A Promise and a Curse - 8. Chapter 8

"Gosh! What a breathtaking view!" Kay exclaimed. He stood on one of the balconies, leading from Daniel's living room in his castle. Below his feet a little river found its way through stones covered with moss and wet grass, fern and little yellow flowers. His eyes followed until he lost sight of it between grey rocks.

The ivy-covered castle was spread out over three stories with two picturesque, little inside yards amongst them. The stout, merlon armed tower was the eldest and most magnificent part of it.

The air was transparent and warm and left a little haze in the distance, so that the green covered mountains were hardly to be seen. Under the castle spread the town Meran, an exclusive place for rich people, even Empress Sissy visited several times when she had suffered from tuberculosis.

The river Passer ran through it like a silver band, wild and rough sometimes, as Daniel told him, when it carried too much water in Spring. Kay could see high palms and several clock towers, the large white Casino and the Odeon where senior citizens enjoyed the Sunday matinee performance.

Sebastian, behind him, put his hands upon his shoulders and squeezed them.

"I knew you would love it, sweetie." Both entered the room again.

"Look, what a great cupboard," Kay said.

"Indeed." Daniel said. "It's from 1571." Kay examined the coat of arms which was painted on every drawer.

"I must see to my vegetable garden, make yourselves comfortable." Daniel said and vanished again.

"Vegetable garden?"

"Of course vegetable garden. It's the old kitchen yard where he now grows herbs and vegetables, even potatoes and so on. I guess there's not much that he has to buy."

"Is there anything he isn't able to do?"

"Minor things," Sebastian laughed. "He's much on the practical side."

He sat at the wooden bench along the windows made of colored bull's eye panes. "Look at these. Even those panes are so expensive. It takes a lot of money to keep them in good condition. Have you had a look into the little chapel? That's were the Pacher-altar use to be."

"No, I hadn't. Let's do it later, yes? I'm so tired. Where are we supposed to sleep?"

"The castle is big enough, don't you think? Come, I will show you first all the suits of armor, halberds, morning stars and ram antlers."

"I only hope Simon will make up his mind and take Marcus' money, after that shit with our parents," Kay said while they ate in a little trattoria in Meran. Daniel wasn't in the mood to cook so they, unceremoniously, decided to go out. The big clock tower of church St. Nicholas was illuminated and was sending its glow into the evening air. It was warm enough to sit outside and Kay really enjoyed the view. It wasn't as busy and noisy as Rome, rather quiet and from the closest tables he could hear the chatting of people, both in German and Italian.

"I'm sure he will, Kay." Sebastian answered. "Nobody could ever resist Marcus' arts of persuasion. He's a pro at it." He winked.

"How is it that you haven't any contact with your parents? I can't understand," Daniel asked.

"Oh well," Kay sighed and drank a bit from his light Tramino-wine. "I don't know. We were never close, and when they found out that we are both gay they gave up the hope to hand their firm over to their sons. So they sold it and settled down at the Nordic Sea. I mean, they cared a lot for Simon since he is much younger that me, but when he had his affair with Marcus, they dismissed him somehow. Simon would never admit that he's sad about it though."

Daniel and Sebastian exchanged a look.

"We'll see." Kay continued. "Now tell me, rather, how is it that this beautiful castle survived all those years."

Daniel grinned. "Well it was built up very strongly, and the place over the gorge is ideal. Nobody ever conquered it. You see, the valley of the Etsch - this valley we are living in - was one of the primary connecting ways between middle Europe and Italy. It was an extraordinary good place to scare away invaders. And", he grinned even broader, "Our ancestors were robber barons who demanded toll from travelers, pilgrims and passing merchants. So the castle never was given up but improved to a comfortably noble place."

"What? Robber barons? I thought you had a poet in the family?"

"Both, sweetie. We're a rough dynasty! Didn't you notice?"

"Well, I've noticed." Kay grinned back. Then he looked around. "Isn't there something like a gay bar?"

"Gay bar?" Daniel exclaimed, but lowered his voice instantly. "Thought I told you about that. Here there isn't any opportunity for a little one night stand."

"Oh yes, you told me. But this town can't be gay free. Open your eyes, Danny. I'm sure there are a lot of men who fancy you."

Both cousins exchanged a look again and Sebastian raised an eyebrow. "He's right, Danny."

