The Watch - 10. Chapter 10

Robert wasn't looking forward to visitors. He was happy being by himself in a deep depression. Why did Josh have to end his martyred solitude by bringing his old college buddy and Patrick here. He had just built a nice rut for himself and he wasn't going to let those two ruin it for him.

On the morning of their arrival, Robert looked at himself in the bathroom mirror. He hadn't shaved in over a month and not even showered in three days. The house was littered with twice worn cloths and take out containers. The presence of a few flies on the mirror just added to the reeking atmosphere that Robert had allowed to envelop his now very small world.

This was a major change for the well manicured neat freak he had always been but without Josh, none of it seemed to matter anymore. It was in a way quite liberating not to have to worry about his appearance.

Robert sighed as he continued to stare at the mirror. He knew he should clean himself and the house up before Patrick and Mike arrived but he couldn't get himself moving. "If they want to interfere in my life, they'll have to just take me as I am." he mumbled to himself as he left the bathroom.

Not wanting to be disturbed from his mopping Robert unlocked the front door and returned to bed, covering himself with the sheets. He remained there for several hours until he heard a knock on the door. Then he halfway got out of bed but then gave up and covered his head with a pillow. The knocking became more insistent followed by shouting.

"Just open the damn door." Robert moaned, wishing they would just go away.

As if by magic, both the knocking and the shouting went away all by once. Robert sighed in relief but instead of hearing a car drive off, he was startled out of bed by the smashing of glass.

"What the hell is going on here?" Robert shouted as he draped a sheet over his nude body.

Unlocking the sliding doors was a mad Mike and a nervous Patrick. "Why did you not fucking open the door?" Mike shouted as he slid the door open.

"It was already unlocked!" Robert returned, his hackles raised by having this stranger bust into his house.

"Well how in hell were we suppose to know that!" Mike returned as he got into Robert's face.

The two men stared each other down ready to fling fists at another instigation. Robert was mad that his solitude was broken. Mike was angry that this unshaven bum did not have the decency to meet them at the door let alone clean himself and the house up.

Patrick, seeing that a fight was about to break out put a hand on Mike's shoulder to try to calm him. Mike turned his beet red face to Patrick, saw his concern and relaxed."

"You're lucky you're face is so cute or I might of hit you right now."

Patrick blushed on hearing Mike's remark. During the preparations and the flight here, Mike flirted with him unabashedly. For both of them it had been lust at first sight but both had held back so far. Mike held back because he didn't want to take advantage of his old friend's half brother while Patrick was still nervous about become over attached as he had with Andrew but both knew what they wanted and it was each other.

As the two love birds continued to stare at each other Robert continued to glower. These two were suppose to help him feel better? They were in love; Robert could see it written across their faces. Robert wanted to forget his lost love but with these two around it would be impossible. Seeing that they had completely forgotten him Robert went back to his bed and hoped they would just ignore him and leave.

That was hard to do. After an hour Robert could here the vacuum running and the clinking of beer bottles as they were tossed into a bag. Later Patrick came into the bedroom, a little bow legged , and began to pick up the dirty cloths scattered about. Once the room was in some order, Mike came in with the medical equipment which was mostly a pump and IV drip. He looked down upon the sorry state Robert was in. Patrick handed Mike an alcohol swab to sterilize the back of Robert's right arm. Mike asked Robert to get out of the bed but Robert only grunted. This caused Mike to throw the swab on to the ground.

"He's not worth it!" Mike fumed.

"But Mike..." Patrick tried to say.

"Look at him Patrick... He's a bum who doesn't care how much he hurts those who try to be his friend. Why should we bother to save a man who won't even care?" Mike interrupted before turning his attention back on Robert. "You probably never loved Josh in the first place."

This triggered a reaction. Robert made to punch Mike in the gut but Mike was ready for it. He shifted to his side, letting the fist move past him before grabbing the arm and pulling it behind Robert's back. He then used his other arm to put Robert into a headlock. Robert tried to struggle for a while but with his air flow greatly cut off he was forced to relax.

"I told you I could get him moving." Mike told a stressed out Patrick with a deep chuckle. "Now are you going to behave Mr. Townsend?" Mike asked Robert.

Robert, barley able to breath let alone move just kept still.

