I truly think that Mark Twain said it best...

"A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory."

If that's the case...I wish my memory was a lot worse than it is now, because 'a clear conscience', I'll never have. And yet, I don't see that as a bad thing. Never have, never will. The truth is...I had to grow up at some point. And, yes...I made PLENTY of mistakes! I have plenty of regrets. Lost friends, created enemies, and made a lot of bad choices for selfish reason. But...you know what? It made me who I am today. And the mistakes I make tomorrow will make me who I plan to be in the future. And I'm ok with that. Growing up is a process that never ends, no matter old you get or how firm you think your hold on reality is. I embrace that. I'm happy with who I am as a person, flaws, scars, and all. And I like to bring those lessons that I've learned the hard way into my stories and attribute those imperfections to my characters in an attempt to reach out to others who may be going down that same road without even realizing that they're making the same mistakes that I once made. Maybe they can see a piece of themselves in the fiction and correct course before they go over the cliff, you know?

But...how do I manage to do that as a writer? How can I tackle the themes of self reflection, harsh consequence, and the idea of a person who's trying to find a way out of a pattern of thinking and behaving when it's such a part of what they believe is their natural personality...without having my readers just...hehehe...absolutely fucking HATE them???

After years of dealing with this, I wish that I could tell you all that I have found the secret formula to giving flawed characters a chance to redeem themselves and keep reading, regardless of their endless frustration. But that wouldn't be anywhere close to being the truth. I still get angry emails on occasion over stories that I wrote years ago! In fact, I often have to go back to whatever chapter they site as their breaking point so I can even figure out what they're talking about half the time. Just to try to find a connection and maybe get some kind of understanding for their outrage. But, the fact of the matter is...I allow my characters to be flawed. Some, I deliberately write that way in order to teach them something during their journey from the beginning of the story, until the very end. And there's a reason for that.

I just want readers to understand that I'm not writing a certain character a certain way...just to piss them off. That's not why I do it. (Well...hehehe except for "Billy Chase" Book 6...but more on that in a second!) My 'memory' reminds me what it was like to be lost in a few dark places in the past. I remember those mistakes. I understand why I have those regrets. And so I regress to put my main characters back in that mindset so that I can use my story to show readers how I was able to get out of that void and back on the right track. Not an easy road to take...but if they'll just be a little patient with me for a little while...maybe they'll be able to understand why I made the creative choices that I did with the characters, and how it works to bring the story together as a whole.

Patience seems to be like a really difficult thing to ask for these days, I know...but I'm going to keep doing it regardless. I've got something somewhat important to say here.

I think the most dangerous and risky part of writing a flawed or unlikable main character is preparing, and ultimately dealing with, the immediate backlash of it all. I won't lie to you...it can be hurtful. It is a corrosive ACID to your creativity and your writer confidence when you're getting an inbox full of angry comments...saying that your main character is so 'stupid', and an 'idiot', and having them judge and condemn him or her...chapter after chapter after chapter...without end. I'm not going to tell you that it doesn't hurt, even when you have a plan in place to redeem that character in the long run. Because it most certainly does. I can't tell you how many comments I've had, telling me, "FUCK this story!!! I'm not reading it anymore!" or "What an idiot! He makes me hate this whole series now!" Oh man...there have been times when I just had to close the laptop and walk away for a while. Hehehe! But, at the end of the day, you just have to try to have faith in your talent and remember that an angry response is better than no response at all. At least you affected them in some way, you know?

People who never read your story again is one thing. But people who go out of their way to TELL you that they're never reading your story again? Don't sweat it. They'll be back. They won't be able to help themselves...so brush that bullshit off of your shoulders. K? The biggest curse isn't criticism...it's silence. Keep that fact close to your heart.

Once I learned to let go of the emotional attachment to what some folks were writing to me in frustration and anger, I was able to have a dialogue with them to figure out what the heck I could have done that was sooooo wrong as to have them throw such a rage filled tantrum over the stories that I was writing. And you know what I found out? It was a very personal connection to the story and the characters themselves, as well as some difficult events in their OWN past experiences, that was causing a majority of the frustration. And then, it began to make sense to me. It wasn't about my writing at all. It went much deeper than that.

