It's a new year, so I guess it's time to look back on the old one.

For me, the dominant theme was my continued grief process into accepting Steve's death. It wasn't every day, like the end of 2013 was, but there were moments where things would just flare up every month or every two/three months. I still don't feel like the same guy I was when Steve died, and I haven't quite let go of the idea that I was supposed to have met up one day with Steve in our 50's, at our old favorite college bars, and have a chat with him over my favorite beer.

It's shaped me- I'm a little sadder, a little less of a cheerful person, but I wouldn't trade the six years I had Steve as my brother for anything. I really wouldn't. I can say that for six years, I had a friend I knew I could talk to in the middle of the night about anything, and who knew everything there was to know about me when I was 21 to 24 and still liked me anyway. There are people who never experience that, and I'm so glad that I did. We never had a "t.v." kind of friendship, you know, where there were all these crazy hijinks and big moments. It was just a bunch of little moments- which sadly I didn't really take the time to take pictures of (save for one) because I always knew that Steve would be around no matter what, even if it was just at the end of a phone call.

I don't have that anymore, and I miss it a lot, but I know I've moved on. Seeing Steve's parents, seeing his old high school friends, and mourning with the people who loved him really helped me a lot. Most of the people that knew Steve aren't in Delaware anymore...so I had to give people second-hand accounts when I tallked to them. And as well-intentioned as they were, they viewed Steve through the lens of "Oh, this was some 27-year old idiot who died from a drug overdose." I needed to be around people who loved him, too. I was disappointed that I missed the formal memorial, but again...I had this whole t.v. image of how it was supposed to go, and it didn't happen, but in the end I made the connections I needed to make when I was there. There is nothing that means more to me than the moment when Steve's parents came up to me and told me they felt like they knew me, because he had talked about me so much. Ditto for when Steve 's dad said how much they loved the picture I took of Steve- so much so that they enlarged it and put it in a frame.

I needed that. I really did. It helped me realize that this wasn't some bad dream, and that I wasn't just imagining this...being so far removed from the "grief hub" made it easy to feel that way. Life is absurd and strange, and it really was that weekend I went up for the memorial, but it was absurd in a way that made think about the fact that while 23-year Me as well as the person that Steve brought out of me were gone, there's still a lot to go and things to learn and do because I still have my entire life ahead of me.

As for the employment stuff, I won't deny I'm still angry about my internship crashing and burning, and being demonized by people I thought I could trust. But I got through it, bit by bit...volunteering with Newark History Museum helped...working odd-end jobs helped...so I feel good. In any event, it wasn't like 2013, where I had a paying job for exactly the first week of that year. I was actually employed for the bulk of the year.

I've finished my Holiday retail jobs, and I'm about to get back on the interview train...we'll see where things go. I'm getting to a point where I'm thinking seriously about going back to school- either to get a PhD in history, or maybe another master's degree, this time in urban planning. I'm going to give myself the end of 2015 to make a decision about that. I do think, and have the feeling, that I'm on the right track, but we'll see if it pays off this year.