One Moment - 11. Chapter 11

One Moment

Chapter 11

Matt hadn’t been back at the facility for more than fifteen minutes the next day before he was taken to Dr. Marshall’s office. It had been Mark to pick him up from the hospital so he hadn’t seen the doctor since the afternoon before. He wasn’t looking forward to seeing him, his words from the day before about the two of them having a long talk were still ringing in his head. He did not want to have a long talk, but he knew he owed the man something. After he’d taken him on his word and taken him out to the cabin, no questions asked. The man trusted him, why he didn’t know, but he liked the feeling of being trusted and didn’t want to jeopardize it, not with Mark, and not with Dr. Marshall.

Mark left him at the door after knocking and Matt walked inside to find Dr. Marshall as usual sitting behind his desk. The man smiled up at him and motioned to the chair Matt usually sat in.

“I hear you’re feeling better.”

Matt nodded as he sat down.

“Didn’t feel like sleeping last night though huh?”

Blushing and a little upset that Dr. Marshall knew that as he knew it would bring on questions Matt nodded.

“They said you were writing, I don’t suppose that was in your journal?”

“No sir.”

“Is it something you want to share?”

Matt’s heart beat louder in his chest praying he wouldn’t be made to share it as he shook his head again. He watched with relief as the doctor slowly nodded his head in acceptance.

“Okay, I do hope you are using it to your advantage though, that’s the whole concept behind the journal, to get your thoughts out, and down on paper. It’s proven to be very helpful in the healing process.”

Matt nodded as he had to admit he did feel better, he knew the notebook wasn’t Danny and knew it wouldn’t bring Danny back but at least with it, it was like he had a part of Danny with him all the time.

“I respect your privacy in some instances Matt. I have a feeling you are writing about Danny in that book and I understand why you don’t want to share. Nevertheless, there are some things we need to discuss. There are things you have to let go of before you are going to start feeling better.”

Getting the feeling he was talking about certain things in particular but having no idea what he said. “I don’t know what you mean sir.”

“Well let’s start with you telling me why you ran away from home. Keep in mind that I am pretty sure I already know the reason. But I’d like to hear the reason from you.”

Matt sighed as he ran his fingers along the arms of his chair. “Me and my parents didn’t get along sir,” he said, even though he knew that simple answer wouldn’t cut it with the doctor.

“Ever?”

“No,”

“So you didn’t like your parents?”

Matt looked up at him, “They didn’t like me either.” He said defensively.

Dr. Marshall held up his hand. “It’s okay Matt, I’m not accusing here I’m asking. What didn’t you like about them?”

Moving his hands from the arms of the chair, he folded them tightly together not sure how much he should say. He sat back and let out a long slow breath figuring there was no reason to hide anything. This man was obviously his ally, he knew he was gay, he knew he had had sex for money, he didn’t figure anything else he told him was going to shock him, or get him kicked out, or make the man hate him.

“My mom was nice at first. But when I was about eight, she started drinking. She may have been drinking before that but it wasn’t so bad that it was noticeable. I don’t know what made it get worse, but all of a sudden, she was always drunk. It was like I didn’t exist anymore. She would rather get drunk and pass out than pay attention to me. She went through like five jobs from then on and was fired from every one by either not showing up to work too often or showing up drunk. After the last job, she stopped looking. She was like a permanent fixture on the living room sofa. Either she was too drunk to be coherent or she was passed out cold.”

Dr. Marshall sat back letting the tape recorder do it’s work, completely shocked yet happy that Matt was saying so much.

Matt took another deep breath and settled even deeper into the chair. “My dad was always mean. I don’t think he ever said a nice word to me. He hated me and he told me that often. He hit me a lot, when I was younger it seemed like I was always being punished. When I got older, I learned how to avoid him most of the time. But he had no problem seeking me out if he felt like he had to get some anger out.”

Dr. Marshall noticed the boy shiver slightly and he could only imagine the memories that were coming into the boy’s mind. He was glad the boy was talking but didn’t like the detached way he was recalling his parents. It was as if he was reading a script or something.

“So what was the final straw? What made you decide to pack up and leave?”

Matt shook his head. “There was no last straw; it was just everything that had accumulated. I had had enough. I knew things weren’t going to change and I wanted to make things better for me. I’d already pretty much been on my own since I was eight, I didn’t think it was unrealistic for me to be able to do it away from that house.”

“That certainly sounds understandable given your situation. If you could talk to them today, what would you say to your parents?”

“I wouldn’t say anything; I don’t want to talk to them. I never want to see them again.”

