There All Along - 1. Story

He’s finally seventeen and going on his first date. Damn, I’m so proud of him my chest could burst like an overfilled balloon. For once, I can actually say that I really like the guy he is going out with for dinner and a movie. He treats him like he deserves to be treated, like how Josh treats him, the way that he has treated all the others losers that he has been with before, with respect. Like I said, I’m damn proud of him.

Looking back over the past four years it has been a real challenge for Josh, his mother, and me. All three of us have had our highs, our lows. So much like a roller coaster with its up and downs, its sudden jerks when starting and stopping, and through it all, we managed to survive.

I remember back when he was thirteen like it was just yesterday. I laugh now, but at the time I thought it was the end of my world. Regret tells me now that it wasn’t about me and my image, but it was about Josh.

“Dad?” Josh asked passively, like a child who doesn’t know how to tell his parents that he’s done something wrong.

He sat down across from me, slouching back into the soft leather chair, letting it absorb his body until he felt as if he was just part of the chair. I was relaxed in my favorite leather chair pondering over the next clue in the paper’s crossword puzzle.

Whenever Josh comes into to talk to me here alone, in the security and safety of the study, he usually has something heavy on his mind.

You know, the important stuff that we all go through when we are thirteen. What do my friends think of me? How can I get this girls attention? Am I going to survive the humiliation during frosh week when I start Junior High soon? Do I really have to take a shower after gym? Pretty heavy thoughts for a teenage boy, still, the same stuff that all boys fear, question, ponder when they are thirteen.

“What’s up Josh?”

Tearing my eyes away from the checkerboard puzzle that is always challenging, I try to give him my full attention. A gentle smile, a quick wink., things to assure him that I will always have time for him when he wants to talk something over, knowing full well that won’t last forever.

He stops studying his clasped hands, trying to choke the life out of some imaginary demon that is in his lap, and looks up at me. Looking at me, eye to eye, he pauses and presses his lips tightly together. I notice the stress in his brow which has made his usual separate black eyebrows into a nasty looking unibrow.

“There’s something that has been bugging me for quite a while. I have been trying to figure it out on my own, but have come to figure I need your help. It all came to a head last night.”

Realizing that this has him in more turmoil than most of the trivial things that bring him in here to talk to me, I get up slowly feeling some of his weight pressing down on my whole body and softly walk over to kneel in front of him and meet him eye to eye.

“Josh, you know that is what I’m here for, don’t ya?” squeezing his knee slightly for extra reassurance, just a touch that anyone needs in his current state of mind.

In a soft voice, much like he is about to reveal his deepest, darkest secret, “Well this is kinda big, if you know what I mean.”

Barely able to hear his voice, gravely like he has some sandpaper rubbing on his vocal chords in his throat, I lean in closer to reassure him that I’m there.

“I was over at Ted’s last night for a sleep over, and something happened that really has me confused. After we finished watching a DVD, we decided to climb into bed like we have been doing for the last six years. I’m always on the inside, against the wall, and you know how I always been one to sleep on my back? Well last night, I popped a woody and Ted noticed it right away.”

I smiled like a Cheshire cat when I recall the uncomfortable, but honest talk we had a year earlier all about the side effects of being a growing teenage boy.

“I know you and I have talked about that happening, and I have joked with Ted about it as well but he really scared me!”

I looked closer and saw the fear in his face. The tension had spread from his brow to his entire young features. The fear had created contours that seemed so foreign on his face. All I could think of was an image in a mirror at the funny house down at the carnival. He usually looked like I did at his age, chiselled chin, small red lips, bright hazel eyes in shallow sockets shaped somewhat like almonds, but I was seeing a face that I had never seen before.

“Go on, Son. What did Ted do that scared you?” Realizing I was grasping his knee pretty hard, trying to squeeze the demon that escaped from his hands a moment before, I eased up my grip. When Josh was in pain, I was in pain.

