A Promise and a Curse - 6. Chapter 6

Wolff Langenburg counted loudly. He enjoyed himself how easy he was still able to bring the tennis ball over the net and place it unreachable for his wife in the farthest corner of the court. Carola ran with effort, and panting, stopped. Wolff laughed at her. "Matchpoint."

Carola grimaced and wiped the sweat from her forehead. Although it was cool the sun was shining from the sky and warmed the air as in summer. Very unusual for an April day at Sylt. The steady wind had subsided so that it was possible to play a proper tennis match. Both loved to stay in good shape.

Over the net she glanced at her husband. Shit, she thought, he still looked damn good for a man of his age. Age! She laughed. He was 44, only one year older than herself but he looked better with every year.

The curly brown hair and the sparkling brown eyes, the broad shoulders and the straightness he still walked with ... just like in his very youth. Every day she thanked her parents, who forced her at the time, as she was a teenager, to marry the rich heir of a good running factory for toilet articles.

Since he had resolved after the death of his father to sell the firm they had settled down at the island, Sylt, bought a big house with swimming pool, sauna and tennis court, and were now leading a life of nonchalance and never ending party time.

She missed the ball and heard Wolff's cheering from the other side of the court. Carola slipped off her hairband. No, there wasn't love in her heart when she married him but over the years they developed something like respect for each other and shared the pleasure of a carefree lifestyle. The only little annoyance was their sons but then, both were of age and didn't need them. Except the money.

Wolff jumped over the net into her part of the court and laughingly stretched out his hand. But his facial expression turned into amazement as he looked at something behind her. She turned curiously.

"Kristian?"

Wolff stopped in his tracks and his smile froze. He looked his son speculatively up and down as he came closer.

"Hi Mom, Dad." Kay nodded but didn't smile. "I thought I would find you here." He gave his mother a kiss on her sweaty cheek and briefly shook his father's hand. Wolff didn't look too happy. "Are you in difficulties? Need money?"

"Geez," Kay rolled his eyes up to the blue heavens. "Is that everything you can say?"

His mother caught sight of a tall man with sandy hair standing casually in the background, hands in the pockets of his wind breaker, watching the scene.

"Is this your ... " she swallowed the rest as she pointed to Sebastian.

Kay turned. "Yes, he's my lover. You still can't spit out that word, right?" Kay was angry.

Carola glanced again to the handsome man. She undressed him with her cool blue eyes. What a waste, she thought.

"So if it isn't the money, what else are you looking for? Doing holidays?" Wolff asked.

"Actually no. I have reasons to be here. I brought Sebastian with me - you know, to warm my nights." He giggled a bit.

Wolff grimaced. "Watch your mouth. I don't want to hear such talk here."

"Oh, yes, I forget: it's YOUR house. And as long as I have my feet under your table I didn't have to say anything, nor to want. I remember well."

Carola sighed. "Do you have to quarrel? We haven't seen you for a long time." She thought, "How long is it?"

"Exactly two years and 4 months."

Kay earned a surprised look from his mother. "I didn't have the impression you missed us a lot."

"Same here." Kay's voice was now cool like his mother's.

"As long as you get a check every month everything was fine, right?" Wolff threw in.

"Do we have to discuss this here and now? I'm sweaty, I need a shower and new clothes. Let's go in." Carola said.

"Only if Sebastian can come with me."

Wolff's face flushed for a second. "No way. It's you and only you or you can wait outside and we will meet in private. I don't want to see your ... companion."

It costs Kay a lot to stay calm. "All right. I'll wait outside."

He watched his parents vanish in the directions of the house. Sebastian saw his angry face when he came back. "Was it bad?"

"Hm, I can't stand their overbearing behavior. They didn't want you to come in."

Sebastian laughed and put his arm around Kay's shoulders. "Don't worry about that. I'm not offended in the least. I just didn't know you have such great parents. Why you never told me about them?"

"Because I don't speak about my parents. What am I supposed to say? I know I take their money. Actually I shouldn't do it! That's why I began to work for myself."

Sebastian lifted his eyebrows in surprise. Suddenly he understood. "They never forgave that you're queer, right?"

"Right. We never talked about that. They took note of it and that was all. Oh well, they never cared much about us. Have I ever told you that we were brought up by a nanny?"

"Nanny!" Sebastian narrowed his eyes. "Like Anna?"

"Worse, Marcus' nanny and housekeeper is an angel compared with Doris."

"Is she still here?"

"No clue. And I don't want to know."

Sebastian turned to face the court and the reed roof house behind. "Pretty." he said. "What are they doing here the whole time besides playing tennis?"

Kay didn't answer and Sebastian lifted his face. "Why didn't you tell me?" he asked once more, this time softly. "You didn't have a happy childhood, did you?"

Kay shook his head. "We had money. There was nothing that was missing. Plenty of toys and little love."

Sebastian's face was serious. He certainly knew those feelings. He himself grew up in a rich parental home and was treated in a similar way. Perhaps it was the wealth that corrupted the human feelings; they surrounded their bodies with precious things but forgot the heart until it was cold as a stone.

"And Simon?" he asked.

