Love is... 1 (Marcus and Justus) - 2. Chapter 2

After that, I started to see Justus a little differently. I don’t know… I began to feel like he was someone who was way more determined and persistent than I’d ever given him credit for. Sure, I used to underestimate him—but even in just that short amount of time, he’d already proved to me that he could do it, and do it well. Because of that, we managed to pass not just that test, but every other test after it as a pair without much trouble. And more importantly, I actually started to enjoy playing tennis with him a lot more.

The two of us started getting closer little by little without even realizing it. I began to see that he was actually kind of cute. I used to think he was just a quiet guy, and he kind of was—but in reality, he was cheerful, easy to smile, good-natured, calm, and a bit soft-hearted too. I started hanging around him more, and he started doing the same with me. Eventually, we got close enough that I’d ask to copy his homework, and we even started going out to eat together—just the two of us.

But beneath all the growing closeness between us, I started to feel a kind of inner conflict building inside me. Even though the semester had barely started—we weren’t even halfway through—I was already starting to feel more and more confused about what exactly I wanted. I had tried many times to stop thinking about these things, but he was the one who kept dragging me back to them, making me think about it all over again.

The question of whether I liked girls or guys started creeping in—and worse, I began feeling strange about Justus, little by little.

It wasn’t exactly the kind of feeling where I’d say I liked him or anything. It was more like… well, he was good-looking, he had a nice personality, and when it was just the two of us, I felt good being around him. That was it. But I couldn’t help but wonder—do other guys normally feel like this toward their friends?

And another thing—I really didn’t like it when I saw him chatting happily with other people. I don’t know. It just made me feel kinda jealous. Like, I was the one who should be the center of attention. Not him. So, whenever I saw my friends crowding around Justus, or when I saw him smiling or laughing with someone else, I’d get this weird annoyance rising up in me. I didn’t want anyone else giving him that much attention. Because if they did… it felt like I didn’t matter anymore.

“And wasn’t it you who never gave him any time of the day before this?” Chubby said with a smartass face.

“And why would I have to be so attentive or so hung up on him before this?”

“I don’t mean you had to always pay attention to him. But come on, you were paired with him and never even wanted to practice together at first. Then how would you know if he was getting better or worse?”

“Well… shit. Yeah… fair enough. I admit it. But we’re playing together now, and I can admit that he’s improved a lot. So what?”

“Nothing. Who’s gonna blame you or whatever? But be careful that one day Justus might get even better than you.”

“HA! No-freaking-way.” I snorted.

“Pfft. You never know. He practices almost every day. And you just rely on your old skill… who knows.”

That line from Chubby lit the spark of rivalry in me again. It wasn’t just that I almost lost to Justus once and had to beg him for a rematch. It was the lingering frustration—like I was starting to feel a little annoyed when it seemed like he was finally getting recognition from others. What a waste.

I looked over at Justus, who was sitting and chatting with someone else, smiling and leaning in close. When I saw him like that, I felt… off. Like, when he talked to me, he didn’t smile that much. He didn’t look that happy. But when he talked to other people, he looked so cheerful. Way too cheerful.

I turned back to Chubby again. “Justus said you’ve been to his house before, right?”

“Yeah. So?”

“You went to play tennis again, right?”

“Yeah. Why?”

“When are you going again?”

“I don’t know. But if we’re talking about his group, they usually play every Saturday. Why?”

“No reason… I just want to tag along.”

“Yeah right… Tag along. Then just go. What does that have to do with me?”

“I want you to come with me, you fat ass!”

“You lost your brain, bro? That is his house, not mine. If you wanna go, just walk over there and tell him!”

I didn’t say anything. I just sat there, sulking, because that comeback hit me square in the gut.

“…So, when are you going?”

“Ugh, damn it, Marcus! You’re the one who wants to go. Why are you asking me when I’m going?”

“Why do I have to use my brain for this kinda shit? It’s just up to you guys. I’ll just tag along. That’s all. OK? End of conversation.”
“God, you’ve been acting so weird lately, Marcus. Super weird,” Chubby muttered under his breath before going back to his manga.