"Ah, come. I don't think so. I'll spend the rest of my life jerking off."

Kay snorted and sprayed a bit of wine into the air. Wiping his mouth he said, "Would like to offer myself to do it for you but..." he glanced at Sebastian.

"What ... but?" Sebastian asked mockingly.

"Let's go for a little walk, yes?" Kay said instead of an answer.

Several days passed, filled with visits to museums, bringing stuff from Daniel's old flat in town up to the castle and with walks through the vineyards. Kay believed he had never seen a landscape so beautiful, so peaceful and so full of green that he had the impression Meran lay in a never ending spring. There was no winter possible, was it?

Sadly he came to terms that tomorrow they would leave for bustling Rome. But as long as Sebastian was with him, he didn't bother where they would move. Tired, he walked into the little room he shared with Sebastian, undressed and was up for the even smaller bathroom Daniel had installed, when he saw Sebastian standing in the door frame.

"Ready for hitting the sack, sweetie? I thought you would join us for a farewell drink?" His voice sounded a bit out of breath and somewhat strained. Kay wondered about that.

"Yeah, but I'm really tired. Must be the fresh air here." Sebastian looked disappointed, so Kay gave in.

"One drink."

Sebastian crossed the room and took Kay's hand in his. Sizing him up he said, "Tomorrow this time we'll luckily be in our own bed." He grinned impishly and Kay returned the grin. Sebastian brought his lips near to Kay's and pulled him close. His embrace was very tight and the kiss hot. "Think I love you," he muttered breathless and almost against his will.

Kay's eyes widened and he let loose of his lover so unexpectedly that Sebastian almost stumbled. A little traitorous redness flushed Sebastian's cheeks before he turned and stopped at the door. He blew Kay another kiss and closed the door behind him.

Kay stood motionless for a moment before he broke into a little hysterical giggle. This could only be a joke.

"The Museum's staff was really keen on your altar?" Sebastian asked. He sat easily upon the wooden window bench and stared a bit absentmindedly into the night.

"Sure. Very keen. Buy I couldn't bring myself to give it to the museum. It's been a family possession so long and survived so many things that it simply belongs to us. You know it."

"Yes, yes. I know." Sebastian was still absentminded. 'Think I love you?' How could this slip over your lips? Because it is the truth, you twit. Is it?

"Bastian?" Daniel took his glass of wine. "Are you listening to me?"

"Yes, yes." It happened seldom that Sebastian communed with himself so the more surprised he was now.

"Your wine is getting warm." Daniel held his glass and Sebastian took it. He liked the dry, fresh taste of the Tramino wine. Nowhere else did it taste so good as here at it's place of origin.

Did you really think you could go on until all eternity without making a commitment? You both have known each other for four months now, that's time enough to learn to love somebody

Sebastian shook his head. What do you know about love, huh?

"Bernhard, the leader of the museum goes on at me every month to make the altar accessible to the public. But I told him already that I have the intention to hold guided tours in the castle - if the renovation should someday be finished, that is. So the people would be able to see it."

Sebastian seemed to slowly awake from his lethargy. "You wanted to give it to the museum or sell it?"

"You always think about money."

Sebastian raised his right eyebrow. "Money? Don't think so. Either you have money or you haven't but that's not a point to speak about."

"Snob."

Sebastian winked. "So you have enough money, yes?"

"I've sold the apple plantation, as you know. Mother wasn't especially amused about that. By the way, have I told you that the man with whom I made the negotiations was only a front man?"

"No! So who is the real buyer, do you know?"

The door opened and Kay plodded in. Sebastian beamed instantly and waved him over. Daniel poured him a glass of wine.

"Tired?"

Kay nodded but remained silent.

"No, I don't know the real buyer. But guess I will find out as soon as everything is in the bag." Daniel lifted his glass. "Too bad you both will leave me tomorrow. You know I've gotten used to your company. To a safe return."

"To a safe return," Kay repeated. "Oh man, I'm really tired. Too much looking, walking and tasting." He sighed. "It's so peaceful here."

"No cars, no motorbikes and no hollering people, eh?" Sebastian answered. He lifted himself from the window bench, sat beside Kay and put his arm around his shoulder.

You're almost 30. How could you think this could go on forever, all those fucks you filled your life with?

"About which your mother isn't amused?" Kay responded.

