Torturous Love : Version 3 - 4. Torturous Love V3: Chapter 4

“You can’t go back to your life, Tobias.”

Never. Tobias sniffed and wiped his eyes ineffectually with his too-short sleeve. He’s not going to kill you, and you can’t ever go back.

Zai gritted his teeth and wished, just for two long breaths, that he hadn’t collared the boy, that he’d let him die that first night. The thoughts he’d heard were going round and round the boy’s head on loop, it was the only reason Zai had been able to hear his internal voice so clearly, and Zai wondered if the realisation that the situation was permanent had broken his beautiful mind. He hoped not, because when Tobias wasn’t snivelling or slapping him in the face, the young man showed a personality flavoured with complexity and strength that Zai found incredibly attractive.

It’s like if Nassau was human, and not an all-powerful ruler of the Inner Circle, and not so incredibly fucking terrifying. Zai watched Tobias as the young man sniffed again, then winced at the pain from his broken knuckle. I really shouldn’t have done that to his hand.

No, you shouldn’t have.

Zai smiled to hear the human's voice in his head. The only other person who’d been able to see inside his skull like that was Nassau, and having the Prince of Hell snooping on his depraved daydreams was slightly embarrassing and scarier than Zai liked to admit. But then again…

Nassau keeps your secrets for you, all of Zinkara Rumah do. Do you have any idea what could happen if Sathriel finds out you’re an empath?

Zai shook off the thought, and shuffled closer to his companion.

“Here, give me your hand.”

“No.” Tobias sounded grumpy, and Zai didn’t blame him. On the other hand, the boy was thinking about the food, and Zai wasn’t even allowed to cook in the house because anything he took near a fire ended up as charcoal.

“You want your hand to hurt like shit and heal deformed so you can’t use it?” he snapped.

No. Tobias didn’t say a word as he offered Zai his damaged hand, but his thoughts were crystal clear. I hate you.

“Fine. You hating me changes nothing.”

You’re a terrible liar Zai. You don’t want him to hate you.

Shhh, Zai tried to quell in inner voice, aware that as he licked at Tobias’s work-roughened skin, the boy was watching him closely.

And this is why Sathriel hates empaths. Easy marks, all of you. You’ve known the boy all of two nights and already you have a soft spot for the skinny little human. What is Kiorl going to say if you come home with a…

A what? A toy, a pet, a mate? Zai felt his breath catch in his chest at the thought. A mate.

Well, that would be novel.

Zai didn’t want to imagine what the major demon of his household might say if he showed up back in hell with not only a mate, but another empath. Sometimes Kiorl only barely tolerated him anyway. No one in their house had ever recruited.

Screw that, no one has recruited since Mattias burned to death in the centre of the Grand Hall with every demon in the Inner Circle watching. Zai shuddered, remembering the beginning of Nassau’s scream of panic and desperation. For a long time after that, Zai had stayed Upstairs, sleeping in the daylight and travelling across the country whenever the shape of the moon allowed, because every time he ventured back to Hell, Nassau’s sorrow at losing the man he loved was so overwhelming it nearly crushed him.

And you want to go to Nassau and ask for his consideration? Are you insane?

Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, shall we? I don’t want to drag him kicking and screaming to the portal.

You’ve only got one more night.

“Why?” It was almost a shock to hear Tobias’s voice across the room. The boy had moved while Zai had been thinking, and stood by the fire, expertly flipping the hot meaty strips with the toasting fork. “Where do you have to go after tomorrow night?”

“Don’t worry about it.” Zai banished the images from his mind, he was far more practised at that skill than his companion. “That smells good.”

“Are you hungry? I mean, do demons even eat like normal people?”

“For the most part,” Zai crossed the room as he spoke, and placed plates, cutlery, and a pair of glasses on the table, “demons are like normal people. I mean, Sitka will insist on trimming his hooves in the house, and Kiorl is mostly haughty and annoying as dammit all, but-” There was blurring sensation in his mind, and Zai realised he was confusing his companion past the point where the conversation might be useful. “Never mind. Yes, please, I am hungry Tobias, and your cooking smells excellent.”

He watched the young man finish cooking and serve the food, captivated by the lines of his body, the length of his wrist where it stuck out from the too-small shirt, the curve of his earlobe against the dark mess of his hair. When Tobias sat down opposite him and pushed a plate across the table, he was scowling.

