A Promise and a Curse - 9. Chapter 9

Ben wondered about the amazing amount of books in Simon's flat. Have I brought them all? Apparently yes. When he had met Simon there wasn't a book here except gay magazines and porn stuff.

Ben was on cloud nine because Simon had allowed him to carry all his clothes to Kay's old flat. He never thought it would be that easy to convince Simon that it would be better if they could live together, now that he was in need of care and help. Perhaps it was because of Simon's weak condition that he had changed his mind. Well in the last weeks he had recovered very fast and Ben got the instructions to keep him off of alcohol and drugs. He was determined to do so. Next week Simon would be released but only because there was somebody at home to look after him.

As he rummaged between the shirts and underwear, his fingers touched a thick envelope. He pulled it out and opened it. Amazed, he fell on his backside. He saw black and white photos of naked men in indubitable positions. To be more explicit - in fucking positions. And one of them was Simon. There were several shots, all from the same direction, apparently made my by a mounted, steady, camera. The men were different, all ages but mostly elder ones. It was disgusting for Ben.

As quickly as he was able, he stuffed them back into the envelope and sat there pondering. What was the meaning of all this? Why had Simon taken photos of those men and himself? Apparently it was a different flat than those here. And why had he hid them between his shirts and underwear?

A bit lame, he put the rest of the clothes into suitcases and backpacks and carried them to the car. He would have to ask Simon about that. Once he arrive at Kay's flat he left the stuff in the hall and drove to the hospital. Frank was walking, bored, along the corridor when Ben entered the station. He looked much better, his face was getting back to the usual tone and had lost the yellowish colour. Ben tapped on his shoulder and Frank turned. "What're you doing here?"

"Doc sent me outside, he wanted a private talk with Simon. He'll be released next week."

"I know." Ben beamed. "What are you reading? He referred to a letter Frank crumpled between his fingers.

"Letter from school. Got an invitation for a hearing with the teaching staff. Apparently they want to dismiss me."

"For the hitting, yes?" Ben couldn't exactly find any pity for him. "Well, it was your fault.

Frank said nothing, just stared sinisterly. "Didn't you actually want me to help?"

"Help you? You mean go to the teachers and tell them about the reasons for the fight, yes? Well actually I should do it. But then, what good would it do for me?"

Frank turned completely to him. "Ben, I know I behaved like shit to you. It's ... you turned me on that much."

"Ahh! I turned you on that much." A brief red flush scurried over Ben's face.

"And now? You know I can't forgive you what you did to Nick. You also were so hot for him that you had to injure him that badly, right?"

"I'm sorry for that."

"So? You're sorry for this! I think Nick never heard you say you're sorry."

"What shall I do?"

Ben sniffed air through his nose but remained silent.

"I mean, Walt is really a piece of shit." Frank continued. "The past is the past but now we have a possibility to throw him out of the academy. He never belonged there, he's a dumb head in painting. And I know who's backing him."

"So? You know? Who is it?"

Frank shook his head. "Won't tell you. Not yet."

"Maybe you both will get the sack."

The door opened and Doctor Hardenberg came out. He smiled at Ben and took him by the elbow. He nodded excusingly to Frank, who disappeared in the direction of the toilets. "Next week we will release him, Ben. I rely on you. You said you would share a flat, is it still ok?"

Ben nodded. "I just gathered his stuff and brought it to the new flat."

"Good. Whenever you need help, call me. Here's my number." He fished out a card and handed it to Ben. Ben wondered why he did it as if he wouldn't have other important things to do. Hardenberg smiled, "I have a gay son too." He took Ben's upper arms and squeezed them lightly. Then he was gone.

Ben stared at the card and put it into his shirt pocket and took a deep breath. He didn't know exactly what to do now. Should he tell Simon about the discovery? Or later? Or never? He decided to put it off until later and opened the door to Simon's room. Simon sat in a chair beside the window and stared out of it. He didn't turn his head when he heard the door opening, just when he felt Ben's hand taking his own he looked up and smiled. "Hi, Ben. You're looking good." He pulled him nearer to a second chair where the doctor had apparently been sitting and kissed him quickly.

"All ready for our move?"

Ben nodded. "Already in Kay's flat. It's great there, don't you think?"

"Yeah, great there, above all the view from the windows." He seemed to be depressed and Ben was alarmed. "What is it? Hardenberg said next week I can pick you up."

"True, it isn't that."

"I met Frank, he got the day for his hearing."

"You still want to speak for him? For that moron?"

"Don't know, Simon. What shall I do, tell me."

"Actually I don't care. Do what you think is right."

Ben sighed. He didn't like it when Simon was so indifferent. He would prefer to see when Simon would be angry or fuming but this apathy frightened him. Well, perhaps he was just bored.

"Tell you what, as soon as you're out of here we will take a few days off, yes? I mean, I will take a few days off. We can drive somewhere, no matter where. We had so little time together."

Simon's eyes lit up. "Really? But what about my medication?"

"You can take the pills wherever you are and after that you can go back to hospital for your usual tests. Say yes."

"Sure I say yes." The prospect of being freed from Frank's presence was nice enough but if would be even nicer to have a few days with Ben alone. Despite everything his hormones were in a turmoil and the jacking off sessions under the hospital shower didn't lessen the urge. He grinned impishly and brought his lips nearer to Ben's. Ben saw the two deep dimples on his cheeks and his heart melted. He pressed his lips to Simon's, pulling him closer and exploring his back. He was about to pull Simon's shirt out of his trousers when they heard the door open and parted quickly, breathing heavily. Frank grinned shamelessly.

"I hope I interrupted something."

"Shut up, you sure did."

"Heard you will leave me next week," Frank continued. "What are you up for then?"

"Why does it bother you? Envious?"

"Yeah sure! As soon as I'm out of here I'll have the longest fuck of my entire life."

"Hope you don't forget something."

First Frank looked blankly then he burst out into an unhappy laughter. "No, for God's sake. That was a lesson I'll never forget."

"Well, so it had something useful in the end." Simon said dryly.

"Yeah, you were lucky, Frank. Your second AIDS test came out negative too, right?"

"Right," Frank sighed. Yes he was negative but he had nobody to go to after his release. He looked to Simon who was captured by Ben's face and was playing with this long black ponytail. Perhaps a short life filled with love was better than a long life without? He shook off that all too romantic thought instantly. Shit it was. Better a life full of fucks, the more the better. Love vanished, but passion stayed.

* * *

It was now five days since Sebastian's leaving and Kay felt more and more lonely. But the more time passed the more he couldn't get rid of his sulking feelings and Daniel didn't do much to help him. He seemed to be pleased with his company but whenever he wanted to speak about Sebastian, Daniel blocked the talk. His sole answer was 'go to him if you like him that much,' and Kay's response was 'I don't know if I like him that much.'

Daniel sighed once more and turned to the fresco painting he was about to restore. He couldn't bear it anymore. Had the world ever seen such a pair of idiots? He knew from his cousin the story of Marcus and Nick, how long they were sulking with each other, unable to make the first step. Men and their hurt pride! Jesus Christ. He sure belonged to that part of humankind but if he had a lover like Kay he would throw all his so-called pride overboard. What's the use of it? In the end they would reconcile again and all the time was wasted. He couldn't believe that Kay and Sebastian were making the same mistake. He was more surprised when Kay came up to the room where he worked and said quietly, "I've tried to call Bastian."

Daniel's head flung around. "And?"

"He isn't there."

Daniel looked at his watch, it was half past 8 in the evening. He wouldn't be at work until this time. He sighed. "Perhaps he's out for dinner. Try once more later." He smiled at him. "But good you decided to call him finally. Have you made up our mind?"