"He was a sunshine, the five years younger baby of the family and got more attention than I had. But when he began to grow older and developed into a real stressful bundle of nerves they stopped spending their time with him. When they found out he was gay too, they dropped him like a hot potato. Just like me."

"Did they give me permission to attend our private talk or do I have to wait here like a dog?" Sebastian asked. His anger had grown with every word Kay was telling him.

"Come with me, they won't dare to kick you out."

Sebastian thought about that for a minute then he said, "Don't know about that. Go alone, sweetie. Perhaps we can come together in the evening."

Kay grimaced a bit but did what Sebastian wanted.

Standing in that new house, Kay's thoughts were spinning constantly about the queasy feelings he had. That house reminded him so much of the old house in Berlin although here was a completely new interior. He asked himself where his bed had gone, the bed where he lost his cherry when he was 16 with a mate the same age. His room where he spent happy times with his brother, close together, cutting out the uncaring parents and building their very own world.

He had taken off the jacket but was still standing in the middle of the large room covering the whole ground floor. He saw the fireplace in one corner, his feet touched precious carpets from the Orient but it resembled in no way Sebastian's house. It lacked cosiness, and had no inert feeling of things that are beautiful no matter if they are precious or not. This house was built for neighbours and friends to show off wealth.

His mother came back with a towel around her head, dressed in a soft pink bathrobe. "Where's your friend? Does he wait outside for you?"

Kay turned and nodded. "Like a dog." Kay could hardly hide his anger. Sebastian was a wonderful man, so much better than you both, he thought. And only Sebastian's acquired politeness forbade him to make a scene.

"Like a dog? Well, he could go into a cafe at least." Carola sat upon the brown leather couch. "What does he do? Is he rich?"

"Rich?" Kay snorted. Actually he didn't want to answer this. Was it important? Was this everything she was interested in?

"Sure he's rich. Do you think I choose my lovers from the working class?" he sneered. But then he pulled himself together. Meeting his parents always brought out the very worst in him. He mustn't allow this. So he took a deep breath and said calmly. "It doesn't matter to me. I know you despise me for still taking your money, although I'm working for myself." He spread out his arms in a helpless manner. "But I'm the product of your upbringing. Only thing that counts is money in this family. Am I right?"

"You're right." Wolff had returned, completely newly dressed. "So you live with him and from his money. If this is the case, I can stop my money orders for you."

Kay briefly closed his eyes. Indeed it would be better. If he would take now the consequences of his life, it would be the right decision. But what if he should lose Sebastian for whatever reasons? He thought about the Cerruti-shop which didn't run too well and the income wasn't that overwhelmingly good. Choose now.... but Kay didn't answer his father's questions.

"I'm not here to discuss my private business, father. I live in Italy now."

His mother gasped. "Italy? Your friend is Italian" He doesn't look it."

Kay answered tiredly. "No, he isn't Italian. He works in Rome, that's all."

"It is a beautiful town, isn't it?" Carola threw in. "Do you remember our trips to Italy when you were little? The summers in Jesolo... it was so hot at the beach."

"Yeah," Kay sighed. "I remember." Simon and he splashing each other with water, building sand castles at the shore, he remembered the sunburns he got several times, the white jellyfish they chased in the shallow water, the iceman under the colorful sunshade and the quarrels of his parents both heard through the thin walls of their hotel room.

"So what is the reason you came to visit us? You hadn't the desire to come here for a long time. Why now? And why did you bring your..." Wolff swallowed the rest.

Kay understood that his parents didn't know anything of the life he was leading now. They had no clue about the friends he had made, nor about the condition Simon, their youngest son, was in. Nor did they ask about that.

Before he could answer a young woman entered the room with a coffee mug, cups and a plate of biscuits.

"Thanks, Susanne," Carola said. "Kristian, I'm sure you never met Susanne. She's the niece of Doris. Doris is now too old to take care of the household so she sent us Susanne."

Susanne smiled at Kay and he nodded briefly. Her blue eyes were large and empty, the red mouth pouting and she was dressed in a short skirt. Kay didn't like her at all but then his eyes fell upon is father's facial expression. He examined Susanne's tight buttocks and legs and a suspicion rose in his thoughts. He darted a short glance to his mother who didn't seem to notice his father's glare. Bastard, he thought. Stupid of his mother to let that young girl into the household.

Susanne vanished and Kay took a seat at the table. He felt like a visitor at Buckingham Palace. Formal and starchy with cold courtesies and frozen smiles. How he hated this.

"Did you hear from Simon?" Carola asked all of a sudden. Kay put his coffee cup down and licked his lips. "Sure I have."

"How is he? We heard very little of him since he left the house."

"After he was chucked out by Marcus, yes, I know." Kay said.

"Marcus?" Carolas' face was empty. "Oh yes, that Marcus." Her voice had a disparaging sound.

"Once you were very friendly with Marcus, I can remember. He's the son of your business partner, forgotten?"

"We gave up all business." Wolff's dark eyes pierced Kay's face. "And we're happy about it."

"I can see that." Kay looked at his watch. "Listen to me. I'm here to speak about Simon but I can't do it without Sebastian. I'm afraid, if you want to learn more about it, you have to meet us together." He looked, alternating between Wolff and Carola. "How about meeting again this evening in a restaurant?"