“You don’t like that I think of you?”

“Not like that.” The young man shuddered, then fell immediately to eating.

Zai’s nose hadn’t lied to him, and the food was delicious. He cleaned his plate with his fingers, and sucked honey and meat juices off the digits greedily. Nothing that ever came out of the kitchen in Zinkara Rumah tasted this good.

“Is that the place you live?” Tobias asked, obviously eavesdropping on Zai’s thoughts.

Zai nodded, and imagined the house as he’d seen it last, the huge empty kitchen, the den where Kiorl and Shindae had been arguing good-naturedly over a hand of cards, the grand fireplace, his room with its great stone bed, made soft by a dozen layers of furs. He could feel something like longing mixed with curiosity leaking from Tobias’s mind, and Zai smiled happily.

“It’s not so bad, this life. Well, not this one.” He gestured to the room around them, thankful that it wasn’t raining because he didn’t trust the thatch to hold. “I mean back home. We can’t stay here after all.”

“Why not?”

Aside from the fact that someone will eventually come looking for the old guy who lived here and I’ll have to kill them? Nothing, certainly not the fact by sunrise the day after tomorrow I’ll have changed shape.

“You can change shape?” Tobias sat bolt upright in his chair, surprise writ across his features, and Zai snarled. He hadn’t meant to let that slip out.

“No. I can’t. Leave it.”

“No.” Tobias shot back. “Answer me, dammit.”

He can swear. That’s a surprise.

I can do more than that. Tobias had the knife he’d used to butcher the meat in his hand, and Zai laughed.

“We both know you’re not going to use that. I can rip your heart out of your chest and eat it before you hit the floor. You’re not going to try and stab me.”

“But you’re not going to do that either. You don’t want to kill me.”

“Well you don’t want to die!”

When did we both start yelling?

“Then you have to tell me things!” Tobias tossed down the knife and strode around the table. He seized on of Zai’s horns, the demon grabbed his other bicep and found himself looking directly into a pair of blue eyes dark like the night sky he enjoyed so much. “You cannot rip me out of my life, hurt me beyond imagining, tell me I cannot ever go back, and not tell me anything in return!”

“I can do whatever I like. I am a demon.”

You’re an enforcer. You know better than anyone else that isn’t true.

Tobias frowned.

“Are you in trouble?”

Zai hissed between his teeth, shook the boy off him, and stalked away to the other side of the little house.

“Not any more.” he snarled.

“Tell me, or kill me. Because I already know I’m more stubborn than you are.”

Zai growled.

“I’m not scared of you Zai.”

“Liar.”

Tobias walked up to him, bold as brass, and wrenched him around by one horn. Zai was surprised to discover how much that hurt, but then, he didn’t think anyone had ever touched his horns before.

“I’m scared of the pain.” The truth of Tobias’s words struck him like a hammer. “I’m scared of getting hurt again. I don’t want to, and I know I will, but I stopped being scared of you the second time you raped me.”

He’s stronger than you thought.

He’s mad too.

Crazy and beautiful. Has there ever been a better combination?

“One day I’ll make you think of what we do together, and you won’t call it that any more.”

“Oh, I doubt it.”

I don’t lie any better than you do, Tobias. Zai knew the boy had heard him, because he went suddenly still, and let his hand fall back to his side. There was a long pause where all either of them did was breathe, and watch the other without using their eyes.

“What happens at sunrise?”

Zai snarled. The Northern wind had blown through his mind and brought him to Tobias’s little town, and he’d been forced to hunt on all fours, avoid the daylight, and keep away from bigger creatures who might decide to take umbrage with his presence in their territories. Zai glared at the young man who wore his Chain of Possession.

“What happens at sunrise?” the boy repeated.

“I will change on the third day.” Zai shivered as he remembered the sinking feeling in his stomach, the helplessness that seeped into his bones as his powers left him. Being small and slight wouldn’t be so bad, but Zai couldn’t lick his wounds, and it was lonely in his mind without the press of emotions other than his own. He shuddered as he felt Tobias take his hand whilst the boy’s mind slipped into his own. “I have to go home or I’ll lose myself to that fucking curse.”

“You...you’re a cat….”

“Don’t remind me.” Zai snapped. “Small and powerless, it would be a great curse if it happened to anyone else.”