Was I really being weird? I didn’t even realize it. I’d always been a straightforward person. I always said what I felt. Yet I’d never had a beef with anyone before. So why hadn’t I noticed this in myself until now? I didn’t know. I didn’t think I had changed. If there were to be one thing, it would have been the weird feelings I started to develop toward Justus.

During lunch break the next day, I went to return a book I’d borrowed ages ago to the library. As expected, the librarian scanned my overdue copy and told me I owed a six-dollar fine. The real problem was—I’d forgotten my wallet in the classroom. I had barely five dollars in coins on me. At first, I panicked, thinking I’d dropped my wallet somewhere. But then I remembered I’d left it in my backpack upstairs. The fear quickly turned into embarrassment at having no money to pay.

“So? What’s going on?” she asked.

“Ha, I kinda forgot to bring my money… My wallet’s still in the classroom,” I replied.

“Seriously? I’ve already scanned the book. And you don’t even have six dollars on you?”

I looked around awkwardly, not sure what to do. A whole line of students was waiting behind me. And the librarian was speaking loud enough that everyone within earshot could hear.

I glanced around the room. There weren’t many people I could ask for help. But then, sitting at a desk near the back window, I saw a familiar figure with earbuds in, reading something.

I marched right over.

Justus was reading quietly, completely unaware I was standing right behind him. I placed my hand on his shoulder.

“Justus!”

He looked up. “Huh? Oh… Marcus, what’s up?”

“Lend me some money. Just ten dollars.”

He handed it over without a word.

“Thanks, I’ll pay you back,” I said and dashed back to the desk.

After I paid my fine, I walked back to him, and when I got closer, I saw he was ducking his head, smiling.

“What’s the matter? What’s so funny?”

“Nothing,” he said, chuckling.

“Asshole.” I sat beside him. “What are you reading?”

“A magazine.”

“I know that much, jerk. But what about?”

“Not really about news or anything interesting,” he replied. “More like the horoscope section.”

“Hmmmm? You believe in this kind of stuff?”

“Nope, not really. I read it just for entertainment from time to time. Normally, I forget everything as soon as I step out.”

“Right. Anyway—here’s your change.” I handed him four dollars. “I’ll give you the rest once we’re back in class.”

“Nah, don’t worry about it. Just pay me the full ten later.”

“Fair enough,” I said, tucking the money away. “But hey, when I borrowed your money earlier, how come you didn’t ask what I needed it for?”

He flashed me a grin. “Oh, that?”

“Yes, that.”

“Well, you know….” Now he was beaming.

This time when I saw his cute face and big smile, I suddenly felt shy.

“Actually…” He paused, then let out a laugh. “I heard everything. I knew you didn’t have the money. I just pretended not to. I wanted to see what you’d do.”

“You little shit!” I pushed the back of his head a little too hard. “What is your problem? You saw me in trouble and didn’t help at all?”

He rubbed the back of his head, still chuckling. “I was planning to help, but you came over before I got the chance. And anyway… I wasn’t actually listening to music.”

“You sneaky bastard!”

“Not as sneaky as you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Justus grabbed the magazine and flipped it open casually to the horoscope section.

“You’re Aries, right?” he asked.

“Damn. You remembered that?” I teased.

He smiled. “Read it. See if it matches.”

“Nah… too lazy. You read it and tell me later.” I pushed the magazine toward him.

“OK, fine,” he said. "It says these people are people of fire. They have their temper, are easy to get angry and have low patience. But they get along well with people and love their friends deeply. Hence, they tend to have many friends from different circles. They often come off as cold in matters of love, as they dislike letting love take precedence over other aspects of life. But that doesn’t mean they don’t want to be loved at all… Sound like anyone you know?”

I laughed. “Shut up and give me that,” I said, snatching the magazine and scanning until I found Libra. “And what about you? You’re Libra, right?”

“Whoa, I’m touched! You actually remembered?” he grinned. “I’m flattered.”

I couldn’t help but smile. “Shut up and give me that,” I said, snatching the book from him and scanning through until I found Libra.

“Here, listen: Libras are known for having dual personalities. They're logical and thoughtful, usually calm and gentle. They're good at negotiation. But on the flip side, they also have a temper, can be aggressive but covered by their calmness, and like to stir up conflict for no reason.” I looked up at him. “No wonder you’re always picking fights with me, you ass.”

