Staying Together - 4. Chapter 4

“Hey, remember when Phillip wanted to be a pro wrestler?” Jarred blurted out, and everyone erupted in laughter while I blushed a little.

“Shut up, dummy,” I said with a slight grin on my face. Looking back, I could see how it was kinda funny. I went through a phase where all I wanted to do was watch wrestling and wrestle people in the front yard. I even used contruction paper and permanent markers to make my own homemade championship belts. When everyone got tired of me clotheslining and elbowing them, they stopped taking me on, so I had imaginary matches where I would imitate the moves, but with no opponent. I imagine that it looked silly, but I didn't really care at the time.

As I approached my tenth birthday, I started to realize how silly it looked, so I let it go. Apparently, though, the guys still remembered it because all Jarred had to do was bring it up, and everyone took turns digging in about it.

To the right of Kyle K was his mom, smiling warmly at me as the heat started to leave my cheeks. I’ll conceed that sitting in Kyle K’s backyard with his mom at the end of a stressful week wasn’t the way I envisioned my Friday night going, but in a way, we all needed to be there. Besides, she bought the beer and was being incredibly gracious about letting us get slammed in her backyard.

“That’s nothing compared to the time we all watched The Exorcist in sixth grade,” Kyle K said, and I laughed so hard that my side cramped up. “Fedina, you didn't come out of your house for about a month.”

It was true. It was the beginning of our summer vacation and somehow, Kyle Porter got his hands on the original Exorcist, and it freaked us all the hell out, but Jarred was totally fucked up behind the whole thing. He literally shivered with fear after the movie was over and wouldn’t talk or move, so we wound up having to tell his mom and dad what happened.

“I thought we were going to have to call a preist for your ass,” Kyle laughed, and all I could do was wipe the tears from my eyes and try to settle myself because my side hurt so badly. A few hours earlier, I never would have guessed that we’d be sharing a laugh over old memories, but in a way, it was what we all needed. More than that, though, it was what Kyle and his mom needed.

The two of them have had more than their share of ups and downs over the years when it came to Lawrence Kammersgard. It was difficult for me to relate because my father was the polar opposite of Kyle’s dad. My dad went to work every day and when he came home, he greeted us with hugs and concern about whether or not my mom needed help cleaning up around the house. Kyle’s dad would come home and demand to know why dinner wasn’t ready, or why there were so many kids in the back yard.

He was one of those dad’s that came off as scary to other kids. When he was away, it was okay to act and play like a regular kid. But when he was home, or when we knew it was getting to be time for him to come home, we all seemed to share the same uncomfortable feeling that we were doing something wrong and that maybe it would be best if we went home.

What most of us took for granted was that he was abusive. It went without saying, mainly because it was an awkward observation, and because it was pretty damn scary to face up to. Kyle K has always been such an easy going, carefree person on the outside that it was a hard subject to breech. Also, we were all really young when he was around, so no one in our group had the ability to really articulate the feeling we all got from his dad. We just carried on like nothing was wrong until the day it all exploded.

That day came when Lisa Kammersgard told her husband that she wanted a divorce. He left, but only after he terrorized his wife and son with a brutal rampage through the house that left most of their things broken. Then, at his own leisure, he would occasionally return for the sole purpose of beating his ex-wife until she finally got the police involved.

I felt so bad for Kyle and his mom. Not just because of the beatings, but for a different reason; it was obvious that Kyle didn't want anyone to find out what was happening, but we all knew. It was all over the neighborhood, and the night Lawrence Kammersgard was arrested for violating the restraining order taken out against him, there must have been half a dozen or more cop cars in front of the house.

Once he was gone, things seemed peaceful, but there was still talk around the neighborhood about how Kyle’s dad didn't pay child support, and how his mom having to support the household on her salary alone. But the truth is, Lisa Kammersgard is a hard worker and a great provider for her son. Even without her ex-husband’s help, they never seemed to struggle.

Up until recently, those days seemed like a distant memory. At least to me they did, but then Kyle’s mom got a fateful phonecall that brought all of those memories back to the forefront. Not just for them, but for all of us. Because when Kyle needed a place to get away from his parents’ fighting, he would come around and we’d be there for him. The terror he was experiencing wasn’t just his, because in a way, we were going through it with him.