"The loss of the plantation. But it was a hell of a lot of work. I'm glad to leave it behind me. And I'm fed up with all that spraying of pesticide. Can you remember the nightingales? They are gone. Perhaps dead. And no mosquitoes, no bugs or other insects. They can't survive that treatment."

"Heavens, and we're eating those apples!" Kay exclaimed.

"Indeed." Daniel's lips were twisted to a half grin.

"To return to the altar. So do you think Bernhard could be the one who broke in and robbed you?" Sebastian asked.

"No, I don't. Bernhard is an old, friendly man. I don't think he could be the burglar."

"Well, he didn't have to do it by himself."

Daniel shook his head.

"You never lock the gate?" Kay asked.

"Never. I close the gate but never lock it. Perhaps stupid of me."

"True. Should buy a dog." Kay yawned.

Daniel laughed. "Perhaps. To keep me company." He smiled a bit sadly.

Sebastian played with Kay's dark curls. He realized that both never had spoken about their feelings except the brief talk about that Kay was sure he was ready for a commitment.

"But there are other museums in Meran. Perhaps one of them?" he said haltingly. He sniffed the fresh smell of youth and wished he could drag Kay instantly to bed. He felt Kay's body going limp as he snuggled closer to his chest. He took the glass from Kay's hand and placed in upon the old wooden table.

"I have no clue, Bastian, honestly. I think the altar is gone for good and I never will know about its whereabouts."

Daniel threw a glance at Kay, who had closed his eyes, and grinned to Sebastian. "Seems your boyfriend here is really tired."

Sebastian returned the grin and looked down at Kay who had fallen asleep. "Youth! Nothing used." Carefully he stood and lifted Kay's body. He took him up and moaned a bit. "Gosh, thought he would be easier to carry. Be back in a minute. Wait for me."

He crossed the room and went upstairs, entered their little room and put Kay carefully upon the bed. Kay's eyelashes fluttered and he mumbled something. Sebastian began to undress him, first the shoes, the socks and fumbled with the button and zipper of his trousers. Kay helped him pull off the pullover before he snuggled deep under the bedcover. "You stay with me?" he muttered.

Sebastian planted a kiss on his nose. "Soon, sweetie. Loving you."

Kay smiled but never opened his eyes. Sebastian stood a moment in front of the bed, looking down at his lover who was already asleep. Then he turned and silently closed the door.

Daniel had opened the window and had stepped out on the balcony. When he saw Sebastian coming back he tossed him an old sheepskin jacket of his. "Here, put this on, it's a bit cold outside."

Sebastian did and stepped beside his cousin. "He's really a sunshine, isn't he?" Daniel said. "Where did you find him?"

"Told you already, Danny."

"Yeah, I know. What I mean is, where do you find such good natured boys. He's lovely." Sebastian gave him a suspicious look. "Don't think I would lend him."

Daniel chuckled. "Too bad." Another suspicious look met him and he patted Sebastian's shoulder. "Don't worry. Tomorrow you both will leave. Um, have you heard about Simon and his boyfriend?"

"Yeah. Simon is still in hospital. Last time I called Marcus said it looks better. The docs have hope to save him completely."

"From the HVC you mean."

"Yes. The Hepatitis."

"Ben is a nice guy," he heard Daniel's quiet voice.

"Hey, thought you would fancy Kay!" Sebastian exclaimed.

"Sshht, your loverboy's sleeping. Now, tell me, do you have the intention to hold on to Kay? Thought you would change your boyfriend every month at least."

"I did." Sebastian snorted. "Gosh, what do you think about me? I'm the biggest slut in town? Perhaps."

Daniel put his underarms upon the railing and looked down to sleeping Meran. "I have a feeling you were indeed." He looked into his cousin's face. "Right to use the past tense?"

"Completely. I think I'm in love." Sebastian tossed his head back and raked his fingers through his sandy hair. "You know, just that moment when I stepped into the room to look for Kay it struck me. He stood there, slowly undressing and I watched him like a voyeur. You understand?"

"How couldn't I?"

"I realized how much I'm in love - probably." Sebastian's voice was unusually timid. "I've never been before."

"Wrong. What about Marcus?"

"Marcus. Yeah. Marcus. That's long time ago you know."