"Don't know yet. I wanted to hear his voice." He looked down. "Probably he's mad at me because I never called."

Daniel stepped from the ladder. "I'm sure he isn't mad ad you, Kay."

"Then why didn't he ever call?"

"Well, he called ME."

"That's it. But never asked if he could speak to me."

"True. It's up to you."

"But he was the one who fucked around!" Daniel sighed. "Kay, how childish of you. Madonna, why can't you guys ever be reasonable. You behave like children in kindergarten!"

"Oh thanks a lot!" He turned and rumbled down the staircase. Daniel heard a door squeaking on its hinges and knew Kay entered the little chapel. In the passing days he had developed quite an affection for the chapel and its interior.

Daniel followed him. Kay was nothing more than a silhouette in the dark room. He stood in front of the pictures of saints set into the wainscots. Daniel sat on a hard stool and watched him. "You know that I'm right" he said softly.

"Yeah."

Kay was wiping his face. "When I'm not able to get him on the phone, would you call for me at his work place tomorrow?"

"Of course I'll do so. It must have an end. I mean, I'm really glad that you're with me. It's a long time ago I had such pleasant company, you know."

Kay turned his head curiously. "Long time ago, yes? How long?"

"Well, about five months."

"Isn't that long." He came closer. "You gave up the altar?" He pointed to the empty space where the altar once belonged.

"What shall I do? I'm not Perry Mason."

Kay grinned and Daniel looked at his watch. "Do you want to come up with me? I'll have to do some more and then we call it a day."

Kay nodded. The citizens of Meran went to sleep early, as he had learned, and were up at the crack of dawn. "You know, I really loved the altar. It was in family possession for so many, many years. Well that's not the only reason. It was a master piece. I adore Pacher so much. It was my biggest treasure, you understand?"

Kay nodded again, furtively took Daniel's hand and squeezed it. "I really would like to help you but I don't know how. If I knew who it was I would sentence him to pluck the apples from the plantation trees one by one. Would take him ages!"

Daniel started to laugh. Back in the large room which covered the whole upper floor, Daniel climbed up the ladder. Kay watched the coloured freschi along the walls. Daniel had explained to him that they would portray the three most pious emperors, the three biggest heroes, the three most glorious pairs of lovers and the three most mighty dwarfs and giants. Nobody knew exactly who they are but some of them Daniel had sorted out for himself.

"Can you give me the paper please?" Daniel asked.

"Paper?" He found some very thin sheets of paper laying on the table and reached them up.

"What is it?"

"Japanese paper." Daniel held the paper against the wall and wiped a sponge over it. The more he wiped the clearer the colours were getting and Kay discovered behind all the dirt and soot the reddish blond curls of a young, strong man swinging a sword. Amazed he called "How did you do it?"

"The sponge is soaked in ammonium fluid. It would be too sharp to put it on the freschi so we use the Japanese paper, it's thin enough to let the fluid through."

He examined his work. He had the idea that one of the biggest heroes could only be Siegfried from the old Nordic legend. Surely that greenish mess at his feet had to be the dragon he had killed. He held another paper against the wall and wiped over it to clean Siegfried's face. The paintings were a bit disproportionate and daft in the facial expression but that was the usual style almost 700 years ago. The thought struck him once more. 700 years! It was unbelievable.

"Do you like a glass of wine?" he heard Kay asking and he nodded.

"Yeah, it's dry and dusty in here."

Kay returned soon with a bottle and two glasses, opened it and filled him a glass. He reached up and Daniel took it. "Now, how do you like young Siegfried, the dragon killer?"

"Well, does he have his trousers on? Hey, what about you clear away the trousers and guide the people here. That would be a nice surprise." Daniel laughed. "Do you think the painter painted first his dick and then his trousers? Or do you want me to paint him a new one?"

"Sure. Can you paint?"

Daniel nodded. He wiped his soiled fingers on a cloth and took a sip of his wine. He focused his gaze at the wall painting and the small part he had just cleaned. It stood out against the other dusty parts.

"It's really amazing." he heard Kay's voice again.

"Isn't it?" Daniel looked down. Kay had a taste of his wine and clicked his tongue. "Yummy," he said and stepped closer to the wall.

"It's a hard job." He said. "Do you want to do this all alone? It'll take you ages.

"Apparently. Well, perhaps I can find someone from the museum's staff. After all this is very precious here." Kay nodded. "Perhaps I can help you? It doesn't look that difficult."

"You? I thought you'll go back to Rome as soon as you can."

"You want to get rid of me?" Kay grinned. "That soon?"

Daniel reciprocated his smile. Indeed he would be sad if Kay left so soon. Besides his foolishness in a certain direction he was a funny lad and easy to talk to.

"Actually not, Kay. You haven't found a good gay bar for me yet." He winked and smiled once more and this time Kay felt a punch in his stomach. Again it was Sebastian's kind of smile. He watched Daniel climbing down the ladder.

Suddenly Kay sensed Daniel's body close behind him and began to sweat. He turned and gazed into Daniel's serious bright green eyes. Yeah, Sebastian's ravishing smile. "Why do you need a gay bar?" he croaked. Following an instinct he put down his glass and ran all ten fingers through Daniel's thick, short, auburn hair. He wiped the strands from his forehead until his fingers met each other in the nape of his neck. Daniel began to smile once more, haltingly though but it was enough for Kay. He couldn't resist those pale, full lips who tasted of that fruity, fresh wine so that he let out a purring when they met. He felt Daniel's strong hands around his waist pulling him close until their bodies connected, felt him stroking his buttocks and he opened his mouth wide to welcome Daniel's hot tongue until both gasped for a breath of air.

There was a little stifled voice in the back of Kay's mind, trying to keep him from going further. It had scaring similarity with Sebastian's voice, saying "think I love you" and Kay struggled to get free from Daniel's closeness. But the older man's lips were following him, eyes closed, a bit out of control, hands groping for him, pulling him to his chest until Kay gave up the fight. Sebastian was gone and his love declaration turned to be a lie. He fucked Nick - how could he love him then?

Kay couldn't say what happened to him but suddenly both found themselves amidst a pile of blankets and clothes on the floor where he frantically tried to peel off Daniel's clothes. He pushed his old pullover over his head, revealing the strong chest and broad shoulders and ran his fingers over the soft down. He almost sobbed, Sebastian felt the same. So warm and soft ... he never stopped until Daniel lay naked beside him, his skin a soft glow, strong legs spread apart, his penis hard and glistening with droplets. Kay's lips went closer, touched the thick shaft, memorized Sebastian's smell, taste and size and found it different and similar at the same time.

A deep moan came from Daniel's throat. "Not here," he managed to croak. He pushed away Kay's demanding hands, his licking tongue, lifted his upper body and stared into Kay's face. Kay's dark eyes were shaded with lust. Daniel rose and took Kay with him. "Not here," he repeated. He went with him downstairs into his bedroom where he silently pushed Kay softly upon the bed. He knew he wouldn't be able to hold on for long, it was too long since he had shared the bed with another man and Kay didn't do much to cease his arousal. On the contrary - before Daniel could stop it, Kay had him over the edge, spraying his liquid all over his belly.

A muffled cry caused Kay to giggle and Daniel joined his cheerful laughter. One second later he had his mouth again around his softening cock, bringing it in no time to its second erection.

"Won't let you out of bed before I have this inside me," Kay mumbled indistinctly, his tongue working Daniel's penis up and down and Daniel couldn't help but laugh. He squirmed upon the bed and heard Kay whispering, "Do you have a condom?" Daniel blinked and shook his head. All of a sudden he was sober. "Do we need one?"

