Don't Leave Your Valuables Unattended! An Expedition - 1. Chapter 1

Three men sat on the bench atop Koi Hill, hanging out between classes, wasting precious time. The tallest man rose from his seat, demonstrating brilliant upright American posture. He sighed and looked at the sky, brown hair blowing in the summer September wind.

“You all right, Spaulding?” said Teddy, to his left. He kept his nose poked inside the pages of small leatherbound book.

“Sounds like someone needs a hug,” said Danny, on the right. He had a skateboard flipped upside down on his lap, and he was adjusting the rear trucks with a wrench.

Spaulding saw a single cloud wandering about, roaming like a sheep on blue pasture. He sighed even deeper.

“OK, stop hounding for attention and spill the beans,” said Danny in a hostile tone. “What’s wrong, man?”

“You don’t understand,” said Spaulding.

Then: his stomach growled and some nearby squirrels turned in the direction of the three men. The earth moved. The gales stilled on the mountainside to the sound of a digestive didgeridoo.

“Guys, I’m really craving Mexican food right now,” he said.

“There’s like a taco truck on every corner,” piped Teddy. “I’ll purchase your lunch if you’re broke again.”

“I’m not broke.” Spaulding hung his head. “Just jaded. And cold. Really cold.”

It was seventy-five degrees fahrenheit.

Danny slapped the bench. “Dude, drive us to Santana’s. Humpday special will slay that rumbly in your tumbly.”

“Guys. Stop. I need real Mexican food. Not that San Diego local stuff. Only in Cali do they think it sensible to jam fucking French fries into a burrito.”

“Hey Mr. Hangrypants, watch your language,” said Danny. He took out a notepad from his pocketses and jotted down a little reminder: “Nine-Twenty-Six, 1:04PM, Mr. Spaulding Auden Douglas IV slipped an F-Bomb from his smug little mug; myself, Daniel Tiberius Flower, and my comrade, Teddy Chen: in attendance as witnesses. That’s two strikes for you, pal.” Danny poked Spaulding’s elbow with his pen as he finished punctuating. “One more and you’re out of the running.”

“Flippin-A, man!”

The boys were in on a bet with Danny’s grandfather. If they could endure a semester without saying Naughty Words, AKA anything that would get beeped on the telly by the FCC and similar overreaching bureaucracies, they would win an old ‘29 Duesenberg Model J, with a silky smooth, milk white paintjob and matching rims around the tires. A classic.

The prize sat in the Flower family garage with only twenty miles under the hood. Come graduation day, one of these three men on the bench would claim it for their own. Just one.

They would keep verbal tabs on each other until the contest finished.

“Nyah!” whined Spaulding. “I need Arizona cuisine right now. Otherwise I’m gonna explode with profanity.”

“Arizona and cuisine are two words I never thought I’d see spoken together in the same sentence,” said Teddy. He was writing in the margins and between the lines of his book.

“Unlike here, back home they have the decency not to put fracking french fries next to my carne asada and pico de gallo.”

“Bite your tongue!” said Danny.

“I said ‘fracking,’ dude.”

“Quit badmouthing our town’s culinary choices, bro,” said Danny. “If you hate this place so much, why don’t you go back to Phoenix?”

“Yeah, well maybe I will,” said Spaulding, stomping his Converse into the cement.

“Good. We don’t take kindly to your kind around here if you’re just gonna moan, man. Right, Teddy?”

“Huh? Right, what? C’mon guys stop raising your voices, all the squirrels are watching us.”

“Teddy are you gonna stand for Spaulding’s potatophobia?” asked Danny. “Cause that’s what this amounts to. His hatred for french fries in burritos is due to a sinister and deeply ingrained prejudice against spuds.”

“Spaulding, you’re a Taterphobe? I don’t even know you anymore.”

Spaulding shook his head and as he grabbed his own skateboard from the bench, he nudged the end of Danny’s deck and knocked it from his friend’s hands. It clattered on the ground, wheels spinning.

“Hello! You just knocked over my stuff,” Danny protested. He threw the wrench in Spaulding’s direction but only hit the cement.

“Hey man, where are you going?” Teddy cried. But Spaulding had already pushed off and was bombing down the hill.

“Don’t worry about it. Where I’m going no one’s gonna miss me,” said Spaulding.

And he accelerated away to do something mysterious and silly.

“Gosh, that guy is total freakazoid,” said Danny.

Teddy gasped. “Lookie, he left his iPhone!” The cracked smartdevice sat on the wooden timbers of the bench.