Though Kay had been dog tired he had awoke again. Now his eyes hung open and he couldn't bring himself to sleep. All of a sudden he was awake again and realized that he felt a bit sticky. So he stepped out of the bed and headed for the bathroom. He wondered where Bastian was so long and listened. He heard voices. They were coming from the living room below, so he opened the window and bent down.

"You wanted to tell me the long story of you and Nick. Was it a torrid affair?" Daniel reminded him. "I have time or are you tired?"

Sebastian shook his head. He hesitated. "It isn't such a long story. Actually to be told in a few sentences." He struggled with himself. Was it a good idea to give away too much? The more people knew, the more it was likely that Kay could find out. But Daniel was looking expectantly at him so he continued. "Marcus once more got crazy about a work of art, therefore he made a trip to London to buy it if he could. And Nick was at home alone."

"That was all? You seized the opportunity?"

"No, not that easy. Marcus had an affair with the owner of the screen. He promised him to give Marcus the piece when he had fucked him."

"Gosh! Marcus accepted and Nick found out, right?"

"Right. Nick was devastated. The night he and I spent together was only ... only ..."

"A consolation?" Daniel helped him out.

"Sort of, yes."

Daniel shook his head, not understanding. "How could you forget Kay? And why have you never told him? You said Marcus and Nick worked it out so why not you both?"

"I can't." Sebastian fell into depressed silence. Aimlessly his look wandered around the nightly mountains and the few lights he could make out. "I'm a coward in these things. Before it gets too hot I flee."

"Ah! That's the reason, yes? My unshakable cousin is a coward. He's afraid of deep feelings. And now Kay has you on the hook."

Sebastian sighed. "Apparently. I'm afraid of it. You know, Marcus and I ... Marcus is a riddle to me. He always complained that I couldn't be faithful but it never stopped him to cheat on me as well. Perhaps because I was the one who began this game. The game of unfaithfulness. So he thought he owed me something and we hurt each other nonstop until we broke up finally. But it doesn't stop me from loving him." He paused and wiped his face. "Apparently."

"Loving him? You mean what I think you mean?"

"No. No, no. That's another kind of love. Not sexual. Not any longer."

Slowly Daniel began to understand.

"But Nick? Was it only your hormones that you went so crazy about him? You told me that there was such a strong affinity between you both."

"Don't know, perhaps both of them, affinity and the longing to protect him. After all I know Marcus and his scatterbrain. He forgets everything when he's after something. Well, he did learn a lesson. Nick came over to Rome and we spent nice days together, all three, but then Kay returned to Berlin to quit his job and we both were alone."

"I see. Temptation."

"Yeah. Temptation." He grinned sadly at Daniel. "Ever made love on a beach?"

"Beach? No." Daniel laughed.

"Well, come over to Rome sometime and we can drive to the beach. Perhaps we can find a nice lover boy for you."

Sebastian heard a sound very close to them and he turned his head. "Did you hear something? Sounded like a window shut."

"Could be a cat. Or an owl." Daniel assured him.

"Anyway. Think you must come out of that one horse town more often. How will you find a lover here?"

"Do I have to? My last relationship didn't work out too well, you know."

"Wouldn't call it a relationship. Roberto was a seasonal worker. How long did it last? From September till December, right?"

"Right." Daniel sighed. "I've never heard about a gay club here."

"Of course not. But I can't imagine a gay free town! Man, if Kay would stay here a bit longer he would find out for you for sure. You know he isn't shy and never bothered to tell anybody who wants to hear that he's happy to be gay."

"Funny lad. I'm sure you both make a good couple. I can see it."

Kay flopped upon the bed and stared into nothing. His mind was a turmoil of different feelings. Love on the beach? Consolation? Affinity? Temptation? His stomach was hot like boiling water and he felt sick from one second to the next. Could this mean ... could this mean both ... He ran his fingers through his hair and held them folded behind his head.

His stomach churned now and his heart pounded painfully in his chest. What did it mean? Abruptly he remembered Marcus' words when he had visited him in Berlin to tell him where Nick had been. 'If I were you I wouldn't leave them both alone.' These words and the startled face Marcus had made in attempt to make his words unspoken. He had the right presumption. He knew Sebastian. Jesus Christ! How he could ever be so gullible and blind!

