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The long road to recovery

podiumdavis

Entry posted by podiumdavis

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While I've done my best to be as transparent as I possibly can with all of you. I can't honestly sit here and say that I haven't been lying to myself, because with every alarm that’s to wake me for the beginning of the day, I proclaim: Today will be the day I don't get alcohol, I swear to God, and by all that is good and Holy, I MEAN IT!

 

Then as my work day comes to a close.... All I want is that one sip, that luscious taste hitting my tongue. The sweet bitter goo going down my throat, and I must say, now that I'm here, I never thought I'd become addicted to this ball of sludge. And really, that's what it is. My father struggled with this, but he'd never care to admit it, but he followed in his own father’s footsteps as well. This has been a generational curse that has consumed at least half of my family. I honestly thought I was stronger than them, that I'd never go down this road to alcoholism.

 

Over these many months it has robbed me of everything I’ve held so dear, and I have no one to blame but myself. This has, at least in my eyes, taken many things away from me, such as, my ability to write, as I’m sure is blatantly obvious. I’ve also robbed my readership of that consistency as well, and for that I’m ever sorry.

 

Even as I sit here in this present moment in time, and for once, I didn’t get anything to shove down my throat until it knocks me out for the night. I can honestly say that I still have the urge to have a drink. It’s a constant reminder even when I put up my fists and say, ‘NOT TODAY DAMNIT!’ I wholeheartedly want this cycle to end, truly and honestly.

 

I know it would be easier to take that drink, I know this. But as this psychological warfare continues, I grow ever weaker. Today, or should I say, another attempt, is my first day without a drink. Yes, I’ve said this many times now, it’s a constant struggle and yet, here I stand again, trying to be transparent and hope that this time, yes this time, will be the last.

 

I can only hope and pray.

7 Comments

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C J

I can't say anything about alcoholism, but I know that lots of people have struggled for lots of reasons.  I'm not anybody special, but I do a lot of thinking, and I read almost constantly, about important things, and one of the things that sticks in my mind is that people struggle and fail all the time, over and over.  The one's who keep struggling and failing are the ones who end up succeeding.  They say it's because they never stop trying, that persistence guarantees eventual success.  I believe that as much as I believe anything.  So, there's what I have to say.  Hope it helps.

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joann414

Alcoholism is a sickness and is hard to conquer alone.  If you think professional help is needed, there is no shame in that.  But if you need  moral support, I am here.  Humility builds strength. There is a lot of people here that care.  Don't hesitate to pm one of us.  Hugs!

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MikeL

Don't hesitate to join Alcoholics Anonymous.  They have an amazing track record and it's all about alcoholics helping each other avoid the temptations.

 

My family has a history of alcoholism.  My father broke that cycle and I am forever grateful.

 

You can start a new tradition.

 

I'll be praying for you.

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Arpeggio

As an addict heading back to rehab myself, I know that "want" so if you ever want to talk about it, you can email me.

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Yettie One

I admire your honesty. 

That desire to find a way to freedom is the fire that will keep you striving. It is tough to beat addiction of any sort.

Smoking, drugs, alcohol.

Yet you know what you want, and have faced up to your demons. That is the start on this long road of recovery.

Keep holding on to that hope bud. One day!

:hug:

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podiumdavis

Thanks for all the support. It means a lot. In real life, I hate disclosing such details, because ultimately it makes me feel weak. I think this lies with being a man, I don't know. Nor do I like asking for help either. So it's a big step for me, personally, to be so forthright. But I felt maybe some accountability was in order, to share my struggle, to see if any thoughtful advice, tactics could be applied. I appreciate it, truly. :)

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