“Well,” he reluctantly began. “He rolled over and he accidentally touched me down there. He knew instantly what it was. He jumped out of the bed and pulled me out of the bed by my leg and called me a fag,” the tears started like a persistent drip from a tap that wasn’t sealed properly when shut off. “He told me that he was no longer sharing his bed with a faggot. I tried to joke it off, but he wouldn’t listen to me. He started in on a rant about how he notices that I seem more interested in him, than the girls we hang out with. That he has thought I’ve been a queer for the past while.” Gasp, “He told me to get dressed and get the hell out of his house and never to come around again.”

The tears turned into sobs and more gasping for air like he was being choked off from the oxygen around him. Josh at this point was pressed as far into the chair as possible. Feeling Isolated, scared, ashamed.

Shocked and stunned I blurted out, “Josh, you didn’t come home till this morning. Where were you? Why didn’t you come home? We could have talked it out.”

When he got his gasps for air under control, he told me that he just walked around all night thinking. Wondering. Asking how this could happen.

I reached out to grasp him in a hug. He felt cold and was shaking like a leaf in a hurricane. I tried to ease his pain, but no matter what I did, he continued to shake.

“Why would Ted say those things to you?” I asked.

Although he seemed to look at me like I had just asked the craziest question in the world, he seemed to eventually get himself under control. Deep breaths, slow and methodical, gradually calming the storm that was evident in his eyes.

“Dad, I’m gay.”

Wow. Three words stopped my world at that moment. In a moment of time I suddenly forgot about my commitment to be the best dad, to listen to my son, to help where ever I could. To help him become the best man he could be.

My son is gay!

How could this happen? We put him in sports, we exposed him to all the things that all our friends with boys did. Where did my wife and I go wrong? Was it that Julie gave him too much attention, did she baby him too much? Did I spend too much time at work and not give him the masculine influence that he needed to grow up normal?

My anger started to build, like a little tingle in the pit of my stomach, it grew, as I began to think of what my co workers would say, what my friends would say. Hell, Ted’s Dad was my best friend. We’ve known each others since high school. How could Josh say this? How could he become one of those?

I got up and walked out of the study. I knew if I opened my mouth now, I would say some things that no thirteen year old should hear from his old man.

Suddenly, as if I had just swam the English Channel, I was tired. Exhausted would be a better word. My entire body ached with the pain that I had a son that was not normal. How? Feeling totally drained I unconsciously made my way to bed, praying that I could wake up in the morning and realize it was a dream.

As I softly walked into the bedroom, Julie was already in bed. She was turned on her side, facing away from me but I could hear the sobs coming from her.

Damn, he’s already told her.

I stripped off my clothes not really focusing on where I placed them and slid in beside Julie. She rolled over on her back, tears streaming down her face, looking like her world had ended too, and gasped, “Jim, where did we go wrong?”

There was nothing that I could say that would ease the pain she was feeling. I imagined my house on fire. Knowing that my wife was inside, yet unable to do anything to help her, feelings surged through me that made me realize there was nothing that I could do for her.

Then it suddenly dawned on me, there was nothing I could do to ease Josh’s pain either.

Josh.

My son.

My only child.

Jumping out of bed, my bare feet hit the hardwood floor with a hollow thud, and anger instantly changed to regret.

Racing down the hall to the study, needing to find Josh there, my mind was going a hundred miles an hour, but not at all surprising to me, he wasn’t there. Turning on a dime, my legs which were so exhausted moments earlier, carried me down the hall to his room, powered by nothing but adrenalin itself. Entering his room, he was in bed, curled up in a ball looking much like a baby in a womb, alone, cut off from the world around him.

Sitting on the edge of his bed, he seemed to stop crying for a second. Realizing atonement was necessary for my mistakes just moments earlier, taking a deep breath, pausing only to get my thoughts in order, I began. “Josh? It’s been a long day for everyone. I’m sorry about the way I reacted. I was shocked. I was scared. I basically lost my mind, but know this. You’re my son. I love you. I will try to understand. I will try to help you through this. I will not fail you, Son. I will be with you whenever you need me. That is my promise to you.”

