Finding My Beloved - 4. Dark Theories

"Those eyes," I repeated to myself. They were beautiful, the glow so inviting. He captured my soul the first time they made contact with me. But why? What's the big deal with those eyes to keep them so hidden, so secretive... All these and other thoughts swarmed my head as I watched Troy leave while I just stood there relatively calm. It still didn't register in my thoughts, everything that had happened I mean, except for the sworn secrecy that was keeping Troy away from me. Thoughts in my mental capacity began to slowly arrive though. I started walking in the parking lot just to clear my mind. My body felt weightless and carefree but I knew differently looking at my arm in its sling. It gave me visual flashbacks of waking up in the hospital.

 

The only one at my side was Troy, his eyes always looking forward. He was looking so unlike himself. Normally he's cleanly shaven and his skin nice and baby smooth with only braids in his hair, but when I looked up he looked rugged, almost similar to a lumberjack. He grew out the hair all over his body. His hair was out in braids and down past his shoulders. His demeanor wasn't angry but it wasn't happy either. It seemed like his jaw was wired shut, like he was protecting me. The way his eyes swept across the room never locking on any one object and then closed like he was listening to something. Then instantly a weight seemed to lift off his shoulders and a smile crept across his face.

 

"What did I put him through?" I asked myself walking toward his cars. I sat on the hood and just let my mind's eye go. There was clearly something I missed to make this guy become infatuated with me? Was it similarities? Differences? What made him drop Mark so quickly? Me? Sex with Marco? The questions were boiling and I answered them one by one to myself. The similarities aren't that big, I mean were orphans and of course we both love cars. Not enough for me to base a conclusion on though. Differences were plenty: he was here by choice, me by banishment; he's black, I'm white, and still not enough for a conclusion.

 

So, his Mark sounded like everything I wanted Colton to be: available, in but eventually out and good in the sack. But, like Troy, I wanted something more and that's when shit got rocky. Sex with no strings attached regardless of who you are is impossible. Strings always get attached, and that's when bonds get broken, the promise of no commitment torn softly like tissue paper after you both get jealous. Unreasonably envious, you don't want to let go of that person because you want to be with them while the other wants you around because of the availability you present. That's when your heart latches on. You want them to take the plunge to lover's valley with you but instead they just wanna fuck on top of lust's plateau. I now see why Troy dropped his Mark. He obviously knew what was going through his mind, perhaps even fell for it plenty of times before, but then why did he need me there while on the phone? Why not his latest conquest at the time, Marco? I didn't even realize I was talking out loud until a voice responded.

 

"Because he didn't want anything more from Marco. Even you know that."

 

This voice caught me off guard until I saw the person's face.

 

"Sorry, just thinking out loud," I apologized.

 

"You look shaken up buddy," Michael said.

 

"Just chilly that's all," I had to lie... what else could I say? Troy has silver eyes and he almost killed Colton. Definitely not.

 

"Right, well Troy called and told me what he did."

 

"Oh..."

 

"So how are you holding up?"

 

"Honestly, I feel like shit," I chuckled.

 

"Well, I'm sure Colton's worse."

 

"Definitely, you didn't see the well! You can't even call it a fight... It was more like a reflex."

 

"Well, as much muscle definition as that boy has on his body..." he shivered.

 

I must say I've never seen another body so perfect; his smooth skin and obvious football muscles. His chest stuck out but not too far, and his abs were literally a washboard. The sex lines on this boy were definitive to the highest degree. They came together at the perfect angle. If you went down too far you could almost hear his crotch calling. I mean, if you looked close at it you could've sworn it sang to you 'come try, we don't judge'. Plus his backside was heaven too! I remember because that was the first thing I noticed about him. He definitely had that wonder gene. He never had to wear a belt because his ass stuck out enough to keep all his pants up. It was nice and plump, ripe in all the right places. It was picture perfect and he knew it, too.

