I've made a few philosophical decisions about how I'm going to live my life from now on, based on certain experiences, and grand disappointments that I've had.

First I'd like to say I won't be giving up on love itself, as I'd been pondering doing just yesterday. That's still just not the kind of life I want to live.

What I am doing though, as a matter of preserving my own personal dignity and self-respect, is throwing aside a certain path I was traveling too often. I will no longer be pursuing the wishy-washy. If I and someone want to be together they better be willing to commit to doing so and I will never again be the one making all the sacrifices, emotional or financial. If someone is serious I want to hear more than distant promises, and I want to know that they're serious which means they're willing to discuss making it happen not just leaving it to "um, well maybe." I will not waste my time, or my heart pursuing relationships with those who are not willing to put their hearts on the line too.

So what does all that mean?

Well, concerning my ex, it means that if he decides he wants to be with me, he's going to have to pursue me to get me... I won't spend the next year or more pining for him... I'm not going to put my heart in a time box while waiting for him to decide what he wants to do. We seem to be doing okay as friends, I don't think I'm going to push for any more than that with him... if, someday, he and I get together, it will have to be from him deciding thats what he wants and 'proposing' so to speak that we get together again. My heart may or may not be open to doing so if/when he decides to do that, but he knows there is at least the possibility. Its up to him whether he decides that its worth it.

There is another whom I've felt somewhat spurned by as of late, though I don't really hold it against him, once I push away the emotions that come with disappointment and think about things from his perspective. Similar as with my ex though, if when it is feasible, he wants to pursue a relationship with me... he's going to have to let me know with no uncertainty that that's what he wants to do. He's urged me to pursue relationships with others at least until that feasibility arises. I will(though my prospects are pretty slim ). I won't be doing it out of spite, thought there is some sadness and disappointment in it... Its just ... there's no point in locking my heart in a time box for someone not even sure if he would want to be in a relationship with me. I don't hold that against him, its a perfectly reasonable position for him to take... So is mine.

I got a small surprise last night... Alex contacted me and asked me if I'd put any thought to moving up to Tampa (he's the guy who lives about 50 miles away, too far for him to travel regularly). I told him it would depend a lot on my income between now and the summer, but that it may end up more viable for me to commute instead of move to Tampa if I end up well set living here. I've calculated it out... I need to have a full time job at 10 dollars an hour to afford to live on my own, whether thats in tampa or where I am now. I think I can pull in that much working as a server in a restaurant pretty easily, but finding a job can always be a pain... I'd have to find a job in tampa for at least 10/hr full time before I could move.