I never really gave it much thought, but I guess I always figured that someday Kyle would hold his dad accountable for what he did. At the very least, that he’d confront him about what he did and demand some kind of explanation. It’s a moment of redemption that I always assumed was owed to him, and when the time was right, he’d take his turn. Now, out of nowhere, his chance was fading away with each cycle of the ventilator that Mr. Kammersgard was hooked up to.

None of us were allowed to go in with Kyle when he walked into his dad’s room, but we were all at the hospital to support our friend. An aunt that none of us recognized was there and greeted Kyle with a warm hug, but regarded his mom rather cooly. We all took a seat in the waiting area and talked amongst ourselves, not too sure how long it would be. I half expected to be there a while, which was a little troubling since we had no reception on our cell phones and couldn’t call out or text.

Surprisingly, Kyle and his mom emerged from the room after only a few minutes. The look on his face said it all. It was a mix of sadness and bitterness that must have been the culmination of everything he’d been through in the past and the grief he was feeling at the moment, knowing that his dad was about to die. I felt my mind racing, processing thoughts and thinking of something to say or do as I read every line on Kyle’s face, watching his face contort almost involuntarily as he tried to keep his emotions under control.

I remember the first time I saw Kyle K cry. I think it stood out in my mind as such an outstanding event because he was such a jackass most of the time that I couldn’t imagine anything getting him down. He was always flashing his mischevious smile, and we just knew he was up to something. And in most cases, he was. Whether it was a surprise pantsing from behind, or if he was planning to launch a spit fight just for the hell of it with one of us, we expected him to be someone who didn't take himself or things around him too seriously. He was always someone fun to be around.

Then things erupted at home and he went through a rough change. It probably didn't help that we were all eleven and on the edge of puberty, so our chemistry was changing anyway, making us all a little more suseptible to mood swings. I remember riding up to Kyle Porter’s house to find both he and Kyle K on the front steps. Kyle K was trying frantically to wipe his eyes, but more tears fell and his sniffles were obvious.

Just like that day, Kyle could only try to mask his greif. Because his eyes were full of tears that he couldn’t turn off. No matter what, his heartache was too great to hide from the rest of us. So, one more time, he wasn’t crazy Kyle K, the kid that was down for whatever, whenever. He was our friend in need, one who was dealing with issues that most people our age can’t even begin to comprehend.

Kyle Porter stood up and walked over to Kyle K and his mom, wrapping his arms around the two of them as tears rolled down his cheeks. Obviously he knew more about what our friend was going through than the rest of us, but that was because he and Kyle K were very best friends and always would be. It was easy for me to deduct in my mind how he could relate to everything they were feeling and thinking, especially given the fact that he and Kyle K shared such a strong emotional bond.

As we walked out of the hospital, Kyle K gravitated towards Andrew and the two of them talked. I watched Andrew nod and Kyle’s face light up as he leaned into him, and for a moment, my heart sank. I wasn’t sure what they were talking about, but I had a feeling that it had to do with Andrew spending the night at Kyle’s. Out front, we all gathered by our cars in the parking lot and that was when Kyle asked us all to come over.

“It would mean a lot to me,” he said.

“I’ll buy the beer,” Mrs. Kammersgard added, and I think I had to do a double take. She gave me a knowing smile and a wink.

I called my dad on the way back and told him that I was going to Kyle K’s, and that I was planning to spend the night. He asked me about Kyle’s dad, and I told him as much as I knew, but that none of us were allowed to go into the room. He almost sounded relieved to hear it, but then he added that he was keeping Mr. Kammersgard in his prayers. I wanted to ask him why he’d do that, but I stopped myself. Being bitter isn’t helpful in any situation, and it certainly wasn’t my place to judge a dying man.

I guess cracking a beer open and drinking it down in front of Kyle’s mom wasn’t the awkward moment I had imagined it would be, but I was certainly guarded at first. I don’t know why, because both of the Kyles, Jarred and Andrew didn't seem to be bothered by it. In fact, Kyle Porter slammed his first can and comfortably reached for his second.