He laid down and pressed his hands upon his hurting stomach. Thousands of images flooded through his mind. Suddenly he sat upright. That night! The night of Nick's car accident! Sebastian had taken Nick home and since Sebastian never returned to pick Kay up he had followed and rang the doorbell.

He had almost forgotten about this incident. Sebastian had opened the door totally disarranged, an expression on his face he couldn't explain to himself. Traitorous, yes. A bit ashamed and flushed. He was dressed in a bathrobe and naked under it. And he told you that Nick was laying already in bed sleeping. Huh! Sleeping, eh? Apparently Kay had disturbed something ...

Oh for Christ sake, that arsehole! And you were up to fall in love with him. Pah, fall in love with him. Up to love him! The biggest love affair you ever had! Why didn't he tell you. Why did he tell Daniel? Daniel didn't make the impression as if he would hear it the first time, he was the one who brought up the subject. So you are the only one who didn't know about it. Surely Marcus and Nick had worked it out already.

Kay sunk back into the cushions and felt like the last idiot in the whole world. What should he tell Sebastian when he came back? When he would lay close to him, wrap his arms around him and he would feel his warmth ... would he give in like always?

He heard steps in front of the door and quickly closed his eyes. He rolled himself together, not facing the door and tried to breath calmly. The door opened. Kay heard Sebastian sneaking to the bathroom door and vanishing into it. His heart was pounding like a forge hammer and adrenaline was rushing through his veins. No way he would sleep this night.

Some minutes later he felt a waving of the bed when Sebastian stretched out beside him. As feared he slid closer, draped an arm around Kay's body and he felt his warm breath on his naked shoulder. He even felt his penis pressing into the cleft of this buttocks and he twitched involuntarily. Despairing he tried to breath calm, pressing his eyelids tightly together.

After a while he heard Sebastian's deep breath and knew he was asleep. He opened his eyes again and stared to the lighter square of the window. It was impossible. He must have understood something wrong. Sebastian would have confessed that he fucked with Nicholas. Kay blinked.

How was Nick when he saw him the last time? Wasn't there a bit of a restraint in his very being? The eyes that couldn't meet his look. Or was this imagination? Sweet Nicki with his innocent blue eyes and the aura of a shy boy... But there had been something else the last time he saw him. A touch of confidence; he was much more matured than before. A young, bright, lovable man and his behavior to Marcus was full of trust and mutual understanding.

Why Sebastian didn't tell? Kay couldn't understand. His trust in Sebastian began to dwindle like ice cream in an oven. He gauged every word he had said, every touch, every time they made love. Funny, he chided himself. You never used the term "making love." So what does this mean?

The pain in his stomach didn't subside. He couldn't stand the heat coming from Sebastian's body. Carefully he freed himself from his arm and slipped out of the bed. Silently he searched for his clothes piled upon a chair, grabbed them, slipped into his shoes and tiptoed out of the room. On the floor he looked for the staircase and tried to make as little noise as possible when he crept down them. Down in the living room he saw the glasses still standing upon the old table. He still felt the touch of Sebastian's fingers in his hair and heard his voice close to his ear.

You old bugger! He cursed almost too loud. Why do you have to destroy everything. Unhappy he sank upon the couch standing on the other side and spread the blanket upon his body. He had to think about it without Sebastian's presence. He tried to forgive him, but every time he thought he could make it, images of two naked bodies slipped in front of his inner eyes.

Two naked bodies united at a beach. Which beach for heaven's sake? Couldn't be the Roman beach, it was too cold for that. Perhaps they had driven to the south coast. Naples? Sebastian had told him that it might be spring there already.

He saw Nicholas spreading his legs for him, embracing Sebastian's body, pulling him close, closer until they were united, moving, turning, wiggling in pleasure, cooing soft words, until both found their release in an outcry of joy.

Kay wiped his eyes to make them go away, but he failed. Persistently they stayed. Rubbing sand upon naked butts until it has been washed away by a warm shower they shared together before they slipped under a sheet together.

Yeah, so it must have been. It was that night when he had gathered all his clothes and was dreaming about a mutual future in Rome, projecting all his wishes to that man who was playing around with another guy.

Cursed be this day.

Sebastian awoke by the first sun rays flooding through the window. As usual he stretched out his arm to find Kay's warm body beside him. But this time the bed was empty. Blinking he wiped his eyes and sat upright. He listened to see if he could hear any sounds coming from the bathroom but everything was quiet.