 

But there was no way a person like him would consider bottoming, would he? I've always wanted to top but Colton wouldn't here of it. That's when it hit. I instantly got a little jealous thinking about how Mark had Troy for four years, Marco and Kenny one night and even Michael had probably gotten something from him. I'm sure of it!

 

I pouted and said, "How was it for you?"

 

"What the hell are you talking about man?"

 

"Everybody else got a piece of the Gabriel Market. I'm sure you

shopped there!" I snapped.

 

"Honestly, I've only window shopped there but why are you jealous

now?"

 

"I'm so not jealous," I replied.

 

"You shouldn't be but you are? After all, you did push him away

from you," he said walking me back to our room.

 

I had to think. I couldn't of been too harsh on him... and that's

when my mind went completely blank and began flashing back quick as

lightening to all the different scenes in my head of Troy. Almost everything we did I let Colton interfere in, but it didn't stop there. The events started playing slower in my mind, like the argument we had after I stood him up on our project. The hospital argument today too. It's possibly our worst fight since he moved here. I can't forget that menacing glare he shot me, like he absolutely hated me but just ten minutes later he saved me from my personal demons. And worst of all I sent him to jail. As I came back to reality I gasped from the shock and a tear rolled down my cheek. All I could do was whisper, "He's gone..."

 

I started to feel darkness take hold of me. I suddenly started to get chilly and I wanted him there to hold me, to warm me up. I needed to look down at his eyes and have him tell me that he'd come back to me.

           

"Yup, you pretty much pushed him away but he's coming back,"

Michael said. "Hell, he'll probably forgive you too, even though you already owe him your life. The guy saved you twice, put up with Colton's ignorance, took the heat for your drinking, paid for your hospital fees and was smart enough to make sure you got tested." he added.

 

I couldn't even look at Michael. I was embarrassed just thinking about it, knowing I did all that to another person. I was ashamed to be in my own presence let alone Michael's. He was like my brother, his family took me in after my adoptive parents found out I was gay. They told me to never come to their home again. So he was now my family and witnessed me almost destroy the life of my admirer.

 

"God, I'm ashamed!" I said.

 

"You should be, but here, he told me to give you this," Michael said, handing me an envelope. I eyed it for a minute before finally opening it, hoping it would be a heart filled letter expressing his feelings. Obviously, Michael did too as he went to his laptop and played some music. I was a little shocked when I opened the envelope only to find song lyrics.

 

Troy definitely wrote them seeing his unmistakable calligraphy writing style. The song was entitled, 'After The Hurricane' by Jazmine Sullivan.

 

"Song lyrics?" I asked myself.

 

"Yup, that's Troy's way of expressing his emotions," Michael said.

 

I read them and he was right. The song seemed so personally exposed, like he was releasing any pain he had into the song. Ironically, the song started playing on the laptop and I started tearing up as I read along. I definitely knew how Troy felt during this song because this all happened these last couple days. One verse that stood out most read:

 

"Now my life is shattered, and I'm left to pick up the pieces And find a

new beginning, and put it back together again After the hurricane, the

hurricane Just like a hurricane, Just like a hurricane The way you break

everything that comes in your way Just like a hurricane, just like a

hurricane The way you broke my heart and now I'm left with the pain After

the hurricane"

 

This song stung a lot realizing I was doing this to him. I just laid in the bed and let the darkness consume me as I tried to regain composure.

 

The next few days were agonizing. There was no Troy in sight which

made school beyond depressing. I mentally blacked myself out during classes

being seen but not heard. All I wanted was Troy with me. I knew I didn't deserve him though, and since the very beginning. But every day I was finding out new things about Troy. Kenny told me that everyone in school was jealous because I got to spend the most time with him. He also said Marco became more popular because he got what everyone wanted.

 

"Well, you tried to jack him off in class!" Marco snapped back.

 

"Yeah I did, didn't I..."

 

"I couldn't help it? His body heat pulled me in and my hand had a

mind of its own, but he didn't stop me either..." he added smiling.

 

We all stared at Michael. He just smiled evilly and said, "Fine, you got me! We worked out once and showered together but nothing happened." he took a sharp breath.

