So I went out last night to a house party with my friend Paul. One important fact that I have learned over the years; my favorite alcoholic drink is, by far, the jello shot. Can you think of a more perfect drink? It's not even a drink, it's a snack. That means you can have a drink at the same time. You can't taste the alcohol, only the jello-ey goodness. It's just so convenient, so fun.

I will admit that usually I don't exactly have a lot of fun at parties. I'm always either totally bored or just feeling like I know absolutely no one. Evidently this really doesn't matter when I'm drunk enough to come up to people and just randomly start conversations, and they're drunk enough to randomly talk to me. That, and this was the most gay-friendly group of straight people I've ever seen in my entire life. It was damn near creepy.

I had a really good time, lol. Met a lot of random people, played around, got tipsy, laughed..... it was a great thing for me.

I'm impressed with myself, to tell you the truth. Usually when something's bothering me, it's just impossible for me to be social or have a good time. What with all the recent annoyance, I thought I'd just end up being the drunk guy sitting outside smoking by himself, lol.

I think I've finally... dare I say... let go of everything. Like that voice in my head that's been going "It's okay" over and over for the past month has finally gotten through, and now it just doesn't hurt as bad as it did. It's still a little tender, of course, but it's not that shotgun blast feeling, and really it's not much more than a tingley kind of rememberance. You all know how I need validation and other people to help me figure out what my course should be; it's taken quite a handful of friends telling me the same thing to realize that it's actually true. He just wasn't good enough for me. That still feels a little funny to say because I'm always so moderate in dealing with people, trying to hold on to the fact that maybe I would've done the same thing if I were them. I've realized that doesn't always work, though, and sometimes people's motivations or ideas, or even their points of view just aren't quite wholesome.

There's nothing wrong with me, and I'm perfect the way I am. I feel sorry for him more than anything else now, because he has missed out on what would have been the best thing in his entire life if he'd paid a little more attention. Yes, I am that good, so blow me.

I won't be fighting so much anymore. Still working on it, but I'm beginning to accept the fact that when it comes to other people, I can't change them and I'm not going to waste my time on people who don't want me around. f**K 'em.

~shrug~ From this side of all the events, it's almost funny. It's like he was sent as some sort of freakish lesson so that I could learn to accept things that I can't change. It's not exactly the nicest lesson in the world, but some things aren't the sorta thing you can be taught in any way except through experience. Though if I do turn out to be incorrect and God in the Christian sense does exist, me, Him, and a baseball bat are gonna have a long talk. "Let's send Jamie someone he'll fall in love with but will never feel anything at all for him so he goes INSANE!".... ya bastard.

I seriously think, at least at this point, that everything seemed so much worse than it was. I knew it at the time, but it's so difficult to make yourself believe that. Looking back, I realize that I'm better off now, and that a lot of things happened to help me out just by chance. For instance, getting into that Y2I program next year so that I had a great reason to not have him as a roomie anymore, ever again. Learning some of the things I know now really helped, too. Not being around little mister I'm-always-right makes me realize that he's probably one of the only people I've ever met who make me look humble.

Anywho, point of this entry was just to rant and let everybody know I'm feeling so much better. I had a great time last night, and I'll be going out again soon. Having friends who're friends just to be friends... I forgot what it felt like.