“Eh wot? Gimme that,” said Danny and he swiped the machine and gave it a looksee. “LOL he only has a 4-S. Loooser.”

“We shouldn’t be snooping through his private communication device.”

“Your precious Poldy Woldy left it unlocked, so he basically invited us to look through it--we’re not snooping,” said Danny. “Sweet Yahweh’s yardstick!” He looked away. “Teddy, I’m sure you might appreciate this, ahem, little discovery of mine.”

Then he busted out laughing when he showed the phone screen.

“Porco dio! You found his pornstash!”

“And I proudly bequeath it unto you my dear friend and fruit loop.”

“Gee, Danny. These are some...naughty pictures.”

“Looks like the love of your life has a fondness for snapping candid moments with his little soldier standing at attention.”

“He’s actually a decent length, just kinda thin, like a carrot or an eggroll.”

“OK I don’t wanna look at these anymore.”

Teddy continued swiping through apps, pictures, and folders. “I know there’s something in here for you, man. And: bingo! Check out them apples, or more like watermelons. Great brown rings of saturn.”

“That’s Tess!” Danny jumped ten feet into the air, metaphorically. “And she’s na-na-na-naked.”

“Na-na-na. Hey give that back!”

“Why does Spaulding have nudie pics of my beloved? My Goddess?”

“I told you they were dating. Time to face reality.”

“I need to think.”

“You wanna be alone? I know I do,” snickered Teddy. “Oh wowzers, this next one’s gonna burn your eyes out.”

“Lemme see!”

“Read ‘em and weap.”

“Oh hell. She-she-she fudged him. No! No, no, no, no, no, no!”

“Danny, calm yourself.”

His pal said nothing. Seeing the love his life naked had almost stopped his heart. Then the image of Dear Tess in the arms of that skinny skaterboy, Spaulding, in a lustful wet embrace of human love juices--well he was about to go supernova. “What, what? Gimme that mobile. It’s time to play with people’s fates. I’m gonna ruin Spaulding’s life and break his spirit.”

“How so?”

“For a start, I’m gonna post all these embarrassing photographs onto the internet.”

“Won’t that implicate Tess? You wouldn’t wanna scandalize her, would you now?”

“Ack! All you do is overanalyze stuff.”

Then the phone started ringing. It buzzed and vibrated. The earth moved.

“Danny, it’s Tess. Are you gonna answer it?”

It took him a moment to consider the alternatives, but the mischievous and stupid inner twelve year old took hostage of Danny’s hands. He answered: “Hey howdy, Tess.”

“Spaulding does not have a Texas twang.”

“Shuddup, I’m putting her on speaker.”

Over the phone: “Hey,” said Tess. “I’m just gonna go to the clinic on my own. You don’t have to be there, so don’t worry about the money.” She sounded tired and defeated. “Just text me if you want to know how it went.”

When she hung up, Danny scratched his chin. How what went? There was a mystery to be solved here. And Danny started thinking for possible solutions within his walnut sized brain. Whyever would Tess be at a clinic and refuse payment from her boyfriend?

“Dude, I think I figured this whole thing out. Methinks Tess is gonna have an abortion,” said Danny. He smiled at himself for figuring it out. “So that’s why Spaulding was being a bigger prick than usual.”

“I thought we established Spaulding has an average sized prick, but woefully lacking in girth--”

“Gosh, did you send all of Douglas’ nudies to your phone?”

“Oh yeah.”

“Oy vey.”

“So based on that truncated exchange over the phone, you think Tess is gonna get her plumbing vacuumed out and you think Spaulding’s the babydaddy of this aforementioned unborn spurious spawn? Wow, cool story. Tell me more.”

“It makes so much sense. Tell me, am I ever wrong?”

“Well there was that time only an hour ago, when I asked in calculus--”

“Rhetorical question, dude. All I’m saying is that I cannot let Tess abort her unborn child.”

“Hypothetical unborn child. How you manage to squeeze a conspiracy theory outta one phone call is beyond me.”

Ignoring him, Danny texted to Tess: Where r u?

Teddy sniffed. “That won’t work, Spaulding always uses proper grammar and spelling over his electronic correspondences.”

“Shuddup now. She’s at the Planned Parenthood on El Cajun.”

“It’s pronounced: El Cajon.”

“This is America,” said Danny. “I refuse to pronounce anything in Mexican.”

Teddy rolled his eyes, and sighed. “El Cajun it is. Onward for an Expedition. Huzzah!”

