips against his. It was only brief but the realization of what I’ve done finally struck me. My knees buckled and I weakly collapsed sitting on the wet muddy grass.

Minutes later, I was still sitting down, unmindful of getting dirty and wet from sitting in the wet muddy grass. When I finally looked up, there was no mistaking that Will was crying. Before he could turn around and ran, I managed to get up and ran after him. We ran in the rain, splashing water all over us as our foot ungently touch land. When I finally caught up to him, we were at the door of what I assume to be his apartment. He got in and I followed. We rode the elevator five floors up to get to his apartment, we were unspeaking and we were dripping of water, a puddle forming at our feet. As the elevator door opened, Will got out and I immediately followed. At the door marked 512, he took out his keys and unlocked the door. He got inside and I tentatively waited outside. After a couple of minutes, I finally mastered enough courage to move my feet one step at a time and pass through the door. Will was waiting inside.

He stood naked in his living room. His face was unusually serious and he was studying me. I was only a few paces from the door and I stood unmoving on the spot.

“I don’t want to do this.” I finally said.

The sadness crept in his eyes again. The beauty of this naked man standing before me suddenly marred by sadness. I instantly regretted what I said.

“Why?” He said.

“I remember you telling me that you don’t fool around with guys, that you’re looking for a genuine relationship. I can’t give you the relationship that you want and deserve.”

His next words were calculating.

“I’d rather have this single moment with you than a life-long relationship with anybody.”

With that said, he closed the distance separating us. We were suddenly face to face, staring at each other. He put both hands on either side of my face and planted a lingering kiss on my lips. I kissed him back and soon we were both breathing hard as we kissed each other deeply, our tongues sometimes joining in the action.

Soon he was undressing me, my clothes were soon a wet pile of cloth in the floor. When I was fully undressed, he stepped back a bit and looked at my naked body. His eyes admiringly examined every part of me. His stare inflamed me so much that I finally felt myself get hard. He wrapped his right hand around my growing 8” of manhood as his lips found my neck and chest. He was kissing and licking all over my neck and chest while my hands were on his muscular back, caressing. His lips were making its way down my abdomen until finally, he gave my cock the softest kiss in the head. I was torn between horror and pleasure as I witnessed him licking my cock and balls and then finally wrapping his lips around my cock and pushing my entire length inside his mouth all the way down his throat.

He made love with my cock using his mouth. I softly moaned as he started bobbing his head up and down my cock, going faster as time goes by. Though I knew that I would regret the whole thing when it’s finally finished, the thought did not stop me from unloading my hot cum inside his mouth. He was swallowing it all and he milked my cock dry. When he’s finished, he let go of my cock and sat on the floor, relishing the taste of my cum inside his mouth.

I looked down at him and I couldn’t help but notice his erect 9” of cock. I sat down opposite him on the floor. I kissed him this time tasting my own cum from his mouth and we made out for several minutes. I was gently pushing him, making him lie down on the floor. I held his cock and then played with his balls as my lips were enjoying the feel of his soft skin. He emitted soft moans as my lips landed on his body. Finally, my face was mere inches from his manhood. It was already sticky with precum. I extended my tongue and had a lick of his precum. It was unusually sweet. The unexpected taste made me lick as much of the precum as I could until I finally had his cock inside my mouth and working towards taking it all in, gagging as I tried. I succeeded and soon his apartment was filled with moans of pleasure originating from him. The moan was replaced by a scream when he awarded me with his generous amount of cum. It was bitter sweet and I swallowed it all.

It was still raining outside when I finished. I looked at my wet clothes on the floor and shivered at the thought of putting them on.

“You can’t go yet.” He said.

I looked at him lying on the floor and my body just automatically reacted at his nakedness. He reached out for me with his hand and I reached back to him. Without any warning, he pulled me hard towards him and losing my balance, I landed on top of him. He expertly rolled both of us until I was the one lying on the floor and he was on top of me. He then sat on top of me and straddled my abdomen. I was looking up at his handsome face and he was grinning. The grin, however, was not reflected at his eyes. His eyes were still full of sadness. As I was concentrating at his face, it was minutes before I finally felt that he had a hold of my already hard cock. He was holding it and aiming the head at his asshole. He then pushed back against my cock and with just a slight whimper, the head penetrated his hole. I was then feeling the warmth and tightness of his hole. He moved rhythmically and soon my manhood was sliding with ease in and out of him. Both ignoring the consequences of this unprotected penetration, I spewed my cum deep inside his ass.

“You need to go.” He said as soon as he got up from me. I was still high from the experience of having sex with this handsome guy and was jolted back to reality at his words especially at the way he said them. It seemed so final, as if this was our last time together. I was about to say something but was cut off by his single word: Go.

A week later, I was at the park, sitting in the usual spot, waiting for Will. Deep inside I knew that he was not coming but that did not stop me from hoping that he might. I was suddenly aware of the numerous joggers around me but Will was not one of them. I was tempted to go to his apartment but I stopped myself. Instead, I thought about Liam. Liam is my partner, the very reason why I can’t be with Will.

I loved Liam and he is still special to me. I don’t actually know how but I knew that I fell out of love. We have been together for five years and at the beginning of the partnership, everything was perfect, we were still both in love with each other. He was my bestfriend and I mistook my extreme likeness for him as love. I love his company, his humor and his beautiful mind. I just love being with him. Afraid of having all of that taken from me, I proposed to him which he gladly accepted.

I was thinking of Liam the day I met Will. I found out that day that Liam was seeing another guy. I was not devastated at the news of him having an affair. I was miserable because I did not care. After loving someone and being married to a guy for five years, it was just easy for me to let go. We did not break up that day, we were still living together and he was still seeing his guy. My ‘affair’ with Will continued but something was holding me back. What if I fall out of love with Will too? Yes, I was already deeply in love with Will but was afraid to tell him.

I knew I had to do something soon. My inactivity had already cost me the love of Liam and Will. Somehow I knew that I have to take control of my life again. That night I told Liam everything. We broke up that night but had remained friends. I was then suddenly busy with looking for a new apartment and moving my things from the flat I shared with Liam. It was not easy and painstaking. After much thinking and soul-searching, I was able to forgive myself for what happened with Liam and Will. Those two thought me a lot about myself and love. Finally letting go and at peace with myself, I returned to the park a couple of months after.

It was just as it was before. I sat at the exact same spot, my attention immediately on the fountain. A light breeze sprayed drops of water towards my direction. The experience refreshed me. I stood up and walked around. I never fully realized how peaceful the park is. I watched the children playing with rapt attention. As I walked, my attention focused on people sitting on benches, some were reading newspapers, some were chatting with their peers and some were meditating on their own. As I reflected, it suddenly felt again that all my worries seemed so insignificant when contrasted against the vastness of the world and of the multitude of people around me with worries of their own.

After walking around for almost an hour, I decided to go back to the bench near the fountain. I was a mile from the place when I spotted someone sitting there. I was a bit disappointed, somehow the bench felt like it belonged to me. The man was rubbing a towel on himself and I had already uttered the words before I realized who the man was.

“Would you mind if I sat down?”

“It’s a free country, isn’t it?” The man replied.