 

I got jealous again. How'd they get all this and all I got was Colton. I took a deep breath and Michael caught me and said, "You have no right to be jealous! Troy does though, the way you paraded around Colton."

 

"I know, I know," I responded.

 

"I wonder what his theory was, waiting for you to come to your senses?" Kenny asked.

 

My mind went racing at the word theory to his requests for when he got back.

 

"Those eyes..." I said blankly.

 

"What did you say?" Michael questioned.

 

"Oh I want...some pie," I lied.

 

From that day on whenever I had free time I went straight to the laptop. My first theories were superhero theories based off of looks, emotions and personality and I came up with only 3: the Hulk, because of the rage he has flowing in his body; Beast, because the hits he put on Colton seemed so animalistic but he's also very intelligent; and Sabretooth, because most of what he did seemed somewhat instinctual. Other than that, the eyes only gave some cosmic balance or some special attribute like telepathy.

 

Days seemed to go a lot faster and easier with me keeping my side

of the bargain. I only hoped that one day he would come back to me so I could try to make everything better for him and me... us even. It's been a week and a half and still no Troy. My soul found some ground to stand on with the hope that he was coming back even with all we'd been through. As far as theories went I hit a dead end though. All I was getting were wolf legends so I took a couple days off from that and on Halloween Night the guys and I decided to watch a movie.

 

"So what's the selection this year?" Kenny asked.

 

"Underworld and Underworld: Evolution!" Marco answered.

 

"It's all fake anyway," I sighed.

 

Marco popped in the dvd. The movie was fake for the most part. Even

if vampires and werewolves were real, why would they need guns to fight. But, this time around something struck a similarity with my memories. The werewolves eyes shone a dim silver before they turned into wolves. I immediately thought of Troy, and that his eyes were the same color but brighter and knew it had to be close to something. I was getting crazy. I knew what it was but I couldn't get it out. Fucking tip of the tongue effect. I thought and turned to look out the window and there it was, a bright full moon.

 

That night my dreams got the best of me and I saw Troy but this

scene was more of a gruesome life or death situation. Troy had a weapon

pointed in his face by Colton and Troy was showing that scar and baring his

teeth. All of a sudden there was a loud crack in a bone and that immediately shook me out of the dream. I woke up and went straight to the laptop. I went deeper into this research and found an old legend of 'Children of the Moon'. It said purely born werewolves were given a gift of her sight along with an arsenal of weapons given during coming of age. It said that her balance weighed on their personality and on some more than others. Another site spoke of the same legend and said that other creature's banded to take out the 'Children of the Moon' before they came into their stage of metamorphosis. But, out of all the information I found, what stood out the most was "her." Who was she? Why did she do these things? Is there a possibility that she could be a he? That's when I saw another page and this one had a picture of a gigantic wolf howling at the moon. My every thought paused as my mind put the pieces together like a

puzzle.

 

"Troy," I said softly.

 

Gazing at the picture of this wolf... how do I explain such a thing to a person? And then it hit me. That's her! The eyes shined bright like the moon's reflection on a lake. From a perfect view, captivating enough to take your life away, somehow I made the conclusion that Troy was in fact a werewolf or lycan but I was ok with that, I liked him for who he was not for what he is or could be.

 

For the first time I actually started to feel better. I was suddenly aware in class even though I had this god forsaken sling on my arm. Colton is completely forgotten, which I know is going to be awkward in Psych class. I was feeling nervous. I haven't talked to him since Troy left, but we had to talk because I needed to clear the air. Just speak my peace and let go of his hold on me. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

 

"He will no longer own me."

 

I repeated this to myself and walked into class. I obviously hadn't

been paying attention because Colton looked horrible even after all this time. He had a black eye and bruised ribs, and looked every bit of fucked up. I made a mental note that there has to be an apology somewhere in there from Troy and snickered a little bit because karma was definitely an evil bitch. What Colton did to me he got back in full and still had to deal with it.

 

I held most of it together and said, "How are we feeling?"