“Not even to tell them that you are angry with them? Or to ask them why they would treat you that way?”

Matt cleared his throat as he gave a slight shake of his head. “Well my mom didn’t treat me anyway. And I already know why my dad was mean.”

“Why?” Dr. Marshall asked confused.

“He hated me.” Matt answered, thinking he’d already explained that.

“But don’t you want to know why he hated you?”

“No,”

“You aren’t at all curious?”

“I may be curious but not enough to ask, and maybe I wouldn’t like the answer.”

Dr. Marshall sat forward thinking that was a topic best delved into a little more. “Why? Do you think you actually did something wrong?”

Matt looked up at the man and nodded slightly.

“But he was always mean, how could you have done something wrong when you were so young?”

Shrugging Matt shook his head again, he’d spent countless hours when he was a kid asking himself that very same question. He’d come up with no answers then and he couldn’t come up with any now.

“Well if you want my input Matt, I don’t believe it was anything you did, or any way you acted. It sounds to me like your father was just an angry man and he didn’t have the decency or sense to not take it out on you.”

Matt cocked his head to one side and looked at the doctor curiously. “Do you think I’m a good kid?”

Sensing Matt had been very scared to ask that question Dr. Marshall immediately nodded. “Yes Matt, I know you are a good kid, beyond good in my opinion. You are polite, you are compassionate, and the more I find out about your past the more I am amazed at how good a kid you have turned out to be.” He smiled as Matt’s eyes gradually widened with each word he’d said.

Amazed at how good it made him feel that the doctor felt so highly of him he felt he had to say something back. He didn’t think such a huge compliment should go without saying anything at all.

“I’m sorry I kept trying to run away.” He looked down for a moment, shook his head then looked back up. “Well not really sorry about that part of it, but I don’t want you to think I hate this place because I don’t. I really kinda like it actually; it wasn’t because I didn’t like you that I wanted to leave.”

Dr. Marshall nodded very pleased to hear the boy say that. “I’m glad you feel that way Matt, because we like having you here.

Matt walked out of the office half an hour later feeling better about Dr. Marshall than he’d ever thought possible. He cursed himself for being scared of him for so long and was actually almost looking forward to seeing him again come Tuesday.

He was relieved when Mark informed him he didn’t have to go to class and immediately went back to bed where he pulled out his notebook and began writing again. Mark poked his head in every 10 minutes to check on him, like the nurse telling him several times he really should be getting some rest.

At about two, he got up out of bed and walked down the hall looking for Mark; he hated to ask for anything but considered his need now a necessity. He found Mark standing at the end of the hallway near Dr. Marshall’s office talking to another staff member.

He stood patiently at the end of the hall for less than a minute before Mark noticed him.

“Hey Matt,” He said smiling. “Do you need something?”

Matt nodded looking nervously at the other staff member, as he really didn’t want to go begging with an audience.

Sensing his discomfort Mark walked away from the other person and led Matt halfway back down the hall before he turned back and looked at him.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Matt said quickly shaking his head. “I just was wondering if I could have another notebook.”

Mark slowly nodded. “I have to bargain with you though; you really need to get some sleep Matt. So what do you say you go back and sleep for a couple hours?” He stopped talking to look down at his watch. “Then at four I’ll bring you a new notebook okay?”

“Okay.” He really wasn’t all too happy about it, he’d run out of paper right in the middle of something important and really wanted to continue the thought. He knew better than to argue though and was glad he’d at least get another notebook even if he had to wait two hours. He supposed he was a bit tired and imagined he could sleep most of that two hours away.

He was again writing feverishly in the new notebook he’d woke up to find on his nightstand when Andy walked into the room at just after five thirty.

“Hey,” Andy said as he walked up to Matt’s bed.

Matt didn’t even glance up, he knew who it was without looking and muttered a ‘hey’ back as he continued to write.

“So what was wrong with you?”

“I just had the flu,” he said, his pen still moving rapidly over the paper. He looked up moodily as Andy sat down on the edge of his bed.

“Usually you don’t gotta go to the hospital for the flu.”

Matt shrugged not about to go into more detail, and certain he didn’t like the guy sitting on his bed.

“You sure did puke a lot.”

Sighing Matt set down his pen and looked up at Andy. “Thanks for the news broadcast, now what do you want?”

Andy’s eyes widened obviously taken aback. “Whoa dude what’s wrong?”

Matt’s eyes narrowed in confusion, not understanding why Andy would be confused about his attitude. “You don’t even like me, why do you keep bugging me?”