"Do we have to?" Wolff moaned. "I'm not keen to meet your ... friend."

Kay shrugged his shoulders. "Can't help it." His voice was becoming more soft. "Please. It's important."

"Bad news?"

Kay didn't answer.

"Good." Wolff rose from his armchair. "At eight p.m.? Come here, we can go together."

Seven hours later they sat in an expensive restaurant overlooking the rough sea.

Kay's mother picked at her shrimp salad. She didn't eat much because she didn't want to gain a pound of fat. Once more Kay felt sorry for his mother. It was wasted time and effort when he thought about Susanne and his father.

The silence at the table began to be awkward. Carola darted short glances to Sebastian, adored him in his dark green silk shirt and the light grey suit. Sebastian caught those glances and it made him smile hellishly cold. Wolff had avoided to even look in Sebastian's direction and treated him like empty air.

Kay laid his cutlery aside and cleared his throat. "I'm sure you are bursting with curiosity to learn the real reason we are here." It sounded mocking because neither his mother nor his father had ever asked him about that again.

"Well, let's make it short." He pressed leg against Sebastian's under the table and felt his soothing warmth. His lover smiled encouragingly.

"Simon is in hospital. He suffers from a Hepatitis C."

His mother gasped. Hepa...titis? Is it dangerous?"

"Sure it is." Kay shook his head. "He wouldn't be in hospital otherwise." Heavens, where had his mother left her education? Did she ever have one?

"It's serious. He will be there for several weeks. There's a chance that he will recover completely."

"But?" Wolff asked.

"Well, there could be remaining complications."

"Like what?"

"Liver cirrhosis."

Wolff took another bite from his plate. "Well, he will recover."

Kay looked at Sebastian and shrugged a bit. Sebastian lifted an eyebrow.

"But that's not the reason I am here." Kay continued.

"No?" Carola gazed at her son. "What else?"

"Simon is HIV positive. The hepatitis is only irrelevant, actually."

Carola's face indicated that this was all Greek to her. "What is it? Something infectious?" She lifted her hand while Wolff was staring speechless into Kay's face, "Wait, wait, I've heard it before...."

"It means that Simon has AIDS", Wolff said.

"Wrong. He has the virus but is still healthy. So to say."

"I don't understand a word." Carola stuttered. "Simon has AIDS? "

"Sshh, not so loud!" Wolff shushed her. He looked around in the restaurant to see if anyone took notice. Certainly a few friends of theirs were here too and if they did hear it he would be done in their eyes.

"Oh come, dad. We don't have family liability. You aren't responsible for that." To his mother he said, "Yes, Simon has the HIV virus in his body. It weakens his immune system until it can't fight back all the diseases it would normally easily fight. You understand? A simple cold will be bad for him, not to mention pneumonia. And if the cells in his body are in that state of imbalance they they aren't able to fight against those intruders anymore, that's when the docs begin speaking of AIDS."

"Jesus Christ." His mother grabbed for her glass of wine and washed away her shock with a large gulp that left the glass empty.

"I've heard about that on TV. That's the disease of the ...." Her eyes were widened as she glared at her son.

".... the faggots." Kay completed her sentence, "and the junkies." He breathed deeply. "That's rubbish. Everybody can get it." He glanced at his father. "Even you. All you need is sex without protection, a contaminated blood transfusion or an accident where you come in contact with virulent blood."

"And Simon got it from where? Or by whom?" Wolff's voice was caustic like acid.

"Does it really matter? For your satisfaction he isn't a junkie."

Sebastian squeezed his hand under the table. He squeezed back.

"I would like you to listen to me," Sebastian began. "I'm very sorry for your son because I have the pleasure to know him too. He's a good kid, just ... a bit confused and alone. The reasons for this you must sort out for yourself. That's not the point here and it's none of my business. His friends care for him so we came to the conclusion to make a proposal. I don't know about your intentions or testaments you've made. Since Simon won't survive you both, Marcus has asked his lawyer to prepare some papers. If you are willing to pay Simon his inheritance now it would be a great relief, not only for your son, but the man who cares for him at the moment." He smiled his most winning smile he was able to and looked alternately at Carola and Wolff.

"What do you mean he won't survive us? He will die soon?" Carola sounded hysterical.

"Please calm down. Not very soon. He has good chances to live. But he won't get old."

Carola broke into tears. Wolff lent her his handkerchief automatically and she blew her nose loudly. "Why Simon?"

"Why not?" Sebastian answered. "Kay is right, everybody can get it."

"Why do you call him Kay?" his mother asked sniffling.

"Since when does he know he is HIV positive?" Wolff wanted to know.

"For a year."

"And you?" Wolff asked his son.

"We lost track of each other. The only time he asked me for money, I couldn't find him because he was gone already. Before you ask what he did having no money, I will tell you: he was a prostitute."

Kay almost laughed at his father's face. The disgust was plastered all over his face. "It doesn't mean anything now. We must help him, that's the reason we are here."

Sebastian was amazed at Kay's steadiness and intrepidity. He smiled at him.