***

Danny Flower and Teddy Chen set off on their midday Expedition, which was the boy’s codeword for, ‘using public transportation.’ They’d bus it over to the Planned Parenthood. Since the Flowers owned the MTA, Danny and his chums never had to pay fare, although the value of such a perk in a sprawling suburban city like San Diego was dubious at best.

He and Teddy sat side by side on the hardbacked seats of a Number Eleven, holding their complimentary compass cards. The model 450 Nebulon’s gas-powered engine made it almost too noisy for conversation. So Danny monologued really loud to himself while writing notes in his journal.

A thousand houses and strip malls and palm trees that all looked the same passed by in the window. The bus propelled down the wide streets of Midtown at a stately pace.

“Tess doesn’t have a car,” said Danny, scribing away, “so she’ll take the Green Line over to Fashion Valley and hop aboard a Twenty-Seven at 10:44 AM. I reckon total transportation time from thenceforth, is approximately forty-three minutes. While on the phone, I heard her bearded dragon, Mr. Wilson hissing in the BG, so that means Tess hadn’t left her apartment yet. If our dearly beloved Number Eleven,” he pat the seat of his chair, “meets little resistance from traffic, we can intercept our target en route at about 11:27 AM on El Cajun and 55th, if we walk fast.” He looked at Teddy’s watch to confirm the time. “Are you listening?”

“I’m somewhat worried about the calculus quiz,” said Teddy. “We’re missing another one.”

“Tess’ baby is in terrible danger and that’s what you’re thinking about? Ach. You need to get your priorities straight.”

Teddy shrugged. “I can’t do anything of the sort.”

Danny slouched in his seat and drummed on the deck of his skateboard. “Man, I always told her that if she needs help, I’d help. I’m here to take care of her, every bit of that woman, all her curves and all her edges: even this baby that I suppose is now a part of her. Dude! I gotta protect this baby before Tess destroys a part of herself.”

“I don’t think you have much choice in the matter.”

Danny shook his head. “She prolly feels like she has no one to support her--but I’m here. Gosh, if she was in trouble why didn’t she talk to me? She never comes to me for help.”

“Maybe you should take a hint and stop trying to be her white knight.”

“No man, she needs saving.”

“Do you say that out of love, or pity?”

“Why not both?”

“Eh...look. If she keeps the baby who’s gonna raise it? This isn’t a bearded dragon we’re talking about, it’s a whole human life that needs constant dedication and love for years and years. Not everyone is capable of giving themselves up to that responsibility. I’m sure Tess knows what she’s doing. She’s a clever girl.”

“Not nearly clever enough to escape Spaulding’s seductions.” Danny looked out the window. The bus passed the Kensington Bowling Alley and the Silver Luna Carousel. They were almost at their stop. “I know,” he said, pointing his finger up. “I’ll take care of the baby.”

“You shouldn’t be anywhere near children.”

A pair of stars formed in the cloudy nebulas of Danny’s eyes. “My mum always wanted to raise another kid, a daughter really, but ever since that witch cast a gypsy curse on my poor mum, she can’t have children anymore.”

“You have a funny way of describing menopause, Danny”

“Whatever, semantics,” he said. “I will convince Tess to keep the baby and have my mum adopt it.”

“Are you even certain Tess is getting an abortion?” asked Teddy, once again. “Did the words, ‘I’m preggers and I need my vajayjay scooped clean of an unwanted baby, kthnxbai,’ actually come out of the horse’s mouth?”

“Compare Tess to a horse again and I’ll drop kick you into the floor.”

“Don’t be so touchy, I only used an expression,” said Teddy. “All I’m saying is that this might be a misunderstanding. You get into a lot of those.”

At that moment, Danny saw Tess walking down the south sidewalk of The Boulevard. A cold itch crept down his spine and he glued his eyes to the emergency window glass. As his Beloved paced, she walked over each and every sidewalk crack, so elegant and careful so she wouldn’t break her mother’s back. Her hair dropped to the lumbar curve. She wore short jean cutoffs that exposed her tattooed thighs, and draped over her torso, a red, white, and blue blouse, speckled with stars and stripes. The Doors was printed beneath the Grand Canyon of her cleavage. American Woman, Danny thought. Stay away from me.

Our thoughts are a symphony.

Danny jumped up from his seat and from the depths of reverie. “Driver! That’s Tess over yonder, stop the bus!” He scrambled to the front, jamming people with his bony elbows.

“Sorry friend, you didn’t pull the string. Just have to wait for the next stop,” said the merry driver.

“Goshdarn, this light’s taking forever. Gah, just let us off.”