Yawning, he lifted his legs out of the bed and plodded barefoot to the bathroom. It was empty. "Kay?"

He shook his head. Very unusual for the lad to be up at this early morning hour. He put on the bathrobe hanging in the wardrobe and strolled down the creaking staircase. In the kitchen he poured water into the coffee machine and entered the living room. He found Kay rolled together like a baby upon the couch. The blanket had slipped to the ground. Surprised, Sebastian saw that he was fully dressed. He squatted down and shook Kay's shoulder softly.

"Hey, sweetie. Did I snore that much?"

Kay opened his eyes instantly and looked blankly into his lover's grey-green eyes. One moment later the pain returned. He sat upright and rubbed his reddish eyes. Sebastian noticed it.

"What happened?" he asked.

Kay glared silently at him. "Why?" he asked then.

"Why what?"

"Why did you make an idiot out of me? Everybody knows it, even Daniel."

Sebastian jerked and in no time his cheeks were burning hot. Shit. Shit! How much had he heard yesterday evening? He sat dumbfounded on his heels while Kay stood up and began to pace the room. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Tell what?" It was Sebastian's weak try to play down the situation. He wanted to hear first that Kay and he would mean the same thing.

"Don't fool me. I've heard enough of your talk last night. You and Nick."

God damnit, so he understood right. Quickly Sebastian sorted every possibility to explain the situation. "About me and Nick?" he repeated. "What did you hear?"

Kay swirled around and stared reproachfully at him. "You and Nick at the beach. Consolation, eh? Because he was soooo alone in that shit Berlin. And Marcus was so daft to fuck with a man to get what he wanted. So you had to play the good Samaritan, yes? Jesus Christ."

Sebastian stood slowly and didn't know what to say.

"I've trusted you. I... The idea that you and Nick could... it never entered my mind. Tell me, how could I be so stupid! You both are marvellous actors. You deserve an Oscar for this performance!" Again he wandered around the room.

The coffee machine gargled in the kitchen and Sebastian moved automatically to pour two mugs. He held it out in Kay's direction.

"Calm down, Kay. I know it was stupid. I almost had forgotten about it."

"Forgotten? So it means nothing to you, yes? Until the next time, right? Who will it be? As soon as we are back in Rome you will renew your affair with that ... Andrea again, I'm sure. And as I know you, you have somebody at every corner waiting for you. Someone you can drag into your bed and fuck the brains out of him to prove that you are the most irresistible stallion in town!"

He ignored the coffee mug but turned his back on Sebastian to stare out of the window.

Daniel appeared in the door frame. The noise had woke him up. His eyes met Sebastian's and he knew instantly what this row was about. He remembered the sound both had heard last night. Perhaps it was the closing window when Kay had been witness to their talk. Holy shit, he thought and closed his eyes briefly. Sebastian had been warned. It wasn't brilliant to hide his secret from Kay.

"Kay." Sebastian began.

"No. I don't want to hear your excuses. And I never had thought it from Nick. I never thought that this shy guy would do it. I'm sure you used all your seducing skills to drag him into bed. Oh, no! It was the beach! I wish your cock had been frozen off!"

Daniel couldn't help but grin. Actually it wasn't a bad idea to have a lover who could make such a big scene about him. Oh well, when he was serious for himself he would be happy to have such a hot-blooded lover giving him a dressing down in that way. It also was a sign of love, wasn't it.

He looked at Sebastian who stood there with his coffee mug in his hand not knowing what to say. Daniel shook his head and cleared his throat.

"Think I should make us some breakfast, what do you think guys?"

Nobody answered him, so he vanished into the kitchen.

"Jesus, Kay. What do you want me to say? I'm sorry about it. It was only one night! One night and you flip out like a mad dog."

Kay turned, furious. "So you wouldn't mind if I would do the same, yes? Ok. You go back to Rome and do what you like." As soon as the words had slipped out Kay wished he could stuff them back into his mouth. But said was said. He had no intention to go on as if nothing had happened. He couldn't just step into Sebastian's car and drive home. Home! The picture of the pretty ocre colored house with the red roof appeared. The juniper and pine trees, the cypresses and the dark blue Roman sky. He was about to give it up. Wasn't he?