"I'll take that as a yes. Now... this is what we are going to do. I'm going to release you but as soon as I do I want you to move that ass of yours to the bathroom and clean yourself up. I mean soap, shampoo, toothpaste, shaving cream... the works! Patrick is going to inspect you and will send you back if you come out of there still smelling like a dead summer pig. After that, I'm going to give you a physical and discuss how the treatment is going to work. It's going to take six weeks and I would rather not have to sedate you just to get you through it but so help me... if you keep on acting like a jackass I'll chokehold you till you pass out. ...Now get in there and come out at least half a man." Mike finished before releasing Robert.

Robert gave the larger man a deadly stare but slowly made his way to the bathroom. Mike sighed and began removing the bed sheets after he heard the door lock. "I hate doing that..."

"You do! You had me fooled." Patrick said surprised

"Hey, I might appear tough but I'm a real softy on the inside. When I was in the closet I hid under the mask of a bully. It fooled everyone except Josh. Probably why I love the guy so much and willing to put up with Robert's shit."

"He wasn't always like this."

"I agree. He couldn't have always been like this or else he would already be dead. I purposely pissed him off just to see if he still cared for anything. Know Josh as I do if anything could get a rise out of Robert it would to say he never loved him."

"It was a cruel thing to do."

"That's why I said I hated doing this. In my line of work I run across a lot of patients who have given up on life. Drugs alone won't save them; they have to want to live. Josh will never become Robert's partner but Robert's love of him can still be a reason to live."

"So you do care!" Patrick smiled as he hugged Mike.

"Of course I do cutie. My Josh loves this guy... I have to care."

While Mike and Patrick worked to get Robert's house in order, Josh got a call from Terry he had always dreaded. His adoptive father was dying and his adoptive mother wanted him to come back to the farm.

After leaving the farm for college, Josh had never looked back or even talked to the two people who adopted him. Josh had bitter memories of those years as the two tried to mold him to replace the son that died even going to the effort of changing his name to Fredrick. To reinforce it they had all of his cloths stitched with Fred's name on it. Josh was a good-natured person but he hated the two who raised him. They were never cruel to him but their insistence that he be someone he was not had given him a pretty miserable childhood.

"What do they want from me?" Josh said coldly when he got the call.

"He wants to say goodbye to you before he dies." Terry said in a sympathetic tone.

"But I already said goodbye to him... to both of them."

"I know Josh... but he's an old dying man. ...Can't you give him some peace before he dies?"

"You just had to phrase it like that." Josh said bitterly.

"It's the truth though."

"I know... It'll take me two days to finish up things here but I'll go."

"Do you want me to come with you?" Terry asked.

"Yes... that'll really help."

"... What about Andrew?"

"As far as I'm aware they don't know and I see no reason for them to know." Josh said bitterly.

"I think Andrew can give you more support then I can... and I think he needs to know about your past."

"... I don't like talking about it."

"I know but you said you want Andrew to understand you better... this might be your best chance."

"...All right... I'll talk with him and see what he thinks."

"Ok Josh... I'll go out ahead of you and meet you there."

"Thanks Terry."

"Bye Josh."

After Terry had hung up, Josh became lost in his thoughts. He had tried to run away from his childhood for years. He and so much resentment built up and instead of dealing with it he had buried it. The first day he had arrived at the farm he was excited, everything was new and his hopes in finding a new friends and family were top on his mind. Mr. And Mrs. Yates, the couple that adopted him, doted on him during the drive. It was after the first week that the couple began calling him Fredrick. At first, Josh had not understood whom they were referring to but when he would not respond to the name Mr. Yates would become angry. It was also after the first weeks that Josh's person items began to disappear. He would ask his new parents what was happening to them but they would only say that his room was too messy and he would find them when he cleaned it. He almost never did. The only personal item he ever found was his brother's baseball glove. It was on top of a pile of trash in the back of the family truck. Seeing it, Josh retrieved it and snuck in back into his room where he hid it under the mattress. It left a large bump and made sleeping uncomfortable but Josh didn't know where else to conceal his last link to his old family.

Late at night Josh would take out the glove and hold it, thinking about his dead parents, brother, and Robert, wishing Robert would come and save him. He was always careful to hide it before falling sleep.

