One Moment - 13. Chapter 13

One Moment

Chapter 13

On his Friday session with Dr. Marshall, exactly one week before Christmas, Matt sat in his usual chair and handed over his journal. Even though the doctor kept saying it wasn’t serving any purpose to do one, he still, for some reason, had to do it.

Dr. Marshall read through the few paragraphs and handed the book back. “There’s going to be an announcement this afternoon. Next week is Christmas, as I’m sure you know and the boys here, if they are level appropriate can go home for Christmas Eve and Christmas and return the morning after Christmas.”

Matt nodded though his heart was racing; wondering what was going to happen to him. Certainly they wouldn’t send him home, though the thought did race through his mind.

“Obviously we can’t do that with you,” he said with a reassuring smile as though he’d read Matt’s very thoughts. “Since you are level appropriate you don’t have to be here with full staff supervision. Mark has volunteered to stay here with you those two days and nights. Since it’s not fair you don’t get to leave and get away from all the rules, there will only be basic rules to follow. No point tracking, no earning days, just basic rules of respect.”

Matt couldn’t think of a better way to spend Christmas, well he could of course but since Danny was no longer, he couldn’t think of anyone else he’d rather spend it with than Mark. He’d been dreading Christmas, the year before with Danny had been an absolute dream come true. But knowing he didn’t have to face it with anyone but Mark, his dread about the whole situation was somewhat lessened.

“Were you with Danny last year at Christmas time?”

“How do you do that?” Matt finally asked the long time question that had been rolling around in his head.

“Do what?”

“Always know exactly what I’m thinking.”

Dr. Marshall chuckled. “I don’t always know, I just assume, sometimes I’m right sometimes I’m not.”

“Seems to me you’re always right.”

“So do you want to tell me about it?”

Matt sighed and sat back in his chair. “Yeah” he really did too, he loved talking about Danny and loved the fact he could so easily do it with Dr. Marshall.

“Obviously we really didn’t have any money, but we got a tree, we went out one day about a week before Christmas and found one in the woods and cut it down with an old axe we’d found in one of the cupboards in the cabin.” He stopped to laugh for a second shaking his head. “It had to be ten feet tall; when we got it back to the cabin the only place it would stand all the way up was right in the very center, you know where it went up in the center?”

Dr. Marshall nodded, remembering the A-frame roof of the small cabin.

“We spent half the afternoon getting that thing to stand up. The place was a maze of fishing line. Then we spent the rest of the afternoon collecting pine cones and anything that would look pretty on a tree.” Matt smiled fondly at the memory. “It really looked good. It didn’t have big shiny lights or sparkling ornaments but it was probably like what they looked like back in the olden days before all that fancy stuff you know?” He asked looking up at the doctor.

Nodding again Dr. Marshall smiled at the boy. It was easy to see how very much the story he was retelling meant to him.

“On Christmas Eve we went into town with about five bucks that he had saved for special occasions I guess. We went to the grocery store and got some hot chocolate, some hamburger and a couple of potatoes. He said we were going to have a Christmas feast.”

“The next morning when we woke up there was a lone present under the tree. I didn’t think he’d get me anything, and I sure hadn’t gotten him anything.” Matt reached up and touched his neck, his eyes growing moist. “He was so excited for me to open it. So, guilty as I felt for not having anything for him, I went and got the package. It was wrapped in old newspaper.” He said choking out a small chuckle. “It ended up being something for both of us. Two chains, identical with a pendant heart on the end half of it on each chain.”

“I lost mine.” He said slowly as a silent tear slipped down his cheek which he quickly wiped away. “That night at the truck stop, that man musta ripped it off, cause when I woke up in the hospital it was gone. I asked them if they had it but they said I hadn’t had it on when I came in,” he stopped talking and took a long deep breath trying to get his emotions under control. He didn’t want to break down bawling in front of Dr. Marshall, he saved that for the only time he was truly alone each day, when he took his showers.

Shaking off his emotions the best he could he continued on. “After the present we put them on each other, made ourselves two cups of hot chocolate then went and sat back by the tree. We couldn’t exactly talk about Christmases past, happily anyways, so we decided to talk about the future, the ones we’d have together. Of course there would be more money, our tree would have actual lights, and underneath would be full of presents.” He stopped to let out another small chuckle. “We even listed stuff we would buy for each other if we had money.”

