But first: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQF0ZuL8vus

A hilarious commercial.

Anyway.

If you know me, one thing you can count on, is that Ill tell you the truth. People know Ill tell them what I think. And I try to be as honest as possible. Now, one of the things that comes with that is telling the things that have happened to me, not so much for the few who read this thing, but more for my own sanity. So here we go:

But first, some background:

My parents kicked me out of their house when I was 15. They basically packed up all my shit, put it in some garbage bags and put it on the front stoop. At the time I was become more and more aware of my mood fluctuations. I was partying til 4am, coming home and sleeping for 2 hours and then going to school. (Id like to say in my defense that I was maintaining a 4.0 at the time) They called the cops on me several times to bring me back home, but I never listened.

A few days before they found me in bed with some guy, all I really remember of him was that he was older, 19/20 maybe. I knew they would find us so it was kind of my way of coming out to them, though they had already known, this just made it official. When I say they already knew, I mean to say it was something not discussed, why there were no girls in my life, they just chose to ignore it. So when they caught me, they didnt really say anything, but a few days later I was out on the street.

A few weeks of couch surfing and trying not to overstay my welcome at random friends houses led me to the house of an acquaintance. He told his parents my story and they let me stay there. It was at this time where I figured out I was bipolar and, well, thats basically it. So now, here we go:

Attempt 1

A few weeks after staying with Stephan I came to really understand the severity of my situation. There was no, forgiveness on either side and one day I realized that this was what my life would be like now. Completely on my own, without any family, or really anyone to help me out. I actually remember the exact moment. It was near winter break. I was sitting in class which was nearly over, and the teacher was talking about how we had to get a parental signature for some movie we were going to be watching. I normally would have signed it straight away but for some reason I just kept staring at the paper. The thoughts of never seeing my parents again hit me and I had to leave the class before I started crying. I ran to the bathroom, looked in the mirror and told myself to stop crying. Which I did. I cleaned myself up and went back to class and on the way there the bell rung signaling that the day was over. I got back to class, gathered my stuff and left as quickly as possible.

I ran to Stephans house dropped all my stuff, grabbed a knife, and left. For several hours I wandered around the city, half crying, being all pathetic. Eventually I ended up in a park. It was near 10pm, and I was exhausted. I dont remember much, but I know that I cut both wrists and passed out.

I woke up in the hospital. I had found out that I was found, luckily minutes later, by a cop patrolling the park. He came to close the park at 10, found me, called an ambulance. I dont know much, like what exactly Stephan and his parents did to get me out of there, but I was in no mood to ask. End.

Attempt 2

I was 17. Things were going pretty well. I was doing well in school, I had a steady boyfriend, and everything was going well. As embarrassing as this is to admit, this attempt does relate to the boy. We were doing okay, but I was beginning to feel lost. And numb. The relationship went downhill. We had been together for a year and a half and we were living together. But it was like something out of a Pinter play. We werent really talking to each other anymore. It was all just games. Looking back, I didnt really understand it at the time, but I now realize it was all a power play. The back and forth, the anger and resentment. Eventually we got into a huge fight. Throwing things and screaming had happened before. But we never actually hit each other. But this time things were different. Something had snapped for both of us. I wont go into the details, but I will say that we both ended up bruised and bloody and exhausted laying on the living room floor.

After the fight, I cant really explain why. Maybe it was just to f**k with him. Maybe it was just me not wanting to deal with anything anymore. But i went into the bathroom, locked the door and swallowed whatever I could find. He broke down the door and made me throw up. Then he took me to the hospital and left. I got checked out and stayed with some friends. The next day when he was at school I gathered all my things from his place and left. End.

Ok. Well I was going to talk about something that happened a few days ago: a club, a shooting, and a drag race, but I think this is enough for today.

Currently listening to:

Living Room - Tegan and Sara

Runaway - Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Here In My Room - Incubus

Shout Me Out - TV On The Radio

She's a Lady - Santogold

Dissolved Girl - Massive Attack

Alone In Kyoto - AIR

Under The Bridge - Red Hot Chili Peppers