Nemesis: Loud Like Love - 15. Chapter Fifteen: A Million Little Pieces

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

A Million Little Pieces

Matt put his arm around Nick’s shoulder as they left Sapswell College after band practice. ‘So! You guys coming to my birthday party? Eighteen, motherfuckers!’

‘What’s gonna change? You’ve done everything eighteen-year-olds can do for years already,’ said Stuart.

‘Except vote. Now I can vote! I can kick out the Tories!’ Matt grinned. ‘So, are you lot coming or what?’

Stuart shrugged. ‘Sure.’

‘Of course I’ll come!’ Nick smiled, but it faded quickly. ‘Hey, you guys . . . At the party, please tell me if I’m getting too drunk?’

Matt’s smile softened. ‘Of course we will. I promise. Right, Stu?’

‘Don’t call me that,’ said Stuart automatically. Then, ‘Of course, Nick. I won’t let you crash and burn again.’

‘Best friends anyone could ever wish for, you too,’ said Nick.

‘You feeling okay about Dave being there?’ asked Matt.

‘I already told you, I can handle being around him now. We’ve talked a lot lately. And Evan’s been helping me, too. I can see him without going completely off the rails now. I promise.’

‘Good!’ Matt squeezed his shoulder. ‘That’s all I need to know.’

They bid Stuart farewell, and headed towards the bus. Matt lit a cigarette. ‘I’ve got lots of cool people coming this time. Some friends from Birmingham. I think you’ll really like them. But you guys are the most important. You and Stuart, and Alan, of course.’

‘And Dave,’ said Nick, smiling. ‘Again, I’m fine. You can speak his name, I’m not gonna die.’

Matt shrugged. ‘And Dave. I just want to be tactful. But . . . You’ve come a long way, Nick.’ They halted at the bus stop, and Matt put another arm around Nick’s shoulder and kissed his cheek. ‘I’m proud of you.’

* * *

Last year’s birthday party had been a small affair, following the gig The Oxymorons had had at Café Underworld, with just the inner circle. In comparison, this party was huge. Matt’s parents had once again obligingly left town for the weekend, so Matt could wreak havoc in their home undisturbed. Once again, Dave was hit with how much Matt’s parents trusted him. Of course, these days, he had a trusting and kind parent himself.

After Christmas, Dave’s father had temporarily vacated the house, until his mother could find a suitable home for Dave and herself. A rather nice house was about to come on the market that she had her eye on, not far from where Alan lived. It would be strange, moving out of the house he had grown up in, but then that was going to happen soon, anyway. He’d be going off to uni come autumn, after all.

‘Dave! Dave, Dave, Dave, it’s so great to see you!’ Matt flung his arms around Dave’s neck and kissed his cheek. ‘I’m so glad you’re here!’

‘You’re already quite merry, I see,’ said Dave, smiling. He handed him a gift bag. ‘Contribution to the party.’

Matt opened the bag and pulled out a bottle of whisky. ‘Oh, wow! No, I’m saving his. Alan!’

Alan came over, rolling his eyes. Clearly, he was far more sober. ‘Hey, Dave.’ He gave Dave a half hug. Since he had started seeing Matt, and especially since he had started to come out to more people, Alan had become a far more physical person. Hugging other guys had been a rare occurrence before, reserved for drunken vows of friendship and brotherly love, but these days he hugged his friends regularly.

‘Alan, would you take this and put it in my room so I won’t drink it? I don’t want to binge drink good whisky.’

Dave laughed. ‘It’s not super fancy or anything!’

Matt raised an eyebrow. ‘You have too much money. It’s a ten year old Jura. Get over yourself. Oh!’ He spotted someone else. ‘Devon! Alan, wait, you have to meet Devon!’

Dave wondered if he were imagining things when Alan greeted the newcomer rather stiffly. Devon, however, wrung his hand with enthusiasm and hugged Matt tightly. ‘Remember I told you about Devon, Alan?’ Judging by Alan’s facial expression, he did. ‘Devon, Alan is my boyfriend! Exclusively so.’

Devon raised both his eyebrows. ‘Monogamy? Perish the thought!’ He smiled. ‘It’s nice to meet you, Alan.’ Alan grunted in response.

‘Okay, okay,’ said Matt. ‘Get that bottle to my room, please, Alan.’ He kissed him messily on the mouth. ‘I promise not to snog anyone else while you’re gone.’ As Alan left, Matt spotted someone else and promptly disappeared, leaving Dave alone with Devon.