“We stayed there all day long in each other’s arms. That night, well afternoon we lit the fire outside and made our big feast.” He looked up at the doctor, a lazy smile on his face and shook his head. “I think that was the best meal I ever had.”

Dr. Marshall smiled back at the boy, having rarely heard a story so touching. “That sounds like a very nice Christmas. Sounds like you and Danny had a lot of great times together.”

Matt nodded, as he looked out the window, willing to do anything to get Danny back. He knew it was impossible, no matter how he wracked his brain or how much he wished, Danny would never be able to come back. It didn’t stop him from wishing though.

As Dr. Marshall had said, the other boys and the other staff started leaving about noon time on Christmas Eve. With no scheduled activities that day, Matt hung out on one of the sofas in the living room writing in what must have been his fifth notebook.

He was so intent in what he was writing he didn’t even notice that Andy had come into the room until the other boy said his name. Matt looked up at him and smiled, seeing Andy’s back pack on his shoulder and figuring he was getting ready to leave.

“I hope you have a good Christmas Matt.” Andy said smiling back at him.

“You too Andy.” Matt had grown to actually genuinely like the guy over the past couple of months. He wasn’t sure what had changed Andy’s negative attitude, he doubted it was he himself as he claimed, as he didn’t believe anything about him would have such a profound impact on anyone. He didn’t really need to know the reason though, he just liked the result, and it was very nice to have a friend.

“It sucks you have to stay here.”

Matt shrugged. “I’m actually kinda looking forward to it; I really like Mark, I’m sure he won’t let me get bored,” he said with a small laugh.

Andy laughed right back and pointed down at Matt’s notebook. “As if you care about getting bored, you’d spend 24 hours a day writing in those notebooks if you could.”

“Yeah maybe,” Matt chuckled, “But either way I’m not dreading staying here.”

“Okay, well you have a good time and I’ll see you in a couple days.”

“Okay Andy, you have a good time too.”

Andy turned and walked away muttering, “With my mother I’m sure it will be a blast.” This got Matt grinning as he watched Andy disappear around the corner into the hallway.

About a half an hour later Matt looked up again as Mark plopped down on the other side of the couch he sat on. The man crossed his arms over his chest and let out a long sigh.

“What?” Matt asked nervously, suddenly afraid Mark was upset that he had to spend two days there with him.

Mark let out another dramatic sigh and looked over at Matt. “Well I sure was hoping you wouldn’t sit here all weekend and write.”

Matt’s lips turned up into a smile and he quickly closed the notebook and set it on the coffee table, now that no one else was there he felt safe just leaving it out, he trusted Mark, he knew he wouldn’t go peeking at it. He almost didn’t even care if Mark did look at it, he didn’t feel that way about anyone else but for some reason he wouldn’t mind if Mark read his most private thoughts.

“You sure you don’t mind staying here with me?” He asked wrapping a hand around his stockinged foot that was up on the couch in front of him, which was allowed as long as you didn’t have shoes on.

Mark put his elbow up on the back of the sofa and rested the side of his head on his hand as he looked the boy over. “You aren’t going to ask me that every five minutes are you?”

“Well I just imagine you’ve got family of your own, won’t they be upset if you aren’t there?”

Mark shook his head. “Let me let you in on a little secret Matt, no other student here knows so you have to keep this between us okay?”

Matt nodded, intrigued about whatever Mark was going to tell him.

“Back about ten years ago, I was a student here. I came here like you did. I didn’t have any family; a social worker brought me here.”

His eyes widening, Matt sat back against the arm of the sofa incredibly shocked to hear that news, somehow though it just seemed to make everything make more sense. All of a sudden he seemed to get a much better understanding of why he and Mark got along so well. They had something in common, something no other kid there had with Mark.

“Where were your parents?” He asked hoping he wasn’t being too nosey but really wanting to know more.

“They died when I was real young. I grew up in foster homes, I went through about six by the time I was sixteen. None of them worked out; at the time I thought it was because of me, I thought there was something about me no one could like.”

Swallowing hard Matt nodded as he’d felt the exact same way for a very long time.