After the first year, Josh asked if he could join the youth baseball team. It was then that Josh was finally was told why the Yates called him Fredrick. It turned out that Fredrick was the name of their deceased son. He had died when chasing after an errant baseball when a car struck him. They said Josh could play any sport but NOT baseball. Josh was also then told that his name had been legally changed to Fredrick Yates.

Josh reacted badly to the news. He insisted that they call him Josh but they were unrelenting. They gave him a choice of punishments, be spanked with a belt or to write his new name several hundred times before bed time. Josh, afraid, picked writing the new name.

So for the next six months Josh wrote "My name is Fredrick Yates" two hundred times every night, double if he didn't respond to Fredrick or wrote his old name on his homework assignments. Soon responding to Fredrick seemed natural but every night Josh would reach under his bed and hug his brother's baseball glove.

He must have been very tired that night but just once he forgot to put the glove away. In the morning when he was waken by the opening of his door Josh suddenly realized that he was still holding the glove. He quickly rolled over so that the glove was under him hoping to hide it.

Mrs. Yates, just as she had done every morning came in to wake her "Fredrick". "Time to get ready for school Freddy."

"All right." Josh responded, not moving an inch.

"Well get out of bed, I need to change your sheets."

Josh panicked, if he got out of bed while Mrs. Yates was still in the room she would see the glove. He had to say something to get rid of her. "I think I'm sick. Can you bring the thermometer?"

"Sick, you don't sound sick. Let me feel your forehead." Hi adoptive mother said with arched eyebrows as she sat down on the bed. "Now turn over."

Josh could feel her hands wrap around him to roll him over but Josh fought her attempt, wrapping himself into a ball around the glove."

"What do you think you're doing? Stop fighting me!" She said as she gave Josh a whack on the butt.

The stinging blow caused Josh to give up and relax. He let her turn him over, revealing the glove underneath him.

"Where did you get that?" She demanded as she took the glove from Josh. "Did you steal this?"

"No, its mine."

"I don't like it when you lie to me and do you know how I know you are lying to me... the glove has another boy's name on it. I don't know who this Nathan boy is but I bet he's looking for his glove. Now tell me the truth!"

"It's mine. My brother gave it to me. You were going to throw it away so I took it back."

"What are you talking about... you don't have a..." She started but suddenly realized whom Josh was referring to. "Well Fredrick, you should not of hidden this from us. I'm afraid I'm going to have to take the glove away as punishment AND I never want to hear about this AGAIN." Mrs. Yates said as she ran out of the room crying.

That was the last time Josh saw his glove and for two more weeks they had him do his lines until bedtime regardless of how many he did. Josh never forgave them.

Robert hoped that all that would be required of him would be to lay in bed and let the drugs work but Mike had different plans. Mike woke him up before dawn holding a collar and leash and a giant grin on his face.

"Sorry... I'm not into kink." Robert said in seeing Mike.

"Oh this is not for sex. I'm hear to take you for your morning run."

"Do I look like a dog?"

"Well you have acted like a bitch since I've come here... so if the collar fits...."

"I'm not going to wear a collar and I'm not going running."

"You will go running... the collar is only if you make me fight you for it."

"So if I go willingly..." Robert asked.

"No collar." Mike returned as he hovered over Robert trying to look menacing.

"Sigh. Alright I'll get out of bed."

"Good. I'll give you three minutes to get ready or else I'll come in with the collar." Mike called back as he left the room.

"What... how about a rolling start?"

"No time for it!" Mike shouted from behind the closed door.

Robert grunted and got out of bed, hurrying to a dressing room connected to his closet. He striped off his boxers and quickly put on a pair of running shorts, forgetting about his underwear. He pulled out a white tank top a pair of crew socks, and running shoes before heading out into the living room where Mike was waiting for him.

"Rats... you made it. I now owe Patrick ten bucks. I guess I'll have to take it out of your ass."

"What are you... some sadist and does Patrick and Josh know about this streak in you?" Robert huffed, catching his breath.

"I wouldn't call me a sadist, I'm more of a motivator. With Josh and Patrick, just kindness works."

"Why not use kindness with me then!" Robert complained.

"Hahaha, who are you fooling Robert. If I treat you with kid's gloves you would walk all over me. You're a player and all a player responds to is fear."

"I wouldn't say that." Robert defended himself.

"I would. You reek of fear. You were afraid of a committed relationship and see where it got you."