"Will you help him?"

Carola looked pleadingly at her husband. "Please Wolff, don't say no. He is our son."

Wolff swallowed hard. Sebastian inwardly shook his head. Thank heavens he wasn't a woman and had to plead with a husband for money.

Wolff remained silent.

"Dad! You can't do this. If you won't give the money, his friends have to care for him. Do you want that? I know Marcus wouldn't mind to do so, but it's family business - as you always used to say. Everything was locked behind your damn facade. You never told all your "friends" that you have two faggots as sons, right?" He raised his voice. "It's pay day."

"Shut your mouth, damn!" Wolff hissed. "Let me think. What will he use the money for? Wasting it with fucks? Like you do?"

Kay went pale until his face turned bright red in anger. "Don't say this again," he almost whispered. "Perhaps you too have some secrets mother doesn't want to hear."

"What secrets?" Carola threw in.

"Nothing." Wolff growled.

"No, I want to know. Tell me, Kristian, what is it?"

"Nothing." Kay repeated. Jesus, was that all that she cared about right now? He still glared at his father then he dropped his gaze. "I know you never gave a toss about us. I should have expected that."

He looked at Sebastian who sat there in silence, looking depressed at his empty plate.

"Come. I give you time to think until tomorrow."

Sebastian felt his firm grim on his upper arm while he was pulled up and dragged with Kay. He had never seen him so fuming. As they picked up their coats he looked into Kay's flushed face. "That was good, Kay." He nodded. "Very good."

"They didn't even ask how he is."

Outside, Sebastian pulled Kay into his arms and kissed him. "I've noticed. Give them time to digest the shock. It was a bit too much."

"Don't defend them!"

"I don't defend them. I just say how it is. Even dumb heads need a second chance."

He took Kay's hand and breathed in the clear, salty air. "What a night." he muttered. "Let's go to the beach."

Arriving there, Sebastian knew it wasn't exactly a brilliant idea because it provoked memories. Memories of the Italian night where he had made love with Nicholas ... almost two months ago. Short two months, heavens!

Kay pressed his body against his as they walked in silence. It wasn't the right time for him to think about Nicki, Sebastian scolded himself. Today he had learned another side of Kay, a determined side and he liked it. Perhaps he was about to grow up.

"What to you think?" Kay asked.

"About our parents?" Sebastian breathed through his nose. "I don't know what I should think. They are philistines. They never told their friends about their sons?"

"Never. I guess. The reactions of my father tells me that I'm right." He paused a second. "Do you think I was to harsh? You know, my parents make me angry. I can't help it."

Sebastian nodded. "I think I can understand a bit. Although I don't know much about you and your parents. You have to tell me a lot." He stood and stroked over Kay's tousled hair. "Suddenly you're a completely new Kay to me." He smiled at him.

"And you're not quite sure if you like him, eh?" Kay didn't smile.

"I do." Sebastian walked on, pulling Kay with him. The sand under his shoes was wet and crunched as he squashed little white shells. He felt Kay shivering in his arms and said, "Let's go into the hotel, it's cold. Let's think about it tomorrow."

*

Sebastian lay upon his back, Kay close to his body, and listened to his steady breath. He had difficulty to fall asleep and pondered instead about the events of this day. He didn't know exactly what to think about Wolff and Carola. Surely they tried to give their best in the upbringing of their sons, spoiled them with their richness and spoiled them in a different meaning of the word. Perhaps corrupt would be the right term. Sensing guilt, he remembered that he himself didn't call his parents for a long time. They still lived in Berlin, operating a pharmacy at a good location in town. How could everything fall apart that easily? His sister was married but they never had been so close as apparently Kay and Simon had been. What had been the reason that their ways had drifted apart? Why Kay never doubled his efforts to search for his brother, especially when he knew his credit card was out of funds and he had run out of money? But it was hard to find somebody who doesn't want to be found, especially in a huge town such as Berlin.

He realized that he knew little about Kay. And the reason was that he never had been too interested in other people's lives. But now everything had turned a different corner. He was much too involved. Much more than he ever had dreamt he could be. And - more important - he had begun his relationship with Kay from a false point of view. First he liked him as a lover, his funny personality, the cheerful, laughing eyes. Now Kay had reached a very important point in his life and scared, he came to terms that he couldn't live without him anymore. At least he couldn't imagine how it would be. So the lie he carried as a heavy burden with him had a double weight now. The time where he could have confessed the night with Nicholas was over and it would never return without causing too much pain than was actually needed.

Suddenly he wasn't sure about the idea to come here and beg the Langenburgs for money. Marcus would surely care for Simon and all his needs. So what were they doing here still? People like Wolff Langenburg cared solely about the opinion of other peoples. A thing Sebastian - being homosexual - left behind him long ago. He didn't care what other people thought about him, he was independent, he could afford this behaviour.

>From the distance he could hear the rough waves of the North Sea breaking on the shores and he felt like he was back in that little Italian village where he shared the night with Nicholas. He was genuinely amazed how good Marcus and Nick had recovered. Marcus had told him that both had discussed until they got tired and it had been good this way. It had to be discussed. But how could he - Sebastian - tell Kay out of the blue that he cheated on him with Nick and he had to let it out now because the guilt squeezed him sometimes so that he could hardly breath?

