Chris in Highschool - 6. Chapter 6 - Who can clear my doubts?

November, 30^th, 2008, Sunday.

Thanksgiving kinda sucked as dad forgot it, can you believe?! Despite that, I settled the ornaments on our Christmas tree.

One could believe dad was terribly sorry and went talking to me first thing in the morning, but the old man has a lot of pride and it just wouldn’t be like that…

So that, as you can expect, the rest of the holiday was really boring. I mostly got home lying from one couch to the other.

Sunday, after lunch – after eating something as we didn’t really have a meal if a meal includes everybody together… as dad didn’t pay really much attention to me and actually worked most of the holiday – I was there, lying on the couch. You know those moments when you bounce all the channels and nothing seems to appeal to you simply because you don’t want to watch TV, you don’t want to do anything? That was one of these tedious moments.

“Hey, Chris?” dad said coming downstairs. He had a really tired face, like I said, he worked all the holiday long till late at night. I barely saw his face during the holiday bridge.

“Hey dad, been working a lot?”

“Yeah, lots to do you know?” he answered, guilty filling his voice, I know it meant mostly ‘I don’t want to be home during the holiday not to remind anything of your mom’. He took a place on the couch, close to me.

“Oh. I see.” I replied. “About school, everything is alright, all my grades are high, like last time I showed them to you, football practice is about to start and I’m sure I’m going to make it to the team this season too… and girls…” I looked down a little and inhaled “it’s all good too, right?” I faked a smile at the end to look better.

Well, other than lying a little at the end the rest was all true. Usually when he talked to me, like I mentioned before, it was to ‘cover the basics’ and that was it, mostly.

“Mm… okay.” dad said, partially looking at the TV screen, partially looking at me.

Geez, it was on the cooking channel, about how to make eggplant lasagna. Well, it happens that I love watching those and well, being mostly alone these days at home, getting to know how to cook stuff is always helpful… anyways, gee that’s not what I was supposed to watch in front of dad…

“Ah, dad, I guess there’s a baseball game starting in this other channel…” I was saying with the remote control in hand.

“Chris…” he started as he held my hand and took the remote control out of the way and looked me in the face. I gulped.

“Dad, did I do something wrong?” I replied, looking at his face. He didn’t look angry, but didn’t look happy either… who knows?!

“I’m sorry for this Thanksgiving, okay, champ?” he said as he offered his hand, trying a weak smile. Dad smiling, that was so not himself… and saying he’s sorry... Wow… I guess I took a little too long to grab his hand…

He pulled me in a hug as we were both sitting down on the couch.

“Alright. Now give me this remote control.” dad said in his usual old self taking the remote control and trying for a sports channel.

“Don’t you have homework or settling your bedroom instead of watching this crap cooking stuff?!” he said.

“Ok, dad, ok.” I said and hurried upstairs to triple check if all the homework was done – as I always double check – ‘cause dad says ‘nothing is an excuse not to do your homework’.

***

I had no homework to do, my room was all settled and well, I was on my bed, looking at the ceiling.

I had no friends to call to. I mean, I was ‘friends’ with the guys from the team but it’s nothing like I had their home phones to call them. I had Ashley’s phone, she gave me the other day, but I wouldn’t call in a Sunday and risk her to think I wanted to go over to do god knows what… geez… Chris, breathe.

Yeah, that’s it, don’t get here all lying around, why don’t you go out buying something, like candy?!

Yeah, this is it. The candy shop. It’s a bit cold but a jacket will do.

Guess what, when I arrived at the candy shop it was ‘closed due to the holiday bridge’… ah, but they sell some candy on the drugstore, it’s mostly drop mints that if you don’t want to buy throat lozenge, but gee who likes that?! Lol… that’s it, drop mints that is… ah and if there’s some chocolate…

As I walked to the drugstore the street was kinda empty and windy, as it always happens to be during Thanksgiving. I was thinking about… well, all I could think about it guys, I mean, I wanted to have someone to talk to, to hug… but I also started thinking recently who awesome would be having sex with someone, I mean, not ‘real sex’ as actually I don’t even know what that comes to be with a guy… only the ‘traditional’ was quickly explained at school… but, you know, I was imagining what it would be like to have someone to jerk me off and someone to jerk too, kisses, licks… ahem, getting hot here.

What are the guys from the team doing right now, like Bruce or Derek… maybe they’re on a family thing… or maybe they’re doing something with a new girl to tell everybody tomorrow, on Monday…

And other guys who are not like them… what should er… Peter, for example, be doing right now? Gee, Chris, stop with this fixation.