Kay closed his eyes briefly. He knew Sebastian had several AIDS tests, likewise he himself, so there was no danger. But what did he know about Daniel? He crawled upon Daniel's body and straddled his waist. Daniel's penis filled his crack and Kay shivered. "Are you clean?" he asked.

"I never had a test." Daniel replied quietly. Kay was disappointed.

"I want you so badly," he whispered.

"You have me." Daniel whispered back. "There are other ways to make love." He stroked Kay's thighs until he finally wrapped his fist around Kay's hard, stiff penis. Kay closed his eyes again and tried not to think about Sebastian. He slid from Daniel's lap, stretched out between the covers and visualized Daniel's body, his caressing hands, the chest rubbing against his own, the tongue between his legs, searching on, finding his orifice until Kay was one shivering bundle of lust and happiness.

Daniel enjoyed the sweet strong taste of Kay, the lithe, smooth body beside him, upon and under him, driving them to several mutual climaxes. They fell asleep in the middle of their love play, awoke again, began another play until Daniel saw the light from a little lamp mirrored in a wet trace on Kay's cheek. Kay had his eyes closed and smiled.

Daniel watched the face beside his own upon the pillow and asked himself what on earth prompted Sebastian to forget his lover, to cheat on him with Nick.

"Kay?" he asked low.

Kay opened his eyes, again shaded but this time for sleepiness.

"Do you love Bastian?"

Kay's smile died. After a long time he said "Of course I do."

Daniel nodded. "So there's no need for me to buy condoms tomorrow, is there?"

Kay arched an eyebrow and sighed.

"Will you forgive him?" Daniel pulled him to his chest. "You're quits now."

Kay stirred. "So you think I did it for revenge?" He peered into Daniel's face. "To feel desirable?"

Daniel shook his head. "I know you think about Bastian." His voice was a bit rough. "You didn't mean ME but him." He looked into Kay's eyes. It's ok with me. We both need it." He smiled and Kay gave in. He cuddled close to him and wrapped his leg around Daniel's waist. "You're a great man." he mumbled after a while. And now I know how things can happen, he added to himself before he fell asleep.

Daniel was up a long time when Kay opened his eyes. He smelled Daniel's scent upon the pillow they had shared. His first thought was that he felt good, the second that he felt bad for Daniel. He jumped out of bed, searched for his clothes but couldn't find them, then he remembered both left them in the big room upstairs. A few minutes later he appeared in the kitchen and smelled fresh brewed coffee. Daniel was standing at the tiny window and was drinking his coffee. He put his arms around his naked waist and whispered "Good morning."

Daniel put the mug aside and turned. "Slept well?" He grinned. "You forgot to call Sebastian last night."

"Oh damn. Yes." Kay grinned too. He was relieved that Daniel took it so easy. He got a kiss on his nose and a slap on his jeans covered butt. "Now go for a shower, I'll call Bastian's work meanwhile. Hurry up."

Daniel watched Kay vanishing and took the receiver. But the answer he got wasn't exactly encouraging. Kay saw it when he returned. "Bad news?" he asked.

"Bastian is gone to Volterra. There's a big museum for Etruscan art, he hopes to find there a solution to the things they found up the Palatine Hill in Rome."

"Volterra? A town?"

"Yes. Ever been there?"

Kay shook his head. He hadn't heard that name before. "So I can't reach him, right? Shit!"

"Yeah. You should buy him a mobile phone for Christmas."

Kay snorted. "Brilliant idea. Now, what are we doing?"

"Well you can help me if you still want to."

* * *

"Oh for heaven's sake." Nicholas mumbled to himself. He had almost finished with the painting of Elli Schneider. It was the last session and tomorrow Marcus and he were up to fly to London for the auction. Again Elli wanted to see the progress of her picture and had stepped behind him. He held his breath because her perfume was stabbing his nose again.

"Very good, Nicki," he heard her coo. You know, I thought about a different thing. A feather light touch on his hair. "You know it's my husband's birthday soon. This painting is, of course, made for him but ... " again a touch , this time on his neck. All his hairs stood on end as she bent down to his ear and blew into it. "I have a special kind of painting in my mind."

When she stepped from behind him she was naked. She had left her green neglige and stood there in all her proud glory. Nicholas slipped the paint brush in the box and breathed in sharply. "What ... what do you mean exactly?" He couldn't look at her so he focused his gaze upon the finished painting and blushed furiously.

"This I mean. Look at me," she demanded. Nicholas closed the box with his paints very slowly before he looked at her again. Into her face, not below.

"Do you think it's worth being painted?" She asked and smiled her best smile.

"Well ... "He cleared his throat. "Perhaps, perhaps it would be better to find another painter then?" he said low.

"Why? You're good enough."

Jesus Christ! Nick's thoughts were racing. "I ... I haven't got time anymore, you know tomorrow Marcus and I are going to London, so ..."

"It doesn't matter, I have time." She sat back into her armchair and exposed her teeth. I'll give you double payment. What do you think?" Nicks face was blank. And so was his mind. He was sure that old Elli had something different in mind for payment.

"I'm sure you already guesses that this painting is not for my husband. After all he sees me every day but there's somebody who would appreciate it."

"Aha. And who is it?"

"Ah, Nicki, you're a nosey little rascal. Guess who it is?" Nicholas was annoyed and was getting angry. What's this quiz about? "You know, Mrs. Schneider ... "

"Call me Elli, please. A model and its painter should be very familiar with each other, especially when it comes to nudes, don't you think? Or don't you like what you see."

"Well, actually no." He pulled himself together. Idiotic, he chided himself. "You know, it's none of my interest who the lucky boy is whom you will delight with this painting. I'm not the right man for it." He rose from his chair. Elli looked very dismayed and a bit astonished.

"But Nicki, think about all that money. I'm sure you're in need of it. You can't always be kept by Marcus."

"It's none of your business... Elli. I have to go now. I'm sorry for the inconvenience." He hesitated one moment. "When can I expect the cheque?"

"In three days." Her voice was very cool. "Hopefully you won't regret it. Darling."

Nicholas stormed up the staircase to find Marcus in a muddle of clothes. They lay sprawled upon the bed and he stumbled over shoes.

"Are we going on a world tour?" he asked amazed. Marcus appeared from under the bed, he looked a bit dishevelled and grinned. "You never know, angel." He saw Nicholas' flushed face, rose and put the pair of socks that had rolled under the bed with the others. "Something wrong with you?"

"Yeah." Nicholas plopped upon the bed between shirts and underwear. "This Elli is getting on my nerves. Really."

"Oh, I thought this was your last session. What's happened with her?"

"She wants me to paint her nude."

Marcus snorted. "What does she want?" He stopped himself and grabbed Nicholas from behind. "Told you she has the hots for you" he whispered into his ear and Nicholas giggled. "She tried to seduce you?" Marcus asked.

"Not sure. Guess so." He fell onto his back and stretched out his arms. "Tomorrow this time we're in London. Exciting."

Marcus kissed his forehead. "I bought something for your ears." He gave him a pair of ear plugs. "From the pharmacy. They say it's new and should help the ear pains." Nicholas too it and examined them. "Thanks. How nice ou thought about it."

"You're welcome. Um, I have a bit of bad news though. Bastian called."

"And?" Nicholas rose again and looked over his shoulder. "Is he ill?"

"No. Kay heard something he shouldn't have heard."

Something dawned within Nicholas. "He found out about ... " Marcus nodded.

"Holy shit! How?"

"Listened to a talk between Bastian and Daniel about you and him." Nicholas rolled his eyes. "Great. He must hate me now."

Marcus went around the bed and squatted in front of Nick. He took his hands, "I'm sure he doesn't hate you, angel. He will survive. Although he refused to go with Bastian back home. He's still with Daniel."