He pressed his body even closer to Kay's and closed his eyes. That Langenburg and his money could get fucked. Simon didn't need it. Nor Kay didn't need the money. He was determined to settle down with Kay. At least he would try to do so.

Something had woke him up. Kay blinked into the darkness of the hotel room and saw the light square of the window. It was in the middle of the night and Sebastian was sound asleep beside him. Kay was restless and knew he wouldn't be able to sleep again so he pulled back the covers silently, searched for his T-shirt, pulled it on and stepped to the window.

He wondered how Simon was doing in the hospital room. Was he sleeping or laying awake? Surely he felt much better by now, no sickness, no puking, no fever. Kay didn't know much about a Hepatitis but he had learned from Ben that the medication was long and it needed a constant awareness of it. No alcohol, no fat dishes and, of course, no drugs. He sighed. What had come over him to sell his body? He couldn't be that down that he had to do this. He knew where I lived. He remembered the Simon he knew when he had been a child, growing up together with Kay as the elder brother who looked lovingly at the baby of the family. He taught him everything, built snow men together in winter, and little wooden water wheels in summer they set between stones of the little creek and Simon laughed when it was turning with amazing speed.

Everything was fun until they came back home where Doris, the housekeeper, greeted them with her usual scolding face. He couldn't remember a day when the lines in her face were straightened, in vain they searched for a smile in her eyes. She took the boys into the hot tub and scrubbed them from head to their dirty feet. Later Kay always felt pity for Simon to find in Marcus' housekeeper a similar dragon. No wonder he revolted so much against that woman, but Marcus, being absent and having a weak spot for Anna, couldn't help him.

The father had spent his days in his factory, the mother in several noble shops, meeting with her friends and both came home tired from their daily task. There was no time left to spend with their sons. There was not time left to spend with their sons, so they missed the time when they grew up, becoming teenagers with sorrows and pains, especially when Kay had the feeling he was gay because he wasn't turned on by girls in the least. Only Simon had been his sole ally for that matter.

Kay smiled. He remembered the day when Doris had found the magazines under Kay's bed. Magazines full of naked young men, sucking and fucking each other. She had hit him over his his head with the copy, not hard but hard enough for Kay to realize that what he did was forbidden, at least in this house. What he longed for. But he couldn't help it.

One night when his parents had left town for a weekend trip he had invited his class mate he had a crush on and had seduced him in style - at least from what he learned from that magazine. Well, it wasn't exactly what he expected - it hurt too much - but perhaps his friend wasn't all that useful for that because later he saw him together with a girl he remained with until they were engaged.

Only Simon knew about his adventure and that brought them more closely together than ever. Simon was eleven by that time but keen to know about what Kay had felt. And Kay told him all, no mistake about it.

Sebastian stirred in bed. Kay turned his head but didn't move. He saw his lover wiping his face, heaving his upper body up and stepping out of bed. A second later he felt embraced from behind and Sebastian's whisper near his ear. "What are you doing here? Can't sleep?"

Kay shook his head. "Was thinking about the old times." He chuckled a bit. "I never did this. Never remembered the past."

"You have lots to tell me, sweetie. I realize I don't know you at all." Sebastian kissed the skin under Kay's ear. "Come back to bed, it's cold here."

"You still have the intention to take your father's money?" Sebastian asked when they slipped under the covers again. "Thought you said you took the job at Cerruti's to earn your own. So why not turn down the checks?"

"I don't know about that. I'm afraid, you know. I always had money, so how can I live from that little bit I earn in a month?"

"Kay, I'm with you."

Kay tried to pierce the darkness to see Sebastian's face. "How long?"

Sebastian sighed. "As long as you want," he said hardly audible.

Kay was stunned for a moment but then said, "Don't know if I can believe you."

Sebastian didn't know what to answer. Every word would be in vain, every promise.

"I thought about Simon," Sebastian continued after a while. "Of course it was Marcus' idea to ask for Simon's inheritance but being so difficult to get it, he would say forget about that money and take my own instead. I know him better than you. He was always generous and wouldn't let Simon down. Simon would have everything he needs."

Kay sat upright. "You mean Simon should turn down his inheritance and take Marcus' money instead. He would never do it!"

Sebastian pulled him back into his arms. "Shh. Simon doesn't even know that we're here to get him the money. Do you think he would approve of that? Better to take the money gladly given by a friend than money given reluctantly by his parents."

"Shit money." Kay was pounding the pillow.

"Indeed. But we need it. Simon needs it." He turned over to kiss Kay's lips. "Think about it. Tomorrow we need an answer from your parents. Why not pre-empt by saying they could stick their damn money up their asses."

Kay laughed. "I know a better thing up my arse."

Sebastian smiled. "Me too."

*

"Eduard" Frank looked surprised but opened the door for him.

"I have to talk to you." Eduard quickly entered Frank's flat and silently closed the door.

"Up for a little Friday afternoon-fuck?" Frank leered.

Eduard's body responded to Frank's sharp voice and his blood began to pulse.