“I got pretty messed up.” Mark continued. “I started drinking and was pretty heavily into drugs. I’d do anything to get the money, including breaking into houses and stealing stuff. I, of course, got caught and they sent me here. It changed my life; I finally got to see that it wasn’t me, that Iwas worth something. I stayed here about a year and when I got out I turned my life around, I never touched drugs or alcohol again, I applied myself in school, even got an associates degree at the local college in behavioral management.”

“So you knew then, you wanted to come back here and work?”

“No I really didn’t have this place in mind when I chose that career path, I mean I had it in mind as far as what I wanted to do, it was a place like this that I wanted to work at, I just didn’t figure I’d come back here, to the same house I’d stayed in.”

“’Cause you didn’t want to?”

Mark shook his head, “No it just really never crossed my mind. I worked at a few other places but it just didn’t seem right. I didn’t like the way they did things and the more I tried to change it the more I got in trouble. I was at two other places before I came back here.”

“I’d sent out tons of applications but I never made it past my first interview, places like these, they require a background check. They’d see one look at my record and tell me to have a nice day and I’d never hear from them again. I hadn’t even sent in an application here, I guess they heard I was looking because they contacted me.”

“How come you didn’t?” Matt asked thinking it had surely crossed his mind by the time he’d been through two other jobs. “I mean was it ‘cause you didn’t like it?”

“No not at all, I guess I just didn’t want to come back here, I felt like maybe I couldn’t make it anywhere else if I had to come back here.”

“I don’t see that.”

Mark tilted his head to one side and studied the boy.

“What do you mean?”

“Well those other people didn’t know you, they didn’t give you a chance, which was definitely their loss. These people did know you and they wanted you. So to me it seems like more of a compliment, not a failure.”

Mark smiled, “That’s an incredibly good way to look at it Matt, kinda funny though.”

Matt chuckled. “Why?”

“Because you can look at it from the positive side about me, but you don’t ever seem to be able to do that for yourself.”

Matt put his chin down on his knee and shrugged. “Well it’s easier from an outside perspective.” He lifted his head back up and smiled softly at Mark. “So you don’t have anyone? Not even a wife or girlfriend?”

Mark grinned. “Not at the moment. I broke up with my last girlfriend about three months ago. I think maybe I like being single. Some people just aren’t set up to be half of a couple. I’m okay with that, I like doing what I want when I want to do it, if I feel like going home and just lazing in front of the TV I can. Besides I like spending all the time I can here with you guys. I don’t feel alone at all.”

Matt nodded, his mind wandering to the future. “When I get out of here, will we still see each other?”

“As long as I have anything to say about it!” Mark said smiling. “You want to keep in touch?”

“Of course I do!” Matt answered without hesitation. What he most wanted was to be able to live with Mark after he got out, but hearing what Mark had just said about liking to be alone he knew for sure he’d never ask, even if the thought had crossed his mind once or twice before.

Mark smiled incredibly glad to hear that, he knew he was going to miss the hell out of Matt when he left but didn’t want to impose as much to come right out and ask if they could keep in touch, he had thought Matt may want to cut all ties and start fresh.

“So what do you want to do for supper? We can order out any place you like or stay here and cook ourselves a fancy dinner.”

Matt thought about it for only a second. “I’d like to try and cook up a fancy dinner.”

“That sounds great to me.” Mark patted Matt on the knee and stood up. “Come on let’s go see what we can dig up.”

In the kitchen Mark opened the fridge and looked inside. “Oh wow, Janet left us out a nice roast for tomorrow,” he said seeing the beef roast in there with a note on it that said ‘Merry Christmas.’ Not seeing much other meat in the fridge he walked over to the freezer and started listing off all the choices he saw inside.

When Matt didn’t say anything to any of the choices he turned and looked at him. “None of that sounds good?”

“Can we just have junk?”

Mark laughed. “What do you mean?”

“Like watch movies and have like errr…” Matt paused and put his finger to his lips. “Chicken wings, chips and dip, crap like that.”

Mark nodded and turned back to the freezer he pulled out a surplus size bag of chicken wings. “We have teriyaki steak on skewers too, you want some of those?”

“Oh yeah!” Matt said excitedly very happy Mark was willing to go with his plan.

It didn’t take them long to prepare everything they needed for the evening pig out, after the dip was made and the meats were layed out on cookie sheets they went into the living room and picked out every Christmas movie they could find to watch for the rest of the day and the next day.