Nicholas moaned. "Even greater. Shit." He put his arms around Marcus' neck and held him tight. "And Sebastian? He went home without Kay?"

Marcus shrugged his shoulders. "He had to go to work, they found important things during their excavations. He couldn't stay."

Nicholas looked into his eyes again. "So they are going to make the same mistake we did, yes? Sulking until it's too late."

"It wasn't too late for us. I have hopes." He smiled encouragingly. "Now, look at the mess here. Say what you'll take with you and I will throw it into the suitcases."

"Throw, yes." Nicholas laughed. "You're so impractical! Who packed your bags, Anna?" Marcus grinned and watched Nicholas quickly sorting out his clothes and folding them neatly into the suitcase.

"Elli offered me a lot of money if I would painted her." A long glance over his shoulder. "Nude."

Marcus whistled. "And?"

"Afraid I can't paint with my eyes closed."

Marcus laughed. "Is it so bad?"

"She said I can't be kept by you until eternity."

"So she said? And what do you think about it?"

"Well, somehow she's right."

"Nicki," Marcus stopped his searching hands by taking them again. "What's mine is yours. You have your own account and a card. Do with it whatever you like."

"Can I throw it out the window, too?"

"If you want to ... So if you want to earn your own money you'll have to paint her. Think about it while we're in London."

"I refused somehow and she said hopefully I wouldn't regret it. What could she mean?"

Marcus shrugged again. "She's harmless. Perhaps she wants to cure you from your gayness." He smiled and gave him a kiss. "Hope she won't succeed."

* * *

Sebastian went briskly through the Museo Guarnacci. It was one of the largest museums for Etruscan arts in Italy.

He passed the characteristic funeral urns, bronze tools and mosaics. Since the clays and votive gifts of necropolis they had found belonged to a period two hundred years before Rome was founded, he pondered about the era they could belong to and came to the conclusion it could only be the Villanova-time. The people of the Villanova era were assimilated by the Etruscan tribe.

He stopped in front of a big glass showcase which hid the figure of the so-called "Ombra della sera: the Evening Shadow. A bronze stele of a young male with overly long limbs, with clearly worked hair, face and genitals. Perhaps a soul figure put into a grave as a gift.

"Ombra della sera" he whispered low. Long and small as the light in the evening. After a while he loosened his gaze and went on. He needed fresh air so he went up to the second floor, crossed the rooms again and opened the door to a terrace. He went over to its railing and looked out over the land.

Tuscany land. Soft hills of all colours of green, little silver patches of olive groves and up near the site, pretty houses with red roofing tiles. Suddenly he felt free and breathed deeply in to the spicy air. He always felt free when he overlooked the wide Italian landscape. Gray white clouds billowed in the distance and a wind was tugging at his hair.

"Volaterrae - the earth is flying ... " again he whispered to himself. This was a good and very fitting name for this town high above the ground.

"I haven't seen you in a long time, Sebastiano." Sebastian jumped as he heard the deep, a bit tired, voice. He looked into the strained face of Emilio, the director of the museum, instantly smiled at him and took his had to squeeze it. Oh man, I'm so happy to see you."

Emilio's laughing eyes lay in deep wrinkles, his black hair had distinct strands of white. He must be in his late 50's now Sebastian thought.

"How's our wife?" he asked.

"Fine, thank you." The deep brown eyes examined his opposite. "What brings you to us? Business?"

"Yes."

Emilio nodded. Feel invited for dinner. Carmela will be pleased to see you again. We can talk about your business then, d'accordo?"

"Si." Sebastian smiled and Emilio took his arm. "It's closing time soon. You came alone?"

Sebastian nodded and Emilio gave him a surprised look. "Are you ill?" He winked and Sebastian grinned. "No, no. Just a bit alone at the moment."

Emilio raised his brows but said nothing.

"Bucchero-pottery, eh? Well, we have some of this as you know, but do you really think the Sammiter was housed upon the Palatine in Rome? I thought they were more in the south." Emilio blew blue-grey smoke of his cigar into the bar room. It was loud in it but Sebastian didn't mind. After the dinner both had preferred to talk in private and Emilio had taken him to his favorite haunt.

"Yeah, but what if we made the sensational discovery that they did settle in the area of later Rome? And remember the scientists still don't know exactly how the black ceramic was produced. Did they use coal, ash or plant fibres or manganese ore?" Sebastian had settled down for beer and grappa. He wiped a wet strand of hair off his forehead.

"The burning procedure, Sebastian. Throttled supply of oxygen. This would explain the red spots upon the ceramic."

Sebastian sighed and poured another grappa from the bottle he had ordered for precaution. For heaven's sake he didn't want to discuss fibres of plants and oxygen supply. Wherever he went, Kay's face followed him. He had no clue why Kay never called, likewise he had no idea why he himself never asked Daniel about Kay and how he's doing You're such a shit head he cursed himself.

He noticed that he missed what Emilio said and pulled himself together.

"Are you in trouble amico?" Damn, Emilio's sharp eyes missed nothing. Sebastian waved off and drank another grappa. Emilio stopped him and shook his head. "If I see it right you're lovesick, caro." He placed his face hear Sebastian's ear. "Could it be? The irresistible Sebastian von Scheffel and lovesick?"

"How do you know I'm irresistible, eh?"

"Well ... " Emilio's look was evasive. "Last time you were here Leandro was speaking of nothing but you. Sebastiano here and Sebastiano there." He flung his arms into the air and Sebastian had to grin.

"Yeah, Leandro." He remembered Emilio's nephew who was a bit younger than he himself. A very bright and calm man but he lacked the cheekiness and carefree behaviour Sebastian loved about Kay. Leandro was much too serious for his taste but he liked him quite well when he had met him last year.

"How is he?" he asked.

"Alone." Emilio's eyes were lurking. Sebastian took another grappa and wiped over his mouth. He would end up plastered somewhere on the streets when he wouldn't stop drinking this damned shit. "Alone," he repeated. Too bad for him."

"And the ... young boy you were with last year? What's with him?"

"Andrea? Crossed him off the agenda." His head hung. "I messed up a relationship with another man. That's all. But that's not the reason I'm here."

His tongue was a bit heavy now. "Cameriere," he called to the waiter, "un sigaretta per favore." He got and lit it. Instantly his head began to spin but he didn't care. He clung to his beer glass.

"What did you do to him?" he heard Emilio's voice from a distance.

"Went to bed with another lad and he found out now."

"Oh." Emilio raised his brows. "A good reason to drink. What's his name?"

"Kay." Sebastian's eyes were burning from the smoke. He inhaled and began to cough. "He's cross with me."

"Naturalmente. You think it's bad?"

Sebastian nodded. "Should call him, but perhaps he won't speak to me." Emilio grinned a half grin. "Ma, when you never call him you'll never find out. Non 'e vero?"

"Vero." Sebastian emptied the grappa bottle. His movements were a bit insecure and his eyes glazed. Emilio decided it would be better to put him into bed.

He put some Lire upon the table and heaved Sebastian's limp body from the chair. "I'll take you with me before you get lost and fall over the railings." Sebastian followed him meekly.

* * *

The world was out of focus and light penetrated his eyelids. A pulled curtain, a crucifix over the door and a heavy blanket over his body. His groping hands searched for his watch. It lay upon the night stand. Moaning, Sebastian opened his eyes and deciphered the time. It was shortly before 11 a.m. His head felt thick and numb and he was terribly thirsty.

Carefully he rose, noticed he was naked except his underwear and stumbled out of the door in search of the bathroom. This wasn't his hotel room he recognized so he stood undecided in the corridor when another door opened.