And as I was wandering among the drugstore shelves, guess who just showed up? Peter! Gee, they say the mind has this attraction power… whatever, I just thought about hiding….

I mean, I should be with my family doing something very funny or rocking it with my ‘friends’, I shouldn’t be here wandering alone at a drugstore, like a loser in a holiday! Hide!

On the other hand, what was Peter doing there, I thought and was just sneaking, watching him.

His cute blond hair, a little messed up from the wind, his cheeks, really pink, from the cold wind, his blue eyes, that I couldn’t see as he had his back to me but I could picture them shining, and with that inquiring expression ‘I’m looking for something on the shelf’. Gosh, don’t you get all heated up… gee Chris, you really need someone to… aargh!

Btw, what was he buying, I was wondering – spying.

Gee, he’s on the lube shelf! Damn, he was getting a girl on the holiday and the most I would get was to watch his delicious features during this holiday for a few moments… Can this lube thing be used by guys in some way, I wonder… Damn, I really need someone to er… take my rocks off and well, I really need someone to clear my doubts, for example, about the lube, about what to ‘do’… and, well, with this, Peter was gone. He walked really fast, it seems someone is in a hurry to have sex… whatever.

As I arrived home I decided to do a quick research on the Internet about what people do with lube. You know, it was really easy to find that it can be used between guys… they use it to lube their… ass, you know *blush*. I don’t know why I’m blushing at this… giggle… however…

Damn, Chris, it was so obvious. It’s just that in porn they ‘use spit’… but it’s explained on the Internet that, actually, between the camera cuts the guys get their asses lubed and the spit thing is just to make it look like it’s only that… gee… how can I be so stupid, that was kind of obvious!

***

December, 1^st, 2008, Monday.

As the lunch period was only finishing, Peter bumped into me. Can you believe it? Just because he was doing some girl on Sunday he feels all manly and thinks he can bump into me. That’s so not right!

I pushed him back. The guys from the team were watching.

“Hey, your mom didn’t give you education?” I said… well, yelled at him. I held my jacket open, hands in collar and with that he should be gone. I usually feel bad for that, only ‘for the show’, but not this time, it’s just not right that he bangs girls and I don’t, my holiday is shitty and he still gets to bump me! Damn it!

“No reply, Hershey?” I pushed, yeah, that’s right!

I felt angry at him, partly because he had a nice holiday, got a chick and I… well, I sucked. I didn’t want to admit, but partly, because I knew I didn’t feel any admiration or mere observation when I looked at him, damn, this kid was hot and always out of trouble, c’mon!

“That’s how people who buy lu-be (he said slowly) at the drugstore do.” I said to me above a whisper, and smirked. I was angry with myself to push his face out of my mind!

“You were there yesterday, weren’t you?” I pushed, and, literally, pushed… shoved him, with both hands on his chest. He almost lost balance.

Yeah, that’s right. With that he should be gone. It just wasn’t fair having his face and the other hot guys on my mind during my awful holiday, and having him on my face buying things to do girls… damn it.

While I was distracted with this thought, actually I kinda gazed at him, damn, I so shouldn’t. Even more so because he grabbed me, with my both hands on my collar and dropped me to the floor! I was so taken by surprise.

I felt my nose start to bleed as he punched me on the face…

I guess the guys were yelling but all I could feel was the sharp pain in my nose and all I could see was that deadly gorgeous blond guy upon me… damn it, please Chris, say you don’t have the hots for him. What a chicken, he’s gonna beat you and you have the hots for him! Fear filled me and damn it, I couldn’t stop staring at his face.

And with that, he was grabbed by the janitor and I was grabbed by Mr. Thompson and it was over… or, it means, detention was about to begin.

***

I was really sad because I was kind of humiliated in front of my friends, well, I mean, the guys from the team… er, well I mean, the entire school… because even fighting Peter was better than me…

And staying in the detention room with him, I would glance at him and just admire once again his features, hell, he was better than me, that beautiful angled jam, that thin nose, his hair even seemed to blow in a closed room, you know?!

Every time he would look back I would quickly avert my gaze away, of course. Damn it. What was this feeling… I guess I had that around all the hot guys, but with Peter it was even worse. It really was punishment being locked looking at his face for two damn hours, even more so looking like an idiot holding an ice bag against my nose, while he looked gorgeous.