“But-” Tobias began, but Zai saw the shape of the question in his head, and smirked.

“The Chain has a power all it’s own, it’s not subject to the curse like I am. You still can’t take it off unless one of us dies.”

Zai was expecting Tobias’s eyes to light up, he was half expecting the young man to start plotting about how to kill him right then, what he was not expecting was the sudden flood of cold fear which poured over them both. Tobias hated him, sure enough, but the idea of Zai being dead scared him more than anything else which had happened in the last two days.

Don’t leave me!

Zai tried not to smile, and schooled his expression into one of soft reassurance rather than over-eager excitement.

“Don’t worry. I’m not going to let what happened to my brothers happen to me.”

Tobias frowned.

“What happened?”

Zai shivered involuntarily. Pain, loss, fear, terror, and desperation whirled and chased each other around in his skull, and Zai closed his eyes, concentrated like Nassau had taught him, and shut down the memories one by one. When he opened his eyes again, Tobias was still standing very close, and Zai saw the sky lightening through the single window behind him.

“I’ll tell you… later. C’mon, it’s getting light. Bed.”

“But… I should wash up.” Tobias gestured to the empty plates, and the fragrant joint of pork still slow roasting in the hearth.

“Leave it. It’s not like we’ll need it again.”

Tobias sat on the bed as Zai arranged the blankets, and laid down when Zai did. The demon reached out and touched his wrist briefly, but he couldn’t feel anything other than his own fear, and the lingering after effects of Tobias’s terror at being alone.

“No running away in broad daylight this time?” Zai asked, softly.

“No.”

Zai pulled the blankets over his head to blot out the ever lightening sky, and wondered if he could tell the human that he too hated being alone. That more than the fear of dying whilst the curse held him in it’s sway, he feared the silence and lack of empathy more. True, Nassau scared him a lot of the time, but the Prince was the only other empath Zai had ever known for more than a fleeting moment, and it was nice not to feel so much like a freak. Zai didn’t know how to tell the boy who hated him any of that, so he didn’t try, but closed his eyes, and fell asleep as the sun came up.

*

Tobias woke to find the demon shaking him gently, and it took his eyes a long time to adjust to the utter blackness which surrounded them. Zai’s eyes glowed like a dying sun, the only point of light in the little house, and by degrees, feeling groggy and disorientated, Tobias found the edge of the bed, put on the demon’s great cloak, and pushed his feet into the nearly-falling-to-pieces boots which were apparently the only shoes Old Man Riley had actually owned. Zai had used the long knife to carve the roasted pork into surprisingly neat slices, and they ate them cold. Tobias could just about make out Zai’s figure standing against the window, looking out at the moonless sky.

“The moon’s not gone. Just behind the clouds.”

And it hates me.

Tobias opened his mouth to ask what his companion meant, but decided against it.

“We’re leaving in the dark?”

“There ain’t no better way.” Zai replied with a sharp fanged grin.

“I… I thought...”

What? That he was going to sit and talk to you and tell you all his deepest darkest secrets? He’s a demon, I think expecting sensitively might be a bit much.

He’s not just any demon.

You’ve met more than one? When did that happen?

Tobias scowled at the snarky tone of his inner voice.

One way or another, I’m bound to him. Is there anything wrong with making the best of it?

He raped you twice and tried to kill you. What exactly is the ‘best’ of that?

Tobias didn’t have an answer to that, but looked to where Zai was standing in the doorway, a black shape against the blacker night, apparently sniffing the air.

“Come on, let’s get going before the weather catches us up.”

The weather held itself in check until they reached the woodland. Tobias felt one drop of rain on his cheek, and then Zai yanked the hood of the cloak up over his head half a breath before the rain came hammering down. The demon was sodden within minutes, his clothes stuck to his fur, and the accumulated blood of the past few nights washed from him like a thin, dark river. Tobias’s stolen shoes were not waterproof in the slightest, as as they walked beneath the trees which were already shedding their broad leaves, he squelched unpleasantly with every step.

A hot shower and a warm bed. Gods, it’ll be good to be home.

It took all of Tobias’s concentration not to react to Zai’s voice in his head, and instead he continued walking very closely to the back of the demon, stepping in his footprints, and eavesdropping on his mind.

And what will you tell the others about your new charge?