“Think again which one of us who likes starting fights, huh?” he shot back, repeating the line I’d just said.

I smirked a little before continuing. “Libras are great at negotiation and don’t use emotions. They see love as something beautiful. Caring for someone is a second nature for them. It’s just part of life, not something that should be taken too seriously. Libras are typically seen as people who aren’t overly romantic or easily won over. So, if someone wants to be with a Libra guy or girl, listen up—you’ve gotta be strong and ready in all aspects. You need to be a giver. Only then they will treat you as well as you treat them. In addition, you must be the one to express your feelings first, because only then will they respond in kind... Hmmm does that mean I have to muster my courage and start doing something first?” I muttered, but then I realized who I was with. I looked up to see Justus looking at me puzzledly.

“What did you just say?” he asked.

“Huh? Wh—Nothing! I didn’t say anything!” I snapped back instinctively, suddenly flustered. That line I’d just thrown out—it slipped way too easily from my mouth. “Sounds like a load of bullshit horoscope nonsense to me,” I grumbled, pushing the magazine away. “You done?” I said. “I'll get out of here. What about you? No, actually you can stay here and read your books or newspapers or whatever, and I'll see you in the classroom. I'll grab the money. Then I’ll pay you back. Cool?”

I said it all in one breath and rushed out of there, hoping to avoid any awkward follow-up. Then I practically sprinted out of the library.

“You dumbass! Jackass! Idiot!!” I cursed at myself under my breath as I speed-walked toward the classroom.

“What the hell is wrong with you, Marcus?!” Chubby shouted when he spotted me. He grabbed my arm before I could duck into the room.

“Nothing,” I muttered, avoiding eye contact. But eventually, I managed to admit to myself that yeah... it was true. He really was the only one I could think of going to for advice.

“…Hey, Chubby. I need to talk to you about something.”

“There it is! I knew it. Spill it, my boy.”

"I don’t think now’s a good time. I’ll talk to you after school... No, wait. I’ll call you tonight. That’ll be better.”

“What? Why not just talk now? You’re sitting right here next to me—like, literally. Just spit it out—it’ll put your mind at ease.”

“Nah, I’ll wait till tonight. That’s better."

During afternoon classes, I couldn’t concentrate on anything the teacher was saying—not even a little. My thoughts were all over the place. I kept glancing at Justus out of the corner of my eye, wondering if he was acting any differently around me. Every time I looked over, though, he seemed the same as always.

That night, before I went to bed, I called Chubby to talk about it. I started by asking how people even know if they like guys. The conversation meandered around that topic for about ten minutes. It was awkward at first, but eventually I started to get into it and asked him about Justus. Chubby seemed to catch on right away.

“Just fucking get to the point, Marcus. Don’t let me guess—because if I do, it might be scary if I get it wrong. Come on! Chop, chop. What’s your problem? What do you really wanna consult me about? I’m so excited I could shit my pants right now!”

“Disgusting motherfucker. Go take a shit! That’s it, I’m hanging up.”

“Wait, wait, wait—hold on, big bro! You asshole. Don’t try to get away from this. Say it. What the fuck is up?”

I was briefly hesitant. “I... I... I’m not sure if I’m into dudes.”

“Bingo!! I knew it!!” Chubby shouted so loud I had to pull the phone away from my ear. “Damn, that’s why you started by talking about my story. I was wondering why, all of a sudden. What changed? And then I knew—you must’ve been thinking about this kinda stuff, yeah? So I’ve been waiting for you to come talk to me, you buffoon.”

“Wh... What? What did you just say?”

“Oh, also—you motherfucker—you were talking about Justus earlier, which means you like him too, right?”

“No, I do not,” I said firmly. “But... I just…”

“Okay, you listen to me carefully, Marcus.” Suddenly, Chubby’s tone shifted into seriousness. “I think you are…”

“I am what?” I shifted nervously, unsure of what I was about to hear.

“You’re totally gay for him!! Ahahahaha!!”

“FUCK YOU!” I hung up.

In a split second, he called me right back. And as soon as I picked up, what I heard was—

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!”

I hung up again, but a few seconds later, he called again. This time, it was silent...