Devon had messy ginger curls and green eyes, and was entirely freckly. He smiled at Dave and reached out his hand. ‘Hey, I didn’t catch your name. I’m Devon.’

‘Dave,’ said Dave, and shook it. ‘I’m Alan’s best friend. You one of Matt’s Birmingham pals?’

‘Yeah.’ Devon scratched his head, messing up his curls further. ‘We were on and off fuck friends for a while, but seems he’s finally settled down. That’s good. I’m happy for him. Don’t think he’s ever had a proper long term boyfriend before.’ He looked a little bit sad for a moment, but snapped back almost at once. Dave got the distinct impression that Devon would have quite liked to be Matt’s boyfriend himself at some point. ‘What about you? What’s your story?’

‘Oh, I’m from here. Went to school with Matt for the last year of secondary school. We played football together, too.’ Dave looked about the room. Devon was far from the only attractive person he’d never met before. ‘Why do I get the feeling that Matt has either slept with or snogged at least half the people in here?’ he wondered aloud.

Devon laughed. ‘Because he probably has. You one of them?’ he smirked.

‘Nah. He kissed me once. I turned him down.’

‘But you like guys, right?’

Dave looked away. He wasn’t dense enough not to notice that Devon was flirting with him, and he had an almost unbearably adorable face. He wasn’t sure if he ought to confirm or deny. He felt a confirmation might seem like he was flirting back, and he really wasn’t in any position to do so at present. He had learned after Patrick. But he didn’t want to lie either, so he said, ‘Yeah.’

‘Lucky me,’ said Devon.

‘Yeah, listen . . .’

‘Got a boyfriend?’

‘No, but still getting over one. So.’

‘Ah, too bad. You’re hot. Will you be offended if I flirt with you anyway?’

Dave laughed. ‘Go ahead. Just don’t expect anything to come of it.’

Devon’s grin was infectious. ‘All right! Let’s get a drink, yeah?’

* * *

Nick took a sip of his wine. He had promised himself he wouldn’t drink anything stronger tonight, and Stuart was watching him like a hawk. He wondered if asking him to make sure he didn’t get too wasted had been a bad idea, as he was clearly taking the request extremely seriously, but then it was kind of nice to be worried about. Evan had told him that he needed to accept the concern of other people.

He saw Dave arrive, and watched him introduce himself to a redhead he’d never seen before. After that, he decided not to watch him too closely.

Matt came over and sat down next to him. ‘You doing all right, Nick?’

Nick nodded. ‘Yeah. Good turn-out.’ He gestured to the room. There had to be at least thirty people here already, and more seemed to be trickling in.

‘Yeah, I let anyone who asked bring plus ones, so.’ Matt grinned. ‘The more the merrier, right?’

Nick shrugged. ‘I guess.’

Matt ruffled his hair. ‘I know you’re not a huge fan of crowds, Nick. Thanks for coming in spite of that.’

‘Hey, I’ve got Stuart to keep me company,’ said Nick with a smile.

‘Yes, and I am not leaving your side,’ said Stuart. ‘You asked me to make sure you don’t get too drunk, and I am nothing if not thorough.’

‘You don’t have to be my shadow, you know,’ said Nick, feigning annoyance. ‘You should talk to people.’

‘So should you. We can talk to them together.’

Nick rolled his eyes and then kissed Stuart’s cheek. ‘Thanks for taking care of me.’

‘I told you. I love you.’

Matt laughed. ‘Weirdo. Okay, gots to mingle! I’ll see you two later.’ He disappeared into the crowd.

After a while, Nick spotted Chas and Ellie, and he and Stuart went to talk to them. Nick tried to pace himself, drinking slowly and interspersing with water, but by ten o’clock he was nevertheless starting to feel fairly tipsy, though he was miles behind the rest of the party, most of whom were fairly gazeboed at this point.

It was when Stuart disappeared to go to the toilet (‘No, Stuart, I am not going with you to the loo so you can keep an eye on me!’ Nick had told him), that Nick suddenly found himself standing more or less right next to Dave. He was talking to the redhead from before and a few other people, and seemed to be having a lot of fun. Nick was about to turn away and go sit down somewhere when Dave seemed to spot him.

‘Oh. Hey, Nick.’ He smiled, and Nick smiled back.