Even more shocking to me was the way Kyle K so cavalierly cussed in front of his mom. I don’t think I could ever use the type of language around my parents that Kyle was using, but then again, Jarred was the same way. I could barely say words like hell or damn in front of my mom, let alone ass, fuck, shit, bitch, pussy and some of the other colorful words that were rolling off of Kyle’s tongue.

A little later in the evening, Porter’s girlfriend called and he politely asked if she could come over. For a moment I was zoned into the interaction between him and Mrs. Kammersgard, but it all faded away when I looked across the table and saw Andrew and Kyle K holding hands and exchanging a tender look. I jealously took Jarred’s hand in mine and downed the rest of my beer before I grabbed another.

When I snapped out of my jealous trance, Mrs. Kammersgard was getting up from the table.

“I’m going in to watch TV so you guys can smoke your weed,” she said with a roll of her eyes. I gave her a glance, then I followed her gaze to her son’s button up, where a blue pack of Zig Zag’s were visible in the front pocket. It was obvious that she knew a lot more than we gave her credit for.

“Nice job asshole,” Jarred said sarcastically once she was inside. “And what’s up with the blue papers?”

“Shut up, they were all I could get,” he snapped, a little flustered. “I’m out of orange and the guy I paid got me the wrong ones. These’ll do for now.”

I took a deep breath as I looked out across the night sky. Sometimes when I can’t sleep, I look out my window at night and think about what the night sky looks like to someone in another area, maybe in Florida or Texas. What does the restless night gazer see when he or she looks out the window. I could hear traffic rolling heavily along the General Booth, even though it was after three in the morning. The air was warm, thick and humid, but I didn't notice any bugs swarming.

As I let my breath go, I heard the screen door open and turned my head just in time to see Kyle K pop his head out. When he saw me sitting there, he smiled and came out, taking a seat beside me and leaning up against the overhang beam.

“Hey man,” he said sleepily. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m just thinking,” I said quietly.

“What about, bro?” he asked, scratching his blonde mop. I noticed that he was wearing a pair of argyle pajama pants and a white tee shirt.

“Just everything,” I said. “I couldn’t really sleep, and when I can’t sleep, I like to look at the sky and listen to the cars go by.”

“Do you ever wonder where they’re going?” he asked, and I nodded. “Me too. Sometimes I think about people that I haven’t seen in a while that live far away and wonder if any of those cars are driving their way.”

I gave him a warm smile and thought about what he just said. When my grandpa was sick, I used to think about him and my grandma all the time. When I’d see a plane flying west, I’d wonder if it was heading to California, and if it was, would it taxi to a terminal that my grandparents might have used in the past. I think it was my way of drawing any kind of a connection I could with them.

“I do it too sometimes,” I admitted, and for a moment, there was a silent understanding between us that there were more pertanant matters to discuss. We made eye contact for about fifteen seconds, and finally Kyle broke it with a sigh.

“Everything’s going to be okay, Phillip,” he said. “My mom and I are going to be fine.”

“I don’t know how you do it,” I said, looking down at the concrete steps. “You’re one of the most amazing people I know, Kyle.”

“No I’m not,” he said. “I don’t think I’d be able to get through this if it weren’t for all of you. You have no idea how much it means..”

Then his voice broke, and I reached over with my right hand and gave his shoulder a firm squeeze. He reached up and wiped a tear away from his left cheek, then he cleared his throat and straightened up, trying to stay strong and keep his composure.

“I’ll be here for you no matter what,” I promised him.

“I know you will,” he said, and I heard him swallow hard. “You always have been.”

From there, we sat on the porch and watched and listened. Cars driving by on the thoroughrofare, filled with people who had no idea that we were contemplating their final destination. Relatives far away, probably sleeping peacefully in their beds, not knowing that they occupied our minds. A sky that never ended, shared by people in other places that we would never meet.

Life was happening all around us. The wind was blowing somewhere in the world. Rain was falling somewhere else. The waves of the ocean were crashing against the beach, and a tree was sprouting. And yet while all of this was going on, at the moment, the most important thing that was happening in my life was sitting side by side with someone I’d always love and respect as more than just a friend.

When we got up to go inside, Kyle wiped another tear away from his cheek. He turned and looked at me for a moment with a look of admiration, and almost as if we were reading each other’s minds, we wound up in a long hug. When we broke it, I kept my arm around his shoulder as we walked back through the front door.