Nothing. Not until tomorrow anyway.

There’s that new mirror in the bathroom Sitka and Shindae brought back from their latest trip Upstairs. Just think how good you two will look in it together…

The words faded into an image of the big steamy waterfall Tobias had seen in Zai’s head before, but this time, he was in it, looking simultaneously at the back of his head and his front reflected in some shiny surface like a still pond pinned to the wall. In the vision, Zai stepped up behind him, and tore his chest open with all ten claws. Tobias stumbled in shock, tripped on a tree root, and fell painfully in the dark.

“Tobias?” Zai sounded concerned, and Tobias realised the demon had forgotten he could see inside his head.

“I’m fine. I just can’t see anything. Dammit!” His attempt to stand was aborted as he tried to rise vertically under a hefty branch. “Ow.” Tobias pulled himself up again and huddled under the cloak. Despite feeling like rich, heavy wool, the inside of the cloak was warm, and dry as the hay in the barn. “Where is this Zinkara Rumah you talk about? Please tell me it’s not much further.”

“Nearest portal is at the river,” the demon replied.

“What?”

In the wet darkness, Tobias could just about see the demon as he turned to look at him. He scrambled to catch him up again.

“Sorry, but… what? What the heck is a portal?”

Don’t overload him, the demon told himself so firmly that Tobias couldn’t help but hear him. There’s only so much a human mind can cope with all at once.

And yet he saw me right away. He’s stronger than he looks.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

“Tell me Tobias, what do you remember from church?”

Tobias frowned.

“Mostly feeling guilty, and thinking that the glass was pretty.” He tried not to think about the shivers of terror he’d felt when the pastor had ranted about Gomorrah and the eternal punishments that could be wrought on those who indulged in the sins of the flesh. Or the way the organists eyes had raked over his sister when he suggested that she join the choir, even though girls weren’t normally allowed. Tobias remembered being small, sitting on the hard pew next to his mother, holding her hand as her fingers stroked her swollen belly, staring a the shapes and colours the glass had made in the sunlight, and wishing it was warmer.

The glass is very pretty. Nassau has a window like that.

“Do you remember what your Man of God said about Hell?” Zai, shook his head, and carried on without waiting for an answer. “I guarantee all of it was wrong. Hell is a real place. It’s where I live, and it’s where we’re going.”

“Huh?”

Don’t stand there with your mouth open boy, Tobias’s mind did a fair impression of his father, you’ll catch flies.

“There is more than one world, Tobias. Many, many more. We just have to find a place where we can cross from one to the other, and we can go home.”

“To your home.” Tobias clarified carefully.

“Yours too, now.”

“How can to cross from one world to another? I mean, it’s not-”

Possible? How many things have happened to you already that aren’t possible? Tobias chided himself silently. You said you were going along with this ridiculous notion, so go. Unless you want to trip and break your neck in the process?

Tobias scowled, but didn’t say anything.

“Leave that for now. Come on, we have a lot of ground to cover, and the rain isn’t going to let up any time soon.”

Tobias had a lot of experience with being wet and cold, which was handy, because for the next few hours, he didn’t allow himself to think of anything other than the chill creeping through his limbs, and the ever increasing squelchyness underfoot as his stolen shoes came apart at the seams. The parts of him covered by the demon’s great cloak were alright, but the cloak didn’t lace up at the front and the rain seemed to be able to find every little crevice to drip and soak into. Tobias found himself thinking how nice it would be to be properly dressed, or to have tall boots obviously kept in good repair like the ones Zai wore. His father had always said there was ‘no such thing as bad weather, boy, only inappropriate clothing’ and Tobias missed his thick padded jacket and the broad brimmed oiled hat he wore when he had to walk out in the rain.

I suppose at least in Hell it’ll be warm.

“We’re here.”

“We are?” Tobias glanced around at the fast thinning trees and frowned to himself. “There’s nothing here.”

“Stop looking with your eyes. There’s plenty here Sweetling.”

You’d better not call me that in front of other people.

“Or what?” Zai challenged softly.

Tobias sent him an image of Zai eating, a snap, and howl of pain when one of the demon’s fangs came away in his hand.

“I’m betting they don’t grow back just by licking.”