He wanted to hug him, but they weren’t quite at a stage yet where that was appropriate. So instead he simply said, ‘Hi. Having fun?’

‘Yeah. You?’

Nick shrugged. ‘Thinking I might go home soon. Don’t want to get too . . .’ He indicated his wineglass. ‘You know.’

Dave nodded. ‘Yeah. Hey, have you met Devon? He’s one of Matt’s friends from Birmingham. Nick is in Matt’s band.’

‘Oh!’ The redhead named Devon grinned. ‘I thought you looked kind of familiar! I’ve seen video of you. You’re amazing! Your stage presence is just, wow. So impressed. I was gonna maybe come see you guys back in November, but it clashed with something else. Really want to see you play, though.’

‘Thanks,’ said Nick, smiling. He drained his glass a bit too quickly and immediately regretted it. He wasn’t going to get too drunk, he had said.

‘Oh, you’re out of booze,’ said Devon, and held up a vodka bottle. ‘Please, have some!’

‘Er . . .’

‘No,’ said Dave, and then seemed to catch himself, looking a bit sheepish. ‘I mean, er, if you wanted to go home . . . Not that you have to go home!’

Nick found himself smiling, and he touched Dave’s arm lightly for a second. ‘It’s okay, don’t worry. Thanks, Devon, but I shouldn’t drink anymore.’

‘Aww . . . Why not? Just one more won’t hurt, right?’

Nick wanted to say no, and he wanted to say yes. The fact that Dave had tried to stop him from getting too drunk was incredibly sweet and made his heart race. That feeling made him want to drink, so he could drown it out.

‘Maybe just—’ he began.

‘Nick!’ Stuart came up to him, smiling. ‘Come out with me for a fag? I’m gasping.’ He took Nick’s hand and kissed his cheek.

‘Excuse me,’ said Nick to Devon. ‘Maybe later. See you, Dave.’

He followed Stuart outside. It was chilly, and he hugged himself against the wind. Several people were smoking on the porch, but he and Stuart stayed close to the wall where it was warmer. Stuart didn’t actually smoke. He put an arm around Nick’s shoulders casually.

‘Hope I didn’t just cockblock you,’ he said. ‘That guy looked kind of into you.’

Nick shook his head. ‘Nah, he was just complimenting me on my music. He’s Matt’s friend. Apparently, he’s seen the video Brian took.’ He glanced at Stuart. ‘Thanks for rescuing me, though. Almost said yes to that vodka.’

Stuart shook his head. ‘You, Dave, and booze is a dangerous combo. Glad I got there in time.’

‘You know, I appreciate how protective you are of me, but I really am okay.’

‘I know.’ Stuart smiled. ‘I know you are. I just . . . I worry. You know, you’re probably the first real friend I’ve had in, like, ever. Never got along with kids my own age. And most people find me kind of arrogant, which, it’s not arrogance if it’s true, is it?’ Nick laughed. ‘But you, you don’t seem to mind. You accept my weirdness, and you forgive me when I’m a dick. I butt heads with Matt all the time, but you always find some way of keeping the peace. You’re important to me, Nick. You matter. So, I won’t let anything bad to happen to you.’

Nick leaned his head on Stuart’s shoulder. ‘Thank you,’ he said. ‘Really. It means a lot to me that you feel that way. I’m lucky to have you as a friend.’

‘No,’ said Stuart. ‘I’m the lucky one. If I weren’t so asexual and aromantic, I would be in love with you, Nick. Probably good that I am those things, or we might have a problem.’ He laughed. ‘If I get too overbearing, though, or if I touch you too much, or whatever, please let me know and I will adjust my behaviour accordingly. I kind of only have one mode, and that’s full throttle, so, don’t let me overstep, yeah?’

Nick smiled. ‘I won’t. I promise.’ He sighed. ‘I should go home.’

‘Yeah? I’ll walk you there. Should say bye to Matt first, though.’

They found Matt and said goodbye (there were tears on Matt’s part, happy and drunk ones), and then they set off for Nick’s house.

‘Was it okay seeing Dave today?’ Stuart asked while they walked.

‘Yeah. I mean, no. I don’t know.’ Nick sighed. ‘I still feel really hollow without him, you know? And guilty, and angry with myself, and . . . I still love him. I don’t know if I can ever stop loving him. I don’t know how.’