Sebastian wiped his eyes and focused his gaze on a young man with brown hair that fell onto his forehead, almost into his eyes. Brown with golden spots ... he remembered instantly. Leandro. Eyes like a bog, deep and greenish brown. The lips smiled.

"Sebastiano! Uncle Emilio told me that you're here again." He stopped when he saw Sebastian swaying slightly. "You feel bad?" He grinned. His uncle had told him that Sebastian drank too much yesterday evening so he guided him to the bathroom.

Moaning, Sebastian closed the door behind him and sat upon the toilet lid. Jesus Christ, when was the last time he had felt this bad? With trembling hands he turned on the water and drank from his hollowed hand. He couldn't stop drinking so he ripped down his underwear and stepped into the tub where he turned on the shower.

The water was ice cold and he gasped. But after a while his head was getting clear again. Leandro. He tried to remember what Emilio said last night. He was constantly speaking of me? Couldn't forget me? He looked for a towel and took the next best. Then he examined his stubbled face in the mirror and his tired eyes. Not exactly the best condition to show up in front of Leandro. Oh well.

With the towel around his waist he opened the door again and bumped into the waiting Leandro. He had folded his arms in front of his chest and was apparently waiting for him.

"Bon giorno. Feeling better now?"

Sebastian grinned, embarrassed and tried to vanish into the room again but Leandro followed. "You slept in my bed." he said.

"Oh." Sebastian turned. He had forgotten his underwear in the bathroom and stepped now from one foot to the other. "Um, you know, I'm sorry for this." Then he rushed out of the room and shut the bathroom door behind him. There he quickly put on his briefs and felt like an idiot. Leandro was still waiting in his room. "We didn't see you for so long. But I thought about you very often," Leandro said softly. He examined Sebastian's underwear and a small smile twisted his lips. Sebastian dressed as fast as he could. He felt uneasy under Leandro's staring looks.

"So?" he managed to say. "Where's your aunt? And what are you doing here? I thought you would be at work already."

"It's Saturday."

"Oh." Sebastian nodded.

"What have you planned for today? We could make a trip." Leandro suggested.

"Well." He had an idea. "We could go to the archaeological area if you don't mind."

Leandro beamed. "Yeah, sure. Now come, you must be hungry."

Actually Sebastian wasn't but he wouldn't refuse a strong coffee.

"Have you heard about a Pacher altar?" Sebastian knelt in the grass and dug a bit in the heavy sand.

"A Pacher altar? What have you to do with that?"

"I thought you probably had heard. Could have been." He looked at Leandro who knelt beside him. "My cousin is missing one," Sebastian related.

"Your cousin has a Pacher altar? Why isn't it in a museum? I thought everything of his would be in a museum."

Sebastian sighed. He didn't know why he asked, perhaps just to say something.

He felt the young man's quizzical eyes. He had to call Kay as soon as possible. He couldn't stand those eyes. Leandro was a lovely man but this was too ... what was it? Sebastian stood up and looked over the area. The archaeologists had found here all the box shaped urns, bronze buckets with claw feet, coins, jugs and even the "Ombra della Sera" but apparently there was nothing for him that could help him further.

"What are you actually looking for?"

"For something from the Villanova people."

"So? Wy didn't you say so earlier? Didn't uncle Emilio say that we have got some new pieces we haven't examined yet? Perhaps that's what you're looking for?" He took Sebastians hand and walked with him through the small paths leading into the town. Sebastian felt awkward to go hand in hand with the young man but he didn't pull his hand away. At those midday time there wasn't any people on the streets and the few tourists didn't notice.

Leandro opened the door to the examination room and lifted a cloth from a table. Sebastian saw a Kyathos, a draw mug with carved animal motifs amongst others. It had a shiny metal surface, almost black, but it was clay. "Bucchero pottery", Sebastian muttered.

"Yeah, but look here." Leandro's finger pointed to an inscription.

"Mini muluvanike venel vhlakunaie" Sebastian read out loud. "What's that?"

"We don't know yet. You know it's difficult to decipher the Etruscan language but this doesn't sound like that. We're working at it."

Sebastian carefully turned the mug in his hands. Too bad he couldn't take it with him right now and one of the pieces of clay they found in Rome he had left in his hotel room. "Can I come back Monday to do some examinations, please?" He looked at Leandro. "I have a piece of clay in my hotel room we found at the Palatine Hill in Rome. I'd like to match it with these here."

Leandro nodded. "No problem, but why don't you pick it up now. The museum is closed over noon. We have time."

Sebastian nodded slowly. Actually not a bad idea. "Wait for me?"

"Sure."

Back in his hotel room he dialed Daniel's number. He waited a long time before he heard his cousin's voice.

"Danny? It's me."

"Bastian! Great that you call, I had your working place on the phone, telling me that you're in Volterra. Kay wanted to speak to you."

"Yes?" Sebastian beamed. "Can you get him to the phone?"

"Can't, dear. He's sleeping. Caught a bad cold. I had to call the doctor, it began out of the blue, you know.

"Oh shit, is it bad?"

"Yeah, tonsillitis. But I'll tell him you called."

"Too bad. I wanted to ask him if he'd come to me. If he wants to that is. How is he? Still cross with me?"

"Well ... " Daniel didn't know what to say. "I don't think so. He recovered you know." Daniel's heart pounded painfully and the implications of what they did two days ago hit him like a punching bag. It had been most selfish of him to allow Kay and himself to share the night. But for heaven's sake you're all one company of sluttish, selfish men.

"Danny? Are you ok?"

"Yeah, I'm ok if you're talking about my state of health."

Sebastian wondered about the remark. "Well, when he's awake, tell him I miss him. Perhaps I will be able to solve the riddle of the Palatine."

"Good to hear, keep me informed, yes?"

"Could be that I'll pick Kay up when I'm finished here, tell him please."

"I will, take care of yourself. Let me hear from you." Daniel hung up and felt bad. After a glance into Kay's room, finding him still sleeping, he decided to go into town and pick up Kay's medication.

As he rode downhill on his bike, he passed a little Fiat. He jumped as it began to honk it's horn and he swayed upon the bike. Angry, he got off and wanted to grumble when he saw who stepped out of the car.

"Roberto?" he asked in disbelief.

Roberto kept a straight face and stretched out his hand. "Myself." His blue eyes blinked as he haltingly began to smile.

"What are you doing here all of a sudden? Thought we're through."

Daniel didn't know if he should be pleased or annoyed. Their affair had been a hot one and the parting hurt the more. He didn't want to go through it again. But Roberto's eyes were still of a heavenly blue and his body inviting.

"Pa said I should ask for work again, you know I'm so bored with the restaurant."

Daniel remembered that he worked as a waiter and was always complaining about that. Spoiled brat, he thought. "I've sold the apple plantation," he said coolly.

Roberto blinked again. "Why? It was fun to work for you."

Involuntarily Daniel began to grin. "I have the feeling you enjoyed it." He winked. "Now, what do you seriously want? You didn't make the long trip from Rome up here to tell me that you want to work for me? You know the harvest is in September, eh?" He thought quickly. "Wait a moment, I'll take the bike back and you can give me a lift to town, ok?"

Roberto nodded and watched Daniel driving up to his castle again. What am I supposed to tell him? He thought. Apparently it was a stupid idea to go to Daniel - cheeky in addition. But both had had a lovely time indeed last year and Danny was a nice man ... so why not?

It didn't take long until Daniel entered the car. "Drop me out at the pharmacy. Have to pick up few things." He watched Roberto's profile.

"Now, what brought you to me again? I remember last time you said that you can't stand the backwater here. Too many old and ill people, so what changed your mind?"

"Couldn't forget you?" Roberto suggested and Daniel gave him a sharp look.