“Sir, I’m gonna have to ask you to stand behind the Yellow Line while the vehicle’s in motion.”

“We’re at a red light, nobody’s in motion,” grumbled Danny. “I’m gonna karate chop this douchewaffle pretty soon.”

Teddy stepped up from the back console his friend. “Please don’t hurt the driver, you’ll put everyone in danger, Dannyboy. Don’t be so inconsiderate.”

“I have ears, boys,” said the bus driver. He pulled some switch and the doors opened. “If you’re gonna make threats to me, you’re outta here.” *** The boys were promptly thrown off the bus and they dashed for the abortion center two blocks away. Danny called out to Tess fifty meters up, only in vain, for she had headphones plugged into her ears. Iron filled Danny’s soul, as she entered through the clinic’s automatic doors. He raced ahead, dragging the weight of his soul behind him. Teddy had stopped to catch his breath multiple times.

Inside the Planned Parenthood, it was very cold and bright. A trio of frumpy white women knitted in the corner and a teen couple, who looked fourteen apiece, talked in Mexican by the vending machine. Tess was nowhere in the sitting area. At the frontdesk, shielded by bulletproof glass, sat a young lady with a big Colgate smile and plump red lips.

“She looks like Jynx from Pokemon,” Danny murmured. Teddy had caught up behind him and heard, so he punched his friend as a warning.

“Hello desk woman, I’m Danny Flower.”

“Mr. Flower,” said the receptionist, scratching her dark powdered nose and flicking a bleached blond strand of hair from her eyes. “Do you have an appointment?”

“Afraid not. I’m looking for a girl who just came in here.”

“Drop in hours are at noon. Please take a seat, sir.”

“You will tell me where Tess is, NOW.”

“Who’s Tess?”

“I told you, I saw her just come in here. Through those darn doors right in front of you.”

“Nope, nobody’s come in for twenty minutes. Sorry.”

“Are you calling me blind?” asked Danny.

“Or just a liar,” said the receptionist. “And a big nuisance.”

“You’re up to something, woman.” He scanned the lounge and made eye contact with everyone. He theorized they were all conspiring. “Oh I know what this is, I watched those Youtube videos about places like this. You’ve abducted Tess to harvest her baby parts, haven’t you?”

At this moment in the exchange between the receptionist and his friend, Teddy stepped up and said, “Please don’t make a scene.”

Danny slipped his hand to his belt where he’d hid a special parrying dagger called a Main Gauche. But before he could brandish his sixteenth century LARPing weapon and give the desk-jockey a good scare, the automatic doors whooshed open. In rushed a thick cloud of heavy oniony body odor.

Gagging, the boys turned around. A fat man, holding a bag of Hot Cheetos and a sawed off shotgun, walked onto the scene from stage right.

He sung in a mumbling-barking voice: “My father said when I was ten, he’d slaughter us in our sleeps and dissect us in our dreams. Now that I’ve grown up, I’ll pass on his favors to other folks it seems” The rest of the verses were too horrid to tell. “Grr, I hate people who kill innocents, so I’m gonna relieve my middle-aged male frustration by killing myself some innocents. Grr. Muh hypocrisy. Double Standards. Entitlement. Outrage!” He cocked the shotgun. Everyone started shouting and ducking for cover behind chairs.

“A domestic terrorist!” exclaimed Teddy. “Here? Danny we have to do something.”
“Why is it he’s so cartoony and villainy?” asked Danny.

“Well, maybe he’s intentionally written over-the-top to telegraph to all the readers that this story isn’t making any sort of meaningful social commentary and that it’s all for fun.”

“We should stop breaking the fourth wall,” said Danny, “It breaks the reader's immersion.”

“Well, let’s get cracking. Ninja Power!”

Teddy and Danny positioned themselves around the gunmen and side-circled him. He didn’t seem to notice the two boys because he really just wanted to shoot up some women and was completely blinded by misogyny.

Danny rushed the gunman.

“Oh look, my first target of the day,” said the villain.

“Not on my watch,” said Teddy and he fiddled with some of the buttons on the custom silver Rolex around his wrist and released a wave of rippling energy that enveloped the domestic terrorist. The gunmen couldn’t move a muscle.

“Dagnabit,” he cried. “It appears I’ve been thwarted by some Magickal form of new technology!”

Sparks of energy entrapped wrapped his torso and limbs like chains. He should know better not to take Millenials and their wondrous technology lightly.

“Go for it, Dannyboy,” said Teddy steadying the tractor beam on his watch.

