Reflections on not being sad - 1. Chapter 1

Reflections on not being sad

By WL

I am not really sad. How can I be sad? I am usually at the front of everything pushing on without rest. There is nothing to be sad about. Yeah, it must be the weather or something.

It's really cloudy outside; I want to crawl up into bed again. Just sleep away my day and hope tomorrow will be better. I mean why does anyone have to do anything at all? There is no meaning in the actions like going out to a mall with friends, when you don't buy anything or really care about the small talks. I don't really care much if Jack and Mel split up or Phil was arrested on the road with his stash of pot. They're all my friends, but I don't really care. It doesn't make me sad. Maybe, it's because I do not have a job and I am waiting to hear back from offers that don't call back.

I am tired of waiting for the phone calls on jobs that will never really materialize. I am just tired of fighting and waiting, but I am not sad. How can I be sad? People are worse off me than me. At least, I have a roof over my head. I can fill my belly full every day; if I felt like eating.

I don't feel like eating anything though, because I'm on a diet. Can't eat that steak, can't eat that starch filled rice, or anything else too sugary. I use to like eating that, but I am on a diet now. No more fats or food I like. It doesn't make me sad; it is just good health. I never smoke or drink anymore; even back then I rarely did it. I need to change my life and improve myself. It should be better for me to get in better shape for going boyfriend hunting, again.

Many different guys are looking for different things. Some guys you can tell just want to have sex and others you cannot, because they start off so sincere. Really, the cute smile and the easy banter should be clues that nothing good can happen. I use to like the thrill of asking out a guy and seeing where it'd go, but I don't feel like doing it anymore. It doesn't make me sad to not find a good guy. I know not everyone is perfect and couples are hard to find.

So I'm not sad, but why can't I feel happy? If I can feel so much in my heart, then why can't I feel it in reality? Is it really Depression or am I just beyond caring about the simpler things in life. I can look at mankind in the grand scale through four thousand years, which seems to be the only thing that amuses me nowadays. A war happens here, a political coup occurs there, and lovers exchanging eternal vows that end in moments or a few paragraphs in the book of time. Really, am I the only one that feel excitement drawn only from this?

If I were god, then I guess I might be depressed as well with life. There is nothing really needed or desired if I were such a being. If I were god, the only thing I'd be able to gain a slight amusement by is watching man's attempts through time to improve with success and failures; it's the only thing that doesn't seem mundane.

If I can be amused at the world so large, then why am I not feeling anything for the world of my own life? I don't think I am sad; I really can't complain.