They were on their third movie, the coffee table in front of them an array of mostly eaten junk food when Mark happened to look over at Matt to see tears streaking down his face, tears the boy was furiously trying to wipe away but they kept coming as fast as he could wipe them.

Mark moved a little closer to him and put his arm up over the boy’s shoulders. “Matt you okay?”

Matt nodded, sniffling and still trying to wipe his eyes. He didn’t know what had suddenly come over him. He just couldn’t help picturing that it should be him and Danny there doing what he and Mark were doing now. They’d talked about it, even planned it for the future, for when they had money. He had thought sitting there and doing that with Mark would make him happy, would somehow take some slight place of what was supposed to have been, but all of a sudden it just gave him a terrible feeling of loss. To sit there and do something he knew he’d never be able to do with the one he truly and deeply loved.

“I’m sorry,” he shook his head as his voice broke, just wishing he could stop crying.

Mark’s own heart was breaking seeing Matt so upset, he had a good idea of the reason and wished he could make it better, though he knew now, for Matt, the only way to make it better was to bring Danny back, and there was no way to do that. Instead he wrapped the boy tightly in his arms and held him.

“It’s okay Matt, you don’t have to apologize for crying, everyone does it. Just let it out, it might make you feel better.”

Matt shook his head against Mark’s chest, “It won’t.” he sobbed. “I cry every day, it never gets better.”

Mark narrowed his eyes in confusion, as other than that one time in the isolation room, he’d never seen Matt cry. “When?”

“In the shower.”

Mark held him a little closer his heart aching over Matt’s pain, he’d had no idea Matt cried every day, had really thought Matt was starting to get over Danny. He realized at that moment that perhaps Matt and Danny had shared a love that was just never possible to fully get over. As short as it had lasted, Danny had made such an impact on Matt’s life that Matt would never be able to forget. He knew the pain could still lessen, but felt it was going to take a lot longer than a few months.

He knew there was nothing he could really say to suddenly ease Matt’s pain so he stayed silent, holding the boy close until his tears subsided.

When Matt’s tears finally dried up he slowly pulled away from Mark and looked up at him. “I’m really sorry,” he said feeling even closer to Mark than he already had, just from the minutes that the man’s arms had held him, comforting him. It had felt good, despite the fact it had increased his tears.

Mark smiled at him and squeezed his shoulder. “There’s nothing to apologize for, I mean it Matt, and you shouldn’t have to cry all alone. Sometimes it feels better to let someone try and comfort you.”

Matt nodded as he sniffled. “That did feel pretty good,” he said with a lazy chuckle.

Matt woke up the next morning to the sound of Mark saying his name. He slowly opened his eyes to see Mark still in the next bed over, his eyes bright and a big smile on his face.

“I thought we was gonna sleep in?” he questioned groggily.

Mark chuckled. “Well how late do you consider sleeping in?”

Matt wiped at his sleepy eyes. “I don’t know, 10am?”

“Look at the clock.”

Looking over at the clock Matt saw it was already nearly eleven. “Oh my God!” He said in disbelief. They had stayed up until nearly 1am the night before, but still, he couldn’t believe it was that late.

“Besides it’s Christmas and I’m excited to get up.”

Matt laughed, having never seen an adult so excited about Christmas. “I am really looking forward to that roast.”

“And that takes a few hours to cook. So we better get started.”

Sitting up, Matt threw back the covers on his bed feigning the same excitement Mark was showing. He thought it was fun, and with Mark he didn’t feel silly. “Well geesh let’s get at it!” He got up out of bed, started walking to his bureau then stopped and looked down at himself. “Hey! Let’s stay in our pajamas all day long.”

Mark, who’d just gotten out of bed himself, looked down at his red and green flannel pajamas, a pair he’d bought just for the sleepover as he usually slept naked and shrugged, figuring both their pajamas were modest enough for it to be appropriate for them to keep them on all day. “Sure I don’t see why not.”

They left the bedroom but as they walked down the hall to the kitchen, Mark stopped Matt and led him into the living room and up to the tree. Matt looked down below the tree to see five wrapped gifts under it. He took a deep breath, his emotions overwhelming him and looked up at Mark.

“You got me presents?”