"Perhaps. If you don't mind?" His voice was smarmy.

Frank firmly gripped Eduard's balls and gave them a squeeze. Eduard squealed.

"Why were you so stupid to leave your magazines open for every sod to find, huh?" Frank's face was very close to Eduard's. God, he would give a lot to kiss those pale, small lips, but Frank never kissed him. He still squeezed his nuts and Eduard's penis began to swell. Frank grinned and showed his short, small teeth. Everything about Frank was short and a bit small, the body, the limbs, the hair but his cock was long, hard and very strong. Eduard's anus twitched involuntarily. He tried to touch Frank's groin to get a feel of that big cock but Frank pushed his hands away - as always.

Eduard began to sweat and his breathing laboured. Too much excitement for a man like him - almost 50, thin haired and beer-bellied.

Abruptly Frank released the grip on his balls. Eduard tumbled a bit.

"Answer Me!"

"I ... I don't know." Eduard stuttered. Frank lit a cigarette but the taste of it made him sick. Annoyed, he stuffed the cigarette between Eduard's lips. Eduard coughed; he didn't smoke.

"So you don't know? Too stupid. I've heard your little wife couldn't stand the view, yes? She left you?"

"Yes." Eduard answered timidly and dropped his head. "My nephew informed you about it?"

"Oh, yes. Our precious Walter-Udo. The most talented artist at the Academy!" Frank snorted.

"Yes." Eduard approached Frank's body. "You don't look good, Frank."

Surprised by the remark Frank said, "Had a cold and can't get rid of it." Seriously he feared that it could be something else, lately he couldn't bring himself to eat and he had a constant little fever. "Don't care about that." he said loudly.

"I'm sorry about Walt," Eduard continued. "We have to make plans. He threatened me about telling the press what I am."

"What you ARE?" Frank laughed. "What are you? Poor little sausage, creeping upon your fat belly to my feet. Nothing more." He blew air through his nose and turned his head. "What do you mean... threatened you? Do you think anybody would take notice in this town concerning what you like to do in bed ... or somewhere?"

"At least my boss would be bothered, of course."

Frank shook his head. "Fuck that boss." He whirled around. "Listen, your stupid little nephew is not going to destroy us. I made a mistake in hitting him before witnesses. He threatened me too, wants to sue me for hitting a pupil."

"I know. He told me the same. This is his plan: I shall dismiss you from the Academy and he won't tell anything to the press."

"Ha! That little shit!" Frank wiped his face. He felt a sudden cramp in his stomach. Eduard watched him carefully. "Do you need help?"

Frank pulled himself together and wiped his sweaty forehead. "I'm all right." But his voice was laboured. "What do we do now with that shit?" he asked softly. But he couldn't wait for an answer because he ran into the toilet where he puked into the toilet sink. Panting, he raised his head and rinsed his mouth with water. This couldn't be a simple cold.

When he returned, Eduard sat at the edge of an armchair and followed every movement he made. Franks legs were shaking and he plopped himself into another armchair. "Perhaps you have eaten something spoiled?" Eduard suggested.

"Spare me your compassion. It's nothing." He paused. "So you're determined to dismiss me from the Academy to save your own skin, yes? Is this what you want?" Frank's pale eyes were piercing. "I warn you, try it and next day the press knows all about your likings."

Eduard sank into the armchair. His belly stood out and swept over his thin legs. "What do you suggest then?" he asked in a low voice.

"Give your nephew a lecture instead."

Eduard raised his head. "What do you mean?" He sounded startled and Frank had to grin. "Let me think about that. Go now."

Eduard heaved his body from the chair and waited at the door. "Will you call me when you have an idea?" He stood unsure. "There's something else..." He was writhing like a snake. "You know, it's..." He darted a glance in Frank's direction. Frank ignored him. "It's that I am blackmailed." He breathed out, relieved.

"Blackmailed?" Frank repeated. Eduard was looking at his shoes. "I told you about my secret back in Hamburg, didn't I?"

Frank's comprehending gaze pierced him. "I see! Your little handcuff games and all... well you should have been more careful." He stepped a bit closer. "You think it could be this... what was his name?"

"Jo. He tried it before with the videos. I paid and hid here in Berlin. But there are still the photos of me and Simon."

Frank's head flung around. "Did you say Simon? How does he look?"

Eduard gazed suspiciously for a moment. "Why do you want to know? Brown curls and eyes. There's not much to tell about him, he's a pretty boy, that's all." He memorized the pleasurable cock in his mind but didn't want to give this away.

"Did he mention a Marcus Weidenbruch?"

"Weidenbruch? You mean the queer art promoter?"

Frank nodded.

"Why should he?"

"Because he was his lover."

Eduard tore open his eyes. "No, he didn't mention him. Do you know Simon? Do you think it could be he who is blackmailing me? There was, of course, no sender and no stamp."

But Frank waved him out, holding his stomach. Again he felt nausea rising and hardly made it to the bathroom. When he came back, Eduard was still there, annoying like a shit house fly. "Do you know Simon?" he insisted and Frank was surprised about the urgency in his voice. He wiped his mouth. "Tell you what. You're coming with me and I will show you Simon, all right?"

