So here's the thing. (YEAH it's gonna be a long thing just to warn you guys)

I currently attend college about 70 or 80 miles away from the small city in which I grew up. I attended a very preppy private high school, and loved it. I have no complaints worth making about my childhood. BUT here's the thing. It's true what they say about the gossip factor. And given that my high school/city/circle or whatever is fairly small, everyone really is in everyone elses buisness. I don't have issues with my sexuality, nor do I feel the need to apologize for anything. BUT at the same time some of my closest friends and some members of my family just plain could never comfortably accept it. I don't blame them in the least, nor does it really bother me. They're simply a product of their background and culture (Deep, conservative South). They don't understand it, and never will. And I really don't care, I don't doubt for a minute that these people love me and care about me. Which actually means that it'll be really hurtful and confusing for them. I have certain friends that I just could never imagine "hating me" for it, but at the same time could never like, accept, or even really tolerate it. SO it's not an issue in that I don't need their approval, and I'm also a fairly "compartmentalized" person, I share some stuff with some people, and other stuff with other people, and no just because I don't share this with some people I DON'T feel like I"m living a lie, or like I'm not really close to them. I can understand other people feeling that way, but it isn't the way I feel. Everything we talk about and do is real, I just avoid the topic altogether. Besides this isn't everyone, I probably have as many close friends/family members that could deal with as that couldn't, it's just I'm not willing to hurt the ones that couldn't.

Anyway the thing is literally the majority of my high school class came to school here. So even though I don't see many of them that much anymore, and could probably just level with the ones I've kept up with. It would still eventually get back to my home town. Which I think would be even worse than if I'd just come out to everyone. So basically I've never felt comfortable trying to date here. I wouldn't want to/be willing to "hide" a relationship, and it really wouldn't be fair either.

Well actually that wasn't so much of a problem until a few months ago. Until then I'd pretty much been totally disillusioned by the whole romance/love thing anyway, BUT I reassed my priorities, sorted alot of junk out, and came out of the whole thing with a kind of bubbley idealistic enthusiasm which I hadn't really experienced in quite sometime. I mean I've always been a fairly happy, optimistic, cheerful person. But I'd always tinged it a little with a grimmer, cynical, more realistic side especially where romance concerned (and no I never had a really bad experience or anything, I just gradually got disillusioned seeing once happy couples split up). I pretty much decided "screw it, I want to be happy and enthusastic about life. I want to just see the good." and so I went ahead and let my more negative, cynical qualities fade away. Anyway point is now I'm really into the whole romance thing, and actually pretty darn optimistic about my chances of finding some terrific guy to spend the rest of my life with. Add this to the fact that I graduate in May and plan to move somewhere new for grad. school, and you'd think everything was looking up, and mostly problem free. I mean all I have to do is bide my time a few months longer right?

Well it's not quite that simple. For starters I'm majoring in psychology/sociology, and now pretty much think I don't want to do anything with either. I'd always wanted to be a psychologist, but I don't think I'd be able to keep enough "distance". I mean I think I'd just want to get up and hug the person and be their friend, which may not exactly be the best thing for a therapist. As for sociology, well all I could do with basically is teach sociology, which wouldn't be that bad, but probably not THAT fulfilling either. So anyway I'd always fancied myself a writer anyway. I really enjoy the whole creative process. So I thought "ok, I'll go to grad school for English or creative writing or something, get a degree, get a job which uses it, and write recreationally on the side". The only problem is deadlines are coming up REALLY fast and I need to have some stuff written to send in, and what I make up for in creativity, I more than lose in discipline. Simply put I've got tons of ideas, but not enough attention span/work ethic to actually turn them into anything substantial. Which of course makes me doubt rather I'd ever be suited as a writer anyway, but more imminently is likely to keep me from completing something within the deadlines.

Anyway, the way I was planing to sort this out was. I'd still move to my city of choice, sit out a year and just work, hopefully find time to write on the side with less pressure, and VERY hopefully find a good relationship while I"m at it. Well this is almost perfect. There's just one snag really; I'll feel horribly guilty about it. See my immediate family consists of my mom, grandma and grandpa (the three of whom raised me), and my aunt and cousin. Well my grandparents are getting up there, 80 and 84. And my grandmother has alzhiemer's (wish I knew how to spell that, someone feel free to correct me), which is very difficult for my mom, and grandfather (who literally still has a better memory than me) to have to put up with. Then there's the issue of my Aunt and cousin. My aunt kinda slipped into this like lowgrade (I think lowgrade,,,,maybe not ) depression a few years back, and basically quit working and lived off of her credit cards all this time. Well now it's catching up to her, and while my grandparents offer occasional support, she's too proud to actually let them know the extent of her troubles, and as such could become homeless at any time. Then there's the fact that my cousin won't go anywhere near my grandmother, because a few years ago (yes YEARS ago) my grandmother said something insulting to her and she's never gotten over it. And of course her mom uses that as an excuse to also stay away from my grandmother, since she always gives her a hard time about the whole economic situation. So basically my family's got a lot of problems/potential problems, and I hate to run out on them. Plus most all the burden will fall to my mother to look after everyone.

So today I talked to her about it (not about all this, just the general fact that I was planning to move). Just casually like "I wanna go visit the state over the break and maybe try to pick out an apartment". Anyway I never really expected her to try to "stop me" I mean she hasn't really tried to stop me from doing anything since before high school, I just expected her to mention reasons why I shouldn't. Or maybe even lay on a slight guilt trip (which wouldn't have been hard). But instead she was like "yeah that's a good idea", and words to that effect. SO basically I'm thinking the only reason she's saying that is because she's already pretty much figured the samethings I figured, and thinks it's the best thing for me. Which really just makes me feel guiltier. Plus I really think if anyone's going to get my cousin to quit being such a spoiled brat about this, it'll have to be me. We used to be really close as kids, more like brother/sister in some ways than cousins. So I think I might have to just sit her down and tell her to "pull her head out" and get on with life. But on the other hand it's risky in that she doesn't take criticism well, and obviously is good at holding a grudge, I really don't want to alienate her. Especially since she's the only other person in my family I'd be likely to come out to anytime soon. Either way I'm just going to have to try to talk to her about it before I move.

Anyway sorry this was such a long one. I guess I just wanted to rant a little. Have a great day everyone and take care!

Kevin