Pop ate my heart - 2. Chapter 2

I spent the whole day at school, obviously thinking about Brian. I could barely wait to see him again. I was so happy. At the end of the day I went back home and I turned the computer on. I logged in on Skype and I called Brian.

 

"Hey, baby", I said with a huge smile.

 

"Hi", he replied with a voice that didn't match the level of happiness I thought he should be feeling.

 

"How was your day", I asked.

 

"It was normal, what about yours?"

 

"It was... fine. Is there anything wrong", I asked.

 

"Why are you asking?"

 

"Because you are so serious, and I thought you'd be as happy as I am, given the fact that we're together now", I explained.

 

"Well, about that..."

 

"What's wrong?" I was scared to know the answer.

 

"I'm sorry, Michael. I shouldn't have asked you to be my boyfriend, it was a mistake. I feel I still belong to Derek, I tried to love you but I just can't", Brian said.

 

My heart stopped, I started to cry. I tried to control myself in front of him but I just couldn't. I was so happy the previous 24 hours and all of a sudden he was telling me he didn't actually love me after all.

 

"How can you still love him after the way he treated you", I had to ask.

 

"I just... I just love him", he replied.

 

Those words felt like knives stabbed on my back. This couldn't be happening.

 

"Please, stop crying. I can't cope watching you cry because of me", he said.

 

When he said that I wanted to cry even more and I knew I couldn't control myself. I turned off the computer and I covered my face with both my hands. Then, I let myself cry all I wanted. I just lost control of my emotions.

 

"Michael..." my sister said outside my room in a very low voice.

 

I couldn't reply.

 

"Michael, is everything okay", she asked without entering my room.

 

I wanted to say "no" but I couldn't tell her why I wasn't "okay". Nobody at home knew about me, yet.

 

"Mum", she called. "Mum, Michael is crying!"

 

I heard my mother walk fast all the way to my room but she hesitated a few seconds before entering my room. She came in and shut the door after her.

 

"Michael, what happened", she asked me.

 

"Nothing", I replied. "Go away."

 

"I won't leave you like this. What happened? You can talk to me."

 

I didn't answer. I couldn't tell her, no!

 

"Michael, come on... I'm your mother. Is it something because of love", she asked me.

 

I didn't say "yes", but I nodded.

 

"Is it a girl at school?"

 

I shook my head, telling her it wasn't.

 

"Is it a girl you met on the internet", she asked.

 

Once again, I shook my head. She didn't say anything for a few seconds and then she put her hands on my shoulders.

 

"Is it a boy", she finally asked.

 

"Yes", I replied with my voice almost failing.

 

Then, I started to cry even more and I didn't seem to be able to calm myself. It was just too much for me to bare at the same night. She made me stand up and she hugged me.

 

"I won't judge you, you are my son. Michael, love is always complicated... no matter gay or straight."

 

Her words didn't make me feel much better. I didn't care that straight love was complicated or not. I only knew that love with Brian was really complicated and I wanted it to be simple. It could be simple if I could prove him how much I loved him. I knew I loved him much more than Derek. Derek always hurt Brian too much for him to bare, but for some reason Brian was still too blind to see I could offer him a lot more than Derek.

 

"Please mum, I need to meet Brian. I need to show him how much I love him", I begged her.

 

"Michael, you're too young to travel alone. I can't let you go, I'm sorry."

 

"No mum, you don't understand. I love him and he's in love with the wrong person. I need to prove him I love him more than anyone else", I tried to explain.

 

"Michael, you need to calm down. We've got to figure things out now. Do you want to tell your father?"

 

We both sat down on my bed and I tried to think about something else other than Brian.

 

"Yes"; I replied.

 

"Are you sure? I don't know how he's going to react", she said.

 

I had nothing else to lose. If I couldn't be with Brian, at least I was going to relief myself and tell my parents about me being gay.

 

"If he loves me like you do, he'll accept me too", I said.

 

"I know he loves you but... this is complicated, Michael. I wasn't expecting this and I'm sure he'll be even more surprised than I am."

 

*********

 

My mother made me take two or three pills just to make it easier for me to fall asleep. I was laying on my bed under the sheets, looking to my telephone on the bedside table. I was receiving message after message and I knew they were from Brian but I just didn't want to read them. I felt the pills were making me feel sleepy but I wasn't sleeping yet... I was just watching my telephone receiving more and more messages from him. I didn't want to read them because I was afraid of what he could be saying. Also, I was sort of mad at him for making me feel that way. I still loved him like hell, of course! But my feelings and my head were just a huge mess.

 

My father entered the room and he sat down near me.

 

"Your mother told me you have something to tell me, what is it", he asked.

 

"I'm gay", I replied without even thinking. It for sure was the effect of the pills.

 

For a few seconds he didn't say anything.

 

"Well, if you are sure, I can't change your mind. It is your choice."

 

"It's not a choice", I replied almost furious.

 

"I get it, calm down. I might have chosen the wrong words. I didn't mean to offend you", he said.

 

"I'm sorry... I just feel too tired and sleepy, I'm not sure I can tell you everything right now", I said.

 

"Don't worry. We'll talk tomorrow. Sleep well."

 

He closed the door and I received another message on my telephone. I couldn't leave Brian without an answer... maybe he could be saying he actually loved me after all. I pressed the buttons and read the messages. All the messages said basically the same thing, something like "please, answer me, I can't live with myself. Why are you offline on Skype? What happened? Let me know if you are fine! I'm sorry for what I did." I wrote an answer like "Don't worry, I'm fine. Sleep well." I put the telephone on the bedside table again and covered myself with the sheets. I closed my eyes and a tear rolled off my eye.

 

"I still love you, Brian", I whispered.