*

"I'll make it short, Ben. You know already the sad ending. After his heart attacks began coming in rapid succession, I called for a doc to have a look at him. He examined him carefully and heard strange noises in the area of his heart. He made it clear to me to bring him to a hospital and not to shelve it for the time being. I gave him our last money; neither I nor he had medical insurance anymore.

A mysterious weakness had taken hold of him, he was thinner than ever and a bit short of breath. His lungs were whistling sometimes when he slept or when he laughed. Somehow I had the feeling this was the end, although I refused to believe it. He was hardly 20. Because he couldn't come with me anymore, I went alone to meet dates and tried to work off the money. To soothe my hunger, I took cocaine. I knew he did the same but I wasn't with him to take away the stuff.

Summer had been hot and we enjoyed the cooler nights, walking out, sitting at the river and watching the passing ships. One night he asked me to stay there. He had taken a blanket with him. He spread it over us and we cuddled close together like puppies. It was warm and the air like velvet. And then summer was gone when I opened my eyes again. His heart must have stopped beating in the night. It was a gentle death.

What I did afterwards I can't quite remember. Probably I carried him to a hospital and left him there. They would care for the dead Oliver like I cared for the living. I never told him that I loved him. Left his declaration of love he made in happier days unanswered. I regret it to no end. But maybe he knew."

Ben knocked at the door and peered into the room. He saw Simon sitting in his bed and closing a journal. His eyes lit up when he saw Ben entering the room, coming closer and sitting upon his bed. He gave him a kiss. "How are you? You look much better."

"I'm feeling much better. The treatment seems to work." He blinked several times and tried to shake off his sadness.

Ben smiled. "Good. How long do you have to stay here? Perhaps they will release you sooner?"

Simon shook his head. "No way. I asked about that but the doc said, I have to stay here the entire time, means still about three weeks. He said, now I feel strong but I need the medication to keep the relatively good condition." He paused. "Do you know what they feed me? Mashed potatoes! And apple puree! I hate this." He sighed heavily.

"If it helps."

"Yeah. And ever morning the nurse is drawing blood from my veins. Here." He reproachfully held out his arm and Ben saw the needle marks in the crook of his arm.

"Poor baby," Ben smiled. "I'm so happy you feel better. You'll see, time will rush on and in no time you'll be back home again." His smile vanished. "You know, Simon, I have to tell you something important."

Simon looked interested. "What is it?"

"I got a call from Kay. He and Sebastian came back from their visit at your parents house." He paused a second and shushed Simon who wanted to say something.

"Listen first. They asked about your inheritance. It's your money and Marcus' lawyer said you have a right to be paid it here and now - under these special circumstances."

Simon was speechless for a moment. "So everybody is waiting for my end, yes? I don't have any intention of pushing up the daisies here and now."

"Simon, of course not ....."

"Thought they would have disinherited me already," Simon grumbled.

Ben blinked. "Kay said it was an unhappy encounter and Sebastian called Marcus to make sure he would pay for everything you need in case your parents are done with you."

Simon's eyes widened. "Marcus? That's impossible. I'll never take money from him!"

"But why? What will you do otherwise? Go and sell your arse again? Don't be so stupid."

The door opened once more and a second bed was wheeled into the hospital room. In it was laying a very yellow and greenish looking Frank Neumann.

"Here we go," cheered the nurse. "Now Simon, aren't you happy to have company? Must be pretty boring all alone here."

Ben and Simon stared at each other. "Very happy," Simon muttered. "Is this the only hospital in the whole of Berlin? Shit."

Ben could hardly avoid a grin, this was too funny. One moment later he realized this wasn't funny at all. "Does he..." he cleared his throat, "does he have Hepatitis too?" he asked the nurse.

"Yes. The C-class." She looked at Simon. "Feeling all right?"

Simon nodded then glared at Frank who had his eyes closed.

"He's not feeling too well but I will tell you this," the nurse continued, fumbling at the bed, tugged the pillow and adjusting the height.

"Soon he will be better. Right Mr. Neumann?"

Frank opened his eyes, looked over to Simon's bed and if it was possible, his face became more yellow than it already was. "Simon!" he croaked.

"Oh, you know each other?"

"Indeed."

The nurse looked thoughtfully for a moment and vanished.

"I don't dare to ask where you got that Hepatitis from." Simon asked dryly."

"Shut your mouth." Frank said weakly, "and thanks a lot for this."

Simon snorted. "Thanks a lot? Who was the jerk who fucked me without protection, huh?"

Frank tried to sit upright but failed. "You want to say that I'm that idiot?"

"Quite right."

"You're wrong. I know now that I could sue you for not warning me before that you have AIDS."

"I don't have AIDS."

"No?"

Ben rolled his eyes to the white washed ceiling. "He's HIV infected, if you're so well informed you should know this."

"What's the difference." Frank said tired. "Better to have this damn shit I have now than to die a wretched death soon."

Ben clutched his hand around Simon's underarm and held him tight. He shook his head and stopped Simon from saying something he would regret.

"Shall I ask the nurse for another room for him?" he whispered.

Simon didn't answer. He stared sinisterly. "You made a test, yes?"