With a squeeze of his shoulder, this one more comforting than the grasp that resulted earlier on his knee, I noticed for the first time in the last while that Josh wasn’t crying. He had a smile trying to break out at the corners of his lips. Too much had happened tonight to bring out his bright smile, but seeing this gave me more hope than I had felt over the last hour.

Things would be alright.

In the roller coaster of life this was definitely the first huge drop after the steady and slow climb up to the top of the coaster. When we went over the precipice, it was straight downhill. Not only were we unsure if we could let go with our hands and scream at the top of our lungs as the air rushed by, but we knew there was more to come.

Looking ahead there is always the 360 degree, upside-down loops. The ones that have your knuckles hanging onto the bar, gripping for your life. The ones that turn your insides into a big mess of goo, the ones that make you lose any change that might be in your pockets

That was fifteen.

School had been rough for Josh since that night around a year ago. Ted hadn’t even waited twenty-four hours to out Josh to the school. Many days Josh would lie in bed, hiding under the covers, afraid of the monsters that were out there and refuse to go to school.

Julie was very supportive of Josh and his current state of depression. She knew what to say to him that I couldn’t form into words, and eventually got him to start going to school again.

Surprisingly things weren’t half as bad as Julie, Josh, and I thought they would be. He had a very supportive faculty who had zero tolerance for harassment and did their best in preventing or protecting Josh from the verbal abuse that is inherent in Junior High.

When everything seemed to be going okay, Josh had a new circle of friends who were supportive of him, we started to let our guards down, and then that is when it happened.

Josh wasn’t up at the breakfast table on a Saturday morning, and Julie and I thought nothing of it. Josh always liked to sleep in on weekends and missed breakfast most weekends. I actually envy him for his ability to convince his mom to let him stay in bed.

It was around ten when the clock sounded and it was about time my lazy, good-for-nothing, nocturnal son got his butt out of bed. Everything seemed normal as I walked softly down the hallway to Josh’s room. I was wearing my socks so they absorbed any sound of my footfalls upon the floor. Figuring I’d have some fun with Josh, my approach was very stealth like.

Slowly, trying to hide any noise which would give away the element of surprise, I slipped through the door that I carefully opened only enough to let me inch my way between it and the jamb. After closing the door without even a click and giving my eyes time to adjust to the lack of light, I began to inch my way closer to his bed.

That was when I knew something was wrong. Josh was on his left side, facing away from the door not moving. Beside him, scattered on his blanket were lots of tiny pills that could have been confused for candy if it had been Halloween, and Josh had been ripping through his loot to get a sugar fix. Unfortunately, recognition came instantly when I saw the opened, uncapped prescription bottle that I knew were my wife’s medication for her insomnia.

Panic gripped me as the realization dawned on me that Josh had made himself another statistic of an already alarming rate of teenage gay suicides. Having lost any hope of surprising him in fun, I leaped frantically onto the double bed that seemed to become a king size by the length of time it took me to try to roll him towards me. He was cold and wouldn’t budge. Even though I wanted to call out to Julie for help my voice was lost in the complete state of panic that I was experiencing.

Then something came to mind that somehow been lost in the moment. How could he not budge? Like a cool breeze had suddenly blown through the room, my whole perspective began to change. He wouldn’t budge. I sat back on the edge of the bed, my back pressed up against the wall. It was then that I fully realized that his breathing was still there.

Deep, slow, but there. The reason he wouldn’t roll was that he didn’t want to roll.

“My God, Josh, are you okay?”

He didn’t move at first. Then I noticed the slight movement in between his shoulder blades as they began to contract and shake. Ever rapidly, the shaking increased until he was crying uncontrollably. Not knowing what the hell had just happened, I was left numb and without feeling. Part of me wanted to scream out in relief that he was alive. Part wanted to yell my head off at him for scaring me in a way he hadn’t done in his entire life. Lastly, part of me wanted to hug him and tell him everything would be okay.

Before I could react, Josh rolled over onto his back. Laid out prone with his eyes squeezed shut in a futile attempt to stop anymore tears from escaping his eyes, he slowly began to regain control of himself.