"Fuck you!" Robert shouted.

"Good, I got you angry. Now see if you can catch me." Mike grinned as he ran out the door.

Robert grunted as began chasing after his tormentor. They started on the roads but soon were heading up the hill. The pace Mike set was grueling, almost a sprint so by the time Robert reached the top, he had to stop and catch his breath.

"You did better then I thought you would do." Mike complimented.

"I didn't think a big guy like yourself could move so fast." Robert returned the compliment.

"I played basketball in college, cause of my size I could usually push my way to the basket." Mike explained.

"I can see that."

"Can I ask you a question? If you get well, what will you do?"

"I don't know... go back to work I guess. It would be better then staying here and wishing my life would end."

"I guessed that part. The question I'm trying to get answered is what are you going to do relationship wise."

"Try to get Josh back." Robert said matter of fact fashion.

"You really love him."

"Yes Mike... I do." Robert answered, using Mike's name for the first time.

"Then out of love can I ask you not to."

"Not to what?"

"Love him... at least in a romantic sense."

"How can you ask me that? You don't understand."

"Yes I do Robert, more then you have guessed."

"You are in love with Josh?"

"I was in love with him. I still love him greatly as a friend but back in those days I was a player like yourself. Could I of convinced Josh to sleep with me...maybe, but it would have been a mistake."

"How so."

"We have a lot in common. We are self-confident, protective, and PRICKS when it comes to relationships. Josh loves our self-confidence since he feels he lacks it. He has a need to feel protected I think due to the way he loss his family but what he doesn't need is some prick messing up his life."

"..." Robert remained silent.

"I was a prick but Josh still loved me making me love him even more. You fooled around on Josh and he still loves you. That sort of love makes him precious to people like you and me."

"I don't see your point."

"The point is that for at least men like us, men that fool around with anything with a human dick.... we are looking for acceptance but feel we don't deserve it. So when we come across a man like Josh, we think we've finally found acceptance but the problem is that feeling accepted does not come from another person... it comes from yourself. Trying to get back Josh will not solve your own problems. It will only make things worse."

Robert knew what Mike had just said was true and it unsettled him. He sat himself down and began to cry. He cried out of loneliness. He cried because he was giving up Josh. He cried because after all the years of trying to find love, he had never learned to love himself.

After a while, Mike sat down next to Robert and wrapped him in his arms, rocking him as if he were trying to comfort a child. When Robert has settled down Mike finally spoke. "It is usually after I give this speech that I fuck the guy silly to help him feel better but from what I've been told you're a top only." Mike chuckled to help lighten the mood.

"I could always fuck you." Robert said with raised eyebrows.

"Not until you're well, you're not." Mike said, reminding Robert while Mike came here in the first place.

"Oh... right." Robert replied.

"Which reminds me, I need to go over the side effects you're going to experience."

"Hit me doc."

"Well you will feel very nauseated but the big problem will be when we take you off the antibiotics. This stuff will nearly wipeout all the healthy bacteria in your intestines. While it grows back you will have a bad case of the runs to the point where you might experience dehydration. You will also need to be on a weaker, oral antibiotic so that infections of opportunity will not have a chance to grow until the good bacteria are there to prevent it."

"So how long will it take?"

"Six weeks of treatment and two in recovery."

"Dang."

But when it's done... you're cured. You can go back on the prowl again and not worry about infecting anyone..."

"I sense an "or" at that end of that statement."

"Or... you can start a journey of self exploration to find out what makes you happy and how to be comfortable with it." Mike suggested.

"Oh wise master, what choices you give me." Robert jokingly mocked.

"Look, I'm not telling you to go off to some Hindu temple and find yourself. Just see it as a chance to look back, and see how it will fit when you look forward."

"Still sounds hokey."

"Well it might but what have you got to lose."

Josh wondered what in the world he would gain by returning to the farm... nothing as far as he was able to guess. Terry hoped that by saying goodbye to them Josh could close that part of his life finally and not have it weigh on his shoulders.

As Andrew and he drove down the farm road Josh looked to see if things had changed any. Some farms were gone, others just had the paint faded a few more shades. A small handful looked as if hey had expanded, taking over their less fortunate neighbors. While the air smelled the same, things were slowly changing this land as private farms made way for larger corporate ones. It panged Josh's heart that this changed did not seem to affect him. He would of thought that watching his old neighbors disappear would of made him sad but instead he felt indifferent and that troubled him. Had he let his memories of this place remove his ability to show empathy? He had hated this place. Maybe he had hated it too much. Guilt began to grow within him as he began to have doubts.