Frank nodded. "Came out negative. Have to repeat it."

"And in the meantime..... how many guys have you fucked without protection?"

"Huh?"

"Without protection," Simon repeated louder. "You sue me for not telling you. Have you told anyone?"

Frank thought briefly about Eduard but both had used a condom. "None of your business."

Ben didn't know what to say or do. He definitely would ask the nurse for another room for Frank. This was too ridiculous. He tried to ignore Frank and whispered, "what about the money? What shall I tell Kay? He wants to visit you later."

"I don't know what to do."

Ben stroked Simon's hair out of his dark ringed eyes. "Let me know your decision, will you? Um, there's something else."

"Else? Good or bad?"

"Good. Kay will give us his flat. He doesn't need it anymore, he said."

Simon's face lit up. "His flat! Is it a big one?"

"He says yes, at the Museumsinsel."

"Wow." But instantly he was stern again. "You said 'give US'? Both of us?"

"Yes. Do you think I'd leave you alone?"

Simon stared into Ben's hazel eyes. "Does this mean you want to live with me?"

"Yes." Ben's voice was firm.

Simon blinked and remained silent. He wasn't used to such a commotion they made of him all of a sudden. Rather he was used to living alone and caring for himself. Hm, didn't work out too well, right, Simon? he asked himself.

He felt Ben squeezing his hand and he closed his eyes. He couldn't allow this. Never. He didn't deserve Ben.

"First let me recover, yes?" he said low. "I'll think about it."

Ben was disappointed but was willing to give him time. He didn't tell Simon that Kay had removed all his clothes already and Ben had his stuff in his car waiting outside the hospital. He was excited to finally have a flat for his own.

"Ok. Don't let me wait too long, Simon. I'll have to go now. Kay and Sebastian are coming later. Suddenly he felt Simon's arm around his neck, pulling him closer to him, holding him tight. He wasn't sure but he believed he felt a shudder running through Simon's tensed body. But when he freed himself, Simon was calm as ever and tried to smile. "See you tomorrow." Ben was about to raise up but Simon held him by his arm. "Try to save me from the moron, promise?"

Ben grinned. "Promise."

"Bye Frank," he said loudly. At the door he turned and blew Simon a kiss before he closed the door.

"So that's a real love affair of yours, eh?" Simon heard Frank's sneering voice.

"Shut up, man. Heavens, I feel like I'm in a comedy! Did you know I lay in this hospital? You were keen to visit me again, huh?"

Frank sank back into his pillows. "Sure man, I could hardly wait for that. So how long have you been here already?"

"One week."

"And how's the service?"

"Service? You'll see for yourself. A quarter to six the night is over.

"Really?" Frank muttered something unintelligible. "Thought it was only a simple cold but then I vomit all the time. Same for you?"

"Yeah." Simon's eyes were heavy. His mind swirled when he thought about Ben's words. Marcus' money ... that was out of the question. He couldn't take this. Could he? His lashes fluttered. He heard Frank's voice from a distance until there was silence.

*

"It was hard losing Oliver. He was too familiar meanwhile and I missed him terrible. I couldn't leave the little flat; it was the only one I could afford. The guys Oliver owed money would want the money from me, they knew me. So I kept selling myself and drugs until it was paid. I was almost finished with it when I met you, Ben. I could keep the money now for myself and could afford a nicer flat.

I never wasted a thought about my parents and I was too ashamed to go to my brother. Have I told you that I hate my parents? They never gave a fuck about me nor my brother. At least not after they learned we both are gay. They remained in a state of shock, never speaking about it as if this behaviour could make it unhappen. Like those three apes - not seeing, not hearing, not speaking.

What was I supposed to do after returning from Marcus' home with nothing more than my small bag and a big hurt heart. I couldn't stand their reproachful glances, the unfinished sentences, the sudden silence whenever I entered a room. For them, homosexuality was equal to having the AIDS disease, sooner or later at least. Hell, in my case, they happened to be right.

I had nothing to do, I never had wasted a thought about earning money for my own or something. Money was there as much as I wanted but not enough to fill the empty void inside me. Marcus had left me.

Don't get me wrong, Ben. It wasn't Marcus' fault. I deserved it. I still owe you the story of Jo. It was a time when I didn't know what to do. I had cheated on Marcus, not only with Rene, there were several men - meaningless men, but Marcus couldn't forgive me.

One day I packed my small back pack again and left Berlin for Hamburg; not that far away but far enough to leave all my sorrow behind.

Joachim picked me up at a table dance bar. I noticed the glossy black hair - just like Marcus' hair but it had some grey strands in it. I found it sexy. Sexy as the golden rings covering his fingers and the little diamond in his left ear. Shit, he looked like the last pimp but I didn't mind after I heard he was the owner of those fucking clubs.

It wasn't for the money, Ben. I had my own account and the credit card. I was free. I yearned for somebody's affection that goes beyond a sexual encounter. I needed warmth. His body close, over and in me to break the ice. I was happy. Yes. I didn't know yet that death was within me, nagging inside, consuming my cells, poisoning my blood, making me weak. That young, healthy body of mine, Jo couldn't get enough of."