There was a long pause, and then the demon laughed. The sound made was like warm mead sliding down his gullet as heat blossomed in his belly, and Tobias wondered quite how broken he was to have such a reaction to the demon. Zai moved to stand behind him, and Tobias struggled as the demon took his jaw in one firm hand.

“Oh hush, I’m not going to hurt you. Just look. Really look.”

Tobias did as he was bid, and focused on the area Zai was pointing him at. His eyes had grown used to the dark by now, and he could make out the tones of the sky, the bank opposite, the rain splattered surface of the river, the water high with the tide coming in, the scrubby growth of grasses and reeds choking the near embankment. Tobias tried to look the way Zai had told him to, but the needs of his body – still hungry, wet, cold, achy, something pointy trying to poke into his foot – distracted him.

Here. Let me.

Tobias managed not to flinch as Zai’s hand came up to cover his eyes, his soft furred fingers parted just enough that Tobias wasn’t totally blind. The young man’s heart hammered hard in his chest, and he felt warmth suddenly building deep in his body somewhere, like dying embers which were coaxed once more into bringing forth light. He knew he should be scared, but he wasn’t. Zai wasn’t going to hurt him, not right now, and the demon couldn’t lie to him either.

Look. Feel the world around you. It’s not just people who have hidden depths.

And like removing another set of eyelids he hadn’t known existed, Tobias saw what Zai was talking about. The world around them was made of patterns – the dense undulation of the water, the slick shards of the grasses, edges blurring as they sunk into the thick mats of the ground – and where Zai had pointed his vision, the patterns were visibly thinner and faded like fabric which had been worn and washed too many times.

Like this shirt, Tobias thought bitterly.

“I’ll get you new clothes.” Zai’s words were accompanied by a flash-fast image of Tobias imagined in a similar sort of outfit to Zai’s own, and the young man turned in the tight space of the demon’s arms.

“Uh-uh. Trousers. I’m not negotiating.”

“But-” Zai stopped himself before he could finish speaking.

You’re already asking a lot of this boy. Don’t push it right now.

Tobias smirked.

“And don’t call me boy.”

Zai scowled, and stepped back.

“So, this is the portal?”

“No, this is just the place where we can cross over. The world is thin, and we can find The Way home from here. This is a portal stone,” Zai withdrew a strange object from some hidden pocket inside his tabard, “it’ll get us home.”

The portal stone was about the size of a goose egg, and made of what Tobias first thought was glass, but seemed after a moment to have internal fractures like a piece of crystal. The rain did not fall on it, and Tobias was mesmerised as the stone began to glow faintly in Zai’s hand.

“Come here. Closer.” There was a note of speed and panic in Zai’s voice which made Tobias frown, but he went to stand in the circle of the demon’s arms quickly. “There are lots of places to go in The Way-” The inside of Zai’s head was full of stars, a mass of darkness dotted with millions of points of light, many bright and close, others distant and duller, “-it’s really easy to get lost. Just… hold on, OK?”

“Yes.”

The portal stone glowed brighter, casting a rich orange light around them, and Tobias craned his neck skyward as the rain vanished, hoping to see the moon, and nearly yelped in surprise to find that the two of them were standing in a dome surrounded by falling raindrops. He wanted to ask how it worked, but the stone appeared to burst into flames in Zai’s hand. The heat of the fire was held in check by the crystal walls of the portal stone, but only just.

“Close your eyes.”

“Why?” Tobias felt the thread of fear between them, and realised it wasn’t his emotion it was feeling. “Zai, are you scared?”

“Yes.” The demon’s expression was so honest and without agenda that Tobias was almost shocked by how different he looked. “Just, close your eyes. Do it.”

Tobias was going to, but the stone was burning fiercely in Zai’s outstretched arm, and it was so bright that it was hard not to look at it. The brightness grew, and Zai grabbed his jaw and kissed him hard. Tobias closed his eyes automatically as his mouth was plundered, and the brightness – along with the world around them – promptly vanished.

It rained for a while longer, but eventually the clouds parted and the surface of the river became still and quiet. The moon, nearly full now, drifted ponderously across the sky. A fish flittered by beneath the surface of the water, there was the soft sound of animals moving in the woodland, and one by one, the creatures of the world came out of their dens and burrows, and the places where the demon had been returned to normal. A rabbit cropped the grass, an owl swooped low overhead and sent the creature scurrying for the shadows, and after a long time, the sun came up.