"Have you lost your mind?" Sebastian was dismayed. "You can't give up everything. Think about it when you are calmer. You'll see it's not half as bad as you think now." His voice was soothing but Kay wouldn't calm down.

"It isn't about this one night." Kay said more quietly. "It's about you hadn't trust enough in me to tell me. Everybody knows it. I'm sure even my brother and Ben. They all held their mouths because they backed you and don't give a toss about me and my feelings." Kay's voice was now choked with tears. He felt very alone.

Sebastian made a step in his direction but Kay stretched out his hand quickly. "No, Don't come nearer. I must think about it." He almost ran out of the room and Sebastian heard his steps upon the staircase. His head dropped. He placed the coffee mug upon the table and followed Daniel into the kitchen where he simply stood and watched his cousin pulling out butter and dry salami from the fridge. He ripped open the cellophane from a parcel with Vinschgauer bread and put them into the oven. Soon Sebastian smelled the spicy scent of the bread and his mouth watered. Despite everything his stomach was rumbling.

Daniel turned to him and tried to smile. 'I've told you before' his eyes seemed to tell him and Sebastian nodded in agreement.

"You can stay as long as you want, Bastian." Daniel said. "Give him a bit of time to digest it. He will calm down. It's just the shock."

"I can't, Danny. I must go back to Rome. The workers need me there." He pondered a while. "Well, maybe I could call and invent something. Perhaps then I could take some days off. I'll try it."

Daniel pulled out the Vinschgauer from the oven, they sat at the table and ate in silence. Sebastian would miss the taste of the food, the crispy bread tasting of anis, cumin and other spices, the delicious ham and sausage. He never had been able to find it in Rome. "I'll go out into town, Danny, buy some of this incredible bread." He said when he finished his breakfast. "Tell Kay I'll be back in an hour."

"Not sure if I can speak to him. Perhaps you should try when you return.

Sebastian nodded.

He took Daniel's bicycle and rode the serpentines down into the valley. He had not sat on a bike for ages and felt somehow like a teenager despite the gnawing pain in the pit of his stomach. Now he realized how stupid it was not to tell Kay the truth. But who could foresee that Kay would make a drama of it? Kay knew about his past and didn't object.

Sebastian turned into a tree lined street, passed an old stone gate and arrived in the center of town. Market stands were arranged in groups around St. Nicholas with fresh fruits and vegetables.

Sebastian stepped off the bicycle and carried it through the pedestrian precinct. While he stood in line in the shop, examining the salamis and hams, the breads and strudels, he pondered about the consequences. What if Kay really wouldn't go back with him? Well, that was ridiculous. He wouldn't do that, would he? Looking at his watch he got annoyed by the chattering housewives and looked out of the shop window.

Tourists passed by as usual until his eyes were struck by a male pair in the distance, watching the displays. He could only see their backs but the one guy had an amazing similarity with Andrea. Too bad he couldn't see his face, just half the profile from time to time. The guy's companion was dressed in wild leather trousers, Bavarian style, with thick socks up to the calves and an edelweiss as bottom. Sebastian grinned. Tourists! Perhaps they were looking for a matching hat with a chamois beard. He had short wheat blonde hair and a very impressive nose. A Roman nose Sebastian thought.

He would have bet his ass on it that this was Roberto, Daniel's seasons love and Andrea's best friend. But both were too far away to recognize and after all, the idea of them being here was absurd enough to dismiss it.

The woman behind the counter smiled at him and asked what she could do for him. Sebastian focused his attention on his purchases and as he left the shop the pair were gone. Well, he could catch a fleeting glimpse of the black curly hair of the other guy but nothing more. Oh well, there were plenty of guys with this colour of hair, but a certain touch of the movements, the way he walked and swayed his hips was familiar to him.

Arriving at home, Daniel was shouting from the living room "Call for you! It's your work." "My work?" Sebastian took the receiver. "Pronto?"

While he listened his facial expression was getting more and more unbelieving. "Vero? Dove? Quando?" He ruffled his hair, pacing the room. "Si, sicuramente." He nodded. "A domani, ciao."

When he had put back the receiver he stood forlorn, staring at his feet. Then he turned to his waiting cousin. "You have to leave?" Daniel asked.

"Sensational news, Danny. The excavation staff found something very important. My presence is necessary." The rest was incoherent for Daniel.