“Dad,” he barely was able to squeak out.

He reached down with his right hand and felt some of the pills with his finger tips. Gently picking one up he opened one eye and began to focus on the pill. Finally his expression changed to anger. Flicking the pill across the room like a beer bottle cap, it hit the wall by the closet with barely a sound.

He grabbed another pill and began to examine this one more intently.

“I was too weak to do it.”

He dropped the pill beside him and rolled over on his right side and seemed to look up to me.

“I couldn’t do it, Dad,” he explained in a very subdued voice. “I wanted to. I tried to. I just couldn’t. Life isn’t supposed to be this way, is it? Every time one of these pills got close to my lips, the image of the hurt and pain on your faces appeared in my mind. It kept me from sliding the first pill onto my tongue.” A slight pause, then, “I kept trying to build up the courage, the strength, just to move my hand another inch and get the first one into my mouth. I’m so weak.”

In a sudden burst of anger and a sweep of his arm, all the pills and container went flying off the bed.

“I also realized that if I did, then you and Mom would be experiencing the pain daily that I endure. Even in my worst mood, I couldn’t do that to you guys.”

With those final words of strength, a strength that I never knew if even I possessed, he decided that his parents’ happiness was more important than the instant relief of the pain that he endured day in and day out without us even knowing.

“Josh,” I whispered. “Don’t ever forget that your Mom and I are here to help you carry the pain.”

“We love you, Josh. We need you. We can help you work through things, and we will never turn our backs on you. Don’t forget that, Josh. We’re here for you always.”

A slight smile began to crack against his reddened face.

“Dad,” he began. “I know you love me and that love is what saved me from myself.”

With that, he rolled back onto his left side, facing the wall. With a huge sigh, he slipped back into a peaceful sleep.

Easing myself off the edge of his bed, I considered gathering the sleeping pills and bottle, then figured that he would probably want to do that himself and then have a talk with his mother.

Ever so quietly, I eased myself out of his room, much like not so long ago when I had been sneaking into his room, not even aware that I was so close to losing my only son.

Josh began seeing a psychiatrist after his suicide attempt. After several visits though, the doctor surprised us when he told my wife that he felt there was no need to see Josh anymore. It seems the event had resonated into a survival instinct deep within Josh that he was confident would override any future attempts to end his life. The doctor did not feel he needed any medication or further visits as his inner strength, and his knowing of the unconditional love of his parents, would prevent any further thoughts of suicide.

The car we were riding in began to slow again as we approached another climb. Looking back now, with the clickety-clack of the wheel brakes hitting the levers as we began our ascent, we should have known what goes up, eventually must come down.

The next year Josh started High School. I have never seen him so excited in his life. Over the summer he found out that his new school had a GSA club which was very active. His mom and I were looking forward to his continued growth and development as a strong gay teen.

He really hadn’t started dating or seeing anyone yet at the age of sixteen. He would tell me that he was sure there were other gay boys out there, but they just weren’t early bloomers or as smart as him. He took things like that in stride.

After the first week in High School, we started to get worried.

Josh had showed up at the first GSA meeting the second day at lunch. That was the day that he met Tyler.

Tyler was seventeen and a senior. He was fully out at school and actually seemed to flaunt his gayness. He was about six feet tall, only weighed in at about 140 pounds, and wore all black. His straight black hair hung limply on his head with the bangs covering his right eye. Unfortunately, his most shocking feature though was his acid tongue.

Josh was attracted to him for all the wrong reasons. Tyler had some of the things that Josh so desperately desired. He was out and open, something that Josh envied from that first meeting. He also looked up to him for the way that he could verbally abuse anyone who even looked at him in a way that Tyler didn’t like. Tyler didn’t put up with anyone’s crap; instead he dealt it out more than he received it, intimidating people. Josh, who throughout Junior High had relied on being himself and not letting the fact that he was gay influence the way he acted or treated others, actually was quick to change the subject if it ever came up at school.

