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Not An Addict- K's Choice Breathe it in and breathe it out And pass it on, it's almost out We're so creative, so much more We're high above but on the floor It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alive If you don't have it you're on the other side The deeper you stick it in your vein The deeper the thoughts, there's no more pain I'm in heaven, I'm a god I'm everywhere, I feel so hot It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alive If you don't have it you're on the other side I'm not an addict (maybe that's a lie) It's over now, I'm cold, alone I'm just a person on my own Nothing means a thing to me (Nothing means a thing to me) It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alive If you don't have it you're on the other side I'm not an addict (maybe that's a lie) Free me, leave me Watch me as I'm going down Free me, see me Look at me, I'm falling and I'm falling. It is not a habit, it is cool I feel alive I feel... It is not a habit, it is cool I feel alive It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alive If you don't have it you're on the other side I'm not an addict (maybe that's a lie) I'm not an addict...

While I've done my best to be as transparent as I possibly can with all of you. I can't honestly sit here and say that I haven't been lying to myself, because with every alarm that’s to wake me for the beginning of the day, I proclaim: Today will be the day I don't get alcohol, I swear to God, and by all that is good and Holy, I MEAN IT! Then as my work day comes to a close.... All I want is that one sip, that luscious taste hitting my tongue. The sweet bitter goo going down my throat, and I must say, now that I'm here, I never thought I'd become addicted to this ball of sludge. And really, that's what it is. My father struggled with this, but he'd never care to admit it, but he followed in his own father’s footsteps as well. This has been a generational curse that has consumed at least half of my family. I honestly thought I was stronger than them, that I'd never go down this road to alcoholism. Over these many months it has robbed me of everything I’ve held so dear, and I have no one to blame but myself. This has, at least in my eyes, taken many things away from me, such as, my ability to write, as I’m sure is blatantly obvious. I’ve also robbed my readership of that consistency as well, and for that I’m ever sorry. Even as I sit here in this present moment in time, and for once, I didn’t get anything to shove down my throat until it knocks me out for the night. I can honestly say that I still have the urge to have a drink. It’s a constant reminder even when I put up my fists and say, ‘NOT TODAY DAMNIT!’ I wholeheartedly want this cycle to end, truly and honestly. I know it would be easier to take that drink, I know this. But as this psychological warfare continues, I grow ever weaker. Today, or should I say, another attempt, is my first day without a drink. Yes, I’ve said this many times now, it’s a constant struggle and yet, here I stand again, trying to be transparent and hope that this time, yes this time, will be the last. I can only hope and pray.

I am always studying addiction. It is a science that far too may people think they have figured out. The reality is a lot more complicated. This is Whiskers the rat. I bring Whiskers into this discussion because almost everybody is familiar with the famous experiment where they put a rat in a cage with easy access to cocaine and the rat goes ape shit and does cocaine until he dies. The obvious things most people think about this experiment is that holy shit, cocaine is awesomely addictive. Another conclusion might be that rats aren't that bright. Some other scientists said- wait just a minute. You put a rat in a cage with nothing to do but cocaine. No rat gyms, no rat clubs, no rat buddies- just cocaine. So... is it the rat or is it the cage? That's a pretty awesome question. I think any addict might be fascinated with it. The experiment with a richer cage- one with things to do and rats to see- was quite different. The rat left the coke alone. It hung out with his rat bros. It ran around the hamster wheel. It talked to his rat buddies about what a sell-out slut Minnie Mouse is. It did all sorts of things but it didn't do cocaine until it died. That's a much better outcome for Whiskers. It also raises some interesting questions. Is it the addict or is it his cage? People are a lot more complicated than rats. So are our cages. Our cages aren't made of wire. They are a product of culture, family, religion and environment. When the rat said fuk that coke shit, I'm hanging with my bros, he was connected to something. In this case we might call it community. Anyone that has ever seen hard core addiction up close knows that is something that takes place in isolation. You can't stay up on a coke bender for a week at a time and hang with grandma. You can smoke crack in public. We call it anti-social behavior because most people don't want to be around that sort of behavior. They don't want to be around addicts. Addicts are disconnected in many ways both subtle and gross. The more advanced the addiction, the less connected they are. It's why so many people over dose and die because they use when no one else is around. I don't know what this means in terms of rehabing addicts. I think it is sort of obvious. The way we try to help addicts clean up is to connect them with a network of supportive people. That is one of the basics of 12 step programs. It's interesting and raises lot's of questions. Here's the article- it's well worth checking out. The Likely Cause of Addiction Has Been Discovered, and It Is Not What You Think SO.. just remember...

My writing has never been what I would call really inspired. It has been fun, cathartic on occasion and sometimes I'll come up with something I'm really proud of. In the past I've written stories with conspicuous drinking and drug use. As I was in active addiction for a lot of my life, that's my experience, I couldn't write normal kids playing baseball and living in non-dysfunctional families. I wouldn't know where to start. The feedback that I've gotten from Redemption is one that has really been gratifying and humbling. I think I REALLY hit a nerve with it. Going forward, I am going to address recovery. Specifically, I'm going to address the issues that young GLBT people face in recovery. Like the conflict between the 12 step higher power and the negative experience with religion many GLBT people have. Like the Lambda AA/NA groups that make many young people feel like a mackerel in a shark tank. Like going to a 12 step program and encountering homophobia Judging from what I've been hearing from people about Redemption, there is a lot of interest there and, maybe it can do some good.