"Important?" he asked. Sebastian's look came from far away. "Yeah. They found pieces of clay and tools which could prove that Rome is much older than we all suppose right now."

"Phew." Daniel whistled through his teeth. "So you will leave instantly? Or tomorrow morning?"

"Tomorrow's too late. They will continue the digging in the morning. I'll be too late."

Daniel nodded. "But what about..."

"I'm not coming with you," Kay stood in the door frame, very pale but determined. "If I can, I'd like to stay here for a while, may I?" He looked pleading at Daniel.

"Kay!" Sebastian exclaimed. "You can't! You must come with me."

Daniel was embarrassed and left the room silently while Sebastian walked to Kay to grab his upper arms and to shake him slightly. "Give me a chance to explain it."

"What's there to explain? It's all clear to me."

"But no. Nothing is clear. You're wrong when you think that I just took the next best opportunity to jump into bed with Nick. It wasn't that simple."

Sebastian's voice was loud and scared and there was something in his eyes Kay hadn't seen before.

"Let us discuss it, will you?"

"First I must discuss it with myself." Kay freed himself from the grip. "I need time. Have to digest that every one of my so-called friends betrayed me." His voice was cool and Sebastian rolled his eyes. "Heavens, Kay. Nobody "betrayed" you. It wasn't their business to interfere..."

"So you admit that everybody knows it, yes? Even Simon?"

"He knows also about Marcus and George. It isn't a secret."

Kay's laughter was unhappy. "What a group we are!" He paused. "Give me time. I must be alone. I must be sure of my feelings. At the moment everything is empty in me."

Sebastian looked into Kay's dark eyes and his stomach cramped painfully. He never had felt such pain. "Don't say we're breaking up." He said.

But Kay was torn between the feelings of what he should believe and what not. Should he believe the protestations that he and Nick were sort of a slip or was his "think I love you" a slip?

Suddenly a shadow scurried over Sebastian's face. "All right. I won't beg you. Do what you have to do. I must go now." He passed Kay and left the room. Kay followed the broad back with his eyes. He won't beg me?

"Sebastian?" he called and heard the steps upon the staircase come to a halt. But Kay didn't know what to say and after a while the stairs creaked again.

Daniel appeared and Kay stared into his green eyes. Green like the apples from his plantation. "You can stay, Kay. As long as you want. I don't know Sebastian as well as you might know him but I'm sure you only heard a fraction of what he told me yesterday. I know he's in love with you."

"In love with me? That's not enough."

"No?" An amazed look met Kay. "I'm sure your consumption of men was likewise high, wasn't it? I have the impression you both are being paid back in your own coin."

First Kay said nothing. "But I didn't cheat on him."

"Yeah, you're a saint."

Kay shot him a sharp glance.

Sebastian rumbled down the staircase, his bag in hand. From the hall he glared waiting at Kay. Kay didn't make a move so he said to his cousin, "Thanks for all, Danny, I'll call you when I'm home." Again a look to Kay. Waiting. Ahem. "You know my phone number, Kay. I will wait for your call."

He left the castle and minutes later both heard his car driving slowly down the hill.

Daniel said nothing, he walked out and Kay followed him automatically to his little garden where Kay was in Daniel's way. After a long while he said "You don't mind if I stay here?"

"If I would be Sebastian I would have packed you into my bag and carried you home." He rose from the patch with tomatoes. "You both are an odd pair, let me tell you this." He sighed. "It sure was a stupid coincidence that you listened to something you shouldn't. Of course it was Bastian's fault not to tell you earlier, but it's happened now. Why do you act sulking in a corner somewhere. If you like Sebastian then go to him." He bent down again and plucked some weeds. "I wouldn't waste a minute. It's a crime to destroy what you have."

"Hah, I'm not here to hear your reproaches. Just leave me alone. I must think about it." Kay turned and ran up the stairs. In the room he shared with Sebastian he threw himself upon the bed and stared at the ceiling.

A nagging voice was whispering in his ear that he would behave like a fool. On the other hand, Sebastian didn't do much to persuade him to come home.

Nicholas' face appeared. Well, there had been a time he fancied him but when Sebastian had stepped into his life, he had forgotten about Nicholas instantly. But that both - Bastian and Nick - would do it ... this had been out of the question for Kay.

Just for some days I'll stay here, he calmed his conscience. Put him on the rack, yeah. Kay almost smiled.