"I had a sick friend when I was a kid!"

"I was cheated on when I was in college, and he broke my fucking HEART! So I can't forgive the actions of these characters at ALL! EVER!"

"I was REJECTED when I first came out of the closet! My parents disowned me, and I lost my best friend! So your story is unrealistic and wrong!"

"I told my parents I was gay when I was 10 years old! Why is he waiting so long???"

"When I was in high school, I'd NEVER cheat on my boyfriend with the hottest boy model on the planet! No matter HOW much I was tempted!"

Well...I mean...when I write about love, or sex, or abuse, or teen angst...whatever...it's come from a place of honesty and, what I'm thinking, is a realistic take on the gay teen experience. Believe me, I'm not writing this stuff to trigger painful memories and repressed emotions in the minds and hearts of my readers. It's the world, how I see it. How I saw it growing up. And I think, as a writer, every last one of you should be doing the exact same thing. Tell your story. YOUR story! Readers need to calm down, sometimes. And understand that these tales...this new age 'mythology' that we work so hard to weave for their entertainment, isn't about what they want to SEE. It's about what the author has to SAY. Period.

Again...is this their story? Or your story?

Basically...characters that may begin with flaws and annoyances that readers don't agree with...they give the story somewhere to 'go'. That should be the point. There's not a single one of us that wasn't, in some way, born of fire. To deny that is ridiculous. It's like keeping the training wheels on your bike forever and never learning how to ride without them. Let your characters be flawed. It makes them interesting. Complex. Nuanced. I'm super honored that readers might be truly invested in the stuff that I write online. But, sometimes...it's like, JESUS! Chill out! He's a KID! An imaginary kid, at that. You've been a kid once, right? Give him a friggin' break and calm down. Is there a single one of us that can say we never did anything stupid in high school? How about college? How about in the last month? Be honest. Don't let the bad memory thing clear your conscience, people!

Many years ago...hehehe, it still feels weird to say that sometimes...I began a series called, "Magic Man". I had such high hopes for that series and had a real inspiring message to bring to the table in terms of doing something that I had never done before. I planned to really get into people's minds and get them to look at themselves as well as their daily, monotonous, routine. Wishing for a way out...but not willing to really make an effort to make that happen. And...that story was obliterated with negative comments from day one! LOL! But, the main character, Gavin, was written to be somewhat depressed...and thus, 'unlovable', I guess. And that one really hurt, because I felt like no one was giving it a chance to unfold and actually build itself up to create the broad story arc that I had in mind. And it was posted on the site, and on Nifty, and the whole WORLD pretty much watched me fail miserably at it. Or...at least that's how it felt at the time.

(No worries! "Magic Man" has gone through a major overhaul, and when the new chapters of Book One are finished, you'll be able to grab it as an ebook at the end of this Summer! It's still a story that I really wanted to tell, and I plan to do it my way. You can read the original at https://gayauthors.org/story/comicality/magicman if you want to see if it is as utterly 'awful' as they said it was.)

But as I was editing the story again through new eyes...I realized that I allowed myself to get bullied out of sharing my voice with other people who might have really gotten a lot out of what I had to say. And I shouldn't have. The story was exactly what I wanted it to be, even though it was just beginning the first act of the project. I doubted myself, and abandoned it for a long LONG time. I don't do that anymore. If anything, I lean in to stuff like that. And that brings us into "Billy Chase", Book 6! Hehehe!