His adoptive parents had been wrong to try to raise him as their dead son but why had Josh not found happiness somewhere else. Terry was proof that the people living in the farm community were good people mostly but Josh had closed his heart to most of them. He had not let their acts of kindness change his view that this place was a terrible. He must have appeared standoffish in this relaxed environment. Instead of trying to get to know the people he had let his excuse that he was too shy be his mantra on why he had few friends. Terry was right... this trip was going to be an eye opener.

"Doing ok Josh?" Andrew asked concerned.

"What?" Josh said, shaken out of his thoughts suddenly aware of a constant bumping sound as the car road along the medium. Josh quickly swerved the car back into its lane, causing the luggage to fall over. "Sorry..."

"It's ok babe. I know you must have a lot on your mind."

"Just nervous is all."

' And..." Andrew elbowed him.

"Feeling some regret as well."

"Over what?"

"The Yates... my adoptive parents... I really didn't treat them too well."

"That's understandable. From what you have told me they tried to raise you as Fredrick. Yuck... I don't know if I could of fallen in love with a Fredrick. Josh is so much more suited to you... and more cute too."

"Hey, I had to live with that name for almost a decade and you better get use to it cause from what Terry tells me all the folk there still refer to me by that name."

"Well I'm not going to call you by that name." Andrew said as he stomped his foot down and was rewarded with a kiss.

"You better not!" Josh laughed.

"I knew I could lighten the mood." Andrew beamed with pride.

"That's why I brought you around... I think my mood will need a lot of brightening on this trip.

"Whatever and whenever you need Josh... I'm here for ya."

"That's why I picked you," was Josh's mental response.

As they got close to the farm, Josh could see that all the neighboring farmhouses were gone and at the entrance to one of them was a large sign showing that the surrounding area was now part of a soy bean concern.

When they finally approached the main farmhouse, Josh saw that nothing had changed. The house was painted bright blue with white trim, the windows were each covered with sky blue drapes and the weather vane still showed a red rooster on its top. The orange truck was gone and replaced by a green one but that was it in regards to difference in the mental picture Josh held of the place.

As they got out of the car, Terry came out the front door to greet them.

"Glad you came Josh... and you too Andrew. Doctor Lanier does not give him much time."

Josh nodded his head and made his way into the house. Several people were there, all of them people Josh recognized from the local community. Pastor Simms waved his hand when he saw Josh and followed him into the bedroom.

What Josh saw shocked him, Mr. Yates looked like he had aged 30 years in the ten years Josh had been gone. His hair, kept black with shoe polish was now white and frizzled. The left side of his face hung loose on his skull, sign of the stroke that was now killing him. But what disturbed Josh the most was the vacant look in the man's eyes. Bob Yates had always been a man of extremes. He was either very happy or very mad and one took a risk in approaching him in not knowing which he was feeling. The way Josh had been able to determine was by looking in his father's eyes. A squint was a warning to stay away while a wide twinkle indicated that something must have been tickling him funny. Now though, his eyes were vacant... showing nothing.

Mrs. Yates, who was kneeing by the bed stood on seeing Josh. She walked up to him and collapsed in his arms as she began to cry. For just a second, Josh held back, but in the end he wrapped his arms around the old woman and did his best to comfort her.

"What are we going to do Freddie?" The woman wept.

"..." Josh bit his tongue, now was not the time to get into that old argument.

"How is he?"

"He's dying." Mrs. Yates said, almost offended

"How much time?" Josh asked Dr. Lanier.

"Anytime now. We took him off life support in the hospital so he could die here. It was part of his living will."

"Alright." Josh nodded as he let go of his adoptive mother and approached the bed.

As he knelt by the bed Josh first wanted to shout all the things he had always wanted to tell his tormentor but seeing the man helpless and in a vegetative state it was now pointless. Josh had waited too long to try to make his peace with his adoptive father and it hurt. All the anger Josh had stored up over the years no longer had a target and so it turned on himself. His feelings of self-hate flared up again; the worse it had ever been since he tried to take his life. Everyone one in the room was taken by what looked like grief, everyone but three people, Mrs. Yates, Terry, and Andrew.