Andy shrugged but to Matt’s surprise seemed to be making himself more comfortable on the bed.

“I never said I didn’t like you.”

Before he could stop it, Matt let out a small laugh. “You made enough comments so you didn’t have to come right out and say it.”

“Well maybe I changed my mind.”

“Why would you change your mind?” Matt asked looking at him sideways.

Andy shrugged again. “I dunno, maybe Dr. Marshall’s plan of making us work together so we’d get to know each better worked.” He stopped to laugh a little bit. “Don’t you dare tell him I said that though!”

“You don’t like him?”

“No,” he answered without hesitation.

“Why not?” Matt figured Andy had been there longer; certainly he’d have had to figure out by now that Dr. Marshall was a nice man.

“Too nosey.”

“Well isn’t that his job?” Matt questioned.

“I suppose but it don’t mean I have to like it.”

They both looked to the door as Mark walked in. “You up to no good in here Andy?” He asked casually.

“Nah,” Andy said shaking his head as he stood up. “I was actually being good this time.”

Mark raised his eyebrows and looked to Matt who nodded and shrugged, as surprised as Mark seemed to be.

“You want to get up for dinner or you want it in here?”

“In here,” he said without hesitation, he really felt fine but didn’t feel like getting up and getting dressed, but more so didn’t want to get up and eat with all the other boys. He had to take his alone time whenever he could get it.

He continued to write until his dinner came then wrote until 8 o’clock when it was time for bed. He knew he couldn’t argue over his actual bedtime, but felt tired enough so that he didn’t really want to argue about it, he figured he’d be back to the regular Saturday routine the next day and decided he’d better get a good night’s rest.

By the time Tuesday rolled around, he had earned two more levels and was back up on level three. Not that it mattered; he wasn’t interested in having snacks, didn’t care to watch TV at night, and was always ready for bed at eight. The only benefit it provided was the fact that he didn’t have to go right to sleep at eight. He could use that time to write in his notebooks.

At two o’clock, he was again seated in Dr. Marshall’s office and handed his journal over first thing. He had used about ten minutes of his free time the past four days to fill it out, but still hadn’t written anything really worth reading.

The doctor looked it over then handed it back to him. “This journal idea really isn’t going to work with you.”

Matt took the journal and looked it over then looked back up at the doctor. “Why not?”

“Well because you are writing all your real thoughts and feelings in your other notebooks, it doesn’t leave much left for this one.” Dr. Marshall sat back and smiled at Matt. “But that’s okay as long as I know you are writing things out I can be satisfied with that. And you’re communicating with me better so I see no need to push the issue.”

Nodding Matt had to admit he was very grateful for that. “Speaking of that there’s something in particular I want to talk about today.” It had been on his mind since the first day he had sat in this office and talked to the man, he just hadn’t brought it up since he didn’t figure he would have been believed.

Elated that the boy was willing to start the session off himself, Dr. Marshall nodded eagerly giving him a warm smile.

“I know you think I was a full time prostitute.” Matt spat out before he could lose his nerve. “But I wasn’t. That night at the truck stop was my first time ever trying it. I was always against it. I did it because I felt I had to. I did it because I thought it was the only way to save Danny’s life.” His voice cracked on the word Danny but he cleared his throat and continued. “I know it probably doesn’t make a lot of difference to you, but it does to me and I just wanted to make sure you knew.”

Dr. Marshall leaned forward and put his arms up on his desk running his hand across his chin he let out a long sigh. This was yet something else that told him he had completely messed up with Matt, another part of the boy that he’d read completely wrong. He was damn surprised Matt was opening up to him at all after being so blatantly misjudged by him.

“Well I have a couple things to say about that.” He finally said. “First off, it does make a difference Matt. People do many things out of desperation, things even more dangerous than what you did. And I am very sorry that I assumed otherwise. It wasn’t fair of me and I hope that you can forgive me for that someday.”

Matt looked at the doctor sideways. He hadn’t been expecting an apology and certainly hadn’t expected that he’d have to be forgiving of anything. Sure it had royally pissed him off that first day when he’d been accused of it but he could have argued then and set the record straight, it had been his own insecurities that made him think the doctor wouldn’t believe him. That was his own fault not Dr. Marshalls.

“Wow I suddenly realize why you looked so mad when I was talking about it the first day you were here.” The man recollected out loud. “That certainly would have ticked me off too. I definitely wouldn’t have been able to keep my mouth closed like you did.”

Matt looked at him even more curiously, thinking that he must have mind reading abilities or something. “I didn’t think it’d make a difference.”

The doctor was now the one to look confused. “Why not?”