Mark smiled and nodded.

“But I didn’t get you anything.” Matt said feeling guilty.

Mark laughed. “I don’t expect you to Matt. And you have given me one of my most memorable Christmases. To me that is one of the best presents I could ever get.”

Matt tilted his head to one side then slightly shook it before he walked forward and wrapped his arms around Mark. He’d never initiated a hug with him or anyone else in the place, he felt a little funny doing it but also felt if anyone deserved one it was Mark. “That’s kinda corny,” he said, the side of his face pressed into Mark’s chest.

Mark chuckled as he wrapped his arms around Matt. “Why’s it corny?”

Shrugging in the man’s arms Matt couldn’t really say why. “Besides Christmas just started.”

“Well already, including yesterday, it’s one of my most memorable experiences.”

“Cause of all my crying?”

Mark laughed again and squeezed Matt even tighter before he let him go. “Just cause of all of it! Now open your presents!”

Matt smiled up at him then turned back to the tree. He got down on his knees in front of it and pulled out the first present.

After opening a watch, a couple of new shirts, a pair of really nice sneakers that he was sure even all the rich kids there would be envious of and a couple DVD’s of movies he’d said he liked, he gave Mark another hug, thoroughly pleased with each and every one of his presents.

They lazed around the rest of the day in between preparing a huge meal that they both sat and enjoyed about six o’clock that evening.

When Mark woke up the next morning Matt wasn’t in his bed. He panicked for a minute, the thought of Matt having run away flashing in his head, though the more he thought about it the more he realized that was silly. Matt liked it there, that was obvious and the boy no longer had anything to run away too.

He got himself out of bed and checked every room; it wasn’t until he walked into the classroom that he found Matt sitting in front of one of the computers.

Matt looked up and saw him and quickly covered the screen.

“What are you doing?” Mark asked grinning.

“It’s a secret, and what are you doing up so early?”

Mark laughed, glancing at the modem by the computer, he saw it wasn’t even on and that let him know Matt couldn’t be doing anything wrong as there was nothing located on the hard files of the computer that would be something he couldn’t look at. Though he doubted Matt would do anything wrong in the first place. “I usually get up about this time.”

Matt grinned sheepishly. “Oh, I thought you maybe slept a little later.”

Mark nodded figuring he’d let Matt continue to work on whatever he was working on. “Why don’t I go make breakfast? What do you want? You better make it good; it’s the last few hours of freedom here.”

Matt shrugged, too involved in his project to really be able to think about food. “Do you have a specialty?”

“A specialty?”

“Yeah something you make really awesome?”

“Oh,” Mark said chuckling. “Well I think so, okay I’ll make that and I’ll let you know when it’s ready.”

Matt nodded, suddenly feeling guilty again about making Mark do the cooking. “I’ll clean up, I promise,” he called after him before he returned his attention to the monitor and his hands to the keyboard.

Half an hour later when the house filled with the smell of something heavenly Matt printed off his work. He got up and retrieved it from the printer then rolled it up diploma style. He opened one of the cabinets that was reserved for arts and crafts supplies and took out a long piece of blue ribbon. He tied it around the paper and after a few tries manage to form it into a bow.

By the time he got to the dining room Mark was just putting a plate of bacon on the table that was already set with a large stack of pancakes.

“You all done?” Mark asked noting Matt had one hand behind his back obviously concealing something.

Matt nodded and took at seat at the table while Mark sat down across from him. He pulled his hand out from behind his back and held out the rolled up paper across the table. “I made this for you, it’s not much but I wanted to make it.”

Mark smiled at him, his heart filling up with warmth as he took the paper and undid the bow. He unrolled the paper to find a pretty blue background with clouds and several paragraphs written out, centered on the paper under the heading ‘My Wonderful Friend.’ As he read the words that Matt had written about him, he had all he could do to keep his own tears at bay. He’d never in his life read anything so touching, let alone something that was about him.

When he was done he took a deep breath praying his voice wouldn’t break as he spoke. “I love it Matt, this,” he said holding up the paper, “is the best Christmas present I ever got, heck it’s the best present I ever got!” He rolled it back up, unable to get over what an incredibly sweet thing it was, but not surprised it had come from Matt as Matt was proving to be one of the most incredibly sweet kids he’d ever met in his life.