"You're kidding me."

"No." Roberto's voice cajoled. "Daniele, I never forgot you." He put his hand upon Daniel's knee. Daniel felt little electrical impulses rushing through his body. He tried to shake them off.

"Stop it," he said low. "If you think you can renew our relationship you're wrong. If you're in need of work, you must look for a job elsewhere, not here."

Roberto said nothing. Too bad he didn't take Andrea's offer to share the money. Well, it wasn't too late for that. The handing over of the altar went well and soon he should receive a cheque. Or the account Giorgio had promised him. Unfortunately Andrea had left Meran to follow the older man.

The car reached the city and passed the pedestrian precinct. The flower beds stood in full bloom, azaleas and rhododendron, pansies and Judas trees.

"Wait for me? We can have lunch. Be right back." Daniel jumped out of the car and entered the pharmacy.

"Hope you aren't ill," Roberto said when Daniel came back.

"Not me. But I have a friend up there who caught a bad cold." He looked at his watch. "Forget about the restaurant and come with me. Perhaps he's awake and needs me."

"A friend?" He looked suspiciously but Daniel did nothing more than nod.

In the meantime, Kay walked down to the kitchen to make himself something to drink when he heard Daniel coming back. He turned curiously when he heard a foreign voice. "I'm here" he croaked. His throat hurt terrible and the doc had forbidden him to speak actually.

"Why aren't you in bed?" Daniel scolded him and rushed him out of the kitchen and upstairs to his room. "I met an old friend of mine. Are you hungry?"

He studied the box of tablets and put one into a glass of water. "Here, every six hours. You look feverish."

"An old friend of yours?"

"Yeah, nothing important," Daniel lied. "Oh, by the way, Sebastian called and asked for you."

"Oh yes? And? Why didn't you wake me up?"

"Stupid. I'm to tell you that he misses you. Perhaps he will come to pick you up when he finishes his work in Volterra. Like that idea?"

Kay nodded and drank the water. Actually he felt like shit and was happy that Sebastian didn't see him in this condition. His nose was running like mad and Daniel tossed him a big box of tissues. "Ok, I'll leave the ward. When you need something call me. Guess you're hungry?"

"No." Kay's voice was weak. "Just want to sleep some more." His eyes closed. "Tell me about your friend when he's gone."

Daniel smiled indulgently and silently closed the door. He was relieved that Kay made up his mind and forgave Sebastian his stupid mistake. Apropos stupid mistakes ... let's hope the whole calamity doesn't start again when Kay tells Sebastian what happened here two nights before. He had urged him to tell Sebastian about it, otherwise they would have the same situation as before.

Shaking his head he went downstairs to find Roberto in the kitchen. He had taken spaghetti from the pantry, and was chopping tomatoes. Beside it Daniel saw thick slices of bread, fennel, onions, oil and aceto.

Roberto beamed. "Guess you missed my panzanella salad, didn't you?"

Daniel grinned. "Of course I did - sometimes." Somehow Daniel felt like in the old days when Roberto had shared the castle with him and behaved like a little whirlwind in his life. He sure was a spoiled brat but he could be very lovely, letting Daniel hardly have time to take a deep breath and to ponder about the use.

"Where do you stay?" Daniel asked.

"Little Pensione." He couldn't tell him about Giorgio's house in the hills.

"You haven't got much money, right? Well, you could stay here for the night."

"And your friend? Where is he?"

"Upstairs, sleeping again."

Roberto finished his chopping. "Your lover?"

"No." The answer came too quickly so Roberto gave him a curious look.

"All right. I'll accept the offer." He turned again and grinned.

* * *

"Want to tell me about your boyfriends?" Ben asked quietly. They sat upon the couch in Kay's old flat overlooking the museum's area which was softly illuminated by the early evening hour.

"Boyfriends?" Simon tasted the word on his tongue as it would be the wrong term. He still felt weak and was glad that Ben was there for him although he had to leave him each morning to go to the academy. As promised, Ben would take some days off very soon but since Simon didn't feel too well they had decided that it would be too exhausting for him to drive around so they settled for the new flat. Simon enjoyed it anyway. He shifted a bit. "No, can't remember." He hesitated. "Yes, I can remember. All of them. Sometimes they come back to me in nightmares."

"I'll be here now." Ben said soothingly. He still didn't ask him about the strange photos he had found and was most unsure if he should bring up the topic.

"You know all those men. I have had enough of it. I told you before that it isn't about living out horniness, I sold myself one time too often. You understand?"

Ben wasn't sure if he meant Frank so he remained silent.

"I was in Hamburg after Marcus and I broke up. I couldn't stand the presence of my parents. Surely I could have taken my own flat in Berlin but I wanted to be as far away from them as possible. I had money enough from my account to have found a nice flat for myself." Simon fell silent. He couldn't remember the names of all his boyfriends he had.

Boyfriends. He valued once more the taste of this name on his tongue. Of course they were boyfriends in a rapid changing way but they were boyfriends nonetheless and Simon had hung their hearts on them as far as it was possible for him. Perhaps he had lost a little piece of his heart everytime so that there wasn't much left now for Ben. He shook his head. He certainly did read too much recently. Every time he fell in love but couldn't hold on. Or they couldn't hold on. Perhaps a man's life is ruled by his cock but where's the place for heart and soul then?

He looked at Ben who had his eyes closed. He was sure that Ben's first intention was to make him happy but he hadn't figured out yet the reason for this. Certainly it couldn't be Simon's charming personality. He wasn't that charming. Was he?

"One night I met a man in a bar. Joachim, shortly Jo. He was much older than Marcus but I didn't object. He was ... " What was he? A gentleman? That would hit the nail only partly. Sure he was cultivated but he had very irritating traits, a sly look, a clever behaviour and when Simon learned that he had connections to Hamburg's underworld it was much too late. Simon had fallen in love again. Briefly he remembered his diary he was writing. Perhaps he would give it to Ben to read and this would be explanation enough.

"He was clever you know. Told me that I'm the boy he searched for so long. Good looking, saucy and careless. He owned several night bars with strippers and prostitutes, not only male ones but with a mixed audience as well. I didn't object. He had money that was all I had been interested in."

That was a lie, he thought. I did like him and that he had money was a nice bonus.

"Really?" Ben interrupted.

"Not really, I could lead the life I once led with Marcus. He was nice to me, promised me everything if I stayed with him."

"Must have really been in love with you."

Simon smiled weakly. "Don't think so. You know, after some months he made me a proposal. He knew that I was a randy lad so I had nothing against entertaining to some of his friends too."

Ben's head turned in surprise. "Entertaining some of his friends too?" he repeated. "You slept with them to please this Jo?"

Simon nodded.

"The photos," Ben muttered all of a sudden.

"Huh?"

Ben shifted upon the couch to look fully into Simon's face. "I didn't tell you but I found photos amongst your clothing as I packed the suitcases."

"Oh. Yes." Simon seemed to be embarrassed. "I took some of them with me, don't know why. You guess the rest?"

"Jo took the photo's, yes? And video's as well? But why?"

"Some of the men were hot shots in politics and science. Don't know exactly. They all paid to hide it from their families, wives, etc."

"You knew it?"

"No. At first I didn't know. Jo took the photos from a one side mirror so I had no clue. Then he told me but it was too late. He used me but I didn't say no."

No, I didn't say no - first, Simon mused. He focused his gaze upon the classic building down on the isle. The men were nice, they had money and it was far from being as disgusting as all the fucks he found on the streets later with Oliver. And he never had so much sex in his entire life. Some of them were really shy and he had to teach them about the right use of their hands, tongue and cocks. Simon sighed and almost grinned at the recollection.