Tyler’s influence was immediately noticed in Josh’s behaviour. Our once gentle, caring, open and honest son was morphing into a surly, stubborn, rude teenager.

We probably could have dealt with this change on its own, but it was more the way that Josh had become submissive to Tyler’s wants and needs that was the real concern.

Josh confused that since Tyler was paying attention to him, that he cared for him. Looking back it was more like Tyler was using the pretty freshman as his new toy. Josh would ignore our requests and only do what Tyler told him to do. He would sit at home like a prisoner, locked in his room on the weekend until his cell phone would ring and then he was gone without a word to Julie or I.

We were pretty sure the relationship hadn’t progressed to sex yet, but the writing was definitely on the wall.

One month into school Julie was sitting in the living room, the book she was trying to read abandoned on the floor beside her, instead she stared out the large bay window waiting for Josh to come home on a Saturday night. I was pacing the house, climbing the stairs, walking aimlessly, checking in his room, doing anything to distract my mind from what he was out there doing with Tyler. The worry was beginning to take its toll on Julie. She wasn’t eating, wasn’t sleeping, and did not have the drive or will to maintain her usual life.

Not really noticing the time, we both must have eventually dozed off into a restless sleep, Julie on the couch, me against the stairs in front of the door.

After awakening the next morning, Julie appeared to be of a different mindset. I could automatically see the resolve etched into her usually smooth features, and the ‘don’t piss me off’ look that Josh and I have never tried to challenge.

It was around noon, when we both heard the front door creaking slightly as the person entering tried to get inside unnoticed.

Josh looked like crap. It appeared that he hadn’t slept all night, the bags under his eyes giving away the story. His clothes were rumpled and looked liked they needed to be changed. The undeniable stench of cigarette smoke mixed with pot seemed to be oozing out of them. His shoulders were slumped forward and he seemed to be not totally aware of what was around him.

Trying to get to him to give him a hug and assure him that everything would be alright, I was actually happy that Julie beat me to him. Stopping about a foot away from his dishevelled figure, she caught his eyes in a lock that any sane person would not ever dare to break.

“Upstairs to the study, NOW!” commanded Julie

For a brief second, Josh looked like he just might come back with a smart ass retort or just outright defy her. Seeing the anger and disappointment painted across Julie’s face erased that thought pretty quickly. Resigned that the unavoidable discussion had finally arrived, he toed off his shoes and started to make his way to the stairs. Not lifting his sock covered feet, choosing instead to drag them across the hardwood floor, he made his slow ascent of the stairs.

With Julie right behind him, and me not too far behind, he stopped at the top of the stairs and looked to the right where I’m sure he considered the safety of his own room.

“Don’t even start to think about it,” barked Julie.

As he entered the study, he made his way instinctively to the leather chair that he had occupied so many times before whenever he and I had a chat of a serious nature.

Moving to sit in my chair, Julie surprised me when she went over and sat down, only using the edge of the seat to reposition her body to stare down at Josh. Both Josh and I looked at her surprised, she had never sat in my chair but was obviously making a point that she was in charge this time.

“Josh,” she began. “Before you even consider opening your mouth, you are going to sit there and listen to me. Until I decide I want to hear what you want to say, keep your mouth shut and your butt parked in that chair. If you think this will go on any longer, just remember, I brought you into this world, and if you don’t do as I say, I’ll bloody well take you out of it!”

Wow. Never had I’d seen Julie so angry with anyone. Realizing that now would be a good time to keep my mouth shut, I stood in the carved frame of the doorway and let Julie take the lead.

“This has been going on too long. Just what do you think your father and I are thinking about you right now?” she questioned.

“You have always made us so proud of you. For the first time in my life I am actually ashamed to call you my son. Your actions and behavior over the past month have been absolutely troubling. Do you even have an idea what this is doing to our family?” Julie’s voice began to rise more and more.