And when detention was over, I would have to wait sitting in the school stairs, my dad would be mad, sure yeah, but way later, as he would always forget me at school.

With that, the janitor was watching Peter and me by the school door as we were sitting on the steps… yeah. Damn it. I only stopped practically staring at him putting my head down and with arms over my knees.

In two or three minutes, Mrs. Hershey – Peter’s mom – parked her car right in front of us. She works at dad’s office. She’s always so pleasant and is always smiling. She usually hugs me when she greets me. If I was to choose a mother, sure I would like to be someone like her.

She mumbled something at Peter and then greeted me, warm smile as usual.

“Hey, Chris.” she said, in a warm way.

“What happened?” she asked, as I had my face down, she lifted my face with her hand and placing her hand on my cheek, clearly checking my nose.

I looked at Peter for a second and then looked down.

She looked at Peter and said nothing. Well, I guess she got it and I shouldn’t push it as she’s a so cool lady.

“Oh, is your father late?” she asked.

“Yes, that too Mrs. Hershey.” I replied to her. It’s kind of humiliating but I know Mrs. Hershey is comprehensive enough so I didn’t have to feel embarrassed in front of her… at least that.

“C’mon, I’ll drop you at the office.” she said with a smile at me.

“Please, you don’t have to worry Mrs. Hershey…”

“It’s done.” she insisted.

It was very sweet of her and my dad wasn’t arriving any time soon. I know it was reasonable enough to accept BUT I didn’t want to sit beside Peter, in silence, yet, again.

“But nothing. He’s with me, okay?” she said to the janitor, who just nodded and got back inside the school.

“You two in the backseat.” she said. “And be quiet.” she said, obviously to Peter, even pointing a finger at him.

“Thank you, Mrs. Hershey, you really didn’t have to. I don’t wanna cause any trouble”.

“Honey, it’s a pleasure. Let’s go.” she replied.

It was only a five minute trip between the school and dad’s office but I was doing my best no to stare at Peter and I noticed his mom wasn’t happy with him. I mean, I don’t know how I always end up doing this kind of thing… I mean, *he* hit me, so I don’t know exactly what I did, sigh, okay, I went off limits too but I was mad, ok?!

Maybe he was right, I don’t know if I deserved the punch… and I didn’t want to trouble Mrs. Hershey as she’s always so kind.

“I’m sorry.” I decided to say before getting out of the car in front of dad’s office. He said nothing to me. He didn’t even look me in the face, damn it.

Mrs. Hershey got out of the car too. It was too kind of her.

“Dear, let me see it again.” she said holding my face. She pulled me in a hug.

***

December, 2^nd, 2008.

Next day I decided ditching class and driving down to our house at the beach.

Dad hasn’t given me a car, yet… but did you know that having a credit card you can rent on at the airport?!

So, I picked up a car and I was driving to the beach. It was a quick trip but taking the road and looking at the horizon is so good. It was like I was suffocating and could get a breeze of fresh air again. I don’t know… only knowing that none of the people I know would be there, you know?

I was about to turn the radio on but I decided go, alone, singing really loud, inside the car, songs of my own… as no one was seeing me. It was great, for once, feeling free to be able to… almost… admit, I loved writing songs, even memorized some of them…

I wanna be free like a bird

If you felt like me, I wouldn’t need to say a word

There would be a much better place… in… the… wooorld

To looove…

***

Let the waves come to the shore

And wash all the pain away

Like inside my core

Please don’t go… just… staayy…

***

I parked the car in our beach house as I arrived and didn’t bothering entering the house.

I went to the beach, took my shoes off as I stepped in the white sand. In, like, fifteen minutes, the sun was gone and the clouds were turning the sky gray as the cold fall breeze was brushing though my hair.

I was looking at the sea. The beach was empty on a week day.

I was lost on my thoughts as I was sitting on the beach sand. I was looking at a few birds on the sand, they were close to the water. So simple animals with so simple goals in life… they pair up and that’s it…

I was looking at the sea and started crying.

Below the gray sky the green of my watery eyes met with the green of the sea water as the wind brush the cooper locks of my hair.

What if there’s no one like me? Well, don’t be stupid… no, not stupid, evasive Chris… the real question is… being shy er… scared like I am, I mean, no one can ever know ‘about me’… when I intend on letting no one know about me, that means that no one will ever find me to love me… to be together with me… so the question is, what if I don’t find anyone like me, like, ever? I was lost in my thought as tears filled my eyes.