"And then?"

Simon shrugged his shoulders. "One day I had enough, that's all."

"But, I don't understand. You blackmailed those men and you weren't afraid to go? I mean you're in Jo's hands. What if he had followed you?"

"He was in my hands as well."

Ben nodded and shook his head at the same time. What a world. He cleared his throat before he said, "How many men had it been? Many?"

"Too many."

But the worst was still to come after he returned to Berlin and got Rene's call for an AIDS test. It was the time when Simon lost the ground under his feet. Jo had urged him to use a condom always so the men weren't in highly danger but, to be serious, this didn't bother him in the least.

His brother and the connections to his old life in Berlin had been cut and he didn't want them to know the state he was in. He was too ashamed. Nobody should know, neither his parents, nor his brother and in no way Marcus.

"After my return to Berlin, I found Rene again in a bar. He was the one who called me to tell me that he's HIV positive. So I went for a test of my own. The rest you know. Well almost." He thought about Oliver. Ben had no clue about him.

"I don't know the rest. Why you had to go on the streets selling your body? Why didn't you ever call your brother?"

"What difference would that have made? I was positive too, nobody in the whole world can help me. I lived from day to day, spent money where I could until my credit card was canceled. Didn't pay the bill. Sure that would have been the time for a call, but I didn't do it."

"You're a dickhead." Ben sighed.

"I know."

"You never heard from Jo again?"

Simon shook his head. "How could he find me in this big town?"

"You said he was sort of a boss of the underworld, Mafia? Mafioso have their connections."

"I don't mind, Ben. The matter never came up. So I don't waste a thought about it."

Ben sighed once more. He felt a bit sick and didn't know what to say. Simon looked at him and lifted his head. "I have no idea why you care about me," he whispered. Certainly I'm a piece of shit.

"Fishing for compliments, huh?" Ben croaked. "How can I tell my heart to stop loving you?"

"Loving me?" Simon smiled. "You aren't serious, are you?"

Ben nodded.

I'll try to put up with it, I promise. I lived a life that's enough for two lives and I'm only 23."

Ben laughed bitterly. "Yeah, you did."

"I'm glad you're with me," Simon was still whispering. He loosened the clip of Ben's ponytail and dug his fingers into the black hair. "I'm looking forward to your holidays. Your teacher doesn't object?"

"No. I told her my aunt is ill and I had to visit her in another town."

"So? Then we shouldn't get caught in town. A good reason to spend the holidays in bed." His dark eyes sparkled. That was the Simon Ben liked so much. He giggled and grabbed Simon's hand which still rumpled his hair. He pulled him even closer to his body and pressed his lips upon Simon's until they opened and allowed his tongue to slip in. At the same time he felt Simon's fingers open the zip of his jeans, creeping into the waistband of his pants, searching for his penis, stroking it and bringing it to full erection.

Ben moaned into Simon's mouth, opened his legs wider but Simon pulled back his hand. Without a word he broke the kiss and motioned Ben to lift his butt to pull down the trousers, then he bent down and his head vanished between Ben's legs. Ben threw his head back, leaned it on the sofa and enjoyed the attention. Certainly it felt good ... Ben's face muscles jerked involuntarily. Not only good, it felt fantastic. Simon knew what he did ... what he had to do to please his customer.

Ben's body tensed and he opened his eyes wide. He looked down, saw Simon's rosy tongue working his shaft so skilfully, licking the droplets, swallowing the head of his cock, circling around and at the most sensitive spot beneath the crown that Ben shivered while Simon's fingers played softly with his uncovered balls.

Customer.

He blinked and took the glasses from his nose to lay them aside.

Customer.

Simon breathed heavily through his nose, giving approval sounds. Perhaps his customers like to hear this to increase their own arousal. Ben dug his fingers into Simon's dark curls and lifted them from his forehead. His penis had vanished into Simon's sucking mouth. A long time trained action. Clear and clinical.

Simon pulled at Ben's legs and Ben slid down the sofa, spreading his legs even more so Simon now had full access to his butt hole. His fingers crept forward under the balls, rubbing the way slightly with his short fingernails and Ben inhaled sharply as a finger penetrated, poked forward, searching and finding. Ben's cock twitched in Simon's mouth. Velvet and warm, covered with saliva, slippery and throbbing in the same rhythm as his arsehole now ...

Customer.

How much Simon usually got for this attention? What was the price for a blow job like this? What was the price when he lifted his arse high in the air, offered it for hundreds of cocks.

Ben's outcry was painful when he came and Simon dropped his penis immediately, looking up scared. Ben's semen squirted uncontrollably into his face and he wiped it. "What happened? Did I hurt you? Simon rose and bent over Ben's twisted face. He stroked his cheeks until Ben opened his eyes again. "Say something, Ben."

"I'm all right," Ben's voice was hoarse. "I just had to think about..."

"About what?" Simon wiped his face again with the sleeve of his shirt and smeared the remains of Ben's semen over his penis. It was a feather light touch and lovingly. "I'm sorry if I did something wrong," he said.

"You didn't do anything wrong. It's just ... it's ... " He couldn't tell him what he was thinking. He wasn't sure what Simon did when they made love, was it because he loved Ben or was it out of sheer habit? With the only exception that he wasn't paid for it?

But Simon's face was innocent in this very moment and relaxed. Then a shadow flitted over it. "You thought about how often I did it to other men, right? Is it the reason for your ... pain?"

Ben could only nod and a sudden cramp filled his stomach. Simon sat beside him and pulled him into his arms. His hand again found its way to Ben's limp penis and stroked it. But he remained silent.

"I just can't help it," Ben said low, "it came to my mind."

"It's ok. You must hate me for my past."

"I don't hate you" Ben said tired. "It's just still the shock about what you told me right now."

"Shock? You didn't look like you were shocked. I thought you would have a little understanding."

Ben rose and looked soberly at Simon. "I'm not sure if I understand you. It makes me somewhat sick." He dropped his gaze and Simon was seriously hurt.

"You're disgusted, confess", he said aloud. "I shouldn't have told you then. I thought I could trust you. I ... Nobody knows about it, I was too ashamed to tell, but I thought ... " his voice trailed off. But Ben couldn't bring himself to say something soothing. So Simon stood and silently left the room. Ben sat there in a daze for a moment, then he lifted his pants and trousers and followed Simon out of the room. He found him in the other room where Ben had gathered all his painting and pottery utensils. Simon stood in front of a potter's wheel and a chunk of clay. Ben had prepared it to work with it.

He left Simon alone and looked instead at the painting Marcus had made of Simon and had sent over to Simon's old flat several weeks ago. Ben had brought it when he packed Simon's stuff. He studied the naked body who held a soft towel in front of his genitals, the round orbs of his butt sticking out, up to the face with the cheeky grin and the two deep dimples. This was another Simon. A healthy Simon. A mentally carefree Simon.

His eyes wandered back to the real Simon standing there, looking down, his shoulders hanging. Silently he stepped closer and embraced him from behind. He leaned his head against Simon's soft curls and sniffed the scent. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "Give me time to understand, will you?"

Simon didn't move. "I don't want you to feel pity for me," he said muffled.

Ben moaned silently. "I don't feel pity for you." Well, a bit, he thought. "Please drop that pity-theme. You said it before and I think it's becoming pathological at your side."

He tried to turn Simon to look him in the face. Simon let it happen. His eyes were a bit puffy from unshed tears and Ben was surprised. He never had thought that Simon could cry.

"Forget your past. It's over. Let's try to begin a new life, yes?"

"But you're the one who can't forget the past!"

"Me? Well, you'd just told me about your past and I had to react somehow. Perhaps my reaction was wrong but I couldn't help it. I said I'm sorry for it."