“Aye aye, cap’n,” said Danny, and he jumped four feet into the air, with his hand formed into an ax. “Karate chop!”

He slammed his hand into the gunman’s clavicle, hitting a lumpy nerve that bulged through the skin. The terrorist, made a “guh” sound and several grunts. He fell back, pulling the trigger of his weapon. The nozzle burst, and the ceiling lights crackled with sparks overhead and came crashing down onto the lounge. All the patients were screaming, and the clinic went completely bonkers in a rain of falling debris.

Facedown on the floor, the gunman twitched and sputtered. Danny placed his foot on the man’s fleshy keister, and proclaimed, “Now where the heck is Tess? All these distractions are making me angry.”

But everyone in the clinic was too concerned that they’d all dodged the bullet, literally speaking. They crowded around Danny and Teddy and gave their thanks. Someone mentioned the police were on the way. Late as usual.

“Sweet manna from heaven,” cried the receptionist behind her safety-glass. “You boys saved our lives, how can we ever repay you?”

“Uh,” said Teddy. “Be eternally grateful? I’ve never been comfortable with people’s praises.”

Danny cleared his throat and kicked the unconscious gunmen on the floor. “You can start by telling us where Tess is. I feel like I’ve been repeating myself this whole story.”

“Sir, I still don’t know who that is,” said the receptionist.

Then the door opened again. It was Tess.

“There you are,” cried Danny and he rushed up to hug her.

“Touch me and I’ll taze you,” she said, halting Danny. She had her hands in her purse, digging for her taser. “Hey Teddy, what are you guys doing here?”

“We’re here to save your unborn baby,” he said.

She blinked. “My what?”

“You can’t have an abortion,” cried Danny. “Please, I’ll do whatever you want, just let the kid live, and we’ll think of something, like have my mom adopt it or whatever. Just hear me out: don’t destroy a part of yourself, Tess. Please.” He started to tear up and looked really pathetic.

“Um, I’m not having an abortion. Why would you think that?”

“When you called Spaulding earlier, you said you were going to the Planned Parenthood.”

“Not for an abortion.” Tess placed her hands on her waist. “Is this what you guys are here for? Well, that’s kinda sweet.”

“Aw, shucks, don’t mention it,” said Danny.

“You’re still an idiot.”

“Well then why are you here? And how the heck did you leave the clinic? We saw you come in.”

“I left through the back, it’s pretty discreet,” said Tess. “But then I heard Danny yelling his martial arts attacks and then I saw the police cars, and finally that gurney being pulled through--” Just then a gurney rolled through and everyone looked-- “So I went back and here you are, causing a ruckus.” Tess sighed.

“Wow, for a second I thought Teddy and I got caught in another time loop,” said Danny. “The receptionist told us no had come in, even though we saw otherwise. So maybe we’d seen it happen before the fact.”

“You used that weird watch again?” said Tess with a frown. “Oh boy.”

Teddy jumped up and down waving his custom silver rolex. He’d built it for last semester’s engineering showcase and got a red ribbon. “We had to use it, Tess, otherwise, what do you think that domestic terrorist would do to all us? We’re the heroes, you know. In comics they all use cool gadgets, just like Batman or Spiderman”

“Idiots,” she said. “Thanks for being concerned about me--I guess. Things could’ve been a lot worse knowing you two.”

“You still haven’t told us why you were here,” said Danny.

Tess blushed. “Just a checkup, that’s all.”

“For what?”

“Strictly need-to-know basis.”

“I know, Spaulding gave you crabs didn’t he?” cried Danny and he scratched his basketball shorts. “If you’re not preggers, then that has to be it.”

Tess frowned again and shook her head.

Danny looked to the receptionist who was filing her nails now. “So why did you tell me you didn’t see Tess? It caused a lot of confusion, you know.”

The receptionist shrugged. “We say that because we have to protect the anonymity of our patients. We get a lot of nosey bums in here.”

“Well why didn’t you say so?” cried Danny.

The receptionist shrugged. “We say that because we have to protect the anonymity of our patients. We get a lot of nosey bums in here.”

Danny scratched his head. “Um, you just said that.”

The receptionist shrugged. “We say that because we have to protect the anonymity of our patients. We get a lot of nosey bums in here.”

“Oy vey,” said Danny. “This can’t be happening!”

But it was happening: Tess and the boys had indeed been trapped in a time loop at the Planned Parenthood. How will our heroes escape this nonsense? Find out next time, on the next serialized installment of The Kids of Koi Hill.