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This is okay?



I was congratulating myself this morning while I prepared breakfast. I have been feeling rather good lately. Slight depression now and then, very slight indeed. Plus, I'm not overly happy. Just kind of okie-dokie all the time.


Well, most of the time.


This is afternoon I slipped back a bit. I went out to move the van inside the fence and realized I could just drive away. I could go to the bank and take out a couple thousand and simply disappear like I wanted to do four years ago when I was very, very crazy. I'm not supposed to think thoughts like that.


So, I quickly inserted a thought that my medicine was inside the house and I couldn't get away without it. Well, I could because if you're going to do something really crazy, what's the point of taking your medicine especially if that medicine is doing all it can to prevent you from doing crazy shit.


Well, needless to say, that did the trick and I'm still among the boring.


I'm not proud that I convinced myself to stay, though. I'm still mad at myself for thinking I could get away with it. I'm not depressed enough to do this which means it isn't the depression which is making me want to run away. It's the other end of the pole that's doing this shit.


The good thing is I'm going to the shrink on Monday for a medication follow-up, so maybe we can talk about this, too. It could be that having running away thoughts again might be indicative of something more serious. Maybe this mood stabilizer is freeing up a few previously distracted neurons and they're devising a plan for me to take unauthorized leave of my faculties.



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