“Hello?” I said into the phone.

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!”

“YOU ARE THE BIGGEST HOLE IN THE FUCKING BIGGEST ASS IN THE WORLD, CHUBBY!!” I screamed, then hung up again. This friend of mine is a real pain, I tell you.

My phone rang again. This time, I decided to pick it up for the last time. I wasn’t going to tolerate his BS anymore. “Laugh again, you fuckward! If you laugh at me again, we are through! I’m not gonna talk to you ever again!” I spat at him immediately.

“What? Laugh about what? What did I do wrong?”

I was taken aback when I heard a voice that didn’t belong to Chubby—but it was a voice I was familiar with. Still, the surprise made my head go a bit bonkers. I looked at the screen to see who it was.

“Justus?!”

“Hello... hey,” his voice came out from the speaker.

“Sorry, man! I thought it was that fucking Chubby.” And right after I mentioned that bastard’s name, he called me back again. “Yeah—and now he’s calling me again. Do you want anything from me? I was kinda in the middle of talking to him.”

“It’s fine. Go talk to him. I just wanted to tell you that you forgot to return my money.”

Shit. I totally forgot about that. “Hey, hey, I’m really sorry! I didn’t think you’d be that stingy. It’s just a ten dollars. Chill the hell out, damn it.”

“You never miss a chance to bitch at me when you get one, huh?”

The signal beeped again—Chubby’s waiting line came back on.

“Go talk to him then. I’m done,” he said.

“Yeah.” I quickly switched back to Chubby’s call. Just as I did, Justus’s line gave a final warning beep before cutting off.

“You asshole! I was only joking around. You mad now, huh? You rat’s arse!” Chubby’s voice rang out loudly on the line, but my ears were still stuck on Justus’s voice. More importantly, I hadn’t even gotten over the surprise when Chubby came in again:

“...Hello? Mars to you jackass Marcus.”

“Huh? Oh, right... Sorry. No, I’m not mad at you, you fatass. It’s just that... your stupid voice kept bouncing around in my head,” I muttered. “You laugh like some dehydrated camel.”

“What camel do you know that’s as hot as Tom Holland?”

“Yeah, sure. As hot as Tom Holland’s ass hair.”

“Now that you’re able to use your mouth bantering with me again, I guess you’re feeling better now?”

“...Just now Justus called me right after we hung up.”

“What? No shit? Why’d he call you?”

“It’s nothing. I thought it was you again, so I answered without checking the screen. And I started yelling right away. Turns out it wasn’t you—it was him. He said he was just calling to remind me about the money I hadn’t paid him back yet…”

“What? When did you borrow money from him?”

So, I told him everything about what happened in the library that afternoon. And when I finished that part, I went on and told him about all the weird feelings I had toward Justus too. I told him everything—every single thing. Whether it was how I didn’t really like Justus at first, how I slowly started to accept him, how I felt competitive with him, how I started thinking he was kinda cute, how I started feeling weird whenever I saw him chatting with someone else.

And because I didn’t know how to string it all together, the whole story came out messy and kind of incoherent. That made me talk and talk for almost half an hour straight. Chubby just listened the whole time. He didn’t interrupt. Didn’t cut in. Didn’t even laugh at me—not even once. Other than asking some short follow-up questions, maybe three or four the whole time.

"Hey. I've already finished telling you everything. Now you tell me what you think," I asked.

"Honest?"

"For sure."

"Honestly I think you..." he went silent again.

"What now?" I got a little annoyed. "You will say that I'm gay again, won't you?"

"Yes," he replied with a serious tone.

I was stunned.

"Let's say yeah, I knew you were, or are, gay. But you're the one who doesn’t realize it, or maybe just doesn’t want to accept it."

“Yeah, because it’s about Justus, right? That’s why you’re thinking I’m gay. Jeez… I never thought I’d actually like him or anything. I mean at least not much at all, not yet, anyway. It's just..."

"Stop. I listened to your ranting more than enough, so this time you listen to me, Marcus. I didn't say that you're most likely gay because of Justus. I’ve always known."

I was now even more shocked—flabbergasted even. "You think I’ve always been a homo?"