“I didn’t think you’d believe me.”

Jack Marshall nodded knowing that feeling had to be examined more. “Did I come across as a person that was unfair?”

Shrugging Matt half shook his head. “No I don’t think so.”

“Then why would you automatically assume I wouldn’t believe you?”

“Adults just usually don’t trust kids.”

Rubbing his chin Dr. Marshall nodded again. “Do you see now, though, Matt that that isn’t true? That not all adults are distrustful?”

Matt shrugged again. “I see that with you and Mark.”

“Did you ever see that in any adult before?”

“No” Matt answered firmly having no doubt in his answer.

“You didn’t have a teacher or anyone that you could trust growing up?”

“I had a couple I liked, but I didn’t trust them. I mean I wouldn’t have told them anything I’ve told you.”

“Like about your parents abusing you?”

Looking down at his hands Matt rubbed them together and nodded.

“You don’t think they would have helped?”

“I don’t know sir; I just know I wasn’t brave enough to tell them. I couldn’t take the chance.”

“Did your father threaten you? Tell you if you told anyone things would just get worse?”

Still staring at his hands Matt nodded. He’d heard the threat on nearly a daily basis. His father would say if anyone showed up at the house or called questioning anything; he’d spend the rest of his days locked in the basement starving to death. He was told no one would care; no one would come looking for him because he didn’t mean anything to anyone.

“So you trusted what your father said?”

“Yeah I guess,” he kept his head down knowing that was stupid now, if he didn’t trust anyone else why in hell would he trust the man that he hated so?

Sensing the boy’s shame Dr. Marshall said, “There’s nothing to be ashamed about Matt, you are taught to trust your parents, from the day you are born, it’s their fault they couldn’t be trusted not yours.”

Matt nodded halfheartedly wishing they could talk about something else.

They were both silent for a minute, Dr. Marshall sensing Matt didn’t like the subject and finding a way to change it, he didn’t feel it necessary to constantly grill the kid about his parents. They’d work on his feelings about them but it didn’t have to all be done in one day.

“Do you want to talk about Danny?”

Matt’s head shot up and he looked over the doctor not sure he was ready to speak out loud about Danny but really wanting to try. He had nothing to hide now. The doctor knew they were a couple and he hadn’t seemed one bit grossed out by it.

“Like how did you meet him?” Dr. Marshall asked figuring the boy may need some prodding, as he didn’t seem totally opposed to the idea.

Matt’s shoulders slumped, knowing if he told the story he could get in a bit of trouble but almost wanting to test Dr. Marshall to see what he’d say about it.

“I met him briefly like my second night in town. He was standing with a group of other kids, most of the group teased me, but he was nice. He told them to leave me alone.” He didn’t add that Danny had left the group in the car of a man that was paying him to have sex with him. He didn’t want them to know about Danny. Danny had been far more than a prostitute, that small part of his life didn’t total up to what was Danny.

“We didn’t see each other again to actually talk for a couple of months.” He paused and looked up at the Doctor then spit it out. “I stole an apple.” He held his breath then let it out with relief as Dr. Marshall only nodded and smiled at him encouraging him to continue. “Well the man caught me, he was screaming at me and had me by the arm saying he was going to call the police. Danny came from out of nowhere, he knocked over a whole display of apples, I guess as a distraction. It worked, cause the man let go of my arm. Danny grabbed me by the wrist and we took off, he said he knew a way out of town, that he could get me away from that guy.”

He looked at the doctor and smiled at the fond memory. “That’s when he took me to the cabin. He told me I better stay there a few days; you know lay low for a while?”

Dr. Marshall nodded and Matt continued.

“I had no problem staying there, I know it was a little run down but he made it nice. I’d liked him since that first night on the street, not only because he’d stuck up for me, just I could tell he was a nice guy and of course I thought he was very cute. He shared what food he had with me and we basically just hung out talking and taking walks in the woods for two whole days.”

“By the time the two days were over, I didn’t want to leave, and he didn’t want me to either.”

Dr. Marshall had to smile at the warm smile that came onto the boy’s face. He could see as Matt told the story, even if he hadn’t already had enough clues that the boy was deeply in love with Danny. They hadn’t had any luck on locating the other boy; there just wasn’t enough information to go on. He didn’t want to keep telling Matt that Danny was probably fine, because Matt had already seemed to prepare himself for the worst. In fact, the boy seemed sure of his boyfriend’s fate. He was well on his way to working his way through it, and if Danny was in fact dead Matt did not need false hopes that he may be out there alive and well someplace.