“Last night, I sat on the couch in the living room, scared to death. I remember seeing the clock around four in the morning and you know what the last thought I had was before I dozed off due to exhaustion?” she looked at him pointedly. “Is my son dead? Yes, that was my thought. Before you speak up lets get some things straight. First off, I may be ashamed of you, but don’t you ever forget that I’ll always love you,” Julie’s voice began to ease and cracked and she finished off.

“I know that you haven’t had an easy go of things the past few years, but does that justify you just turning your life upside down and trying to destroy this family because of the first guy you meet? I know that you have been longing for someone that you can have as a boyfriend, but do you really like the person you’ve turned into now that you are seeing Tyler?”

The pain now evident on Julie’s face was being reinforced by the slow decent of tears making their way from her tear ducts, down the side of her cheek, to fall from her chin to her arms resting on her legs.

For a moment it looked like Josh was going to say something, for his sake he actually squeezed his lips together to mute any retort, and actually began to look down in shame.

“Josh, Tyler is using you. I know you don’t want to hear this, and I know you probably believe that I don’t know what I’m talking about, but you have to understand that it is so obvious to anyone who knows you. You go to school, and if Tyler wants you to, you hang out with him. Other than that, you sit in your room, dark and sullen, and wait for Tyler’s beck and call before you do anything. Josh, do you like this new life? You have always been independent. Hell, if it wasn’t for your independence, I really don’t know how you would have survived the past four years.”

It was then that I noticed tears falling from Josh’s face, ever increasing in their rate as his head hung in defeat from his slumped and forward shoulders.

“What do you have to say for yourself Josh?” Julie questioned in a much softer tone. Realizing that her words had finally broken through the barrier of stone that he had erected around himself, Julie eased into a much more compassionate tone than just moments ago.

As Josh lifted his head, the tears subsiding, he inhaled a deep breath and tilted his head back, looking up to the ceiling as if looking for an answer to be written up there.

Looking back at Julie, meeting her eyes much the same way she had met his at the door, he began.“You don’t have to worry any more, Tyler is gone.”

I’m sure with those words if there were any mosquitoes in the room they would have flown into the gaping holes that were our mouths.

“Josh, what happened?” Julie enquired with a very compassionate tone to her voice.

He looked over at us and looked like he was a big mixed bag of emotions. We could see anger, resentment, vulnerability, confusion, and despair all in his features.

After pondering Julie’s question, he began, “First off, I want to apologize to you. Everything that you said to me, Mom, is all true. You didn’t deserve to be treated the way I have been treating you and I won’t be surprised if it takes you a long time to forgive me.”

“I know I have let you and Dad down in so many ways over the last while. How I will ever gain your trust again, I’m not really sure.”

“The reason I did not come home last night wasn’t because I was with Tyler the whole time, but more so that I was too ashamed to come home and fess up to you that I have screwed up. What makes it even worse, was that I choose Tyler over you after all you have done for me.”

He took a deep breath which expanded his lungs, then nosily began the slow release.

“I went to a party last night with Tyler. It was to be my first ‘all gay’ party and I was somewhat excited that Tyler asked me.”

“We went to this house across town, and immediately I got the feeling that I shouldn’t go in. The neighborhood was run down; many of the houses were barely standing and were boarded up, the owners long gone and the houses neglected. The house we went to still had its doors and windows, but most of the siding was falling off and the lawn was just a mass of weeds. As we approached I could smell smoke coming from the house, and I knew it was pot.”

“I was reluctant to go in, but Tyler had me by the hand and told me to relax. He told me to quit acting like a freshman and just have some fun for a change.”

Now that he was into his story, he began to slouch back into the chair, trying to become part of it again. The old Josh was slowly coming back.

“When we went in, there were six other guys there and they were all sitting around on the floor as there didn’t seem to be any furniture, passing around a bong and getting high. Tyler sat down immediately and grabbed for the bong, he didn’t even take the time to introduce me. I stood back and watched these guys smoking up, and thought about leaving.”

“I finally started to make my way to the still opened door when Tyler realized and decided to introduce me to the others. They were all seniors like him, and I have seen some of them around school before. One of the guys that was more stoned than the others, if I could really tell that, said it was time for a game. Truth or Dare was the game.”