"Yes, well, no. I mean, not like I was so certain or anything. I wasn't that sure either. Anyway, please don't get mad at me, but I... I used to have a crush on you. And that's why I confessed to you about my sexuality."

"WHATTTTTT!!!?? WHAT! DID! YOU! JUST! SAY!!??" If I could scream like a girl, I definitely would.

"FUCK! Lower your goddamn voice. My ear is ringing," Chubby said. "And yeah, so it was like I said. I think I started to look at you differently around grade 9 or 10. But I knew you didn't think of me that way, so I took that as a chance to whore around with other guys." He laughed.

"No, stop it. You don't joke around with this kind of thing, bitch. My heart is trembling right now, fuck."

"And why would I be joking, you fucking roadkill? I'm being totally serious right now. I kinda felt that you might be gay as well. But it was hard to read. You're the kind of person who doesn't know shit about themselves until it's too late. Also, I’ve never seen you really interested in anyone at all. When other guys talk about girls and stuff, you always look distant or maybe even forced to fit in. You are always a tough and courageous kinda guy. But in this situation, you are a lost cause."

"But I also have never fallen for any guys, either. Even right now I still don't feel that way."

"Yup, I know. But I'm close to you, man. I'm your bestie, your soulmate. So, I know you better than anyone, maybe even you yourslef. Do you really not remember that you used to look at a boy in our school? That cute-looking one, and you kept praising him when you talked to me."

"Jeez... but I was only joking around, okay? I didn’t really mean anything serious,” I confessed.

But honestly, I had to admit he wasn’t entirely wrong. Back then, I had pointed out or even praised some good-looking guys in our school to him. It was because I was close to him—and because I knew he was gay—that I dared to act that way. But it never meant anything. I didn’t have feelings for those guys or anything. I just thought, hey, that dude looks cute or handsome out of admiration. That’s all it ever was.

“Straight guys don’t do that, bro. Seriously, I’ve never seen a single straight friend of ours act that way,” he said.

I froze. “But… but…”

“You don’t have to make excuses, Marcus. I know you didn’t mean anything by it. You were just messing around. And yeah, maybe it’s partly because of what I told you earlier, too. So that’s why you don’t need to worry about how others see you. Nobody was paying that much attention. And as for Justus… yeah, I guess you kinda like him now, huh? But the way you are, with your big mouth, big personality, yet very shy, and most importantly you always say things that are opposite to what you really think. And that's why I have noticed you messing with Justus more often. And now it's clear why.” He chuckled.

“Do you really think I like him? Then what should I do? And do you think he is also gay? Can you tell?”

"I THINK that you’ve already developed some feelings for him, otherwise you wouldn’t have gotten that jealous.”

“Jealous? When the heck have I been jealous?”

Chubby laughed lightly. “You never know your true feelings, do you? You're so cute. That’s why even I had a brief crush on you hahaha.”

My face must have been beet red after hearing that. “Asshole! We’re being serious. Stop fucking around!”

“Hahaha, okay, okay. Look. I don’t know if you’re totally crushing on Justus already. But it’s up to you to answer that without denial. You’ve gotta be able to accept who you are. I know it’s hard. But I want you to be open-minded. Before you think about other people, think about your own heart. Ask whether you know yourself well enough to even pry into someone else’s business. To be honest, I don’t really want you to be gay. It could be a tough road. That’s why I’m not pushing you toward that. But if you really like guys—or more specifically, if you really like Justus—I want you to be happy. Like, truly happy with who you are and who you're with. Do you get me, you Camel toe”

I paused. “…Shit. You almost made me cry, asshole. That line alone was like a punch in the gut. Too bad it’s coming from you, and you took a chance to diss me, you bastard.”

“Your damn mouth is so dramatic. Jeez. Be careful or you're gonna make Justus sad,” he said, a little more gently. “Falling in love without realizing it—seriously, take good care of it. We don’t know if it’s real love or not, but at the very least, it’s a good feeling. Just take your time and keep it to yourself, because maybe someday in the future, you’ll figure out that he used to be someone important in your heart all along.”

Chubby could really make me speechless sometimes. Maybe because we never talked this deeply before, I’d rarely seen this side of him. But at least after hanging up, I didn’t regret talking with my best friend.