Ben's eyes began to sparkle in anger. He didn't bring his glasses and Simon marvelled over the clear, hazelnut colour. He couldn't let loose of Ben anymore he thought out of the blue. He was too involved now, wasn't he?

Start a new life! How could he say that? Had he forgotten that Simon was doomed to die sooner or later?

"We all have to die."

Simon's eyes widened. "You read my mind."

"Of course. You think because you're infected, your life is over or something. You don't have to care anymore about you and the feelings of others. If this is the case you can go and live your life in a desert as a hermit where you won't meet any people you can hurt."

Simon wanted to get free but Ben's grip was strong. "But if you decide to stay here with me, you have to begin a new life. Jesus, you're not that ill, you survived the hepatitis and it seems as if you'll be all right completely. You won't die tomorrow, next week nor in the next few years. Understand finally! That is, if you take care of yourself of course. So all I want to ask you is to give attention to my feelings too. I don't mind what you did in Hamburg." Ben paused a second. "I mean, when I worked it out finally. Give me a few days and I will try to understand. I'm sure I will. And I don't want to hear any other horror stories. They are over."

He glared intently into Simon's eyes and Simon didn't blink. Perhaps it was that moment when he realized that there would be other things for him to live for. Ben's try to shake him of his self pity feelings succeeded slowly. For now.

"So, is it a deal?" Ben asked.

Simon nodded and wrapped his arms around Ben's body. He buried his face into the angle between Ben's neck and shoulder. Again 'perhaps' was a nice word to think. But still he was convinced that Ben was simply too good for him. "You don't think I'm too dirty to touch?" he asked indistinctly.

"Rubbish. I guess I proved the contrary already, didn't I?"

Ben was feeling like he had a hurt animal in his arms. And he wasn't quite sure if Simon was serious. But he would give it a try. It was too good to feel his body, to have him around and he lived for the hours when Simon completely forgot about his illness and was the carefree lad he always had been. He would fight for that these hours would expand to weeks and months. He vowed it to himself.

Simon lifted his head from Ben's shoulder and looked him directly in the eyes. "Yeah, you proved. So what do we do with the first day of my brand new life?" His mouth twisted into that impish grin which matched the grin in his portrait on the wall and Ben's heart skipped a beat. Perhaps he was too charmed by those grins ... No, somewhere under the hard shell must have been Simon's soft side. After all Marcus must have seen and loved it. And he would find it, yes. Ben nodded to himself. Simon was still waiting for an answer.

"I could cook for you on our first day of your new life. Think you should have something proper to eat."

"Gosh, no mashed potatoes and apple puree!"

Ben laughed. "No. Guess I'll find something better." He took Simon's hand and went with him into the kitchen. Kay didn't have much equipment there, but the microwave was useful Ben thought. He never had one but it shouldn't be that difficult to handle. Something dropped into his mind. "What about Marcus' money? You know we wouldn't be able to hold the flat when Kay wouldn't still pay for it. But what about all the other things?"

"Kay's my brother, but to take money from Marcus is a different thing."

"Geez, why are you so complicated? When Marcus had offers, you can take it. Why not? He has enough money."

"I don't want to swallow my pride for all eternity."

Ben turned surprised. "So that's the reason? But you never hesitated to take the money from your parents. Isn't it the same? Look, Marcus is still a friend. He loves you, I know it. Well, in a different way now I think, but nevertheless. It's not an alms. It's friendship." Simon raised his eyebrows. Perhaps Ben was right. Friendship.

"I suppose you don't want to sell stuff for your future life? Remember, a new life has begun. So if you don't want to take Marcus' money we have to make plans. What have you learned?"

"Nothing."

"Ah! Nothing. Fine." Ben plopped down in the kitchen chair and pulled Simon to the other. "Kay also didn't learn anything and yet he found a job as sales clerk at Cerruti's shop. And I don't think they would take everybody from the street."

"Perhaps he fucked the owner."

Ben grinned. "Yeah, he would do that, wouldn't he."

"So you want me to play hawker, offering myself for nothing? What can I do? Clean the streets, join the dustmen, but I think I'm to weak for that. What else? I can't even clean windows. Selling newspapers, yes, but then I would have to get up very early in the morning, fancy that?"

"Go back to school."

"School? I hate school. And what shall I learn?"

"Aren't you interested in something? You were reading a lot recently."

"Yeah." Simon enjoyed it more than he would confess. He was not simply reading, he had swallowed the books. He had begun to write sort of a diary every evening, unnoticed by Ben. The beginning had been difficult for him but now it became his usual habit and he quite enjoyed it. He even thought that he wasn't that bad at writing. It sorted his thoughts and feelings and his brain was sharp enough to analyse them like a surgeon's scalpel.

"And?" Ben asked.

"I enjoyed it."

"I watched you writing every evening."

"You did?" Simon exclaimed. "I thought you wouldn't know."

"I know. What are you writing? Diary?"

"Well, not exactly." His voice was almost timid. "It's about my life. If you're interested you can read it, although you said, the past is over. And it deals a lot with my past." His look was evasive but Ben's eyes sparkled in excitement. "You would let me read it? Yes, I said I don't want to hear those old stories, but ... I would like to read, if you don't mind, or if it isn't too personal."

"It is."

Ben smiled warmly. Yeah, that it was. Simon's shell began to crumble, slowly, but it started. He took Simon's hand and played with the fingers. "I would love to read it." Simon smiled back.

"Perhaps we can make a famous author of you." Ben grinned and Simon snorted. "Yeah, earn millions of Marks and we wouldn't need Marcus' money." He interrupted himself. The question still demanded an answer. Why not take his money and be carefree of all sorrows? He cleared his throat. "About the money ... I think we could need it, what do you think?"

Ben nodded.

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INTERLUDE

 

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"Not power, not wealth, only art is eternal."

The whispered words resounded loudly in the high, long nave. He wiped ponderously over his mouth, the long sleeve of his brown habit rustled. The chaplain's small eyes examined the round dark red grave plate with the engraving of Tycho Brahe's figures. It almost seemed as if the invisible lips were twisted to a sad smile. He found the engraving most appropriate for the treasure he was hiding behind the wooden calvary group in the left chapel of the church. A low sigh wavered through the darkness.

He took the gas lamp again and silently crossed the nave, passed the high altar and vanished through a little gap behind the wood carved crucifixion group. He sat the lamp down and removed a cloth. His eyes were glistening with joy. This was it ... Holy Mary with her chubby cheeked son in her arms was smiling indulgently at him. Furtively he stretched out his hands to caress the wooden coat. Her mother, Anna, and Joseph stood beside her to watch the ascent to heaven. Now the altar was complete. Finally! he sighed and wiped again over his mouth. He scratched his chin where stubbles began to itch. The parish would be pleased to see it again in all its glory. The way it has to be. Complete.

Thankfully he thought about the man who had made it possible. The altar always belonged to be here, in his church, the most glorious church of Prague, although the grand master of the Maltese Order demanded it from him. Said it would carry a secret. Jan's eyes scanned the sculpture. What could it be? A hidden spot? An ability to work miracles? The grand master won't tell him. Jan shuddered at the mere thought of the gaunt man with the bald head, the bushy gray brows and the cold, rasping voice.

He loosened his gaze from the Madonna and peered through the slit. Darkness surrounded him, only the light of the lamp illuminated the ship. Dark brown stone, misty atmosphere, that was his life. He loved to be here.

Slowly he put the cloth over again and slipped through the gap. The habit was only a shadow in the gloominess. Silently he entered the stony spiral staircase behind the altar leading him to his tiny flat high above in one of the towers. It was his refuge.