It is often very difficult to put into words what you feel. I am better at this with poetry. But, simple hard truths are never really my style. I like them the way I like hungry lions, caged and at a distance, preferably with a loaded gun in my hand. Yet, sometimes it becomes emphatic to tell the truth. And then it becomes hard.

For years I have worn many masks; Masks of happiness, of humour, of grandiosity, of known lies and unknown truths. But, beneath all that garbage, lies a scared boy and a vain man and a chimera of sorts, made of all the failures and loses that life puts you through. I hide my true self beneath the said masks because, I fear the naked skin underneath that is vulnerable and raw.

Right at this moment, as I am writing this, my self preservation systems are shutting down my brain and my hands are not following my command. My mind is going blank. I thought, I am capable of putting this out, putting my bleeding heart on a plate. But, clearly as always I misjudged myself. May be some other day.

Just a little info, I think I am in love with a certain someone, I am not telling whom, so don't ask. And I am afraid, terrified, petrified that if he knows, he will or will not return my feelings. But, if he does, it will end up as a failure sooner than later. And I will be alone once more and the darkness will eat me up whole. That is the subject of my recurrent nightmares, that have pushed me to the end of my sanity. I'm tired of going through the same dream of acceptance and then eventual harsh rejection or worse. It is curious to note that, my mother, who is a lovely lady and the queen of my heart, figures prominently in these dreams, and more often than not, is the source of the discordance, direct or indirectly. Even funnier still, is the fact that she always leaves me at the end of the nightmare. Abandoned by my mother and my lover, I finally drown in heretofore unknown depths of despair and languishment.

It is very unlike me to remove my masks and let my rotten carcass breath the air. But, the nightmares have become unbearable, and I want the routine to end. So, I have chosen to make this public (which is also a part of the inner fear). Hopefully, it will end here... or not.