Dom,

I think it's something all gay men go through time and again in their lives: In and Out of the Closet.

We often think that once we've come out of the closet, that's it. We're out and we'll always be that way. Unfortunately it's not the case. Most of the time when new people come into our lives we face a choice of telling them we're gay, letting them find out in some, or not revealing our sexuality at all. Most of the time, it's in the workplace that these issues come up (for a variety of good reason...like a non-gay friendly workplace).

Here in California, since I've been with Robert, I rarely have had a choice. Most people I meet in the day-to-day working of the political realm already know I'm gay. Some know from when I was active out here in the mid-1990's. Most know my name as "Robert's new partner". I have very, very little choice in the matter. I've even had my boss introduce me to people as "Robert's partner".

However, when we had a very handsome new guy start work, well he didn't know. Actually, months later, I still don't know if he knows (although if he ever paid attention to the picture on my desk...well he shoud know since Robert and I are in it...plus at staff meetings a few people have said "Dan's partner Robert" - which is a nice change). The thing is, when he and I were talking after he first started, I made a conscious decision to not tell him...mostly because I wasn't sure of his reactions (he's former army infantry).

What you've gone through...well it's just a normal part of being gay.

"And I

"...I made a conscious decision to not tell him...mostly because I wasn't sure of his reactions (he's former army infantry)."

Dan,

Don't let the Army background cause you too much grief. That doesn't make him absolutely homophobic. After all, he's not in the Army now. There have always been gays in the Army...it wasn't always an all-volunteer organization and draftees had little choice but to serve. Before "don't ask, don't tell", there was always " don

I was reading the Human Rights Campaign coming out pamphlet (available at hrc.org) and it talked about "coming out" as a process we as gay people face throughout our lives. As in your case Dom, you met someone new who didnt' know you were gay and, even though you have been out for a while, it was still difficult to tell her. I've been out to my family and close friends for seven years. However, being gay is not a part of my life I share with people at my work. I think I go through the check list in my head almost daily of "who knows" and "who doesn't" LOL! I can see myself telling some people at work eventually. At the same time, I still feel the fear and anxiety about how they will react almost as strongly as I did before I told anyone in my life I was gay. I think your experience is very common in that it's difficult to come out to someone new to us no matter how long we've been out of the closet. Make sense?