For those who haven't read the series yet, I'm not giving away any spoilers. I'll keep it vague. But the events that I had planned for Book 6 were originally going to go in an entirely different direction than how it eventually turned out. And for those of you who were on the Library and the Shack at the time will know why. I gave Billy Chase flaws, had him make mistakes, have some regrets, and try to fix them...because, at the end of the day, he had a really good heart. He was just a bit naive, spontaneous, and sometimes a bit selfish. But, I mean...is there a teenager that isn't in some capacity? So, while working on Book 5...all I got was whining and bitching and complaints and this should go 'this' way and that should go 'that' way...everybody's an expert. Right? So...as hard as I working, as exhausted as I was...I'm getting hate mail? Ok...let me take all of their comments and give them exactly what they were asking for.

I rewrote all of my notes, rehashed the whole game plan, and I did exactly that. "Oh, this is what you want? More of this? Less of that? You wanted a monster with no conscience and no fear of being found out? Does the angst bother you? You want more sex? You want LESS sex? He's stupid? He's an idiot? Why can't he just come out already? Everybody's angry? Ok...let's do it your way, then. You have all the answers, right? You know how to write this story? Cool. Your comments have now guided this teenage boy in this particular direction! Enjoy!"

I wrote the story they kept saying they wanted me to tell. And I had the consequences pan out accordingly. Hehehe, sooooooo many people were OUTRAGED! Oh God, they HATED it! But, hey...writing stories isn't easy. You don't trust my plan? Let's go with yours, instead. I think the Comicality Library arguments were endless at the time. And eventually it was just like..."Can I go back to doing things my way again now?" And they were more than happy to agree. It really wasn't meant to be a punishment or anything, but sometimes...readers just need an author work their magic and see what happens. A creator's vision has to be seen through to the end in order to be appreciated fully. And if it's not your thing? That's cool. But leave the work to speak to those who are looking to hear what the writer has to say.

As always...if you want to see your personal story being told online...then write it. You've got a keyboard too. It might be a huge hit with fans and readers who feel the exact same way that you do. Go for it. Why not?

Don't ever be afraid to let your characters be flawed. Or mean. Or even downright despicable in the beginning of your story. You can make them the most loathsome character in the world if you want to. The way to keep people reading...is just a faint glimmer of hope. JUST a spark...nothing more. Until their journey begins, don't allow yourself to be intimidated out of making them an unlovable character. Those can sometimes end up being the best stories ever written. If you have a tale of true redemption or triumph that you want to tell...then tell it your way. Allow the characters to evolve and learn the lessons that they need to learn in order to trigger a change in them that will be long lasting and inspiring to your audience. Do it! Readers will stick with it, or they won't. I think that a writer's voice is extremely important when it comes to their main form of expression. So tell your story. And make no apologies for having a severely flawed main character as your protagonist. Give them obstacles to battle against, mistakes to learn from, trials to struggle through. And let the audience grow along with them as they find their way towards a better path. It makes for one hell of a great story...and they'll be cheering for the protagonist by the time it's all over and done with.

Most importantly...keep your eyes on the prize. Meaning...stay faithful to the story arc that you're trying to build. Some people aren't patient enough to see it, and some will attack you with snap judgements that they make from the very beginning. You can't let that push you away from your own project. Not everybody is going to love everything that you write...but you have to have faith in your own projects. Ignore the negativity, and press forward until the story is done. K?

I made the mistake of letting hurtful comments keep me from sharing expressions of my inner self over the years because I was scared that I'd be further humiliated and all of my hard work would go to waste. But I have a different perspective on that kind of thing now. I think I understand my role as a writer and the role of my readers much better now. And none of this works without us connecting in some way...even when it's a strained relationship at times. Hehehe!

Anyway, I hope this helps you guys out! Flawed characters can be difficult to sell to an audience, but they can end up being some of the most compelling and most relatable characters that you ever write. It's just a matter of sprinkling a few glimpses of hope and redemption in your story, here and there (even if your main character relapses from time to time) to make them the guy/girl that readers love to hate for a little while. Find a balance. 'Humanize' the flaws that we all possess in some form or another, even if it's exaggerated in the form of this fictional character...and then find ways to help them get over, go under, or force their way through, it in a way that can enlighten your audience.

It takes patience. I know. But...if you believe...then they'll believe.

Happy writing to you all! And I'll seezya soon!