It was Andrew, the stranger in the group who went up to Josh, knelt behind him and hugged him, kissing him on the back of the neck. Don't worry hun... I'm here with you."

There were some gasps and several people left the room on seeing another man kiss the man they knew as Fredrick, including Mrs. Yates. In the end, only four people were present when Mr. Yates died, Josh, Andrew, Terry, and Dr. Lanier.

Josh stayed with the body several minutes after it had taken its last breath but Andrew, hearing some of the comments coming from the next room, wanted Josh out of here. Terry also was nervous, she had kept Josh's secret about his sexuality and could hear her name mentioned often from the kitchen.

Andrew lifted Josh up and together, with Terry, they made their way out. Just as they reached the front door something hit Josh in the face... it was a baseball glove.

"Bob wanted you to have it Josh." Mrs. Yates said venomously.

" You called my Josh..." he replied more stunned that she called him by his real name then he was by the glove.

"You're not Fredrick... no son of mine can be a faggot."

"Well I guess that's why I never felt I was your son." Josh said darkly as Andrew pushed him out the door.

As Andrew and Terry pushed Josh toward his car, Dr. Lanier came running after them. "Fred... she doesn't mean it."

"My name is Josh and always has been Josh." He corrected the doctor.

"Sorry Josh... it's just that's how we knew you. Your real name... your real sexuality... it's all a little much for us to take right now. ...What I'm trying to say is don't abandon your mother when she really does need you."

"I don't really see how." Josh said in an attempt to calm down and sound reasonable.

"It's the farm Josh. You know how your mother is. She can't run this place, no one will work for her. She'll end up having to sell unless..."

"Unless I move back here." Josh said in disbelief. "I do have a life... a good life... So don't even think of trying to guilt trip me into moving back here"

"I know... we've all been proud of you... a successful lawyer and all. But don't you feel some debt to the community that raised you?"

"To be honest...no." Josh said matter of fact.

"Then you're willing to abandon your adoptive mother to some nursing home?"

"What do you want me to do?" Josh shouted in frustration.

"Well I think getting you to move here is out of the question now... could you take Mrs. Yates into your home?"

"Well I don't know... I don't know if I want to be called a fag each time I kiss my husband."

"I guess that is a sticking point." Dr. Lanier agreed.

"I could set her up in an apartment in Kansas City or where ever she wants to live."

"That's not what she needs... she needs her family. Will you make her an orphan?"

"... I can't deal with this right now." Josh finally replied.

"I'll take that not as a yes but not as a no as well." The doctor replied.

"That's the best I can do for now." Josh said as he opened the driver's door.

"We'll talk later then... after the funeral. Where are you going to stay?"

"I was planning to head into Wichita."

"That's over an hour away... why don't you stay at my house... its only twenty minutes from here."

Josh sighed; he could already tell the good doctor would not take no for an answer and so just nodded his head. They waited for the doctor until after the funeral director claimed the body.

Two days later Josh attended the funeral. He had first felt uncomfortable, thinking his mother would cause a scene but Dr. Lanier promised him that nothing of the sort would happen and in this he was correct. Josh did receive a few dirty looks but that was the extent of it. In hopes of keeping the peace, the sitting area for the family was separated by a good six feet. Mrs. Yates sat by herself while Josh, Andrew, and Terry sat as a group. The eulogy was nice and glossed over some of Mr. Yates colorful traits. At the end of the ceremony Josh tossed a handful of dirt into the grave. It was as if he was tossing away his past. All now that was left was Mrs. Yates to deal with.

During his stay with the doc, Josh had learned that he was the sole heir to the family farm. Mr. Yates hoped that by doing so he could bring Josh back to the community he felt Josh belonged. Josh didn't want the farm. He had never wanted the farm but he knew that he could not just give it to his mother without leaving her with a double mortgage. It took some phone calls but Josh did find a plan that would settle things with his mother and leave him not feeling too guilty.

After returning to the doctor's house, changing his cloths and packing his bags he drove alone back to the farm. Only the truck was there, the doctor had arranged for people not to show up until after Josh had this chance to talk to his mother.