‘I can’t say I understand,’ said Stuart. ‘I mean, I don’t love people that way. There aren’t many people I love at all. But I get that it must hurt, what you’re going through. I mean, I can tell. And if I can help . . . Just let me know, okay?’

Nick put his arm around Stuart and pressed his cheek to his shoulder. ‘You’re already helping. So just keep doing what you’re doing.’

* * *

Devon gazed after Nick and Stuart. ‘That his boyfriend?’

Dave shook his head. ‘Bandmate. That’s the drummer. Stuart.’

‘Ooh, yeah! He’s really good. They’re all really good. Really need to get around to seeing them play. They looked cozy, though, are you sure they’re not together?’

‘Pretty sure. Stuart . . . isn’t really that kind of person.’

‘You mean he’s straight.’

‘I don’t think he’s anything. He’s been a good friend to Nick, though.’

Devon smiled. ‘Nick’s a cutie. Think I could get in there?’

The comment made Dave inexplicably angry, and he had to swallow a retort. No, Devon absolutely could not get in there. Nobody was going to get in there. Ever. He knew that was unfair, knew that he had left Nick, that they weren’t going to get back together. Still, he couldn’t help feeling jealous. Thinking of Nick with anyone else made his chest ache with it.

‘Dave?’ Devon gave him a good-natured smile. ‘You okay?’

‘Yeah.’ Dave forced himself to return the expression. ‘Don’t really think you stand a chance there, mate. He’s getting over a bad break-up.’

Devon cocked his head. ‘That the same bad break-up you’re getting over?’

Dave grimaced. ‘That obvious, huh?’

Devon shrugged. ‘Little bit. Let’s go sit.’ He grabbed Dave’s wrist and pulled him over to a spot on a couch that had just opened up, and they sat down together. ‘I don’t know much about bad break-ups. I’ve been in a few relationships. Polyamorous ones. Drifted apart, no big drama. So I don’t get the whole jealousy thing. Still, being left by someone you love . . . It sucks.’

‘I left him,’ said Dave. ‘He cheated.’

‘See? Polyamory, there’s no cheating, there’s just sharing the love. Saves you buckets of grief.’

Dave laughed. ‘Guess so. Anyway, everything went to shit. Neither of us is over it. I thought I was. Even started seeing someone new. It was good, I really liked him. But then I saw Nick again, and I realised how hung up on him I still was. Didn’t seem fair to my new boyfriend, so I ended it.’

Devon gave him a quizzical look. ‘So, help me understand this. If you’re still in love with him, and he’s still in love with you . . . Why can’t you just get back together?’

Dave shrugged. ‘Been starting to ask myself the same thing, actually. Bottom line, I guess, is that he cheated on me, and I don’t know if I can trust him anymore. And he’s done so much stupid shit since. He’s getting better, but he was so far gone a couple of months ago . . . Maybe, if he gets his shit together, maybe we can . . . But it’s no use thinking like that.’

‘I think you’re making this more complicated than it has to be, mate.’ Devon leaned back, hands behind his head. ‘If you love each other, you can make it work. He did a shitty thing to you, but isn’t it pretty shitty to hold him to this high of a standard, too? If he’s getting better, let him prove to you that you can trust him.’

Dave frowned and pursed his lips. ‘I dunno.’

‘Sorry,’ said Devon, laying a hand on the back of Dave’s neck and squeezing. ‘I didn’t mean to overstep. Just sad seeing two people who care about each other not managing to be together, I guess.’ He massaged Dave’s neck and moved on to his shoulder.

Dave laughed softly. ‘You are just as handsy and flirty as Matt, aren’t you?’

‘Who do you think I learnt it all from?’ Devon grinned. ‘Okay, I’m gonna proposition you once now, and if you say no, I won’t do it again. I would really, really like to have sex with you. Would you be up for that?’

Dave shook his head. ‘Sorry, Devon. In another life I so would, but I can’t.’

Devon removed his hand, but his smile never faltered. ‘All right. Worth a try, anyway. I’d love to be your friend, though, so hit me up on Facebook if you ever want to talk.’ He stood up. ‘There was a cute guy giving me the eye earlier, think I’m gonna go find him, if it’s all the same to you.’

‘Sure, no worries,’ said Dave. ‘Happy shagging!’

He watched as Devon walked away. He had a nice arse. He wouldn’t have minded at all going to bed with Devon. Maybe if he hadn’t seen Nick tonight, he would have gone for it. He wasn’t sure if that would have been a good or a bad thing.