 

"Oh, now you wanna talk." he said nonchalantly.

 

"You know what, I was just trying to be the bigger person, but if

you think I'm gonna take your shit now, you got the wrong one." I snapped.

 

"Whatever, you just remember that comment when you knock on my door in two hours," he replied.

 

"If I remember correctly, you're the one that came and got me,

called me and complained to me." I reminded him.

 

"Look, since you now all of a sudden want to talk can we wait until

after class," he said.

 

"Fine, but you will not put your hands on me! Lucky I was drunk

when you did it the first time."

 

I couldn't believe this! Troy was right. He was a clown. I never felt more disrespected in my life. I was so glad that today was Friday, a perfect night for shopping at the mall. I texted the guys, told them I would meet them at the car. I was cutting Colton off for good. I went up to Troy's car and waited because it really was a good area to think. Even though he wasn't there I still felt his presence around his car.

 

"So what you wanna talk about?" Colton asked

 

"Oh...uh...us" I replied caught off guard.

 

"What about us?"

 

"I can't do this anymore."

 

"Why's that?"

 

"It's just that I want more than sex and you don't."

 

"Oh, you wanna be together?"

 

"Yes, but you just want sex"

 

"Yes, but I want more sometimes too..."

 

"Really?! Why now? What's with the epiphany?"

 

He walked closer to me and said, "Look, I know I hurt you, and I'm

sorry! I don't know what I can do to have you forgive me. I promise you it will never happen again. I was drunk and you went all PDA on me and I lost it, because I'm in the closet." he chimed back.

 

"I was in the hospital for a week! Why didn't you visit me even

once?"

 

"I didn't think you wanted to see me... and I am in the closet."

 

"Wow, 0-2 already for your questions."

 

"Well, it's the truth. Give me one that I should know."

 

"Ok, what's my fave color and why? And if you get this wrong it's

over." I said.

 

"Easy, red and you wear it all the time."

 

"Is that your final answer?" I asked, while in my head I was looking at the cliff that I was going to be free falling down. It instantly took me back to Troy and his Mark. Colton wanted me to fall with him and I got nervous. There was nobody to catch me or visibility of the ground below. It was just me holding onto Colton's hand.

 

"Of course that's my final answer," Colton replied. It was risky but a tear ran down my cheek and I slowly released myself from his grip and fell down the cliff. I whispered "goodbye" to Colton. He heard my answer and grabbed me and whispered back "no". But, he was too late sure he grabbed me physically, but mentally and emotionally I was falling, faster and further away from him. I shook my head and said, "Why, why should I?"

 

He took a deep breath and said, "Because I love you"

 

These words didn't mean anything to him and I could see that

clearly on his face.

 

"I highly doubt it," I replied and just walked off to meet the guys. When I came into view my arm was pulled around. It was Colton he said, "What if I kissed you right here, right now in front of everyone?"

 

"Look, you're not ready, it's cool. When you are you'll find someone," I said hugging him to let him know that all is forgiven.

 

"Can we at least be friends?"

 

"I'd like that."

 

"Can you forgive me?"

 

"Can you forgive Troy?"

 

"Toucha33;, but I did deserve it..."

 

"Plus some. Bye." I said getting in the car. I felt so much better, almost weightless. I let a smile creep across my face as I said, "I did it!" The car suddenly erupted in applause. Now all I needed was Troy and we could have the happy ever after. God this was a long ride to the mall.

 

"Where are you taking us, Marco?" I asked.

 

"Potomac Mills, were almost there."

 

"Close to D.C." Michael added.

 

"Yeah, we gotta get some real shopping done," Marco said.

 

"Who are you meeting?" I asked.

 

"Nobody, I'm just shopping around a little."

 

We all laughed at that as he parked the car on the lot. His little play on shopping meant he was trying to find one thing and it wasn't clothes. As we walked into the mall we sent the lovebirds away to shop together. It was just Marco and I left to shop around. I took a deep breath and grabbed Marco and said, "Let's go!"