The door, as always was unlocked but Josh knocked anyway, this wasn't his home anymore so he didn't feel he could barge in. It took a few minutes but the door finally opened.

"Mother." Josh greeted.

"I'm not your mother." Mrs. Yates responded coldly as she turn to head back into the house, leaving the door open.

Josh took this as a sign to follow. He trailed after Mrs. Yates to the living room where she sat down in on of the pair of lazy boys that faced the television. She waved her hand at the other chair indicating she wanted Josh to sit in what had been his father's chair, which had the baseball glove on top of the armrest.

Josh hesitated for a second before sitting. In all his time on the farm he had never dared to sit in his father's chair so when he did so, there was an electric feel to it as if at any second the old man would walk into the room and go at him.

"Are you here to kick me off your land?" Mrs. Yates asked once Josh had gotten settled in.

"No but that's what I've come to talk o you about...." Josh hesitated, not knowing how she was going to take it.

"Well..."

"I'm selling the farm so..."

"So you are kicking me out of my home!"

"No I'm not! Will you give me a chance to explain."

"Well explain then and be quick about it."

"Once the will reaches probate, the farm will be sold to the neighboring soy bean producer but you'll still be allowed to live here."

"I don't see how that works if they own the land?"

"Its what's called a reverse mortgage. You'll receive monthly payments and be allowed to live here while the company will pay off the rest of the farm's debt and grow the crops. After you die, the rest of the farm goes over to the company but until then you will be taken cared of."

"I still don't like selling this farm to outsiders. This land was to be kept in the family."

"But there is no family left." Josh pressed the point. "The last of the Yates died when father passed away."

"Do you have to keep reminding me that you're not our real son?" she spat out.

"I was your son... just not the son you wanted me to be. That son died but you never accepted that."

"I'm sorry Fred... Josh. I really am. You don't know how many times I've been called an ass for the way I raised you... so much so I could be the county's mascot."

"Hahaha, don't say that."

"Its true! But Josh... if you can not see to it to forgive me and move back here then there's no point of me staying either. As I said I'm the town jackass so it would not be like IO would be missed."

"Then where do you want to live?"

"I want to live near you. I finally want to see my grandson. I can't say that I agree with your life style and I don't think it's healthy for your boy but y'all are the only people I know."

"What about the farmhands?

"Those were your father's men. They never had a thing to do with me and their wives of course hated me."

"I don't know if I want you around if that's the kind of attitude you're going to have around my son."

"Well... I was just being frank. That's how I feel about you homosexuals."

"I guess that's your problem cause I'm not going to make it mine or my son's." Josh said, as he got ready to leave taking the glove with him.

"What am I going to do then?" She said, as she also got up, already afraid of being alone.

"Stay here I guess. As long as you can't accept me for who I am there is no place for you at my home." Josh said as he opened the front door to get out.

"Wait please... give me a chance. I can't live here by myself."

"Alright... I'll give you a chance. In two weeks you can come a visit for a weekend."

"Only a weekend...."

"Mother.... Don't press your luck."

"Alright, I'll come. Can I bring your son gifts?"

"No... not on this first visit. I'm not yet sure how I'm going to introduce you yet."

"As his grandma of course."

"Well, I guess I'll have to be on my best behavior then and try to earn your trust."

"Yes... I think that would be a good idea. Bye."

"Bye Josh." She waved as he drove off and before she returned to her empty house.

When Josh got home he found a man sleeping on his doorstep. He was around his height of 5'6", had blond hair, and had a worried expression on his face. He looked strangely familiar. "Can I help you?" Josh asked while Andrew was removing the luggage from the car.

"Oh... Josh it's you. I don't know if you remember me... I'm Dan. We ran into each other at Robert's apartment."

"Yes... now I remember you. Can I help you?"

"I was hoping so. I'm looking for Robert."

"Well... that's a long story. Why don't you come in and we can talk about it." Josh said, offering a hand to Dan.

"Thanks." Dan said as he took the hand and was lifted up and followed Josh into the house.

"So how long have you known Robert?" Josh asked as he poured Dan an ice tea.

"Two and a half years... he probably never talked about me to you though."

"Well you know Robert... he never likes talking about his past." Josh smiled, knowing the same applied to himself.

"I know what you must me thinking."

"What's that?

"That I was just one of his tricks."