“I sat down by Tyler, as he was giving me a dirty look, and I didn’t want to piss him off. The guy who suggested the game told Tyler to go first, truth or dare? Tyler without hesitating said dare. The guy got a big smile across his face and told Tyler he wanted him and his freshman meat to suck him off.”

Josh’s eyes began to moisten up when he said this. Even though he was sixteen, it was very evident by his emotions that he still wasn’t ready for sex yet.

“Everyone started cheering as the guy started undoing his belt and popped his button fly. Tyler got on his hands and knees and began to crawl towards the guy. He stopped suddenly and turned his head back to me and told me I could be a wimp and not do it, or I could join in on the fun.”

You could have heard a pin drop in the study as we held our breath, hoping against hope that Josh didn’t go through with the dare.

“I looked at Tyler and when he saw that I wasn’t ready for this, he just laughed and called me a freshman wimp. I got up to go as I knew at that point Tyler had chosen the other guy over me. One last look before I left the house had Tyler’s head buried in the crotch of the other guy, obviously not caring if I stayed or went.”

The tension in the room that was very noticeable seemed to evaporate immediately. Josh put his head down and began to stare at his lap as if it was the only thing he could bare to look at.

After several minutes of absolute silence, Julie broke the silence.

“Josh, you have just made me so proud of you. You could have done what Tyler wanted you to do and thrown away everything that your dad and I ever taught you about right or wrong, but no, you didn’t give into peer pressure.”

Julie got up and walked the few paces hurriedly and wrapped Josh into a full embrace. I could hear sobs coming from Julie, but the look on Josh’s face nearly made tears come to mine. He looked like he had just won valedictorian by the pride he had on his face. He had made the right decision and knew that his parents would be proud of him.

When Julie pulled back, with tear stained cheeks, she asked “But where were you all night?”

Josh pulled his mom back into the hug and told her how he was as confused as when, so long ago, Ted had kicked him out of his house, and his life. He explained how he didn’t know how he would face the parents after he had caused them so much grief.

He then told us how he remembered having a conversation with me the morning after that night and remembered that if anyone could forgive him, and love him, and help him, it was his parents.

We all turned into blubbering idiots for the next few minutes. The relief, the happiness, the joy was overwhelming.

Josh continued to heal from his experiences with Tyler over the next year. He dated occasionally, but didn’t really find the right guy for him. It seemed that most of the other gay teens that he met were either too far in the closet for his liking, or too out and only looking for sex. Josh seemed okay with this and after many times hearing from his mother to be patient, he finally met Phil. They are the same age, seemingly have had a lot of the same experience, namely Tyler, and were both looking for the same thing, an honest and respectful relationship.

It was like the rollercoaster had finally finished its run. It appeared that it would be smooth sailing from here on out. We would all be fools to really think that, as we know that in life, we would just be getting off this coaster, and begin to line up for the next.

The one greatest regret that I still harbor goes back to Josh’s twelfth birthday. We had planned for weeks to join Ted and his family to go to an amusement park, where, much to the chagrin of the wives, the four boys would be riding every coaster in sight from the time the park opened, to the time it closed.

That was the plan as I was driving home from work late on the Friday night, the night before his big birthday bash.

I don’t know if my mind was distracted with thoughts of the fun we would be having the next day, or thoughts of how nice it would be pig out on food that Julie would usually put an embargo on from coming into our house, or just how lucky I was to have a son that I was so proud of, my mind was definitely elsewhere.

As I approached the last traffic light before turning down our street, I still remember the light being green for my way. The music was playing softly on the radio and my mind was occupied with tomorrow.

The drunk driver coming the other way didn’t hit the brakes, didn’t notice the red light. He probably didn’t realize something was wrong until his truck stopped after slamming into my driver door at about eighty miles per hour.

The last thing I remember that night was how I was never going to be able to tell Josh how much I love him, how I was looking forward to him growing into a man, and most importantly how I would always be there for him.

© 2008 Wildone

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