"If you were JUST one of his tricks then you wouldn't be here right now." Josh replied

"I guess that's true." Dan agreed. "I guess that I was the next best thing when he couldn't have you."

"I see." Josh said with raised eyebrows.

"Robert didn't treat me like his usual tricks... a straight pick up to bed and out the door. Instead we went on what I liked to call dates. We would go out to the movies, dinner, or dancing before getting into the sex. He would call me Josh while we did it but I felt some part of him must have loved me."

"I think some part of him must of indeed. You reminded Robert of one of his happy memories. Robert might have blinded himself on focusing on me but it was YOU that made him happy. You see... what Robert loved most was his memory of me and like all memories it can become distorted by time. This does not mean that Robert's love of me is wrong or misplaced. He does love me and I love him and always will. With Andrew... we had developed a friendship before we fell in love. There was no idol worship between us so there was less fear of disappointing each other.

"I wish Robert could have realized what I felt for him." Dan said sullenly.

"You might still have the chance." Josh said optimistically.

"Do you know where he is? Can I write to him?"

"I think I can do better then that." Josh grinned.

Robert had been tempted to move his bed into the bathroom since he had to run to the toilet so often either to throw up or because of diarrhea. In the end Mike decided that it might be better if Robert was fed fluids by IV for at least the two weeks he would spend in recovery but it would add another week to get Robert back to eating normal food.

It was hard to keep his spirit up especially with Mike and Patrick spending the time they were not taking care of him exploring one another. He glumly tried to rack up a bill he was going to charge the two of them for the damage they were doing by banging the beds against the wall. He wished he had a bedpan to throw at them when they started making out in front of him while they were changing the IV bag. He couldn't tell if this was another of Mike's mind games, them having sex when he couldn't. If it was, it was working. He never knew how annoying sex could be...especially if he was not in on it.

Robert was also concerned about his appearance. He had lost 13 pounds already and he knew that it was not all fat. Muscle was also being sacrificed by his strict diet and lack of physical activity. He pinched the loose skin where his abs had once stood out, trying to relive what seemed like the distant past.

"It won't help." Patrick's voice came in as he entered the room and saw what Robert was doing.

"Y'all did this to me."

"What... us... I don't think so."

"Well when will I be able to get disconnected from this IV and start working out and eating again."

"Well if you want to live on the toilet, go ahead and eat, but you still have another week before Mike said your intestines can take it again."

"Can I at least work out?"

"I'm surprised you have the energy to think you can. I showed you some of the bed exercises you could do. I tell you what, if you can out race me to the end of the hall, I'll let you into the weight room." Patrick said with a knowing smile.

Robert almost was willing to take up that challenge if it wasn't for the fact that Mike had challenged him to the same thing last week, which resulted in Robert passing out from weakness. Patrick was in no way as strong as Mike and Mike was away on business so if he tried this time, he would most likely be left on the floor.

"Grrrr!" Robert growled in frustration.

"Hey Robert... I know it's hard for you but you only have one more week left."

"Yeah, but what do I have to look forward to."

"The same things you have now... a family that loves you."

"I guess you haven't heard but I'm an orphan."

"Only in your mind you are." Patrick replied as he sat next to Robert on the bed. "I never knew my biological family until I met Josh but I had a family before him. The family that adopted me, my friends, Glenn, Kyle, Mike, and even you are part of my family. A family is not just who you are related to but also the people you feel connected with and trust."

"You trust me?" Robert said disbelieving.

"I trust that you are a good person deep inside, that you would do anything for the people you love... your family."

"Robert from what I've noticed about you, you have always felt alone. The truth is that you have never been really alone. You keep your distance from people just so you can still say that you're alone. More people love you then you know." Patrick finished and got up but not before leaving a letter on Robert's chest.

Robert opened the letter and saw that it was a get well card. On the cover was a teddy bear with a thermometer in its mouth while a butterfly fanned it with a newspaper. Written in blue ink next to the bear was the word "YOU". By the butterfly, in the same blue ink was the word "ME". Still not knowing who the letter was from, Robert opened the card, skipped the short note and went straight to the name... DAN.

Dan... the man who had been his only regular sex partner since his break up with Lance... the man Robert would call Josh when they made love... the man Robert hadn't even talked to since they ran into each other when Robert first brought Josh to his apartment was writing him.

Dear Robert,